juju

I really don’t know how much longer I can deal with this. It really hit him yesterday when I told him that I can’t reassure him that everything’s going to be ok. Ever since, he’s had to bring up and twist around everything to put blame/guilt on me. He’s been miserable for years, he’s always drank, he drinks because he’s miserable, I don’t appreciate him, he’s not a priority to me, I don’t keep the house clean, he sought out his old female drinking buddy because he’d rather hang out with her than me, oh, he’s going for the jugular. He goes from talking about selling the house and custody arrangements to what do we need to do to make this work.

I have pretty much completely shut my emotions off. Don’t know if that’s the right thing to do, but I feel that if I react to all his “accusations”, it will only serve his purpose of diverting the attention away from his drinking and his responsibility. I take responsibility for my role and my mistakes, but I’m done with that now. I feel like if I apologize/acknowledge my role over and over again, it only serves his purpose of diverting the attention away from him & his responsibility. And, you know what? I’m just really done. His words have lost their effect on me. I recognize his game, whether he does or not.

So, now, he’s going to quit drinking to make me happy. So I should drop to my knees in thanks.

Am I wrong to not react to this? Part of me thinks I should be a lot more upset than I am. I’m really not upset at all. I’m tired. I’m tired of the same $hit over and over again, with no resolution. I’m to a point of “whatever”. You wanna split? Whatever. You think you’re ok? Whatever. You wanna make this work? Whatever.

Part of me feels like I should be getting a job ASAP and start planning my life as a single mom. I have been throwing my resume out there, but I’m pi$$ed because I love my job, and I love being able to be with the kids when school is out (I work for the schools - no way I could continue it if we split). I’m also pi$$ed that I love him (sober). I wish he’d drink everyday. Because the sober times in-between makes me remember why I married him in the first place. Then the weekend comes....

Is this the beginning of the end? Why don’t I care?

respektingme

I've been in your shoes. Well hell, I'm in your shoes. I think we become numb to their actions when we've exhausted enough energy riding the roller coaster with them. I don't have an answer for you because I'm right where you are. All I know, is that there sure seem to be a lot of people here who have made the step to get out of the insanity and sure seem to be enjoying their peace. My counselor told me I'd know when the time to leave comes. I've noticed I have exponentially less tolerance for his behavior than I used to. It's probably just normal that we get sick of it eventually.

One night of drunken verbal abuse can cancel out a whole month of soberhood (not "sobriety", big difference). Actually, it can cancel out a whole lot more than that.

Here's a good one. Ever had your AH get drunk and call you all sorts of names and then the next day or so want to make up by having sex? That always just made me laugh. One minute I'm a fat pig. The next minute he wants to see me naked. What????? And if I say no, I'm the bad guy for not returning the love he wants to give to me. Well, that's how he may want to see it, but I don't fall for that anymore either. I don't have to explain to him anything, no, period.

Good luck. Hope others can share more light on where to go from here.

blessed4x

Anxiously awaiting the light......I'm right there with y'all.

ToughChoices

Wouldn't it be SO much more convenient if we could see the future!

I've definitely spent some time in the "Wait and see what he does" frame of mind. I couldn't stay there for very long- it made me crazy to give him that kind of power over my life.

For me, the craziness abated substantially when I organized my life for survival without my husband. I did not leave him. We continue to live together, and I am satisfied and peaceful in my marriage.
But I realized that, while I'm willing to hope that my AH continues to recover and succeed in life, I'm not willing to bet my sanity and security on it.

I am in my marriage because I choose to be - not because financial entanglements require it. This has been very empowering, and it has allowed me to better detach with love from my husband's set of problems. It is much easier to accept someone, as they are, if your life is not dependent on their ability to hold everything together.

If you have the opportunity to find a position that would allow you to support yourself in the event that your husband cannot remain sober/faithful/helpful/etc... , consider it carefully.
As inconvenient as it may be in some ways, in others it is a gift - peace of mind, self-sufficiency, personal power.

Take care and keep posting!
-TC

justaboutus

Wow, I think we're married to the same man! We had the same EXACT conversation about 6 weeks ago.

