blessed4x

How is it that for the past 3 days my AH has been sober, helpful with the kids, loving toward me (even woke me to give a good-bye kiss this a.m.), and I still have hope that things have changed? I feel like a shell of a person. I can so easily forget that he has locked me out of the house in below freezing temps, threatened to knock every F-ing thing off the dinner table (in front of the kids) and have me pick it up, tried to hit on a friend of mine, embarrassed his kids numerous times while drunk at their sporting events, made every holiday something I dread instead of look forward to, etc, etc, etc. Why do I (again) want to think that things are different this time? Why do I continue to let him drag me along on this rollercoaster ride? I know......it's because I continue to choose to do so. I feel like I'm gaining the head knowledge to make a change, but my heart keeps pulling me back to the same old place.

Barbara52

Short answer as it why? Because you are codependent. Work on that and you will know yourself better, be able to act instead of react, and be in a better place to accept life as it is.

Startingover2

I always had hope...and I believed after every episode and then the sober 'vow' that this was it!!! Finally he crossed to the other side. It lasted a week, sometimes a month or two and the signs were showing back up.

As far as forgetting the past hurts, that is tough. I think there is nothing more that an A wants is for everyone to forgive and forget the things that were done while drinking. My AH used to say 'the past is the past'. I still cringe when I hear those words.

kemarus

Blessed, I have lived your life. Believe me, I can relate to all you are saying. AH always drank and got better, drank & got better. Each time I would think that was it!!! Over the last couple years there really was no getting better periods and the drinking escalated to 20-30 beers 6 days a week. We hated for him to be home and we hated for him not to be home because we feared what would happen. We lived in constant fear and anxiety. If he was out, we were afraid he would hurt someone because he was drinking & driving. If he was home, we walked on eggshells and prayed for him to go to bed. That is no way to live. Let me tell you. The first steps that helped me & the kids were to start to distance ourselves. Stop reacting to his bad days but also his good days. We tried to stop being angry, upset and disappointed every time he came home drunk and instead we would just do things with each other and ignore him as best we could. It got easier as time went on and he "got it" that we didn't want his drunkeness in our life. We also tried to stop being excited when he didn't drink or made his false promises to stop drinking. If we didn't get our hopes up, we couldn't be disappointed or angry or whatever. The days got a bit easier. He is sober for almost 60 days now but we don't have any expectations and it's not what we use to decide how our days go. Our happiness does not hinge on whether he drinks or not. It's how we interact with each other and how we feel each day. Start with you. What do you want? What do you need? Not from or for him but for you. I am new to this but I can tell you that even the smallest steps in starting to take care of you make a big difference.