My 20yr old son.
4th star on the Right.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England.
Posts: 73
My 20yr old son.
Hi, I'm a recovering alcoholic, and am beginning to see "the signs" in my son. I'm not completely sure yet, but am getting concerned. The thing is, how do you detach from a child? How do you not blame yourself? I can't completely wash my hands, I do have some responsiblity in as much as he had to expereince things when younger when I was drinking. I know we are supposed to be responsible for our own choices, but what if his childhood prevents him from making "right" choices? I am prepared to take decisions that need to be taken if things eventually do deterioate, and I won't be walked over, I won't enable, but I just can't separate what he may become from what I have done. Its difficult separating my role as mother.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I don't have experience dealing with a child who is an alcoholic but others in here do. I'm sure you will hear from them.
I can say that as someone who grew up with 2 alcoholic parents, doing so does not doom one to become an alcoholic. I am not. I have been codependent because of what I learned as a child but I have never come close to becoming an alcoholic. I drink occassionally. Cna take it or leave it. So this is not your fault. As we all know, we aren't that powerful.
I can say that as someone who grew up with 2 alcoholic parents, doing so does not doom one to become an alcoholic. I am not. I have been codependent because of what I learned as a child but I have never come close to becoming an alcoholic. I drink occassionally. Cna take it or leave it. So this is not your fault. As we all know, we aren't that powerful.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
As a recovering alkie myself, and mother to two alcoholic daughters, I can empathize with you.
My oldest daughter was 8 when I got sober. I had my second daughter two years into recovery, and I chose to drink again when she was two years old. It's only by God's grace that I was out there for two months, and made it back into recovery and have stayed there since.
If you are an active member of AA, I recommend you dig harder into your program than you ever have in your life. Also find support through Alanon.
My oldest daughter is 30 now, lost custody of both of her kids, hasn't worked a job in over 10 years, and has had numerous incarcerations.
My youngest daughter is 20, still living at home, and binge drinking, NOT around me as I have boundaries.
My youngest has been exposed to the program all of her life. I tried to learn from my mistakes with my oldest, and still, she has chosen to go that path too. You can be the best parent in the world, and still end up with an alcoholic child.
Make sure you have cleared the wreckage of the past, including guilt over your parenting while actively drinking.
I had tons of guilt, and I allowed that guilt to rule me when I was going through hell and back with the oldest, and I almost relapsed over that.
We did the best that we could at the time. We made mistakes. We weren't there for our kids when we were drinking.
We have to forgive ourselves, or the end result is active alcoholism again.
Work your program like your life depends on it, because it does.
God had a plan for you, and he does for your son.
:ghug3
My oldest daughter was 8 when I got sober. I had my second daughter two years into recovery, and I chose to drink again when she was two years old. It's only by God's grace that I was out there for two months, and made it back into recovery and have stayed there since.
If you are an active member of AA, I recommend you dig harder into your program than you ever have in your life. Also find support through Alanon.
My oldest daughter is 30 now, lost custody of both of her kids, hasn't worked a job in over 10 years, and has had numerous incarcerations.
My youngest daughter is 20, still living at home, and binge drinking, NOT around me as I have boundaries.
My youngest has been exposed to the program all of her life. I tried to learn from my mistakes with my oldest, and still, she has chosen to go that path too. You can be the best parent in the world, and still end up with an alcoholic child.
Make sure you have cleared the wreckage of the past, including guilt over your parenting while actively drinking.
I had tons of guilt, and I allowed that guilt to rule me when I was going through hell and back with the oldest, and I almost relapsed over that.
We did the best that we could at the time. We made mistakes. We weren't there for our kids when we were drinking.
We have to forgive ourselves, or the end result is active alcoholism again.
Work your program like your life depends on it, because it does.
God had a plan for you, and he does for your son.
:ghug3
4th star on the Right.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England.
Posts: 73
Hi thank yoiu both for replying. Babara, Yeah I've heard that so many times that "we not that powerful" but my heart isn't completely convinced of that statement, well not where children are concerned. My intellect tells me that is true, but still.
Freedom, Yes it is guilt that plays a big part of dealing with this. I know that I will reach a point one day though where I guess I will say, EVEN if I am responsible for your drinking because of what I done, then that must also mean I am responsible for for you knowing how to put the drink down because I have done that also? So my son, where does that leave you?
Freedom, Yes it is guilt that plays a big part of dealing with this. I know that I will reach a point one day though where I guess I will say, EVEN if I am responsible for your drinking because of what I done, then that must also mean I am responsible for for you knowing how to put the drink down because I have done that also? So my son, where does that leave you?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Talking to him about recovery and being an example is mostly what you can do.
If you go to AA invite him along.
My 24 yr. old son is an alcoholic. I stopped blaming myself because that had me
living in the past.
I learned to work my own program through Alanon. When his diseased progressed to a point where it could be fatal with depression and suicide, I stepped in and persisted until he agreed to treatment where he has been for 6 mos.
For now I can only suggest from experience that you try to keep a relationship with your son that doesn't judge him and one that lets him know that your are there to share your exper. strength and hope when he needs it.
If you go to AA invite him along.
My 24 yr. old son is an alcoholic. I stopped blaming myself because that had me
living in the past.
I learned to work my own program through Alanon. When his diseased progressed to a point where it could be fatal with depression and suicide, I stepped in and persisted until he agreed to treatment where he has been for 6 mos.
