My confession- I am in big trouble-very scared
Ann
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: The Wild Mid-west
Posts: 44
You did the right thing. I know you are scared but you saved somebody's life by doing so.
A relative of mine was hit by a drunk driver on Friday night. She died today, leaving behind a husband and two children. The drunk driver walked away with only a bruise. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. My family would have thanked you. Just my two cents.
A relative of mine was hit by a drunk driver on Friday night. She died today, leaving behind a husband and two children. The drunk driver walked away with only a bruise. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. My family would have thanked you. Just my two cents.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by Startingover2 
Thank you again!
I think I may suddenly be very unpopular in this area pretty soon.
I think I may suddenly be very unpopular in this area pretty soon.
But I also wasn't in harms way. Take Barbara's advice, and protect yourself.
I'd be willing to bet that just like any other BULLY he'll just skulk away when/if he finds out you made a stand and did the right thing.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
People who do the right thing in spite of being afraid are MY HEROS.
Last edited by coyote21; 08-21-2008 at 04:07 PM. Reason: spelling as usual!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
You guys are the best. I really feel so much stronger when I read here.
I still haven't heard a thing from or about him. I don't think he went with his attorney to court today. Someone saw him driving this morning. He did say last night that she was going to let him know beforehand if he had to go or not.
I am wondering if the attorney got a continuance. Her big case was disproving the reasons why AH was pulled over in the first place and if she uncovered something she may need more time. I don't know if that is possible to continue on your second court date though.
See, I am so nervous i am rambling.
I still haven't heard a thing from or about him. I don't think he went with his attorney to court today. Someone saw him driving this morning. He did say last night that she was going to let him know beforehand if he had to go or not.
I am wondering if the attorney got a continuance. Her big case was disproving the reasons why AH was pulled over in the first place and if she uncovered something she may need more time. I don't know if that is possible to continue on your second court date though.
See, I am so nervous i am rambling.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Easy does it Sover2--
Just remember you are under NO obligation to speak to his lawyer or answer any questions. And if you are somehow tricked into speaking to her say NOTHING! Just keep saying you want to speak to YOUR lawyer. Let her subpoena you if she has to.
Take a hot bath, invite a friend to sleep over, watch the Olympics!!! Just get through each moment until you have more information that you can actually deal with. Right now it's tough for you since you have fear and a sick gut feeling but no facts to back anything up....
...remember this feeling in your stomach because you lied to him is just a feeling, it has no bearing on anything that is actually happening....
(((hugs))) and MORE ((((HUGS)))))
Peace,
B.
Just remember you are under NO obligation to speak to his lawyer or answer any questions. And if you are somehow tricked into speaking to her say NOTHING! Just keep saying you want to speak to YOUR lawyer. Let her subpoena you if she has to.
Take a hot bath, invite a friend to sleep over, watch the Olympics!!! Just get through each moment until you have more information that you can actually deal with. Right now it's tough for you since you have fear and a sick gut feeling but no facts to back anything up....
...remember this feeling in your stomach because you lied to him is just a feeling, it has no bearing on anything that is actually happening....
(((hugs))) and MORE ((((HUGS)))))
Peace,
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Well, it got continued to Sept. 18. I guess his attorney went to court and presented her case to the prosecutor and asked for it to be reduced to a wet reckless and he would pleade guilty to that. If they don't accept they will go on.
He also mentioned that she is going to review the reasons and calls that caused AH to get pulled over. So now I wait to see if it is discovered that I called.
He was very nice and spent time with baby and we had a nice chat. I had a hard time holding back tears. I felt so sad that this is now our life. How sad for our baby that will have split parents since she is 4 months old. That we couldn't hold it together.
I am also sad that he is not drinking. I know his life is in turmoil because of the dui, but why couldn't he do that for us? Why can he do it living back at another house away from us? Why does he look like he thinks this is the best thing?
He also mentioned that she is going to review the reasons and calls that caused AH to get pulled over. So now I wait to see if it is discovered that I called.
