the guilt is making me sick
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
the guilt is making me sick
I have been separated from my AH for a little over 2 months, since he walked out on my daughter and I. It was awful at first. I've posted all along. I worked hard on my recovery, here, at meetings and read the codependent no more book. Then it finally started to get better.
I did all the paperwork for my divorce and paid the darn lawyers. I worked my own recovery and found myself again. My AH was drinking all day everyday at the bar, living the life he seemed to want. I started to not care, not miss that. Life got easier, actually, when I was afraid it would be harder.
Now I am enjoying my own life. Started having fun. Some friends set me up with a guy friend of theirs last week and he thinks I am beautiful. Imagine, being told you are beautiful. Someone carefully taking each step to get to know you and make you happy. What a change! It's darn fun to be pursued.
And BAM! I'm back in the nightmare. Why? Oh, because my AH sees me with a new guy and decides he wants me back. He'll do anything. He is telling everyone, calling me non-stop, got his family involved. He stopped drinking 3 days ago, and has called to enroll in outpatient.
But I don't want to go back. Now I am the bad guy. It's only been two months, people say. You know how long those two months were for me? It feels like a lifetime! I am actually SICK over the guilt I am being made to feel now, and ANGRY that I should have to feel it at all. Like I am supposed to just be perfect AGAIN, and take him back AGAIN, and go through the rehab AGAIN, and put my daughter through it at her now age of 10, and give up the control and happiness I have just discovered. Because he is ready. Because it wasn't his fault, it was the drinking. Oh please. Lets all just keep revolving around him some more. I am so mad, I can't describe it here.
Thanks for listening. I guess I sounds like a real witch.
I did all the paperwork for my divorce and paid the darn lawyers. I worked my own recovery and found myself again. My AH was drinking all day everyday at the bar, living the life he seemed to want. I started to not care, not miss that. Life got easier, actually, when I was afraid it would be harder.
Now I am enjoying my own life. Started having fun. Some friends set me up with a guy friend of theirs last week and he thinks I am beautiful. Imagine, being told you are beautiful. Someone carefully taking each step to get to know you and make you happy. What a change! It's darn fun to be pursued.
And BAM! I'm back in the nightmare. Why? Oh, because my AH sees me with a new guy and decides he wants me back. He'll do anything. He is telling everyone, calling me non-stop, got his family involved. He stopped drinking 3 days ago, and has called to enroll in outpatient.
But I don't want to go back. Now I am the bad guy. It's only been two months, people say. You know how long those two months were for me? It feels like a lifetime! I am actually SICK over the guilt I am being made to feel now, and ANGRY that I should have to feel it at all. Like I am supposed to just be perfect AGAIN, and take him back AGAIN, and go through the rehab AGAIN, and put my daughter through it at her now age of 10, and give up the control and happiness I have just discovered. Because he is ready. Because it wasn't his fault, it was the drinking. Oh please. Lets all just keep revolving around him some more. I am so mad, I can't describe it here.
Thanks for listening. I guess I sounds like a real witch.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jessie
You don't have to feel guilty for finding happiness while he still struggles. Your life is your own and whatever you want to do is your choice.
The only thing I would suggest, and please take this with the love in my heart that goes with it, is to take is slow and easy on the new relationship. Often when codependents finally break free of a painful and sad relationship, it is too easy to fall for the first "nice guy' that comes along. We are drawn like a magnet to anyone who is nice to us and often fail to see warning signs that this too could be a bad choice.
Just take your time and get to know the real person and remember to be true to yourself first.
You don't have to feel guilty for finding happiness while he still struggles. Your life is your own and whatever you want to do is your choice.
The only thing I would suggest, and please take this with the love in my heart that goes with it, is to take is slow and easy on the new relationship. Often when codependents finally break free of a painful and sad relationship, it is too easy to fall for the first "nice guy' that comes along. We are drawn like a magnet to anyone who is nice to us and often fail to see warning signs that this too could be a bad choice.
Just take your time and get to know the real person and remember to be true to yourself first.
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Don't fall for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesse & Me:
Remember, remember, remember!
They gotta want sobriety for themselves. Period. That is THE ONLY reason that will keep him sober. Wanting you back WILL NOT KEEP HIM PERMANENTLY SOBER.
If he wants to be sober, ain't nothing gonna stand in his way.
If he doesn't want to be sober, ain't nothing going to make him STAY sober. He may TEMPORARILY clean up his act just to play with your mind, but it is NOT THE REAL THING!
Just cause he's got these other people under his thumb, doesn't mean you have to join them. You are NOT a witch! You are a veteran of the war.
Stay strong and stay healthy!
Whew! sorry to be so adamant about that.... just that you've been so much help to me... hate to see you back in the quicksand....
Remember, remember, remember!
They gotta want sobriety for themselves. Period. That is THE ONLY reason that will keep him sober. Wanting you back WILL NOT KEEP HIM PERMANENTLY SOBER.
