rudeawakening

I am in need of advice with two problems.

I hate this being my first post and to lay this all out like this, but I really don't know what direction to turn. I'm not some 20 yr old kid in a manner of speaking.

I broke up with my lady friend this past weekend of 3 months. As embarrassed as I am to admit this, I fell for her rather quickly as we clicked on almost every level, very similar life styles... I thought this lady had her act together, however the truth is she is very ill mannered and mean spirited. She has a lot of anger and abandon issues.

When we first met I didn't know she was a 2 yr recovering binge drinker. After a while she claimed she was good (in control) and could handle any environment that served liquor. We discussed what was needed and expected and I didn't hold her past against her... it was past, right ?

Since we started dating, she has fallen off the wagon three different times. Each time she used an excuse about something I supposedly did but was actually relationship fears based from her past as an excuse to get drunk and confrontational.

Each time she apologized and promised it wouldn't happen again and would come up with a logical reasoning. This last time this happened in front of a lot of my friends and acquaintances. Needles to say that most scattered as we all are basically low keyed and she was way over the top. I was embarrassed and felt disrespected. Of course her response the next day was "she made a mistake and I should give her another chance". Of course since Saturday she has written me and has given me more logical arguments why she acted the way she did and how much she loves me, ect..ect...

To be honest, I don't trust my judgement at this point and it scares the hell out of me... I see a unhealthy pattern developing and I'm not sure if its her or me.

I see the pattern and I know in my heart that I'm in way over my head with her. Of course she claims to love me with all her heart, but what does love have to do with anything ? I cannot compete with her dead husband and I will not continue to take the wrath because of her last failed marriage.

15 yrs ago I waisted 2 1/2 yrs with an alcoholic woman and one of my good friends is a functional alcoholic, although I have given after he made it clear he knows he is and doesn't care.

Until tonight, I never labeled my father an alcoholic, but as I think about it, he drank a six pack or two every night.

Now here is where I get my rude awakening, thus my screen name.......

In searching the net on alcoholics and their patterns I came across a post made last yr here and this lady discussed how she found info about adult children and the dysfunction associated.

I read in literal horror what I endure when I was a growing up with various issues I have faced most of my life. You see I come from a dysfunctional family. I couldn't even begin to explain what I endured and how it had effected me.

I spent most of my life angry with a chip on my shoulder. Its a wonder I didn't end up a felon in jail. It wasn't until I was well in my 30's before I began to discover who I was and that I was ok. It was a long and lonely process, but I learned to be honest with myself or I thought I have been. I have dealt with a lot of issues and thought I was in a good place in my life, but after what I read today as well as taking the adult child test, I found I was 70 %. It said that I had been severely affected and should seek help... No kidding, I already knew this, however I found that I had learn to mask many more issues, thus lying to myself... there I go being hard on myself, again..lol

Hello, I am Rude awakening and I am an adult child. I am 48 and never married and I've had enough of choosing the wrong type of woman, making the wrong decisions based on something I had no control over 30+ yrs ago.

Please don't get me wrong... in the past 15 yrs I have gone from nothing to owning a business, my business practices has been written in several major magazines in my field... designed and built my house almost completely alone with very little help. I have over come many obstacles that has held me back, but the past 48 hrs has opened my eyes to so much more that needs addressing.

I recognise that the relationship with the ex girl friend had become a very unhealthy with her. Now if that isn't enough I recognizing that all I did was work around many of my issues that I had thought I dealt with.
I feel guilty that I have walked away from her and now I feel bad for failing to recognize what has been going on with me...

I promise this is no joke... I just need a little direction

Thank you in advance.

wish he'd quit

Welcome! You've come to the right place! The people here are wonderful. I also have just broken up with an alcoholic. I still question myself and my judgement on a daily basis. I can tell you this though... Alcoholics are master manipulators and will do/say what ever to get what they want. As much as she may tell you that she will change or wants another chance she is not going to change over night. It is a vicious cycle. The reality is that they can't change for anyone else but themselves otherwise they will probably "fall off the wagon."

Maybe you can tell her that while you won't say that you will never get back together with her, she needs to be sober for awhile before you will consider it. Using her past relationships to verbally and emotionally abuse you is wrong. There is no justification for any kind of abuse.

scorpiogirl

Congratulations! You have done one of the most important things! You're seeking answers. You are evaluating a situation for yourself instead of blaming. You are looking within and getting answers. Great awareness you're having.

I know this isn't fun yet, most people that live with alcoholism growing up will alot of times, choose an alcoholic (or some other type of dysfunction) to hook up with in their lives. I applaud you for seeing things as they are; rather than trying to turn them into what you want them to be as we can't change another person.