Let me fast forward you a bit on the blame game. He's an A. A don't make good decisions. Thus his decision that you're in the wrong is faulty.

He's going to say anything to try to keep you in your place... the place of his enabler. He may do something (like quit drinking) for a few days or so but mostly it's just lip service. All talk, no action. The flip flopping is to keep you from the real subject, his drinking.

I read something on here or somewhere... their standard response to their A spouse's accusations is "you may be right". I like that one. My other standard response to his 'I'm quitting' decision is: Good, I'm very proud of you. Then I say nothing when he buys more beer, because I don't want the fight, I just want out.

Yes, that was the beginning of the end for me. I feel like some of the brainwashing wore off that day. I moved into the spare bedroom and things have steadily become clearer. You just get so tired, it doesn't seem worth it. I started thinking I'd be happier without him than with him.

JustMeInWI

I didn't get it at first when I found this forum and heard others voice my EXACT feelings and thoughts. But it's starting to really make sense now:

The ONLY person who can take care of ME and make MY NEEDS a priority is ME. I know we all want life to work like Cinderella and be rescued by Prince Charming... I sure did. Life growing up wasn't easy, and I thought when I got married, everything would be all better - that he'd save me and I'd be his only priority. Boy was I wrong. I'm learning to remind myself daily "Talk's cheap". I've started journaling every day. When I don't journal, he'll do something nice and I'll "forget" all about the horrible things he'd done because I was happy. I'd convince myself (and he'd help convince me) that I had been blowing his past actions out of proportion and making mountains out of mole-hills. When I started journaling, I could look back in my journal and see that the mountains really were mountains. That helped me a LOT.

I'm learning to take care of myself. I have a lot more peace of mind, a LOT more HOPE. I am learning that HE is an ADULT and needs to take responsibility for himself. I no longer take on tasks for him that he (as an adult) is perfectly able to do for himself. He might not ever do those things for himself, but THAT IS NOT MY FAULT and I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY about it.

Biggest point I want to say is, "What do YOU need? What do YOU want? What can YOU control?" Remember, don't answer, "I want him to change". These questions need to be directed at you, for you, that YOU can do. "You didn't cause the alcoholism, you can't change the alcoholism, and you can't cure the alcoholism." Instead, focus on how you want peace, happiness, freedom. Make a list of things YOU can do for yourself to accomplish these things. Then pick one thing on the list and put your heart into completing that.

For me, my start to my to-do list is:
1) Find a good counselor - someone I can REALLY talk to, cry to, empty all the gunk I let build up in there from dealing with my AH - and set up some regular appointments.
2) Read "Codependent No More" and "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" (excellent books to help me work through my gunk).
3) Get a notebook/journal and start writing in it everyday. Put in the good, bad, and ugly. Anything and everything that comes to me, I write it down. SUCH an excellent way to vent anywhere, anytime.

I hope this helps. I love all you guys, and I'm learning more everyday to love and believe in and trust in ME - I hope you all do too!

Keep coming back here, read what others are going through, how they're growing and taking care of themselves. And keep posting here and share - even if you just need to vent and work through things. We're all here to support each other!!! (((((everyone)))))

juju

I am just sad to my core. I realize that nothing I do will make him take responsibility. Nothing I do will make him show remorse. True remorse. Everything I say is met with a “but you....” or “I wouldn’t do that if you didn’t do this” type comment.

I just want to climb under the covers and hide, but I can’t. I have to be strong for the kids, and I don’t know if I can. The world doesn’t stop because my life is falling apart. I just want to cry hysterically and scream “THIS ISN‘T FAIR!!!” I can’t even cry right now, I don’t want the kids seeing me. Then how am I going to explain divorce to them? Am I just exchanging one pain for another? For so many years I hated my mother for leaving my father. I'm afraid my kids will hate me.

He wants me to show emotion, but I’m afraid to. I’m afraid it will somehow empower him to continue the torture. I would love to scream and yell and cry at him, but where will that get me? Does that make any sense?

