Self righteous XABF?! What?! How?!
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Originally Posted by TTOSBT 
Were you responding to my questions?
Please don't read anything into my questions. They were simply a request for clarification.
Plus I believe VERY much in the 12 step thing with a HP and stuff and I have never believed that I have ZERO control over anything./ If that is what you think it is, you have been misinformed and are mistaken.
And truly, do you not see that people would not be here responding to you if we didn't care? You would be sitting here with no responses. Seriously I think your anger is being misdirected. You are a grown woman and have every right to be with who you want. But you came here and people are trying to help you see other sides, is all.
Please don't read anything into my questions. They were simply a request for clarification.
Plus I believe VERY much in the 12 step thing with a HP and stuff and I have never believed that I have ZERO control over anything./ If that is what you think it is, you have been misinformed and are mistaken.
And truly, do you not see that people would not be here responding to you if we didn't care? You would be sitting here with no responses. Seriously I think your anger is being misdirected. You are a grown woman and have every right to be with who you want. But you came here and people are trying to help you see other sides, is all.
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Originally Posted by LucyA
I dont do this 12 step thing with a HP stuff, as you call it, but I know it works for some people.
I also don't think I have zero control over everything.
I have control over lots of things. I don't however have control over any other persons thoughts or actions. For any of us to have that we'd have to give up control of ourselves to someone else.
As you say, you have the power to not let him treat you like sh*t, use it for your own good.
And yes, you have the power to be able to listen to what someone has to say, you also have the power to decide if it's bull, harmfull to you, outright lies, purely disrespectful, or the truth.
I also don't think I have zero control over everything.
I have control over lots of things. I don't however have control over any other persons thoughts or actions. For any of us to have that we'd have to give up control of ourselves to someone else.
As you say, you have the power to not let him treat you like sh*t, use it for your own good.
And yes, you have the power to be able to listen to what someone has to say, you also have the power to decide if it's bull, harmfull to you, outright lies, purely disrespectful, or the truth.
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Originally Posted by windingroad
being in addictive relationship causes a cyclone in our heads. that you are confused and upset and unable to know what to do for yourself or for him is always what goes on in relationship with an addict. it happens to everyone and it is part of the disease, how it infects the addict and those closest to him.
you're young and confused and looking for help ("needshelp"). if you are unwilling to see a counselor, or to go to al-anon, then maybe, on your own, you could just read some books about addiction. you don't have to have perfect answers right now, you just have to be willing to learn. that is the beginning.
no need to believe in God. or AA. (i believe in both but you have your path). and sometimes when we don't believe in anything or know enough, life just steps in and teaches us. so he may come back and you two may give it another go and lesson after lesson will occur. they will be yours alone and you alone will decide what decisions to make for you.
just read up on addictive disease, ok? it's what he has, it changes personality and behavior, and it decimates the addict and his loved ones. at least know what is operating. i worry you may be physically hurt.
i hope everything will work out for you. in my belief system, God is guiding everyone, so i believe God will guide you. do the best you can.
you're young and confused and looking for help ("needshelp"). if you are unwilling to see a counselor, or to go to al-anon, then maybe, on your own, you could just read some books about addiction. you don't have to have perfect answers right now, you just have to be willing to learn. that is the beginning.
no need to believe in God. or AA. (i believe in both but you have your path). and sometimes when we don't believe in anything or know enough, life just steps in and teaches us. so he may come back and you two may give it another go and lesson after lesson will occur. they will be yours alone and you alone will decide what decisions to make for you.
just read up on addictive disease, ok? it's what he has, it changes personality and behavior, and it decimates the addict and his loved ones. at least know what is operating. i worry you may be physically hurt.
i hope everything will work out for you. in my belief system, God is guiding everyone, so i believe God will guide you. do the best you can.
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Originally Posted by NeedHelp81
That is exactly my point. You were the that said I have no control over it. Yes I do - I can persuade the situation the way it needs to go or I can end it. That is control.
you have no control over 'the situation', only over how you respond to it or how you react to it.
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Personally he doesn't seem like someone I would want to be in a relationship or friendship with.
And finally, my thoughts are if didn't work the first time it DEFINITELY wont work the second, third or forth time.
Good luck girl and try and stay strong.
And finally, my thoughts are if didn't work the first time it DEFINITELY wont work the second, third or forth time.
Good luck girl and try and stay strong.
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Originally Posted by NeedHelp81
I do have the power to NOT let him treat me like sh*t but that same power CAN allow me to listen to what someone has to say....
Him telling YOU thanks for YOU not changing while changing him doesn't sound healthy conversation to me...just my opinion. Take what you want and leave the rest. You deserve better is all everyone is telling you. You seem like a caring and loving person, give it to someone DESERVING
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Originally Posted by NeedHelp81
Ugh. I know I should! I really just cant' do it right now! I mean I know I can but blah.
If he is doing so well why would he reject me if he just thanked for me for making him sooooo much better?!
I'm happier knowing that he KNOWS he's suffering because of what he did - not that he is happy with the changes Ive helped him through but now he's too good for me?!
I wish I could get myself to no contact. It hurts me to not know though....
If he is doing so well why would he reject me if he just thanked for me for making him sooooo much better?!
I'm happier knowing that he KNOWS he's suffering because of what he did - not that he is happy with the changes Ive helped him through but now he's too good for me?!
I wish I could get myself to no contact. It hurts me to not know though....
I'd have to say this is quacking......his not yours!
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Needhelp I totally see where your coming from. I could have written that when I was your age. Funny how miserable we are when we are with the addict or even a normie bF but as soon as they are outta our lives we forget the misery and only think about the good things they did or even see potential. These people here are not trying to criticize you or put u down they are trying to save you from what they have been through. My ex addict bf hit me, controled me, humiliated me, smoked crack, drank, belittled me you name it he did it. He was a real monster sometimes. Then when we broke up I forgot about all the crap he did to me. Then somehow my mind made him into this wonderful person who would complete me and we would live happily ever after. I think its good that you broke up with him, your young still and have alot of life left to be miserable in a relationship for 1 day is 1 day too many.
Please dont think I am putting you down I really do understand and no matter what I say your gonna do what your gonna do. If you think he will change and be prince charming and you can fix him who am I to take away your happiness. Heartbreaks suck and hurt and are very hard to get over. I'm sure you have had your broken before by a normie (non addict) and u survived it. Maybe with this guy you think if you change he will change for the better. Good luck on that. Just trying to save u from the hell I went through but maybe he is different maybe he will change only time can tell. I would wait before jumping back in the relationship to see if his actions back up his words. Take it slow and dont take any BS and stand up for youself. If you keep getting put down eventually you start believe what he is saying and want to change who YOU are.
I hope things go the way you want them to and I hope you find the happiness your looking for either with him or without him.
Please dont think I am putting you down I really do understand and no matter what I say your gonna do what your gonna do. If you think he will change and be prince charming and you can fix him who am I to take away your happiness. Heartbreaks suck and hurt and are very hard to get over. I'm sure you have had your broken before by a normie (non addict) and u survived it. Maybe with this guy you think if you change he will change for the better. Good luck on that. Just trying to save u from the hell I went through but maybe he is different maybe he will change only time can tell. I would wait before jumping back in the relationship to see if his actions back up his words. Take it slow and dont take any BS and stand up for youself. If you keep getting put down eventually you start believe what he is saying and want to change who YOU are.
I hope things go the way you want them to and I hope you find the happiness your looking for either with him or without him.
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sometimes our wanting to have someone around, lets us settle for Way less than a healthy relationship. I hope it works out for you. For me, I'm taking the other road & seeing how life can be just as it is. If someone terrific happens to drop out of the sky, (if the needle in the haystack man shows up) good, if not, my life is terrific just how it is. Life is good. I celebrate for all kinds of things 
Today's fortune cookie ~ It doesn't matter. Who is without a flaw?
Today's fortune cookie ~ It doesn't matter. Who is without a flaw?
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Originally Posted by kj0975
Needhelp I totally see where your coming from. I could have written that when I was your age. Funny how miserable we are when we are with the addict or even a normie bF but as soon as they are outta our lives we forget the misery and only think about the good things they did or even see potential. These people here are not trying to criticize you or put u down they are trying to save you from what they have been through. My ex addict bf hit me, controled me, humiliated me, smoked crack, drank, belittled me you name it he did it. He was a real monster sometimes. Then when we broke up I forgot about all the crap he did to me. Then somehow my mind made him into this wonderful person who would complete me and we would live happily ever after. I think its good that you broke up with him, your young still and have alot of life left to be miserable in a relationship for 1 day is 1 day too many.
Please dont think I am putting you down I really do understand and no matter what I say your gonna do what your gonna do. If you think he will change and be prince charming and you can fix him who am I to take away your happiness. Heartbreaks suck and hurt and are very hard to get over. I'm sure you have had your broken before by a normie (non addict) and u survived it. Maybe with this guy you think if you change he will change for the better. Good luck on that. Just trying to save u from the hell I went through but maybe he is different maybe he will change only time can tell. I would wait before jumping back in the relationship to see if his actions back up his words. Take it slow and dont take any BS and stand up for youself. If you keep getting put down eventually you start believe what he is saying and want to change who YOU are.
I hope things go the way you want them to and I hope you find the happiness your looking for either with him or without him.
Please dont think I am putting you down I really do understand and no matter what I say your gonna do what your gonna do. If you think he will change and be prince charming and you can fix him who am I to take away your happiness. Heartbreaks suck and hurt and are very hard to get over. I'm sure you have had your broken before by a normie (non addict) and u survived it. Maybe with this guy you think if you change he will change for the better. Good luck on that. Just trying to save u from the hell I went through but maybe he is different maybe he will change only time can tell. I would wait before jumping back in the relationship to see if his actions back up his words. Take it slow and dont take any BS and stand up for youself. If you keep getting put down eventually you start believe what he is saying and want to change who YOU are.
I hope things go the way you want them to and I hope you find the happiness your looking for either with him or without him.
Thank you! I hate how our minds do this! I have no where near forgotten all the bad but I want to believe in the good - that may be in there somewhere. It's just weird! He's totally f-ing with my head man! Haha. I ran into him last night and he was telling me a bunch of BS about how he wants take things slow because we're bad together but we cant ever hang out because his brother and mom told him NO. UMMM.....you're 27 years old?! Hello???? Hahaha. So I threw my hands in the air and left. Then I get a text 3 hours later that tells me he wants to take me out and pretend like it's the first time we met and he's going to buy me flowers (which has only happened twice?) and he loves me.
:wtf2
People - please don't get me wrong on this - I KNOW I SOUND LIKE A NUTCASE! I know he's dragging me around - I however DON'T know why I am going along for the ride, but I am. I know me, and I always tolerate stuff way past it's expiration and then finally when Im done - Im DONE. It's weird and probably dumb. But it's me.
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It doesn't have to remain "you." You can change the way you think, act and choose to be used by others. Its your choice of course but personally, I can't stand people who think they can play head games with me. I view them as toxic and don't allow them space in my life.
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He just told me about an hour ago that he is upset with himself because he isn't sure that it will ever happen because of all the damage he has caused. He isn't sure he can repair everything that he has done.....
This is not healthy- IMHO. This is a prime example of an addict trying to get some sympathy for something he's said or done- in the hopes that you will feel sorry for him and pull him out of the hole he's dug himself into. <manipulation> From what I have read in your posts, he sounds extremely unstable. There is absolutely zero chance of having a stable, loving relationship with a person like this.
People - please don't get me wrong on this - I KNOW I SOUND LIKE A NUTCASE! I know he's dragging me around - I however DON'T know why I am going along for the ride, but I am. I know me, and I always tolerate stuff way past it's expiration and then finally when Im done - Im DONE. It's weird and probably dumb. But it's me.
You do not sound like a nutcase- one thing I have learned in the past year is not to put myself down- to be gentle with myself. But I also learned that if I wanted to stop feeling so badly I had to do some hard work. I had to figure out WHY I kept repeating the same old behaviors that were making me feel bad. WHY did I accept the unacceptable. WHY did I go along for the ride-with an alcoholic at the wheel (!!!) for 10 loooong years? You are 21. I hope when you are 45 you aren't asking yourself the same questions.
This is not healthy- IMHO. This is a prime example of an addict trying to get some sympathy for something he's said or done- in the hopes that you will feel sorry for him and pull him out of the hole he's dug himself into. <manipulation> From what I have read in your posts, he sounds extremely unstable. There is absolutely zero chance of having a stable, loving relationship with a person like this.
People - please don't get me wrong on this - I KNOW I SOUND LIKE A NUTCASE! I know he's dragging me around - I however DON'T know why I am going along for the ride, but I am. I know me, and I always tolerate stuff way past it's expiration and then finally when Im done - Im DONE. It's weird and probably dumb. But it's me.
You do not sound like a nutcase- one thing I have learned in the past year is not to put myself down- to be gentle with myself. But I also learned that if I wanted to stop feeling so badly I had to do some hard work. I had to figure out WHY I kept repeating the same old behaviors that were making me feel bad. WHY did I accept the unacceptable. WHY did I go along for the ride-with an alcoholic at the wheel (!!!) for 10 loooong years? You are 21. I hope when you are 45 you aren't asking yourself the same questions.
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Originally Posted by NeedHelp81
I however DON'T know why I am going along for the ride, but I am.
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Hello,
I think it's time to get this thread back on track. What we try to do here at SR is to share our own experience, strength and hope in dealing with our alcoholic and addicted loves ones. What we DON'T do here is to take each other's personal inventory, flame or bash someone else, call names, etc.
Please keep your sharing in line with the guidelines. Some things are better said in a private message if necessary and other things are best left UNsaid.
Feel free to PM me or email me with questions.
Cats
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I think it's time to get this thread back on track. What we try to do here at SR is to share our own experience, strength and hope in dealing with our alcoholic and addicted loves ones. What we DON'T do here is to take each other's personal inventory, flame or bash someone else, call names, etc.
Please keep your sharing in line with the guidelines. Some things are better said in a private message if necessary and other things are best left UNsaid.
Feel free to PM me or email me with questions.
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Did I just get in trouble by the mod?
I don't know where it'll go but please believe me that I do have MYSELF in mind and I will not take anymore disrespect from him. I will ignore his guilt, and blame game he plays.
Anvilhead - yep. It was at a bar. And I don't know if he was drunk or not - I would guess not only because when he's drunk is when he's mean - when he's nice that's when he is sober. I did what you guys told me to and I carried a conversation with him when it was nice words and purely communication. I told him I do not want to play the blame game, or who did what game. As soon as it turned to that I said "I am ending this conversation now because it isn't doing any good." I threw my hands in the air, and I left immediately.
Apparently dealing with an A is somewhat like a puppy dog. When you don't give ANY attention whether it be positive or negative - they stop the behavior. Hahaha. I stayed in CONTROL of MY reaction, and in turn it made him realize that he won't get anywhere with me with that kind of talking.....
Maybe I'm just thinking that - but honestly, even though that's the lamest thing he could say (Ill take to a movie and buy you flowers) it is probably the first time ever that HE has come out of his shell and made a plan to do something with me. That is a big step for him.
He then said in a following message that he may want to try it but take it very very very slow, because he is scared we are toxic. Which we very well could be....there are things we both need to work on and I am not going to beat myself over the head for 3,000 more years if we aren't getting anywhere. I feel like I am learning how to control my actions and when I do that I feel better.
I feel better because I feel in charge of ME.
I don't know where it'll go but please believe me that I do have MYSELF in mind and I will not take anymore disrespect from him. I will ignore his guilt, and blame game he plays.
Anvilhead - yep. It was at a bar. And I don't know if he was drunk or not - I would guess not only because when he's drunk is when he's mean - when he's nice that's when he is sober. I did what you guys told me to and I carried a conversation with him when it was nice words and purely communication. I told him I do not want to play the blame game, or who did what game. As soon as it turned to that I said "I am ending this conversation now because it isn't doing any good." I threw my hands in the air, and I left immediately.
Apparently dealing with an A is somewhat like a puppy dog. When you don't give ANY attention whether it be positive or negative - they stop the behavior. Hahaha. I stayed in CONTROL of MY reaction, and in turn it made him realize that he won't get anywhere with me with that kind of talking.....
Maybe I'm just thinking that - but honestly, even though that's the lamest thing he could say (Ill take to a movie and buy you flowers) it is probably the first time ever that HE has come out of his shell and made a plan to do something with me. That is a big step for him.
He then said in a following message that he may want to try it but take it very very very slow, because he is scared we are toxic. Which we very well could be....there are things we both need to work on and I am not going to beat myself over the head for 3,000 more years if we aren't getting anywhere. I feel like I am learning how to control my actions and when I do that I feel better.
I feel better because I feel in charge of ME.
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