There are ACOA meetings (Adult Children of Alcoholics) - also CoDA meetings (for CoDependency) or Alanon (for friends or family of alcoholics). (Personally, I would choose Alanon or CoDA as from my own experience, ACOA meetings, get into whining and blaming instead of healing)

You are on your way to recovery and healing.

I too remember when I woke up and thought, "oh my GAWD, how did I pick another one" or, "there, I'm doing it again". I had to go back in my life without blame and see how my past molded me and started doing some healing work (12-step meetings and therapy). It is my responsibility to make me a better me without blame of the past.

I wish you all good things and most of all, peace & serenity.

Scorpiogirl

Barbara52

Welcome! Your rude awakening can be the beginning of changing the bad lessons you learned growing up. Its what I am doing. I too grew up in an alcoholic family and have made bad choices in relationships, at least in part becasue of what I learned growing up. Unlearning those behaviors, that thinking can be done.

I found the book Codependent No More to be very helpful in opening my eyes to my behaviors and how to begin ending the madness.

boomerlady

there is also another Al-Anon approved book called 'from survival to recovery' and it is a good book. I bought it for my adult children of AH. Hang in there and going to a support group will help you realize you are not alone.:codiepolice

Rella927

Welcome to SR Rude awakening! Glad that you found us and now are starting to find yourself! Coming here is an awesome step!

I come from a long line of dysfunction in my family not to mention being adopted and my husband was killed also...I blamed everyone else for my miserable life-Today I have found SR and Al-Anon which have given me direction to know that I was making poor choices for myself and to change the only thing that I can ME!

What you are going through with feeling guilty is normal however the behavior is unacceptable to you and that is your choice-so please be gentle with yourself. IMHO you are doing what you need for yourself and that is the most important thing YOU!

Check out some of the stickies at the top of the page-there is a wealth of information there and in the other forums as well. There are lists of books like the one Barb suggested that are terrific with "opening our eyes".

Keep posting you are not alone!

Pajarito

Hello, I am Rude awakening and I am an adult child. I am 48 and never married and I've had enough of choosing the wrong type of woman, making the wrong decisions based on something I had no control over 30+ yrs ago.

Hi Rude Awakening- to me the above statement speaks volumes. You seem to be "waking up." Here I am at the ripe old age of 45 doing the same. I did not grow up with alcoholism, however I grew up in a very dysfunctional/abusive family. I now see that the choice I made in marrying my STBXAH is a choice that-unfortunately- makes perfect sense. He left me a year ago, and I have begun to put my life back together. I'm taking a hard look at why I made the choices I did- why did I stay with an alcoholic for so long, why did I believe his lies, why did I live with a man I could not trust??? For a very long time I did not trust my gut, but it kept pushing me, and I finally am trying to listen. With self-awareness life can only get better. It is taking time, and some days are very hard, but I feel like this journey is better than living the narrow life I was living with STBXAH. I hope you will keep posting. . . maybe try al-anon, counseling, reading? There are a lot of wonderful people here to bounce ideas off of. Take care!

respektingme

Alcoholism is never in the past.

Self-discovery is a very important part of the process towards recovery and very difficult as I am finding out also. Many people never look in the mirror, so be glad that you've cared enough to try to figure out who you really are.

As for trying to figure her out, it's a waste of energy to ever try to figure out why alcoholics drink. Her behavior isn't all the mind-boggling, in fact it's very common. She has "slipped" 3 times in the 3 months you've been dating, yet she claims to have been sober for 2 years? Highly unlikely. You can not trust how much an alcoholic says they have had to drink. They are either sober or they are not. And sober means much more than just not drinking for long periods of time. It has to do with the mindset also, which clearly she has not addressed if she's still raging, trying to control and flipping her lid on a regular basis.

You sound like you're always halfway through the battle in that you're focusing on how you can change your thought process rather than trying to change hers (talk about an exercise in futility).

SereneRose

Yup, found my life again at 45. I started dating the sweetest guy that is a recovering alcoholic. I was in a long alcoholic marriage; now divorced and an alcoholic relationship (now ended). I was killing every relationship I had friends, coworkers, you name it. When I met my current all those "isms" went full force in my life. I realized that I had a problem with self-esteem, self-worth and just plain out wondered why no one wanted to be around me. I was a sad sack that needed a boost. I went to al-anon and my life is changing for the better. My relationships have improved all around and I feel sooooo goood. It is very hard work and you have to work it every second.

Co-Dependent no more is a great book; she also wrote one on working the 12 steps of co-dependancy and that one was a life saver. I am now 4 months into Al-Anon and happy.