He was very nice and spent time with baby and we had a nice chat. I had a hard time holding back tears. I felt so sad that this is now our life. How sad for our baby that will have split parents since she is 4 months old. That we couldn't hold it together.
I am also sad that he is not drinking. I know his life is in turmoil because of the dui, but why couldn't he do that for us? Why can he do it living back at another house away from us? Why does he look like he thinks this is the best thing?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Grants Pass, Oregon
Posts: 137
Startingover2,
You made a very difficult decision. The 911 tapes will be obtained by the attorney and you will be placed in a very difficult position. If your AH is like most, he will become an SOB and make your life miserable. If he has any redeeming qualities at all, he will be devastated that he caused you to have no other choice and will apologize.
If he is truly remorseful support him in his search for recovery. If not, consider filing for legal separation or divorce to keep him from destroying you financially as well as emotionally. God Bless.
You made a very difficult decision. The 911 tapes will be obtained by the attorney and you will be placed in a very difficult position. If your AH is like most, he will become an SOB and make your life miserable. If he has any redeeming qualities at all, he will be devastated that he caused you to have no other choice and will apologize.
If he is truly remorseful support him in his search for recovery. If not, consider filing for legal separation or divorce to keep him from destroying you financially as well as emotionally. God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Startingover2: I don't know how the laws work in your state, however, in many states the tapes can be discoverable as evidence. This is mostly, I think, because the officers can't lie on their reports about how they found out. If they are not discoverable as evidence, they may be part of a public record, kind of like court papers filed are part of public record. I think you can call the police department or 911 dispatch to find out. In all honesty, the lawyer is just doing her job. If she didn't explore all evidence she could be sanctioned or disbarred. Many people don't understand this, or are just so hateful for whatever reason they don't try, however, it's the reality of the situation.
If he knows, then he knows. I think you did the right thing, so plan ahead and keep yourself safe.
If he knows, then he knows. I think you did the right thing, so plan ahead and keep yourself safe.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
BTW theotherone--
"...attorney and moral in the same sentence????
(UH-OH, that should ruffle a few feathers around here!)"
Actually this did ruffle my feathers!! It's funny but my first thought when Startingover posted this was "OMG! Call a lawyer!!"
This is a great country precisely because it is a country ruled by law. Is it corrupt? Natch. But it is the best functioning system there is. Are there corrupt lawyers? Sure. There are also corrupt sanitation workers, teachers, secretaries, doctors....in other words -- a certain percentage of PEOPLE are corrupt!!
I have thanked my lucky stars many a time for lawyers who have represented me or given me advice. They know the law! They fight tooth and nail for the proper application of the law. Regardless of what we on the outside think of the defendant. And don't forget - the prosecuters (DA's) are also lawyers!!
So let's not bash "lawyers" as a group!
I know, I know - in this case we just want this particular lawyer to NOT make startingover's life more difficult. And it's unacceptable to see a DUI get off with a slap or a reduced charge, etc. But the way to avoid that is by changing the laws. Because the lawyers are only going by whatever they can in accordance with the law as its written.
Thankfully, DUI laws have been getting stricter and stricter, and sentences more punitive in most states - and that is good news!
Anyhoo you threw it out there and I took the bait!!!
Peace,
B.
"...attorney and moral in the same sentence????
(UH-OH, that should ruffle a few feathers around here!)"
Actually this did ruffle my feathers!! It's funny but my first thought when Startingover posted this was "OMG! Call a lawyer!!"
This is a great country precisely because it is a country ruled by law. Is it corrupt? Natch. But it is the best functioning system there is. Are there corrupt lawyers? Sure. There are also corrupt sanitation workers, teachers, secretaries, doctors....in other words -- a certain percentage of PEOPLE are corrupt!!
