Snickers008

You are so normal in how you are feeling. I am sure you will look back on this time and wonder how this could have affected you so.

I remember one time a long time ago when my ex-husband was in his Xth rehab after I threw him out at least 6 times and I believe we were actually already divorced by then. His counselor asked him if his marriage would ever get back together and he told the counselor "I MAY consider that IF she loses a little weight"...HAHAHAHA oh that was a good one.

By the way I am not FAT- well....kinda fat.....I would say more plump!

GiveLove

"sorry I couldn't change you" ???.......does he mean when he beat you up? Was the back of his hand supposed to help you? Or the yelling about your STDs in a bar? Or the telling you that he wished you'd bleed to death right in front of him?

If a crazy man came up to you on the street and started insulting you, would you take it seriously? You're dealing with someone who's not stable. Why take it personally?

But then again, this is the man you want to get back together with, so what do I know. Maybe you like those traits in a man. Not for me to say.

NeedHelp81

Ok. I'm not getting defensive - I will say please don't insult me through sarcasm.

Maybe I do have issues in thinking that these things are okay or that they can be fixed.....Maybe I am wrong in believing that.

But why take it personally? I don't know what you've been through but when I have been with a man for about 2 years whom TREATED ME PERFECTLY in the beginning becomes a bigger addict than before - chooses to insult me after all of the love that WE HAVE FOR EACHOTHER - yeah, Im going to take it a little personal. So he may not be stable, Im not stable either - Im a codie. We both have issues, but I'm sure that taking it personally when someone you love insults you is probably a common thing.



And yes I would like to get back together with him. No I am not going to move him into my home, no I am not going to take abuse if it starts, however I will take things VERY slowly.... This isn't even being talked about every much right now. He just told me about an hour ago that he is upset with himself because he isn't sure that it will ever happen because of all the damage he has caused. He isn't sure he can repair everything that he has done.....

He is finally communicating - I don't believe that this will last - but I do hope it will. I am not going to let him take over me again, but I will listen when he is finally expressing himself in a healthy manner.

NeedHelp81

I just did go through and read them back.

I know it's crazy. HELLO - I am living it - I SEE it. It's COMPLETELY chaotic!
I have said the whole time I want to be with him - I asked about the dating thing because thats the only way to keep my mind off of him, but that guys weird so....haha.

I do WANT to get back together with him - but it doesn't mean that I WILL! In the state that we are BOTH in, neither of us are ready to jump into some full-fledge lovefest - or drunkfest - whichever it may be.

It's hard to put on the internet, because obviously I am not typing my WHOLE life story...but I want stuff worked out and then to get back together. That's the simplest terms I can put it in.

hbb

I found what helped me was write a list of pro's and con's of my relationship and him as a person. Seeing it on paper shed a whole new light on the relationship i THOUGHT i had. Give it a try, it may make things more clear.

NeedHelp81

You didn't happen to put in the one that said he DIDNT sleep with someone else BTW.

You also didn't add the things I said today.

When you put stuff together in that order of course it makes me look nuts - well i AM nuts, but thats even worse.

Whatever. All I said was he is begininng to communicate in a healthy manner and I WILL respond to that. Not to anything from the above. That I will not tolerate.

And yes there is a chance that HE wants that I put in a previous post. He's the one who said he just doesn't know if he can repair the damage he has caused.

cagefree

I've found that people who can accept and love themselves don't take others' inventories.

In the end, I'm glad that I didn't choose to be the person my ex wanted me to be...a doormat. Sounds like your ex is feeling like he failed at this as well...Good.

LucyA

He wouldn't stand a chance on either count for me, but thats just me, I'm worth more than that, aren't you? Don't you think you deserve more? I think if you don't you should. But that's just my opinion of course, and I had to work on me to get that attitude, no one else, just me.

NeedHelp81

Um excuse me?! You missed that how? It's on this post were talking on?!

I didn't say that you made it up, I said you didn't add parts in that would atleast make what I said next sound like Im not some sort of of freaking Pzchiphrenic or however the hell the spell that.

NeedHelp81

You know? People do things in their own way. I don't see why me TALKING to him is making you all sh*t your pants! Seriously. I didn't say I was gonna sleep with him, or even SEE him - I said talk to him in a healthy manner!!!!!! Hello? Like a civilized conversation to see what page we're both on - or different pages or whatever! I don't see why everything has to be like - "Look Tyler, I'm working on myself now so please don't let me know that you may have had some sort of overnight epiphany and have something important to say - I have to talk to me now - not you - JUST ME!" Alot of this crap almost sounds selfish sometimes - atleast the way SOME of you put it.

LucyA

I'd rather be a little selfish than a lot screwed up over things I have no control over.

NeedHelp81

Would you like me to enter every freaking word exchanged by him and I? Is that what you need for a clearer picture? I don't really have time to do that - Im sorry.

Im not an idiot and I know what the hell I mean by HEALTHY! What you just typed above isn't my definition of HEALTHY either!

Perhaps I didnt use the perfect word for you - how about civilized means of expressing his feelings.

Is that better? Does that fit your standard or no?

TTOSBT

I'm sorry. I know that I am just jumping in here but after reading this I am wondering a couple things.

Did you say that you were 21 years old and not married to this guy?
Are you an addict/alcoholic as well or just in love with one?
Is this guy sober? If so, how long? if so, is he is in recovery?
Have you gone to Alanon at all?

NeedHelp81

You know what? I get what you guys are getting at - but this 12 step thing with a HP and stuff ........ I don't buy it.

I don't see how you really think you have ZERO control over anything? I do have the power to NOT let him treat me like sh*t but that same power CAN allow me to listen to what someone has to say....

NeedHelp81

21-not married
No clue what I am. In love with one.
Not sober that I know of - I have had no contact with him for a few days.
No Alanon. Reminds of AA (duh) and I don't agree with spiritual awakening

TTOSBT

Were you responding to my questions?
Please don't read anything into my questions. They were simply a request for clarification.

Plus I believe VERY much in the 12 step thing with a HP and stuff and I have never believed that I have ZERO control over anything./ If that is what you think it is, you have been misinformed and are mistaken.

And truly, do you not see that people would not be here responding to you if we didn't care? You would be sitting here with no responses. Seriously I think your anger is being misdirected. You are a grown woman and have every right to be with who you want. But you came here and people are trying to help you see other sides, is all.

LaTeeDa

It's not that you have ZERO control over anything, it that you only have control over you. Your life, your choices, your reactions, your emotions, your body, mind , and soul. The thing you have ZERO control over is him. His life, his choices, his reactions, his emotions, his addiction, his thoughts, words, and attitude.

So, you don't believe in spiritual awakening? *In my best Dr. Phil voice*

How's that workin for ya?

L

TTOSBT

Fair enough. It is my answer but I can completely respect that it is not yours.
I just believe that you are never going to have a "healthy" relationship with him until he gets some sort of recovery (that does not have to be AA, but he has to change his thinking). There are many programs out there that do not base it on spirituality. Maybe that would help?

LucyA

I dont do this 12 step thing with a HP stuff, as you call it, but I know it works for some people.
I also don't think I have zero control over everything.
I have control over lots of things. I don't however have control over any other persons thoughts or actions. For any of us to have that we'd have to give up control of ourselves to someone else.
As you say, you have the power to not let him treat you like sh*t, use it for your own good.
And yes, you have the power to be able to listen to what someone has to say, you also have the power to decide if it's bull, harmfull to you, outright lies, purely disrespectful, or the truth.

windingroad

being in addictive relationship causes a cyclone in our heads. that you are confused and upset and unable to know what to do for yourself or for him is always what goes on in relationship with an addict. it happens to everyone and it is part of the disease, how it infects the addict and those closest to him.

you're young and confused and looking for help ("needshelp"). if you are unwilling to see a counselor, or to go to al-anon, then maybe, on your own, you could just read some books about addiction. you don't have to have perfect answers right now, you just have to be willing to learn. that is the beginning.

no need to believe in God. or AA. (i believe in both but you have your path). and sometimes when we don't believe in anything or know enough, life just steps in and teaches us. so he may come back and you two may give it another go and lesson after lesson will occur. they will be yours alone and you alone will decide what decisions to make for you.

just read up on addictive disease, ok? it's what he has, it changes personality and behavior, and it decimates the addict and his loved ones. at least know what is operating. i worry you may be physically hurt.

i hope everything will work out for you. in my belief system, God is guiding everyone, so i believe God will guide you. do the best you can.