Silverberry1331

I am really feeling down today. The impending date of the AH's move out is coming (9/7). His behavior has become more erratic. Often times when he stays out all night, I am relieved. The days after that follow are the hard part. His depression sets in as the hangover reeks havok.

I am trying to remain detached, but today it seems like all I can do is cry and cry. I left for work this morning, and he called using all the same techniques that he usually does...self-pity,ect. I told him that I was going to bring home some boxes and I was going to help him pack. I have been trying to reinforce the notion that 9/7 is the out date...no matter what.

Well, he continues to call, and stated that he made a decision to check himself in somewhere (next week, of course)...He said he spoke to his psychatrists about it because if he doesn't get help he is going to kill himself. I said that this was a good step for him, and that when he was done in the in-treatment place, they could help him into a half-way house (wanted to reinforce the notion that no matter what he can't come back).

Then he said, "Once we were in love...what happened?" My reply was love wasn't the problem, everything else was, and now there is no going back. Still this statement makes me just cry and cry. I am just heart sick for the loss of my marriage and the love that once we really shared. I cry for all these things I have to do in order to remove myself from this person who was once everything to me. I cry for him and the life he will have if he doesn't get help. I cry for him and the realization he will have about the loss of this relationship if he does get sober.

To make matters worse, I am working today...so I have to cry silently by my desk, when I truly would just like to wail.

dolphingal1971

i was doing the same thing last night. We can wish ourselves to death, but it doesnt change things. I keep telling myself that. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. :praying

Pajarito

(((Oh Silverberry))) I am so sorry today is so hard for you. I've excused myself to go cry in the bathroom at work, I've taken a break to go for a walk. It's hard when we can't always just give in to our emotions.

Your comments about the loss of your marriage breaks my heart too. I am going through this very thing, and constantly go back in time wondering what happened. One thing that has helped me is something that is said over and over on this forum- play the tape all the way through. Yes- there was a time when that love was innocent and new- when it was all fun, but the reality for me is that I've been with my STBXAH for 18 years, and I can tell you that a good 10 of them were extremely hard. I didn't choose this. He made some very bad choices that I- unfortunately- tried to live with. I feel now that I spent way too much time trying to find that sweet man I married. He is not that person today. He had years to get sober, but he has chosen not to. I have to chose to live my life for me. It's hard- I wrote a thread about how hard just yesterday. But today I feel better. I know there will be ups and downs. Thankfully I have this forum to come to when I feel down. There are many people here who have been through this, and can help us work through it. Take care. I believe you are doing just what you need to- as hard as it is.

juju

It’s amazing to me how similar all our a’s are. It’s like they just keep throwing $hit at the wall, hoping something will stick.

Crying is painful, but can be cleansing. Allow yourself to grieve. We see the person they can be, and it IS sad when they choose a different route. It’s like a death of sorts, the death of what could have been. But, accepting that’s it is their choice, and it’s your choice to not follow down that path, is hard but helpful.

Tomorrow can be better.

((((((hugs)))))))

juju

scorpiogirl

Hello dear one,

It's not over til it's over. Even if he moves out, there is no guarantee that it won't work out. It could be a detour that is needed so everyone doesn't fall in the ditch!

I've seen people in recovery over the years, leave spouses and then, the spouse realizes they lost their marriage over their addiction, got sober (treatment or otherwise) and eventually, talk took place and they got back together.

On the other hand, if you know in your heart it is over...for good, then you're in the grieving stages. (loss, hurt, anger, depression, denial.....there is 1 more). Just allow yourself to feel. I know you are. I used to use the bathroom as my praying room (in the stall). it's good that you can write us during the day. Are you getting any live support for yourself?

Feel my arms around you during this difficult time. :ghug3

ScorpioGirl.....

Startingover2

I am going thru the same thing and it seems like when you are its hard to keep the boundaries up.

I don't have much advice because I am usually spinning my own wheels but know I am thinking of you.

Reality

Your enforcement of boundaries is inspiring. I have a feeling incredible change for the good is coming your way. Have faith...this pain is not for nothing.

XXOO

NeedHappiness

Silverberry, I know it's hard. I still am fighting the same feelings myself. There is really no easy way through this except THROUGH IT. Go ahead and cry.....I still have my moments too and I guess this is normal. I know for me, the hardest part was actually HIM getting his stuff out of the house and moving away. Then coming home at night to be by myself. It's a huge change if you are used to someone being there. Time will heal though. Although I miss the sober XABF very very much, I try and do as Pajarito said....play the tape all the way through. I even re read my lists of reasons to split up and it all comes back to me. Time will heal. We just have to do what is best for US and stay strong.
Thinking of you and sending hugs your way

Silverberry1331

Thank you for all your support.

I guess I just feel so helpless in the situation. I can only stand by and watch this unfold. I feel like I am swept up in some kind of current that I can't swim against any more. I had to let his hand go and swim to the shore, and watch him get swept away. It is almost unbearable.

