Toomutch

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It was recomended that I start this thread in this forum as well as newcomers where I already posted it.

It seems silly for me to be posting here, because the issue is with my husband, however I am the alcoholic.

I will try and keep it short.

Yesterday afternoon when my son came home from school, my husband freaked out on my sons hedgehog tank being dirty and told my son to come to me to borrow my lap top and try and find a place for hedgie to go.
Then my husband came to me with the hedgehog wheel (that hedgie runs on), and it was covered with sh*t. What he did next is what makes me so mad. He shook it all over me. It was disgusting. He was screaming and yelling at me and my son, being very irrational, speaking in riddles. Stark raving mad.

That is just one of the hundreds of episodes that have happened. The whole family is supposed to respect him, but he gives no respect to the rest of us. He constantly tells me that he's the man of the house and that he has the final say on everything. Even though when I met him, all he had is the clothes on his back, a bed and a dresser. I put the money down on our home, I had all the furniture, everything brought in was mine. But now he calls this his house, not our house but his house.

I am seriously waiting for the day that he gets physical with me again. I have never called the cops, but I will. I am sick and tired of me and my 2 of our 5 kids being bullied. I have cried so hard this time that my eyes are swollen shut practically.

I just can't stand it anymore!

penneypoo

Yes, he is a bully. And to do that in front of your son is unforgivable. What if the tables were turned, and you did that to HIM, I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty. I hate the "man of the house" or "I wear the pants" BS, how soon he's forgotten where he came from. Sorry you are going through this, I know how you feel.

I've had coffee poured over my head, and food thrown into my face....it's very humiliating. Most times my children are there, and it's hard to keep from crying, but sometimes you can't hold it in. And who is the one to clean it up--- not them.

The best thing to do is leave for a while, seems like the cops can't do unless he physically hurts you or is drunk in public, which I guess wouldn't apply. You deserve to be treated better, and I hope you can find some comfort this evening.

Barbara52

I am sorry you are going thru this. My immediate question is why wait for him to get physical again? Why not act now to protect yourself and your children from this man?

Toomutch

Thats a good question Barbara, and it is hard for me to answer. He hasn't been physical since I have quit drinking, 6 months. The verbal abuse is the worst part of this scenerio and is all about him wanting to be in control. All of our teens seem to shrug it off. They even want to protect him; like today for instance my son asked me what was wrong because I have been crying off and on all day and my eyes are swollen. I told hime it was because of what went on yesterday. My son said come on mom, get over it, everyone else has. I'm just so confused.

LaTeeDa

What's really sad about that is he is learning from you that this is how husbands treat their wives. That this is normal marital behavior. This is how he will treat his future wife. Sad.

L

Reality

Nothing changes til someone changes...could be your changing in a positive way by getting sober, and that is something he cannot control and probably fears.

Crazy people dont like it when other crazy people get well.

They get crazier. Any chance he'd try al-anon, marriage therapy or individual counseling?

I fear for your families emotional well being. It is child abuse, as well as spousal abuse.

Barbara52

First congrats on reaching 6 months sober.

Second, verbal abuse in some ways is more destructive that physical abuse. Its way easy for us to say "oh its only words" or "he didn't mean to say something mean" or whatever. Words hurt! And they can destroy one's soul as totally as physical abuse.

I also agree that you are reaching your children that abuse is an acceptable way to treat people, wives specifically. Do you want your sons to grow up to treat they wives in this manner? THat is what they are being taught.

CatsPajamas

I am a survivor of a marriage that had verbal, psychological and emotional abuse. I have NO idea why I tolerated what I did for so long. I always had a very firm boundary that said if he hits me once, I'm GONE. But I didnt have the same boundary for any of the other kinds of abuse.... and he knew it.

Going to Al Anon meetings taught (or reminded) me that I had value as a human being. I learned that I didnt' have to accept unacceptable behavior. I grew stronger and healthier little by little, day by day.

Counseling helped too. I went to abused womens' counseling for a handful of sessions, but after hearing me share, the counselor there thought I was getting most of what I needed at the Al Anon meetings. What I learned from the counseling is the incredible long term damage caused by those kinds of abuse.

There is help available when you are ready to make changes in your life. It's big and hairy and scary, but I am proof that it can be done.

Hugs
Cats