So much for detachment!

Old 08-23-2008, 06:39 AM
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So much for detachment!

I couldn't do it.
I left AH yesterday.
I'm seeking legal separation with an eye towards divorce.

He stayed outside in the driveway all night again (3rd time in as many weeks), and my acceptance of the situation turned (with very little warning) into an absolute refusal to live this kind of life anymore.

It's like I just hit a wall.
There was no going back.

He is taking advantage of me. His life is exactly the way that he wants it - he gets to love, honor, and cherish his family 5 days a week, drink 1 day a week, and ignore everyone to get over his hangover 1 day a week.

I told him that, despite all my counseling, all my reading, all my prayers and meditations, the regular drinking was something that I just couldn't handle.

He told me that I needed to get over it.
I am overreacting.
He's just fine - getting better all the time.

His solution? Let's just go back to the way things were.

Apparently that was working really well for him.


I'm sad and scared and firm in my resolve. We will live apart and co-parent.
I cannot sanely live with an active alcoholic, even if he's only active once a week. The good times are good, and there are lots of them, but the bad times are causing me to lose my self-respect. And they keep happening.

AH is mired in denial.

For someone having so much (self-titled) "success" overcoming his alcoholism, he sure got angry when it became clear that the only way we could have a future together would be for him to commit to and demonstrate abstinence from alcohol while we are living apart.

I'm not demanding. I won't be at all surprised if he opts to continue drinking while working on his own brand of "recovery".

I just know what I can and cannot do, and I'm done meditating so that I can deal with the stress of another person's choices.

Send some good thoughts my way!
-TC
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Old 08-23-2008, 06:45 AM
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{hugs} It's a difficult choice to make but for me it was also the right one. I could not live with an active A. xAH is free to destroy his own life but he wasn't going to drive me mad and ruin my life as he proceeds down his self destructive path.

It can get better. It can get more peace filled. You can do this and come outwith a much better life.
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Old 08-23-2008, 06:59 AM
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Wow. I admire your courage and resolve--so much! Your words really hit home for me--especially when you said that you were done meditating to deal with the stress of another person's choices (it's what I do) I got goosebumps! Please keep posting about your progress. Thank you.
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Old 08-23-2008, 08:08 AM
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I couldn't do it either. I was on the verge of being put on meds for depression and anxiety from dealing with the drinking, not drinking, denial, meltdowns, lies, mental abuse, verbal abuse and threatened physical abuse I experienced while living with an active A. I got tired of trying to "detach" from a insane person.
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Old 08-23-2008, 08:11 AM
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Its hard to do. Been there as well. As crappy as thing are here there definately is more of a peace around without the episodes.
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Old 08-23-2008, 12:45 PM
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(((((Toughchoices)))))
A "tough choice" but so very good for you!
Sending good thoughts and prayers your way for strength and peace of mind!
:praying
Peace,
B.
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Old 08-23-2008, 01:16 PM
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(((((Tough Choices))))) Your name here says it all.

We ea. determine when enough is enough.
This can be a very good place because it is the beginning of change.

Remember this is a difficult time for the kids too. Communicate with them honestly and openly so they have a sense that things will be okay.

Best wishes as you put the pieces of your life together into a different happy home environment for you and your children.
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Old 08-23-2008, 01:17 PM
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Thanks for the hugs - I need 'em!

I'm all over the map emotionally today. I know that this is what I want, but occasionally I feel overwhelmed with the enormity of the decision.

I've loved this man for a long time.
Life is going to look very different for me now.

I talked to AH briefly last night, telling him some of my thoughts on our split (I'll stay in the house with the kiddo (make the transition less difficult on the little one), AH can find an apartment, we'll divide up parenting duties, etc...).
He's having none of it.

Says if I want to leave him then I'll have to be the one to move out. He'll stay in the house with the kiddo - he wants 50/50 custody. 3 days one week, 4 days the next.

I don't think he really understands the kind of responsibility that a true 50/50 split would entail - plus - he's never even really liked our house. It would REALLY surprise me if this is what he actually wants.

Part of me is hoping this is all just a bunch of bluster to freak me out. Maybe he's trying to make it difficult so that I'll change my mind and come back. Anyone have any experience here?

He told me to think long and hard about this decision, because the last time I decided on a lark that he needed to move out it ended up costing us $3000.
Funny how he made no mention of his liter of vodka/day - rehab stint that provoked that $3000 whim of mine. I guess you've got to laugh.

Maybe owning his part in this whole mess is just too painful for him.
I know that I play a part in this, as well, but I absolutely refuse to roll around in all the guilt that he wants to hand me. I know what I have to do.


We'll see what tomorrow brings.

-TC
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Old 08-23-2008, 01:33 PM
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Hey TC-
You may want to speak to a lawyer. And tell H that you did so. It sounds like he's blustering, "quacking" trying to intimidate you and get things back to "normal" so he can just keep on drinking. Stay strong. How old is your child?
B.
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Old 08-23-2008, 01:36 PM
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Mine wouldn't leave either, so I did, with the kids.

Even though it was hard, I am happy to be out of that house and in a new place. FWIW.

And I wouldn't listen to the quack. My XAH threw a big fit about custody, etc., but then moved out of town before the divorce was even final.
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Old 08-23-2008, 01:38 PM
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I would not allow an alcoholic to have 50% custody of my child.
My ex wanted that and I fought very hard against it and won.
Not only that, 50/50 is NOT good for a child as the research demonstrates.. They need one secure place to call home.