For now I can only suggest from experience that you try to keep a relationship with your son that doesn't judge him and one that lets him know that your are there to share your exper. strength and hope when he needs it.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Trying, I am the mother of a 25 yr old AD, and I would just like to add to the wonderful wisdom above, that as I have spent the last two years , learning to detach and work my codie recovery...I have found a way to step out of the nightmare and to a place of serenity, strength and clarity...
I am a single parent and as I look back , over this time, guilt was at the root of all my pain...
I spent a long time mourning the loss of who she was...and then I took stock of me..Al-Anon played a critical role ...
I was tortured for years because I believed that it was my fault that my daughter chose alcohol as a means of dealing with her pain..I no longer believe that , and no longer see her as a victim, but someone who has choices....and is responsible for those choices..
Freedom makes a very good point...I , too, grew up in an alcoholic household but I can take alcohol or leave it...I became a codie instead
the detaching goes against all our instincts....it is the single most difficult thing I have had to do as a parent...but I know it is the only way I can truly help my child...
You sound like you have some good tools and I agree with you; while you have struggled with addiction , you have shown your son in a powerful way, a path out of that place....something wonderful that he can draw on if he chooses....
I am a single parent and as I look back , over this time, guilt was at the root of all my pain...
I spent a long time mourning the loss of who she was...and then I took stock of me..Al-Anon played a critical role ...
I was tortured for years because I believed that it was my fault that my daughter chose alcohol as a means of dealing with her pain..I no longer believe that , and no longer see her as a victim, but someone who has choices....and is responsible for those choices..
Freedom makes a very good point...I , too, grew up in an alcoholic household but I can take alcohol or leave it...I became a codie instead
the detaching goes against all our instincts....it is the single most difficult thing I have had to do as a parent...but I know it is the only way I can truly help my child...
You sound like you have some good tools and I agree with you; while you have struggled with addiction , you have shown your son in a powerful way, a path out of that place....something wonderful that he can draw on if he chooses....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
wouldn't it be nice if our society had a "bar mitzvah" type of ceremony for families where we as parents would know that our children are now responsible for their choices (no matter the upbringing) and that also our children would know they are responsible for their choices (no matter the upbringing)?
We as parents struggle too much with blame - we all have failed to be "100%" in our relationships with our kids - and conversely our parents have failed to be "100%" in their relationship to us - but at some point the individual has to ante up, step up to the plate, man up, woman up, belly up to the bar, find their own salvation with fear and trembling.
If i can't have a victim mentality then my children can't either.
Having said all that, blaming yourself as a parent is just a phase of your coming to grips with your son's possible substance abuse problems. It will pass, you will forgive yourself, and you will move into the attitude that your son cannot use your failings as an excuse for his choices. Beware of the paralysis of analysis.
We as parents struggle too much with blame - we all have failed to be "100%" in our relationships with our kids - and conversely our parents have failed to be "100%" in their relationship to us - but at some point the individual has to ante up, step up to the plate, man up, woman up, belly up to the bar, find their own salvation with fear and trembling.
If i can't have a victim mentality then my children can't either.
Having said all that, blaming yourself as a parent is just a phase of your coming to grips with your son's possible substance abuse problems. It will pass, you will forgive yourself, and you will move into the attitude that your son cannot use your failings as an excuse for his choices. Beware of the paralysis of analysis.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
My son is just about to turn 3, and sometimes I think I see the signs...
He's very smart and regimented. He doesn't seem to adapt well to change. I can find many ways (if I look hard enough) in which he is exactly like me.
BUT, he's not getting blackout drunk or hiding booze around the house (a little tongue in cheek there). He is only 3 for Pete's sake.
My point is, if I look hard enough, I can see the "signs" in anyone. I sometimes need to check myself to make sure it's not my own paranoia.
Until I see not signs, but clear evidence, I try not to worry myself. I try to have faith in my HP that it will give me exactly what I need when I need it. And if that means I need an alcoholic son, so be it.
He's very smart and regimented. He doesn't seem to adapt well to change. I can find many ways (if I look hard enough) in which he is exactly like me.
BUT, he's not getting blackout drunk or hiding booze around the house (a little tongue in cheek there). He is only 3 for Pete's sake.
My point is, if I look hard enough, I can see the "signs" in anyone. I sometimes need to check myself to make sure it's not my own paranoia.
Until I see not signs, but clear evidence, I try not to worry myself. I try to have faith in my HP that it will give me exactly what I need when I need it. And if that means I need an alcoholic son, so be it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Prince Frederick, MD
Posts: 72
I have a 22 year old AS- divorced from his alcoholic father. He's in rehab now after getting his 2nd DWI in 3 months. He's looking at jail time and definite loss of his license. I feel this is much harder than dealing with a spouse.
I am discovering that my emotions are completely ruled by how well/poorly my children are doing in their endeavors. I don't think this is healthy.
Have you had a frank discussion with your child about your concerns? Personally I believe this disease is 100% genetic. This is helpful because we skip over all the discussions over whose "fault" it is and there is no disecting of alcohol related behavior. Unfortunately my son suffers from this disorder.
At least it's out in the open how and he is discovering, in his words "I can't go out in the world without AA".
I think I should give Al-Anon another try. Maybe you should too.
I am discovering that my emotions are completely ruled by how well/poorly my children are doing in their endeavors. I don't think this is healthy.
Have you had a frank discussion with your child about your concerns? Personally I believe this disease is 100% genetic. This is helpful because we skip over all the discussions over whose "fault" it is and there is no disecting of alcohol related behavior. Unfortunately my son suffers from this disorder.
At least it's out in the open how and he is discovering, in his words "I can't go out in the world without AA".
I think I should give Al-Anon another try. Maybe you should too.
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