It may not be for everyone, but it is one of those things that you don't know until you try it.

Blessing to you and may you find peace and serenity.

rudeawakening

I want to thank each and everyone of you that took the time to respond.

There are so many things I've begun to see and recognize from the past that I just never thought was out of the ordinary. Where I thought I had fixed myself years ago.. I see that I have only controlled my environment instead.

My father used to drink beer on a regular bases, but I never thought him as an alcoholic. I just thought he was a verbal abuser and I finally came to terms with that when I realized that it wasn't me but he hated being around my mother. My folks always argued and it usually was always about money or control (my mother was controlling and held very high expectation with herself and those around her), I was always punished and my parents almost never defended me when I was accused of something... I was always guilty and dealt with.

My father did remarry when I was 15 to a Alcoholic woman that I despise to this day. Again I didn't know she was an alcoholic until 15 yrs ago. I just thought she was a very cruel, hateful manipulative witch that threw me out of her home and my father was too much of a coward to stand up for me...

I did learn last yr from a cousin I reacquainted with after 30 yrs, that my grandfather, a man I have always worshiped, was a hard man and a alcoholic. I never knew this, then again I only seen my fathers parents a dozen times in my life and never seen them after the age 15.

My god, I am so embarrassed, how could I have been so naive, so blind even at my age...

Needless to say I was the rebellious child that walked around with a chip my shoulder well into my 30's. I think what I have done was kept myself in a work and living environment that has removed me from the chaos.

Since doing this some 15 yrs ago, I have thrived at many levels. But now I am questioning if all I did was learn to control my environment and not really dealing with my issues.

I guess figuring this out is what is going to be the hardest for me, because part of rediscovering myself yrs ago was learning what I expected out of myself and what I was willing to tolerate in my life and what I wanted in life. All I ever wanted is to be happy, to have a well adjusted loving family.

I don't think some book is going to help me with me. I have written more letters to myself in the past two days to the ex than I ever have written combined in my life. The pieces of the puzzles have finally fell together while writing this post, I see the pattern, I feel ashamed, embarreseed. I'm sorry...

I wish I really could say what I want here, but I can't, not without sounding like a complete lunatic, I assure you I'm not. :crazy

sunflowerintx

Welcome, rudeawakening!

I hope you've found some support here. I encourage you to attend an Alanon meeting for ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). It will not feel at all comfortable at first, and you may need to try more than one to find your home meeting.

I know that I grew up in a dysfunctional family but alcohol was not one of the issues. I never saw either of my parents have more than two drinks, and even that was rare. When my daughter was younger, she knew her father was a drunk and my dad grabbed a beer one day. He noticed that her mood changed and he immediately poured it out. I know my dad is not a drunk but I give him HUGE kudos for caring about my daughter's feelings.

I have found that I have little (ha! ZERO) tolerance for drunks. I can be anyone's friend as long as they are sober, or even after a drink or two. When someone is sloppy drunk, I just want to bail out. That's what I need for my own sanity.

I noticed one thing you said that really rang true with me. You said that no one ever defended you. That's been the case for most of my life as well. I still struggle with feeling very alone sometimes, even in a room full of people.

((((((((( rudeawakening )))))))))) I hope you don't mind hugs!

Sunny

GiveLove

Hi rude awakening,

You could have been writing my life story. We have similar backgrounds (broken home life, abusive parents and step-parents), chip on my shoulder when I was younger, I too started my own company in the past decade, have had multiple relationships with substance abusers, etc.

You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about (you mention this in your note.) Why would someone else's choices be a source of shame for you? You didn't do it. True, perhaps the lingering effects of their influence on you is hurtful in your choices of romantic partners, but I will tell you this much:

You have heard the expression "the genie is out of the bottle" ? Your self-knowledge --- that your behavior is being subtly influenced by your exposure to alcohol and abuse when you were younger --- is something that NOW becomes a weapon in your arsenal of self-protection. Once you have faced the fact of your unfortunate upbringing, and have TRULY committed to righting that wrong for yourself, it is very hard to go back to blindly, blissfully choosing horrible partners.

You have the choice. And in the future, it will cause you much less pain if you heed respekting me's words that "alcoholism is never in the past." You need only make a rational decision about whether you want to risk dating someone who may -- at any time -- relapse. That is a fact of life for alcoholics, and they will all tell you that.

You don't have to "hold it against them." You're just choosing, for yourself, the right way, the way that gives you the greatest chance to find happiness.

Being with a sloppy drunk who embarrasses you is not maximizing your chances for happiness, and the stable family you desire. You've made the right choice by UN-choosing that person. Sad, and likely painful as hell right now, but necessary.