Your hubby is quacking to bully you into submission to the current situation.

It will def. take courage, patience, strength, finances, and determination to change this.
It CAN be done. You will come out on the other side.

Set your intent and move in that direction. Don't be influenced by his negativity if you want out.
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Old 08-23-2008, 02:26 PM
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My ex said exactly the same stuff, there was no way I was moving out since only my name was on the mortgage and with his drinking there was no way I was going to agree to split custody. In the end he moved out, we split everything 50/50 and I got physical custody of our son.

I had years and years of evidence of his drinking, I told him "if you fight me you'd better be ready to bring it because I will roast your a** over an open fire in court".
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Old 08-23-2008, 04:47 PM
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I think you are spot on in your thinking that this is to get you to change your mind, they love a bit of control (sweeping generalisation). Taking positve steps by changing his behaviour is too much like hard work, bullying is easier.

My exA is threatening to report me as an unfit mother to social services (they aren't even his children) It worried me for about a minute!!!!! One of the reasons I wanted him gone was that I didn't want them exposed to his crazy behaviours
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Old 08-23-2008, 05:22 PM
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This is great post - Iam glad that you decided to do this. Choices like these are hard to make.
I haen't been able to nake it to this point yet - I am still on meds and going to therapy. My life hs gtten better with Al-Anon, and I am ready to start living again. Just wondering when or if I will make this decision. Keep posting. thanks.
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Old 08-23-2008, 07:41 PM
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I would definitely talk to a lawyer before you do anything. Moving out may have some impact on your ability to get the house back. You also need to protect your child. FWIW, you want to file first and gain temporary custody. Keep documentation, including the rehab stint that you mention above. I would be incredibly surprised if a judge would allow 50/50 custody to someone who went to rehab but is not actively seeking treatment.

A lawyer can tell you what is required to protect you and your child. Do not listen to his quacking. BTDT. Sounds just like my STBXAH. He talked about keeping the kids, keeping the house, and now 4 months later, I'm having to "remind" him that his very young children need to see him over going to practice with his band. :chatter

Blah, blah, blah. Keep on the path that is best for you.
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Old 08-23-2008, 08:45 PM
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I appreciate all the advice/support.

Bernadette:
My son is three (4 in October) and an absolute doll. He adores his father. I'm trying to be honest about what's going on without giving him too many troubling details. Right now we're at my parents (his favorite place in the world), so he's having a ball.

Spiritual Seeker:
I have no intention of giving my AH 50/50 custody of our child. It would be bad news for everyone involved. A child needs a stable home and people to depend on, and my husband, though he loves our son very much, has not demonstrated himself to be consistently stable or dependable. He is a good father, and I want him to be involved, but some weird half and half scenario is not on my agenda.

I'm a little bit bummed that he's giving me the tough act. I shouldn't be surprised, but I was kind of hoping that we could civilly discuss the "marital rearrangement" (as I like to call it) with an eye towards what would be best for our child and easiest on each other.
We've been seeing a wonderful couples' therapist, and our communication skills have really improved over the last few months. Sadly, he's having a hard time applying them to this situation.

I saw a lawyer a little while back to get an idea of our financial situation and what I could expect as far as custody was concerned. I will give her a call to get some help figuring out where to go with this.


The confusing part of all this is that I left when things were pretty good:

No one was hitting me or screaming at me.
My child was not in danger.
No one was arrested.
No one lost their job.
There was no discovery of another woman.

I actually feel very loved by this man. He is good and loving. I want to be with him. But he loves me on HIS schedule - it isn't enough.

I just wasn't satisfied with things continuing as they were, and I didn't see any changes occurring to remedy the situation. I really don't want to be cruel to him, or even inconvenience him all that much. I just don't want to keep doing what we were doing. He's having a hard time understanding.

Thanks again for the support!
-TC
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Old 08-24-2008, 04:03 AM
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I couldn't sanely live with an alcoholic either. Some folks can. That doesn't make us any less, you know :ghug

Detaching can take several forms, not just emotional.

I had to detach in every sense of the word, emotionally and physically from my now deceased exAH. He was abusive physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I have had to detach in every sense of the word from my oldest AD. She is no longer welcome in my home, and I changed the locks after I kicked her out. It's remained that way for over 4 years now.
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Old 08-24-2008, 06:16 AM
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ToughChoices,

My counselor told me that I would know when I've had enough, and nothing in the world could change my mind at that point. Sounds like you've reached the end of your rope. I wish the very best for you and the first thing you definitely need to do is see an attorney ASAP. Your AH is just getting started with his ranting and quacking. Now that you've decided to remove yourself from the situation, you certainly don't have to follow his lead anymore. I'm sure that he is threatening you. That's what they do. You need facts right now, and you're certainly not going to get those from your AH. Take care. Too bad your AH couldn't give up his one night a week. I'm all too familiar with that. My AH was getting wasted once every three weeks or so for a long time. That alone wasn't so terrible. It was the mindset he had while he was active. Hurt our marriage big time. He lived in resentment 24/7 and I was at the top of the list.

BTW, I'm glad to see how many here were able to get physical custody of their children.
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