Courage to Change ~ August 19 ~ Trust
 

Courage to Change ODAT in Al-Anon II 8/19

There was a piece of reality that I never wanted to see: I loved someone who couldn’t be trusted. Again and again I suffered the disappointment of broken promises, contradictions, and outright lies. Each time, I felt crushed, betrayed, outraged. Nevertheless, hours or sometimes days later, I put the incident out of my mind. When the next promise was made, I trusted without hesitation and with my whole heart.

I continue to find it hard to accept that I can’t trust the promises of someone I love. Yet I see that most of my heartache has come from my own refusal to accept reality. Al-Anon helps me to trust my experiences more than the inconsistent words of others.

I’m learning not to depend on someone who has been consistently untrustworthy, but at the same time realizing that that is no excuse to give up on the whole human race. Facing reality means accepting that many of my experiences in Al-Anon demonstrate that there are people upon whom I can rely.

Today’s Reminder

Today I make a commitment to be honest with myself. By facing reality, I become someone I can depend upon.

“Awareness is so much better for me than closing out all feelings, shutting out people, withdrawing from living. No matter how hard the truth is or what the facts are, I prefer to know, look at, and accept this day.”

As We Understood

It took me a long time to realize that I often put my trust in people who were untrustworthy... and it was no wonder that I was constantly feeling betrayed or dishonored when those people acted in an untrustworthy manner.

Acceptance was key. They weren't doing it TO me, they were just doing it. I was the one with the unrealistic expectation.

I was one of those people who believed there was good in everyone, and I trusted every person in my life. I learned some people don't deserve my trust but some people do. I didn't want to be so mistrusting of everyone that I was isolated, alone and angry.

I learned about trust in the rooms of Al Anon. It took awhile, and it came about in baby steps, like so much of my recovery. Now I am a bit cautious with what I share with a new person in my life until I get to know that person better. I pay attention to how their words and their actions line up.

I have made a promise to myself to NOT trust people who are untrustworthy.

Cats,
when I read this reading this morning - I thought I can't wait for Cats to post this one!! It is soooo very good.

I have it highlighted in several different colors because it has spoken to me at several different times.

I have learned thru Al-Anon and my personal journey in recovery that TRUST is not the enemy. Basing my decisions on a person's words rather than their actions usually turns out to be a negative thing for me.

My answer to many people in my life (not just the alcoholics/addicts) is that "It has worked out best for me to base my decisions on a person's actions not their words. Once I see actions, then I can make a healthy decision."

It doesn't tell the other person that they "have to do things" it just lets them know how I make my decisions. Their actions are completely left to their decisions.

Thanks again for this great reading!!

HUGS,
Rita

This is SUCH a good message! How I wish I had known that this attitude was right and acceptable. Back when my AH was drinking, he'd make LOTS of promises and tell me how great things were going to be. Then he'd break those promises. I finally said to him one day after a promise I really wanted him to fulfill, "Talk's cheap". He got pretty angry with me and accused me of trying to hurt him. He basically told me that I'm "willing" the promise not to be made by not being encouraging! So now if he didn't keep his word, it was MY fault!

I'm so thankful I have Al-Anon and these books now, to remind me that I AM doing alright, and to guide me where I need to change and grow. I'm going to continue living by the philosophy that "Talk's cheap" and wait to see what people actually do, not just what they say.

On a happier note, my AH (who hasn't had a drop in over a month) is being more careful about making promises. He will say, "I really want to do the dishes for you today, but I cannot promise they will get done because I also am responsible to do A, B, and C". It's a step in the right direction :)

So have I Cat now I just have to keep applying 100% of the time instead of only 90% of the time as the 10% can be very heart wrenching-

I'm still working on this...and getting better every day :)

Thanks for posting this!