I hope that Mike will chime in here, as he is my role model for someone who came straight out of hell, and has become a wise, loving, strong, contented man (albeit still on his own journey). He will tell you flat out that if he can do it, anyone can do it.

I am so glad you found us here. There's nothing wrong with you; you are just an artwork in progress. Knowledge is power, and you have acquired a greater power over your own choices by learning what you've recently learned. You're not damaged goods. You're just on a learning journey that has taken a little turn in the road

Hugs, strength, and courage to learn and grow from this!
GL

scorpiogirl

Quote:

Originally Posted by rudeawakening

My god, I am so embarrassed, how could I have been so naive, so blind even at my age... I don't think some book is going to help me with me. I see the pattern, I feel ashamed, embarreseed. I'm sorry

You have nothing to be sorry for or embarrassed about. My goodness. There's a quote in a book that goes like this, "we don't see til we see and we don't hear til we hear" (for all you Chuck Chamberman people out there, it is in his book "A New Pair of Glasses") I didn't realize my mom was alcoholic until some years into my recovery. Soooo, so what? It is what it is.

Since you see the pattern, what are you going to do now? Reading books was very helpful to me, along with meetings and therapy. I needed to heal that past stuff so I could make better choices today. Was alot of hard work yet, well worth it! YOU are worth it too!

Scorpiogirl

rudeawakening

Thank you SG

I feel compelled to write her a letter explaining all the reasons why I can no longer be with her.
I want her to know exactly why we can never be, Closer

I feel like I at least owe her this or is this part of my problem as well ?

Or should I just stay away ?

Silverberry1331

Hi Awakening!

Welcome! I know that this awakening appears to be rude, but actually, you have made a HUGE step here. Just think what you will learn tomorrow! The possibilities are endless as you will journey through your recovery.

I am here because I am codependent from years of watching my parents. I am married to an alcoholic, and we are in the process of separating. He is 15years older than me....no money, no job, and nowhere to go. Each day SR helps me to keep my boundaries, detach with love, and practice healthier responses.

In regards to the letter, I.M.H.O., I do not think it will do you any good. As you may or may not know yet, but you will discover as you journey through recovery...we, the codependents, feel terrible when we first try to do something that puts ourselves first, so we feel we need to validate what we are doing...get some approval...give reasons why we are putting ourselves first. Your letter will only be twisted and turned around, and you will find yourself writing letters to explain the letter (if you know what I mean). Alcoholics are classic manipulators because they want to continue what they are doing and not take responsibility for it. My suggestion is get into Al Anon...come back to SR...read/post/ and learn from our veterans here...and do some work on you. There is a whole life waiting for you out there to live! You can be free! You are young and deserve to enjoy all that life has to offer! Welcome!

theotherone

Very well written Silverberry!

I agree wholeheartedly!

GiveLove

awakening (i refuse to call you rude )

If a letter would help you to gain closure with her, and would make you feel like you're doing this honorably, then it can be helpful.

In many cases, though, letters are written with the subterranean motive of influencing the alcoholic's behavior, in the hopes of waking them up, getting them to "shape up" and become more like what we want them to be.

Only you can know if this is your motive or not. If you have travelled these rooms very much, you have learned that this kind of manipulation on our part doesn't work, and often backfires, reinforcing unhealthy behaviors in US.

Even if your motives are pure, letters such as the one you describe often unleash a torrent of manipulation from an alcoholic, as they try to circumvent your reasons with promises, excuses, and blame. You would need to prepare yourself for this.

Best to you
GL

Silverberry1331

Well stated!

rudeawakening

Sadly, You are right, even though I never seen myself as remotely being codependent.

Yes I have experienced this in the past and the ex G/F has tried, but I wouldn't buy it.

I suppose I don't owe her anything and owe myself everything.

I just wish I can get past this guilt I'm feeling.
(Yes she threw this in my face, your leaving me at my time of need.)

Barbara52

Your feelings of guilt will go away as you come to understand where that guilt comes from. It not from anything you have done or not done, not from anything you've said or not said. It is not earned guilt. When I used feel that nebulous free floating guilt it was from all the crap behaviors and attitudes I learned growing up in an abusive alcoholic family. With understand I have learned to recognize unearned guilt when it creeps in and let it go becasue it is not mine to own.

Incidentally I resisted putting th ecodependent label on myself for quite a while. Somehow that struck me as yet another form of either making excuses for myself and my choices/behaviors or as a problem I just didn't have. But I do. Well, I did. I'm better now.

I started doing my reading with books on ACOA and was amazed at how accurately it described me.