I have thanked my lucky stars many a time for lawyers who have represented me or given me advice. They know the law! They fight tooth and nail for the proper application of the law. Regardless of what we on the outside think of the defendant. And don't forget - the prosecuters (DA's) are also lawyers!!
So let's not bash "lawyers" as a group!
I know, I know - in this case we just want this particular lawyer to NOT make startingover's life more difficult. And it's unacceptable to see a DUI get off with a slap or a reduced charge, etc. But the way to avoid that is by changing the laws. Because the lawyers are only going by whatever they can in accordance with the law as its written.
Thankfully, DUI laws have been getting stricter and stricter, and sentences more punitive in most states - and that is good news!
Anyhoo you threw it out there and I took the bait!!!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I have to agree with Bernadette. I come in contact with a lot of attorneys in my profession. There are most definitely a handful who are slimey. But, the majority, from what I can tell, are people who have a passion for justice and have gone into the field to uphold that passion. They believe deeply and strongly in what they are doing and do it to the best of their ability.
Personal story: When I was contemplating divorce and trying to weigh the advantages against legal separation, I called a local attorney and he consulted with me over the phone at no charge. He gave me valuable information and spent a good 45 minutes of his time explaining to me the ins and outs of divorce/separation. I decided to do the divorce myself and not hire him for representation. I feel somewhat like the immoral person in that scenario for picking his brain and using the information to my own advantage without compensating him for his efforts.
When we judge and criticize others based on stereotypes or roles, it is a demonstration of black/white, right/wrong, all/nothing thinking. In my recovery, I have learned that this type of thinking limits me and closes my mind to the endless possibilities available in every situation.
JMHO,
L
Personal story: When I was contemplating divorce and trying to weigh the advantages against legal separation, I called a local attorney and he consulted with me over the phone at no charge. He gave me valuable information and spent a good 45 minutes of his time explaining to me the ins and outs of divorce/separation. I decided to do the divorce myself and not hire him for representation. I feel somewhat like the immoral person in that scenario for picking his brain and using the information to my own advantage without compensating him for his efforts.
When we judge and criticize others based on stereotypes or roles, it is a demonstration of black/white, right/wrong, all/nothing thinking. In my recovery, I have learned that this type of thinking limits me and closes my mind to the endless possibilities available in every situation.
JMHO,
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
I wish I had known about calling in a drunk driver. It never occurred to me that I could do that. I think it's awesome. I regret having not done it. I wish I had, I wish I had, I wish I had...
How does the saying go? God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
You can't change his drinking and driving, but you certainly can take steps to protect yourself, and if the opportunity arises steps to protect others. You've done a wonderful thing. It was courageous and totally in keeping with your principles.
If you are afraid for your safety, can you have some friends spend the next few days with you at your house? I wouldn't jump yet for a protection order right away... I have learned that it can aggravate situations sometimes. Here is what I found on restraining orders:
Restraining orders
You may want to consider getting a restraining order or protective order against your abusive partner. However, remember that the police can enforce a restraining order only if someone violates it, and then only if someone reports the violation. This means that you must be endangered in some way for the police to step in!
If you are the victim of stalking or abuse, you need to carefully research how restraining orders are enforced in your neighborhood. Find out if the abuser will just be given a citation or if they will actually be taken to jail. If the police simply talk to the violator or give a citation, your abuser may reason that the police will do nothing and feel empowered to pursue you further. Or your abuser may become angry and retaliate.
Do not feel falsely secure with a restraining order!
You are not necessarily safe if you have a restraining order or protection order. The stalker or abuser may ignore it, and the police may do nothing to enforce it. To learn about restraining orders in your area, call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or contact your state's Domestic Violence Coalition.
I doubt that they gave your number, if they promised anonymity. But, perhaps calling the police station might be in order... or a quick call to the court or a family lawyer.
How does the saying go? God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
You can't change his drinking and driving, but you certainly can take steps to protect yourself, and if the opportunity arises steps to protect others. You've done a wonderful thing. It was courageous and totally in keeping with your principles.
