Rella927

Friday, August 22, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Responsibility for Family Members

I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
--Anonymous

For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.

We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.

Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.

We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.

Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.

Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.

Barbara52

This is one of the many inappropriate things I learned from my alcoholic parents. {sigh} Its actually been one of the easiest for me to unlearn too for some reason.

Lilyflower

I really needed this today, thank you Rella. I am spending the afternoon with my family and I am so stressed right now by my mother. I feel that she makes snide comments that convey her dissatisfaction with me and my thoughts constantly, to be completely honest it really p***es me off, I feel like shouting and screaming at her, so I just came away and logged onto SR for some support and spotted your post.

She still triggers all the same responsibility feelings in me, that I am not quite good enough for her, that she doesn't like me. She has thoughts that, urgh!- I just wish she would bloody SAY if she has to and get it out instead of using this pathetic deflecting speach, talking about me when I'm in the room like I'm not and to my two year old niece and nephew of all people!

I feel like she is turning them against me, making me out to be something that I am not to young impressionable minds. - Me overexaggerating, I know but the thought comes into my mind like a bullet.

I stand up for myself and try to tell her that it is not fair to talk about me like that to them as best I can, and then she walks out and slams the door!

It is like I turn into a small child again when she behaves this way, I get stuck and just cannot say what I want to say. I get emotional when I don't want to, I let my feelings blow up when I know I shouldn't, all I can do to prevent all hell breaking loose is just walk away.

Sometimes, now that abf is gone, I feel she is my greatest obstacle in my recovery. The day I feel I can deal with her and it doesn't drive me insane being in her comapny is the day I know I have this recovery thing all figured out.

I know in my heart that I just need to practice my recovery tools, detach from it all, don't let her emotions sway mine, don't get blown around by every wind etc, but with her it is just so hard!

Thanks for listening to me vent,

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Freedom1990

That really hit home with me today!

Barbara52

It is hard. But well worth the effort. Set your boundaries and think of what you are willing to do when they are violated.

Perhaps instead of letting her get mad and walk out, you calmly say I won't be talked to in this manner and you walk away. She will come to learn what is acceptable to you and what is not. And she will either change her behaviors or won't. But you will no longer be allowing her to spill her toxic stuff all over you.

Lilyflower

Thanks Barbara,

I feel better now, I came away from the room and got my thoughts together after venting here.

I guess some might say how I handled it was to pretend nothing had happened because I went back into the front room and asked what drink was mine (she had gone to make tea when she slammed the door). I didn't oppress my emotions though, because honestly after I vented here I felt lots better already.

Perhaps I should have raised the issue again, but I cannot be doing with an arguement with her; that is usually all I ever get when I try to talk in the 'I' with her.

I don't know, I am getting better at voicing my opinion in her company without feeling like I have to apologise for it, and at standing up for myself when she belittles me in one way or another; so that is great progress!

When she is actually doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable, it seems my emotions just raise from my stomach instinctively.

I tend to spend little time around her because of how she makes me feel, but I also want to be part of my family; knowing that I need to overcome this 'feeling like a child' thing I have when I am with her.

You are right, I need to assess my boundaries if I am feeling that I am losing my serenity. Patience patience, and progress not perfection...

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bernadette

When she is actually doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable, it seems my emotions just raise from my stomach instinctively.

Ugh - Lily - you're not alone! I also feel like my Mom is my biggest challenge in recovery.

And I just try and work hard every day to have a relationship with my boys where they will never feel this uncomfortable around ME! I mean, I know I am their Mom and I am annoying and I am something "safe" to come up against for them...I just hope they never completely DREAD seeing me like I do my Mom.

I just have the lousiest feelings in my gut when I am around my Mom. I feel bad for her. She can be so fake and so cutting....
B.

Lilyflower

I hear ya Bern!!!:ghug3

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx