Lost & confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
Lost & confused
I am kind of new here. I've been reading for a while and it's helped me so much. Right now I am really struggling. Not sure how to get myself out of it. Here is my story.
I have been married to my AH for 19 years. Most of that time has been spent dealing with his drinking. I don't think I ever realized how much it was affecting me until I started to detach and face that he had a problem. I lost me in the process. His drinking over the last year or so really started to escalate. It went from a few days a week to 6 days a week. Never drank to pass out but drank heavily. I'm talking 20-30 beers a day. That is when I started to pull away and not "help" him anymore. The kids (18 & 15) and I started doing our own thing. We stopped fighting with him, stopped trying to get him to stop drinking and distanced ourselves more & more. April of this year, he spent a day heavily drinking and then came home and took 2 sleeping pills on top of it. We had to call 911 and rushed him to the hospital. I went and then ended up leaving him there. I was so over this whole thing. He came home and was sober for 2 months. Gradually started drinking again (I can control it syndrome) and it escalated again. This time he started drinking vodka so I couldn't smell it. It amazes me that they don't realize we can tell other than the smell! Within a few days of the drinking escalating, he was arrested for DUI, hit & run, driving with a suspended license(work vehicle!!!_ and who knows what else. Since then he has attended AA nightly, sometimes 2x a day. He has changed in a way I never thought I would see. This time seems so different from the times before but time will tell.
I have been attending Al-anon and it is helping me.
Here is my struggle and why I am feeling so lost and confused. His preliminary hearing is next week. Up until now his boss has had regular work for him but the last few weeks hardly anything. I know this is his problem. He drank, he created it, he has to face it. I know that and want that because I think it's what is keeping him sober (60 days approaching). On the other hand, I am scared about what will happen to me & the kids. He could go to jail, his fines & penalties are going to be steep. I don't know how to seperate us from that. It will affect us and not just him. If he's not working, how does he pay his fines? If he's in jail, who pays the bills. Yes, I work full time and have a decent job but it doesn't in any way pay enough for all of this. Especially the fines and court costs. I'm confused over how to detach myself from that. How do I not worry about that? I guess I just need help understanding.
I have been married to my AH for 19 years. Most of that time has been spent dealing with his drinking. I don't think I ever realized how much it was affecting me until I started to detach and face that he had a problem. I lost me in the process. His drinking over the last year or so really started to escalate. It went from a few days a week to 6 days a week. Never drank to pass out but drank heavily. I'm talking 20-30 beers a day. That is when I started to pull away and not "help" him anymore. The kids (18 & 15) and I started doing our own thing. We stopped fighting with him, stopped trying to get him to stop drinking and distanced ourselves more & more. April of this year, he spent a day heavily drinking and then came home and took 2 sleeping pills on top of it. We had to call 911 and rushed him to the hospital. I went and then ended up leaving him there. I was so over this whole thing. He came home and was sober for 2 months. Gradually started drinking again (I can control it syndrome) and it escalated again. This time he started drinking vodka so I couldn't smell it. It amazes me that they don't realize we can tell other than the smell! Within a few days of the drinking escalating, he was arrested for DUI, hit & run, driving with a suspended license(work vehicle!!!_ and who knows what else. Since then he has attended AA nightly, sometimes 2x a day. He has changed in a way I never thought I would see. This time seems so different from the times before but time will tell.
I have been attending Al-anon and it is helping me.
Here is my struggle and why I am feeling so lost and confused. His preliminary hearing is next week. Up until now his boss has had regular work for him but the last few weeks hardly anything. I know this is his problem. He drank, he created it, he has to face it. I know that and want that because I think it's what is keeping him sober (60 days approaching). On the other hand, I am scared about what will happen to me & the kids. He could go to jail, his fines & penalties are going to be steep. I don't know how to seperate us from that. It will affect us and not just him. If he's not working, how does he pay his fines? If he's in jail, who pays the bills. Yes, I work full time and have a decent job but it doesn't in any way pay enough for all of this. Especially the fines and court costs. I'm confused over how to detach myself from that. How do I not worry about that? I guess I just need help understanding.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I am dealing with the same thing. My AH just got his 2nd dui a couple of months ago and is facing his final court date. I have no idea what happens if/when they go to jail. I have kicked AH out for the drinking along with some other behavior that was unacceptable.
This place is great. Keep posting.
This place is great. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this right now. You didn't cause any of it, yet you suffer the pain.
I would check with a lawyer and make sure his payment (or non-payment) of the fines, court costs etc., don’t effect you. I wouldn’t think you could be responsible for his fines and stuff. I would find out for sure, then put it in the “not my problem” category. His actions, his consequences. His problem to worry about. Not yours.