If you are afraid for your safety, can you have some friends spend the next few days with you at your house? I wouldn't jump yet for a protection order right away... I have learned that it can aggravate situations sometimes. Here is what I found on restraining orders:
Restraining orders
You may want to consider getting a restraining order or protective order against your abusive partner. However, remember that the police can enforce a restraining order only if someone violates it, and then only if someone reports the violation. This means that you must be endangered in some way for the police to step in!
If you are the victim of stalking or abuse, you need to carefully research how restraining orders are enforced in your neighborhood. Find out if the abuser will just be given a citation or if they will actually be taken to jail. If the police simply talk to the violator or give a citation, your abuser may reason that the police will do nothing and feel empowered to pursue you further. Or your abuser may become angry and retaliate.
Do not feel falsely secure with a restraining order!
You are not necessarily safe if you have a restraining order or protection order. The stalker or abuser may ignore it, and the police may do nothing to enforce it. To learn about restraining orders in your area, call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or contact your state's Domestic Violence Coalition.
I doubt that they gave your number, if they promised anonymity. But, perhaps calling the police station might be in order... or a quick call to the court or a family lawyer.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
That just seems so unfair! Surely allowing lawyers access to 911 tapes would discourage people calling anonymously? It just aint right.
Anyway, you did the right thing, I am sorry you are going through this.
Anyway, you did the right thing, I am sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 22
I think you are so brave. I wish I had the courage to do the same about my brother-in-law, who has totalled 1 car already but seems to be able to escape DUIs. I worry constantly about my 4 nieces and nephews if they are riding in the car with him.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I admire you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I admire you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Protect yourself and your baby. That's all I can say. That's all you have to do: no more and no less. His drinking is his problem. His DUI is his problem. Don't get completely seduced by his coming around to see the baby. He could be using that opportunity to check in on you... to see where you're at... to manipulate... to see where he can find a weakness.
I used to think my husband loved his kids. He does on a certain level, but he LOVES BOOZE MORE. He calls the kids on SKYPE (free video conferencing) every week, not because he cares about them, but because he wants to either 1) say something to upset me; 2) trap me into saying something incriminating in front of one of his addict witnesses; 3) spy on me; 4) show that he cares when he really doesn't. There was a time I felt guilty for the separation, for making it harder for the kids to see their dad... but as time goes on, I see how much healthier they are getting without having to see him.
I used to think my husband loved his kids. He does on a certain level, but he LOVES BOOZE MORE. He calls the kids on SKYPE (free video conferencing) every week, not because he cares about them, but because he wants to either 1) say something to upset me; 2) trap me into saying something incriminating in front of one of his addict witnesses; 3) spy on me; 4) show that he cares when he really doesn't. There was a time I felt guilty for the separation, for making it harder for the kids to see their dad... but as time goes on, I see how much healthier they are getting without having to see him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
I'm sorry you are going through this. I can imagine you're experiencing so much anxiety and worry.
I think it's probably best to stick to what you know. If you think he'll be violent when he finds out, than you may want to consider a restraining order or speak with an attorney, or at the very least speak with the police department about it. If you worry that he'll be gone for good if he finds out, than there's nothing you can do about that. If he's really and truly in recovery, I don't think he should be holding it against you. And when/if the day comes that he confronts you, stand your ground. What he did was against the law, not what you did. He was putting others at risk with no consideration for their lives, and that included your own child. He may have some consequences for getting his 2nd DUI (1st should have been a lesson enough actually), but they pale in comparison to the lives he was putting at risk every time he drank and got behind the wheel. Keep that in mind. There is no comparison to his driving drunk and you calling the cops, none. Alcoholics can drink themselves blind day in and day out without taking the lives of others into their drunken hands. His choice put everyone in his path at risk of losing their lives. Your choice not only saved others, but possibly saved himself as well.
