Chrysalis123

Major vent alert.....How I wished I paid attention to the red flags of my XAH addiction issues 20 years ago because not only am I paying a price but so are my precious children. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with leaving them unattended at night so he can be with his friends or just ditching them while doing all kinds of fun things for himself like golfing, sporting events, parties while doing little with his kids. Scorecard: Fun for him 30...fun for kids 3.

Somehow in his sick mind he justifies it while I get the fun of dealing with hurting,abandoned, rage-filled kids and then he plays the mind games with them such as "I was only golfing with my boss" or "I'm not spending any money going to that pro-ball game cause I'm riding with friends." Right now the kids sincerely buy his line of bull.

I come from a home were both parents were A's, mom died of a stroke when I was a young teen and she was a recently recovered card-carrying member of AA at the time of her death. I've blocked out most memories of her and don't remember the sober mom. Dad, after her death, spiraled into a self-absorbed wonderland of ladies, pot, and drinking.

I raised myself and denied things were as bad as they were. I was so isolated I could have been an island and learned quickly to avoid the topic of "girl with a dead mom" as no one that age wants to even think about that possibility.

I know those issues are triggering my problems of today. My lovely XAH has lots of fun pushing those old abandonment buttons and now that I am out of the way and not rescuing his relationship with the kids it is very apparent to me just how sick of an A he really is. He however goes on quacking and blaming me acting like barely seeing his kids is in the kids' best interest, and somehow when the youngest has trouble with him it is all my fault because I talk to them about how dad is an A and he is sick. I tell them his behavior has nothing to do witht them etc...

And I hurt to the core of my being and have such trouble accepting that this is my kids' reality. I want to fight it tooth and nail. His abandonment of them equals rage in me and I need to figure out how to stop that unhealthy (for me and the kids) process.

The kids' counselor wants them to see him separately because of problems with rage filled tantrums with the youngest and hours long crying sessions after the visits with me. This strategy was helping her feel special with dad but he "forgets" to arrange the visits and then acts like he never heard of it before. Tells me the counselor is nuts and what if he got a counselor and that one disagreed......... quack, quack, quack. I tell him to hire his own counselor or take me to court ( and I want to say you %$#%$@#$!!!! )

I hurt for my children because I know what this is like. I tell you it was easier for me to have a dead mom than be abandoned by my very alive dad.

Right now I'm teetering over the cliff of falling into my obseesion again and so it helps to get it out how mad I am at me and at HIM. I am really MAD AT HIM --- HOW DARE HE DO THIS TO OUR KIDS.

I kind of feel better but I think I need a good cry. Thanks for listening.

scorpiogirl

Nobody does anything 'to' us without our permission (conscious or unconscious). We're not victims; only volunteers. Are you in recovery? If so, what is your part? (staying maybe??) We can't go on blaming others for the way our lives are. If your situation is unacceptable to you, only you can make another choice to do what you want for your life & your kids life. Getting him to change will only bring you more frutility as that is a dead-end road. We are responsible for our own happiness, health, serenity, peace - all that stuff. If you're allowing him so much space in your head, there are things for you to address and work on. Pointing the finger at him won't alleviate your feelings. Working on self is the only way out of a dilemma.

I wish you clarity and saneness of mind. I hope you have someone to talk to (therapist, sponsor) that can help you back on the higher road.

hugs,
ScorpioGirl

Shivaya

Chrysallis, I can relate to your post in that I am in a similar situation. If I was not convinced before that Alcoholism is a disease, I certainly am after reading your post.

My AH pulls the same behaviors as yours. It is maddening....We are headed for divorce, he's the one that has asked for one...interesting how I covered his stupid butt for 15+ years, and now that I've put my foot down and set boundaries (i.e., no drinking in the house), I am a bad wife and he wants a divorce.

I can't wait to get to the other side......and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure my children do not suffer....

I am thinking of you and wishing you great strength to deal with what lies ahead...

Shivaya

hadenoughnow

I would try to focus on the most pressing issues at hand.

1. Leaving the children unattended-this is neglect (your children are quite young if I remember correctly)and should be report to CPS or the court and his unsupervised visitation removed.

2. Blowing off visitation to hang out and party-at least he is leaving them with you and not picking them up and dumping them off with a stranger or leaving them alone. You should make notes when he does not show up.


You cannot make him be a better parent as much as you would like to, I learned that a long time ago. Telling him what the counselor says is not going to make one bit of difference, his ism comes first. IMO you are giving him way too much space in your head and your and you children's lives.



My ex has our son less than two full days a week. It would be nice if he would sober up and have joint custody but as long as he is not in recovery the less time our son spends with his dad the better.

Rainbowsend

I can understand that it makes you angry but do the kids really need to see him, does he enrich their lives? My exH (not an A) has no time for my youngest. The litle fella has the choice to see him if he wants but sometimes chooses not to. It's been quite empowering for him to know he can make the decision

Chrysalis123

Thank you all for your replies. I feel more centered this morning after reading them and getting a good nights sleep. This is so darn hard.

"I've covered his stupid butt for 15 years and now that I've set boundaries I am a bad wife.."

This made me laugh because I can so relate. Do these A's all have the same handbook or something because the similarities are astounding.

"Do the kids really need to see him? Does he enrich their lives?"

That is the million dollar question. The counselor says that in a child's mind any attention, even negative, is better than none. I can see in the kids huge excitement when he calls and wants to see them and the tears when he doesn't. So, I think yes, the kids need to see him. Does he enrich their lives? Sometimes, but it is very inconsistent.

I would appreciate any opinions or advice from parents that have walked this road ahead of me. How did you do it? How did you navigate between the needs of the kids, versus the A's poor choices and keep your serenity and peace intact?