From there, where do you go? Take the court stuff out of the equation, and go from there. Without the court stuff, what are your options/abilities?
Take care, and let his problem be his problem. That is your choice.
((((((hugs)))))))
juju
I would check with a lawyer and make sure his payment (or non-payment) of the fines, court costs etc., don’t effect you. I wouldn’t think you could be responsible for his fines and stuff. I would find out for sure, then put it in the “not my problem” category. His actions, his consequences. His problem to worry about. Not yours.
From there, where do you go? Take the court stuff out of the equation, and go from there. Without the court stuff, what are your options/abilities?
Take care, and let his problem be his problem. That is your choice.
((((((hugs)))))))
juju
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
Yes, it's hard. Al-anon has taught me so much in the short time I have been going. Reading the posts here has also helped me a lot in so many other areas. I have been doing great with taking care of myself for the first time in years. This one thing, I don't know how to deal with. I can't say it's his problem, not mine. Because it is partly my problem. This is where I am so confused and I feel I have lost my focus.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Not much to offer but support. I got a sick feeling in my gut reading your post, my AH also has escalated to 20-30 cans of beer a day over the past year. He too will on occasion switch to vodka thinking I won't notice. You are living my biggest hope and worst fear......that he will lose his job over loss of his license. Sometimes I hope it will happen because it seems so inevitable and it would finally be over. Then I go back to worrying about it. This disease really stinks.........
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
How is it your problem? Beside the obvious that you might have to support the household on your own now? It’s just something that you have to accept, unfortunately. It sounds like it was going in that direction, anyway, if he hasn’t had much work in a while. What were you going to do if that kept up? Of course, this is all presuming that you cannot be held financially or otherwise responsible for his incurred court costs, penalties, fines, etc.
We are sometimes faced with very difficult decisions. I know selling this house would be the first (well, second, really, after finding a full time job) on my list. There’s no way I’d be able to keep it. It’s sad, but my peace means more to me than 4 walls. I actually listed all my different scenarios on paper, and sadly crossed out the impossible ones. But, seeing them in black and white really helped my focus on what needed to be done.
I wish you strength to get through this. Like my favorite inspirational line: “When God closes one door, he opens another, buts sometimes there’s hell in the hallway”
juju
We are sometimes faced with very difficult decisions. I know selling this house would be the first (well, second, really, after finding a full time job) on my list. There’s no way I’d be able to keep it. It’s sad, but my peace means more to me than 4 walls. I actually listed all my different scenarios on paper, and sadly crossed out the impossible ones. But, seeing them in black and white really helped my focus on what needed to be done.
I wish you strength to get through this. Like my favorite inspirational line: “When God closes one door, he opens another, buts sometimes there’s hell in the hallway”
juju
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
This disease really stinks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
I guess I'm hearing what I needed to hear. Things are going to be difficult and I just have to give it to my HP and pray that we will come out of it ok. One good thing is that this seems to be his bottom. He went to AA for the first time and admitted for the first time that he was an alcoholic. He is doing it for him and not for me or because of his legal issues. He's already been told by his lawyer that AA isn't going to help him a whole lot with what he is facing. He said that he knows that and that's not the reason he's going to AA. He's going because he wants and needs help. If this sobriety is for real (I don't fool myself for one minute thinking that it's over) and he sticks with it, I guess what we are facing will be worth it in the end and that is what I need to focus on. I see wonderful changes in him, in our relationship, in the relationship with our kids and for that I am thankful. Even more important, my time in Al-anon has given me a peace that I haven't had in years. I am starting to find myself again. I'm reading Codependent No More and that is huge in helping me along. So...am I right that I should just take this for what it is right here and now and let what happens happen?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
Kemarus,
That sounds like a plan!!
Take care of your responsibilities, and let the rest go.
I heard an interesting analogy last week at my meeting. Didn't really get it till recently. They talk about a God can. A can (or box) to put all your notes about things that are out of your control that you turn over to your HP. Took me a minute, but then I though, God can. Duh.
Be strong, you've got a tough road ahead it sounds like.
juju
That sounds like a plan!!
Take care of your responsibilities, and let the rest go.
I heard an interesting analogy last week at my meeting. Didn't really get it till recently. They talk about a God can. A can (or box) to put all your notes about things that are out of your control that you turn over to your HP. Took me a minute, but then I though, God can. Duh.