I think it's probably best to stick to what you know. If you think he'll be violent when he finds out, than you may want to consider a restraining order or speak with an attorney, or at the very least speak with the police department about it. If you worry that he'll be gone for good if he finds out, than there's nothing you can do about that. If he's really and truly in recovery, I don't think he should be holding it against you. And when/if the day comes that he confronts you, stand your ground. What he did was against the law, not what you did. He was putting others at risk with no consideration for their lives, and that included your own child. He may have some consequences for getting his 2nd DUI (1st should have been a lesson enough actually), but they pale in comparison to the lives he was putting at risk every time he drank and got behind the wheel. Keep that in mind. There is no comparison to his driving drunk and you calling the cops, none. Alcoholics can drink themselves blind day in and day out without taking the lives of others into their drunken hands. His choice put everyone in his path at risk of losing their lives. Your choice not only saved others, but possibly saved himself as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
It was so nice to wake up to alot of these posts.
Everyone is right. He drove drunk and it wasn't the first time. He would drive every weekend very intoxicated and even during the week when he was just a little buzzed. He was a tragedy waiting to happen.
I forgot to mention when he was here yesterday and telling me about the court date he said that he learned his lesson. I hope so. I did tell him that he was going to kill himself or someone else if he kept it up and as hard as this will be for him he needed to be stopped. He just looked at me and said that was the same thing his mom told him earlier that day.
I just have to wait and see if its discovered. If it is, I will fess up.
He should also be getting his custody and support papers next week. Another thing I am stressing about. I have no choice. The guy doesn't live here anymore, we are not together and we need some sort of custody plan in place along with child support. He has not paid anything since she was born except on package of diapers ($7.99) each week.
I really need to figure out why he is so scary to me and why doing the right thing is so hard with him. Not just the 911 call, but the papers being served and just putting up some boundaries. When I look back he has caused nothing but pain to me and my children.
Everyone is right. He drove drunk and it wasn't the first time. He would drive every weekend very intoxicated and even during the week when he was just a little buzzed. He was a tragedy waiting to happen.
I forgot to mention when he was here yesterday and telling me about the court date he said that he learned his lesson. I hope so. I did tell him that he was going to kill himself or someone else if he kept it up and as hard as this will be for him he needed to be stopped. He just looked at me and said that was the same thing his mom told him earlier that day.
I just have to wait and see if its discovered. If it is, I will fess up.
He should also be getting his custody and support papers next week. Another thing I am stressing about. I have no choice. The guy doesn't live here anymore, we are not together and we need some sort of custody plan in place along with child support. He has not paid anything since she was born except on package of diapers ($7.99) each week.
I really need to figure out why he is so scary to me and why doing the right thing is so hard with him. Not just the 911 call, but the papers being served and just putting up some boundaries. When I look back he has caused nothing but pain to me and my children.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I have already told my youngest AD that if I ever have knowledge of her getting in her car after drinking I won't hesitate to call 911.
My oldest AD hasn't had a vehicle for years, which is a good thing
My oldest AD hasn't had a vehicle for years, which is a good thing
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
I thought I was the only one bothered by the attorney statement.
I've heard every joke in the book. "What do you call 1000 attorneys at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. Truly knee slapping, don't you think?
Many people hate attorneys...until they need one. Hopefully those who find us immoral never need one. If they do, hopefully they find the best one to fit their needs.
I think to lump us all into "immoral" category is truly sad. This would also include those who work for practically nothing serving battered women, advocating for children, and fighting for all of our civil liberties. Are there bad ones? Sure, but the good far outweigh the bad.
I've heard every joke in the book. "What do you call 1000 attorneys at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. Truly knee slapping, don't you think?
Many people hate attorneys...until they need one. Hopefully those who find us immoral never need one. If they do, hopefully they find the best one to fit their needs.
I think to lump us all into "immoral" category is truly sad. This would also include those who work for practically nothing serving battered women, advocating for children, and fighting for all of our civil liberties. Are there bad ones? Sure, but the good far outweigh the bad.
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