cyclelady

After my AH kissed and told me he loved me Thurs am he left for work and decided to not come home. While sitting at football w/ my kids I called him at 7pm (he is usually there around 6)and asked where he was and a phone call would have been appreciated and he said very nastly that he must have forgot and he was at his aunts telling them goodbye to go back out of state. (even though they werent leaving for 2 more days). I tried calling his cell, no answer. I tried calling his A parents his ADad answered and yelled at me and told me not to call his F*&^ house anymore. You would think that his mom would have called me and let me know he wasnt dead. I didnt hear from him until Friday at 8pm when he thought he was coming home like no big deal. He was TRASHED riding his motorcycle in. Of course I was angry so I was saying why couldnt you call? We(me and his 4 sons) thought you were dead. As he proceeds to yell at me (infront of the boys) that he hates me, i'm a "C", F-me, I can have it all, he is going to kill himself, and you can just imagine the names that were thrown.

We had split up and the deal was no more drinking if he wanted to come home. Well of course he loved me and the kids and it was worth it, I guess at that time of the day to feed me a line of BS so he could come home! Now he hates me and is trashed!! My heart and head hurt so bad I love this man but WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY would anyone in their right mind love a person who does these things and treats people the way they do? I feel like I'm going cray Why do I keep trying for 13 years and nothing will ever change? He doesnt want to change - "I'm the one with the problem"
"My head is the F'd up one" "He can control his drinking, it is all me"
Thanks for listening! I sure do need people today!!!!

Barbara52

First off, his drinking, his abusive behavior, his leaving you, etc is NOT your fault in anyway! You can't change him, you can't control him and you can't cure him. Only he can do that.

Please take whatever actions you think are necessary to protect yourself and you children. None of you deserve what you are going through. If you can't act for yourself, act for those children since they cannot act on their own behalf.

I am sorry you are in such pain. But you can change things so that you don't live in the madness that a relationship with an alcoholic can be.

respektingme

cyclelady,

You say "his" 4 boys. Are they your sons together or his sons from a previous marriage?

Regardless, I'm finding out more and more that words do very little. Imagine how many times you've argued with your AH and you both go into auto-response. I had an argument with my AH last week that was almost word for word the same exact argument we've been having for 15 years. I started to realize how nothing about our arguing had changed. So I changed it. I gave him a different response.

What I'm learning is that our words are falling on deaf ears. There's nothing I can say that my AH either hasn't heard before, or hasn't ignored before. Either way, there's no reason to believe my AH is going to all of the sudden understand my position now, or start listening to me now.

Words start to mean very little. And we expend soooo much energy repeating them over and over and over. Nothing changes unless we change it. Action in some fashion, is the only thing that I've found works at all. Setting boundaries helps. Having a plan helps. Concentrating on what you need to make you happy helps. For me, it helps me to remember NOT to ride the roller coaster. Just last night, my AH was acting weird, like he was ticked about something. I asked him what was wrong, and he said nothing. I let myself get irritated that he was acting weird and ended up saying something snotty to him. I realized I was really being so codependent. So I apologized to him for my remarks, went and found the kids and cuddled up with them to watch Spongebob.

I used to fall for his mood swings hook, line and sinker. Now, I find some peace by figuring out my place in it all and seeking my own sanity over following his lead.

And, I have also stopped harping on my AH for things he does which bother me, but never change. At least the things I can live with. Just not worth my sanity.

OverItNow

I am sorry that you are going through this. I also found that just the act of knowing that it's all an act helped me. Not that I don't hurt, I still hurt at the viciousness of his words when he's drunk, but I also know that the next day I don't believe any of the "I'm sorry" "I'm done with drinking" "It won't happen again" etc. Because I know these are lies and don't believe them, I don't set myself up to feel that disappointment when it happens again--sometimes the very next day.

I too have children and I will not fight with him, especially when he is drunk, or respond to him, in front of them. Obviously the best thing my household is for him to be totally gone, but until that happens, I will not engage him before, during or after an "episode" when they're anywhere near. I am a 41 year old woman and his behavior used to confuse me, I can't imagine how confusing it is to children.