If he wants to be sober, ain't nothing gonna stand in his way.
If he doesn't want to be sober, ain't nothing going to make him STAY sober. He may TEMPORARILY clean up his act just to play with your mind, but it is NOT THE REAL THING!
Just cause he's got these other people under his thumb, doesn't mean you have to join them. You are NOT a witch! You are a veteran of the war.
Stay strong and stay healthy!
Whew! sorry to be so adamant about that.... just that you've been so much help to me... hate to see you back in the quicksand....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
thanks
Thanks EyesOpen. I like the 'veteran of the war' phrase. That is just how it feels. I am so full of crazy emotion right now I don't want to make any serious moves. I just know I don't want to even entertain the notion of my AH coming back. I want my divorce to go forward. I just want to keep being just me, and my daughter, and my friends. I don't want the insanity back. I also agree 100% that he won't stay sober if he's just doing this to win me back. I just can't forgive so many things he's done now that I've faced them all during my recovery. Denial had me not really willing to look at it all, until these past two months.
Ann
Of course, you are so right about the new guy and going to fast. Scary actually, how right you always are. I actually know it is happening, too. I've been thinking about it for days. It never fails that I will cling to someone that makes me feel better, usually the next handsome guy to pursue me. I think I've been living that way since I was about 17. From one steady guy to another, all of whom get so attached so fast.
But somehow, this time, I am at least conflicted. That's progress! I find myself wanting to put some barriers up, seeing what is happening. I must stay strong with it too, as part of my recovery. Thank you so much for reminding me, for putting it right there in words in front of me. And I can be honest and say it is going to be REALLY HARD for me. I already know I have to talk with this guy, tell him I don't want to get too involved/attached.
I'll let you know how I do. Tonight he called wanting to come to where I'll be, and I said no I want to be with my girl friends. That was strong for me. I was so flattered he wanted to come be wherever I was. I was proud I said no. But I ended up giving in to seeing him after. I will plan to have the talk then.
Wish me luck.
Ann
Of course, you are so right about the new guy and going to fast. Scary actually, how right you always are. I actually know it is happening, too. I've been thinking about it for days. It never fails that I will cling to someone that makes me feel better, usually the next handsome guy to pursue me. I think I've been living that way since I was about 17. From one steady guy to another, all of whom get so attached so fast.
But somehow, this time, I am at least conflicted. That's progress! I find myself wanting to put some barriers up, seeing what is happening. I must stay strong with it too, as part of my recovery. Thank you so much for reminding me, for putting it right there in words in front of me. And I can be honest and say it is going to be REALLY HARD for me. I already know I have to talk with this guy, tell him I don't want to get too involved/attached.
I'll let you know how I do. Tonight he called wanting to come to where I'll be, and I said no I want to be with my girl friends. That was strong for me. I was so flattered he wanted to come be wherever I was. I was proud I said no. But I ended up giving in to seeing him after. I will plan to have the talk then.
Wish me luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
((((((((jessieandme))))))))))))
The best advice I've received on this forum is "to give yourself the gift of time...." Focus on you. You don't need to make any decisions about your life until you are ready.
AH and I separated nearly six months ago. He is working on his recovery and I am working on mine. He is sober and I'm seeing changes in his demeanor and behaviors. Even his interactions with the kids~~~he is so much more patient. And I remain reluctant, hesitant open myself up to him and bring him back into my life.
As Ann states, it would probably be a good idea to go slow and think carefully about decisions you make. She's also right....you do deserve to be happy. An excellent book to read is "Safe People" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's a quick read, it's short, but it provides wonderful insight to characteristics of safe and unsafe people. As co-dependents, we sometimes tend to be drawn to needy people or those with issues or problems.
You are a strong woman~~~take very good care of yourself, and take the time YOU need. The answers will follow.
S
The best advice I've received on this forum is "to give yourself the gift of time...." Focus on you. You don't need to make any decisions about your life until you are ready.
AH and I separated nearly six months ago. He is working on his recovery and I am working on mine. He is sober and I'm seeing changes in his demeanor and behaviors. Even his interactions with the kids~~~he is so much more patient. And I remain reluctant, hesitant open myself up to him and bring him back into my life.
As Ann states, it would probably be a good idea to go slow and think carefully about decisions you make. She's also right....you do deserve to be happy. An excellent book to read is "Safe People" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's a quick read, it's short, but it provides wonderful insight to characteristics of safe and unsafe people. As co-dependents, we sometimes tend to be drawn to needy people or those with issues or problems.
You are a strong woman~~~take very good care of yourself, and take the time YOU need. The answers will follow.
S
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: walking down a happier trail
Posts: 50
just one more thing
There is nothing wrong with having healthy FRIENDSHIPS with men... we dont have to fall into a serious or permanent relationship with each one that comes along... and time is a good healer of all things... As life continues to move on so shall you... growing and ever changing....
((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))
Stay strong,
Kathie
((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))
Stay strong,
Kathie
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