Be strong, you've got a tough road ahead it sounds like.
juju
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sometimes I need a God TRASH can, Kemarus. Lots of things to put in there...I need a BIG vessel.... 
I personally believe in "trusting in god but keeping your powder dry" as the old adage goes.
Are there expenses you can start cutting now, in preparation for what may happen? A good eye opener for me was stopping by the library and picking up a copy of Your Money Or Your Life, a great guide to money and its true role in your life. I "found" a lot of money by examining everything I was spending, and finding alternate ways to get the same things (eating out less or not at all, library-ing books and videos instead of renting, doing food shopping differently, temporarily suspending savings, getting rid of interest payments, and a hundred other things) and I was able to reduce my living expenses AND still have a great life.
What will happen, will happen. But you can take steps to prepare.
I personally believe in "trusting in god but keeping your powder dry" as the old adage goes.
Are there expenses you can start cutting now, in preparation for what may happen? A good eye opener for me was stopping by the library and picking up a copy of Your Money Or Your Life, a great guide to money and its true role in your life. I "found" a lot of money by examining everything I was spending, and finding alternate ways to get the same things (eating out less or not at all, library-ing books and videos instead of renting, doing food shopping differently, temporarily suspending savings, getting rid of interest payments, and a hundred other things) and I was able to reduce my living expenses AND still have a great life.
What will happen, will happen. But you can take steps to prepare.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
I have been cutting costs and taking steps to prepare. I'm pretty surprised at what I have done in that regard so far. I think I am just letting some panic creep in because of the preliminary hearing next week and the fact that my son just moved in to college. After my AH had his arrest, I thought I was going to have to tell my son he had to forfeit his dream of college. Then I got my back up and said I wasn't going to let his future be ripped away because of his AF's problems! I started cutting out things and reorganizing finances and whatever else I could do and so far, we are managing. I guess I just have to keep fighting the fight and remember that when I have my "moments" there are people who I can go to to talk it out. This has been a big help for me today. It's another step in my journey I guess. I am always the one helping everyone else and never ask for help myself. Growing pains!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Kemarus,
Have you considered putting the fees/fines/court costs etc. on credit, in a new card or loan in your husband's name only, and making it clear that he and he alone is responsible for paying the recurring bill? (won't stand up in court in most states, so it's mostly a symbolic gesture to make clear that it's HIS debt, and not yours & your kids')
Just something that occurred to me. Many alcoholics lose track of the money they have cost their family as it's absorbed into the daily bills etc. I personally think it's good to keep that number more obvious.
Good luck with everything. You sound like one determined mom
M
Have you considered putting the fees/fines/court costs etc. on credit, in a new card or loan in your husband's name only, and making it clear that he and he alone is responsible for paying the recurring bill? (won't stand up in court in most states, so it's mostly a symbolic gesture to make clear that it's HIS debt, and not yours & your kids')
Just something that occurred to me. Many alcoholics lose track of the money they have cost their family as it's absorbed into the daily bills etc. I personally think it's good to keep that number more obvious.
Good luck with everything. You sound like one determined mom
M
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
You might want to consult with an attoryney and find how (or if) you can protect yourself financially and otherwise from the fallout of your husband's actions. You might start with separate bank accounts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Kemarus
Asking for, and more importantlty accepting help was a big sign for me that I was really changing and growing.
I struggled mightily with finances (still do actually I'm just not as freaked out by it) when my exH and split up. I HAD to start accepting any help I could get, with babysitting, jobs, etc. One year I had to put our name on the Christmas list of a Community Service Org. that brings trees, presents, and food to needy families. Although it was a low point for me in many ways it was also a turning point in my understanding that if I ask and truly accept what is offered I will survive. And I like to think that by gracefully accepting help I am putting out into the world a good energy because both myself and the giver feel spiritually elevated by the gesture.... and I am filled with gratitude and love for humanity!
Don't be afraid to keep it REAL and ask for help!!
Good luck-
B.
Asking for, and more importantlty accepting help was a big sign for me that I was really changing and growing.
I struggled mightily with finances (still do actually I'm just not as freaked out by it) when my exH and split up. I HAD to start accepting any help I could get, with babysitting, jobs, etc. One year I had to put our name on the Christmas list of a Community Service Org. that brings trees, presents, and food to needy families. Although it was a low point for me in many ways it was also a turning point in my understanding that if I ask and truly accept what is offered I will survive. And I like to think that by gracefully accepting help I am putting out into the world a good energy because both myself and the giver feel spiritually elevated by the gesture.... and I am filled with gratitude and love for humanity!
Don't be afraid to keep it REAL and ask for help!!
Good luck-
B.
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