Pajarito

He could choose to swim to shore too, but he's not. The only person you can save is yourself. If one day he chooses to do that for himself- then good. In the meantime take care of yourself. (((hugs)))

Barbara52

Ah but that realization, that you are not in control of the things you cannot control, will help you once you get past the pain and initial mourning.

{hugs} It will get better.

isitme

I could have wrote this. The last couple of days have been extrememly hard for me as well. When I finally see the end of the relationship in sight I just codie up into a ball. :codiepolice

I admire your boundaries and your courage. I know you'll make it and you'll be a stonger version of yourself!

GiveLove

I couldn't say it better than this, silverberry.

Your feelings are so normal. This is a sad, sad, sad, sad condition, this alcoholism. And you are a feeling person with a big heart. I believe your husband knows exactly what to say to throw you off balance emotionally (we used to be in love, I'm gonna kill myself, etc.) and you are still off balance after one of those conversations for hours, even days, and they run into the NEXT time he does it, so you get no relief. It's like that old chinese water torture thing....there's no respite from it.

Can you talk to him less? Can you do anything to stop or limit those daily infusions of agony from him?

These are the hardest days. You are doing the right things. You just need to get through this whatever it takes.

Treat yourself tenderly, friend.



All I can say is that life does rebalance itself.

penneypoo

you're feelings are very normal, just keep reminding yourself that you're doing the right thing. He's trying to make you feel worse, and manipulate you into letting him stay longer. Stay strong, it will get easier once he's gone, but until then try to detatch and avoid contact. Don't answer his calls. They are his problems, and choices he made that caused the marriage to fail. You are just smart enough to cut your losses, and get out now. Things will get better for you

gns

I am sorry silverberry. It must me very hard to be right there in the middle of it. It will get better, though. Take care of yourself!

Silverberry1331

Thanks to all who have answered.

The crying has subsided, but it always leaves that residue of gloominess. When I am in this type of mood, I become like a glutton for punishment. On one hand, work is almost over now, and I don't want to go home. I know he is there and the house feels "heavy." Yet, I am drawn to go home. The thought of going there makes me feel down, but I go quietly like a lamb going to slaughter. I just want this to be over with already.

Not to mention, I have anxiety and fear about what will become of my life. My mother got divorced at 37 from my father, and is now 57...she never remarried or could not find anyone else. She is constantly searching, searching, searching. I am not saying that I necessarily need to have a mate. However, I don't want to be like the old lady with 100 cats dining on cat food. You know?

Am I a nut?

Silverberry1331

I TOTALLY NEEDED THAT LAUGH!!! I love when you post---they are so precisely to the point! Love headin' your way! :ghug3

Bernadette

You may very well be a nut. Many of us are, so you're in good company!

If I based my future life based on what happened to my mother I would still be in a lousy marriage and in denial about my codependency! Don't compare. And don't awfulize the future - you really can't know what adventures await you!! You can't say today what you'll be a year from now. So take it easy on ol' Silverberry! Maybe start responding to these negative thoughts by saying out loud "The best is yet to come." It is just as likely as what you're imagining but it might lead you out of your gloominess.....

You are a unique and lovable person. You are really in a tough position right now- dreading and yet trying to prepare for his departure which must make time seem to be crawling!!

You're moving in a positive direction Silver....hang in there!!!:ghug3
Peace,
B.

P.S. You know when you invoke the Cat Lady you must be reaching the end of your rope and there is a BIG LAUGH coming your way!! I hope you find it this weekend....take care.

GiveLove

And I know three lovely, strong women who met their husbands (one of them a RICH husband) in their 50s and 60s. So it's all about the role models you have. I know I've felt so much better about that since meeting those women and knowing that all the old stories don't have to be true.

Personally, if I end up single I want to do more than collect cats. I want to hang with my nieces and nephews, do crazy athletic things like racewalking, write a book, dye my hair green, buy a house with five other old ladies and spend our evenings by the fire playing Quiddler together and laughing our a***s off. It is all in your perspective.......don't buy into somebody else's view of what your life has to look like! You're a wonderful lady and you will attract like-minded people if you put yourself out there.

But for now.....hugs to you to face whatever comes. You don't HAVE to go straight home, silverberry. Nor do you have to let him spill his guts to you about whatever sordid thing he's feeling at any given minute. Are you doing it to punish yourself?

I know I had to cut my "get out date" short because of just what you're facing head-on right now. Hopefully he will choose to go out tonight and leave you alone.

Stay strong.

freeflower

I can't seem to put my feelings into words . Reading all the stories on here that could be a carbon copy of my life right now is a feeling of having sisters and brothers who can relate to me completely. I go to work everyday with mascara on and come home with none. A good cry will creep up on me, maybe from hearing a song or letting my mind go wander on how and why and what has become of my life. I turned 49 yesterday and felt great sadness for some reason .. came to my computer and started searching the daily posts on here to help me regroup and gets some focus back and I found this one. I feel your pain silverberry.. keep going girl! I also feel a bit better too.