JustMeInWI

(((juju))) Have you considered seeing a counselor? Then you COULD be emotional, cry, yell, and receive the confirming feedback you NEED to make the right choices for you. Don't give up and don't give in. Take care of you and your needs!!!

McKrazy

JuJu, and the rest of you,
I get the weirdest feeling when I read this thread. You know how you think no one can really understand you?....... well, no more. I feel SOOOOOO understood right this moment. It's a bit frightening really, to be so text book and to be living with a man who's been duplicated so many times over. It really strengthens all the arguments for the personality that is there to start with, and the one that's furthered as a product of alcohol!!! Major arrested development!!! I work with middle school boys, and that's what our SO's all sound like, yes?

But what I wanted to say was to encourage you, like Just me suggested, was to look into counseling. That's been the single most empowering thing I've done after the 5 year journey to have the means for independence, if/when I choose to leave. My AH is a few months sober, but now with 3 lapses lately, I'm reading the signs on the wall, and my boundary was to never live with active addiction again, so believe we might be heading that direction.

I often wonder what it would feel like to be with someone who acted like they chose me first. It looks wonderful on the movies. Then I think, if I live single, I WILL be with someone who chose me first!!!! Novel!

ToughChoices

It is so easy for me to fall into the "I act this way because you act that way" way of thinking.

He said, "I drink because you're a b*tch and life sucks."
I said, "I'm a b*tch and life sucks because you drink."

Whose fault was it? Which came first? Who should be remorseful?

The facts were: I was a b*tch. He drank. Our lives sucked.

When I stopped needing him to be sorry for his choices so that I could feel better about mine, my healing began.
All I can do is take care of my half of the equation - his misbehavior does not justify mine.

I'm sorry that you're hurting.
-TC

justaboutus

Juju - I understand. The divorce decision is a tough one. I don't know what your situation is but for me, the good outweighs the bad. I don't believe my AH is going to get sober while I'm living with him. He's starting to get aggressive (physically and sexually). I don't want DD seeing this or becoming the victim of it. If he ever hurt her or me, I could NEVER forgive him. By removing ourselves from the situation, I'm saving him from himself really. The gin is his true love, his mistress, I'm just the person who pays the bills. I don't want DD growing up to think that's what a wife is.

So, I've decided that it's better for DD and I to live with my parents. I've already talked with them. I can work part time and go to school. In two years, DD will be in kindergarten and I can get a job that will support both of us long term. It's not going to be a job I particularly like, but it's something I'm willing to do to make our lives more comfortable. I'm not talking about a BMW in the driveway comfortable... just there's money in a savings account for a broken arm. We can find a modest place to live and just be together. She's not going to be the kid that gets a new bike every year, but she'll have a warm safe place to live.

I'm pretty sure the worst part is going to be AH having supervised visitation. That's going to really hurt me. I'm just going to try to stay very busy during that time. As far as telling DD about divorce, my counselor has said to just tell DD(2) about the things that matter to her: when she's going to see us and that we love her.

These are the only things I have control over... it's not perfect, but it's the best I can do. DD is giving me the strength and desire to do this. It's all about her. I hope this is helpful to someone...

Pajarito

(((juju)))
Blaming is something I heard over an dover with my stbxah. I learned that I can only take my half of the responsibility for what is happening in our marriage. I learned that with the help of a very good counselor whom I can vent with. It's been an amazing source of strength for me. My stbxah will take responsibility for NOTHING- so I was taking it all on. I feel such a weight has lifted when I can look at the reality.

About divorce- I stayed in an unacceptable situation for years, because I was afraid of divorce. I worried about our dd, I worried about my religious background- Catholicism, I worried about the stigma. . . well, no longer. I tried- for years, and one person in a marriage just cannot make it work. You're comparing your childhood situation to what you think will be imposed on your children. IF you do decide to take that path, I have to say that your children will be ok if you are ok- I don't know how many times I've heard that. I have to believe it is true. I do not badmouth my stbxah, I am happy that she is happy she gets to spend time with him, I ask her how her time with him was, I let her talk if she's unhappy. Basically, my goal is to be strong and create as good a life for her as I can. One healthy parent alone is better than 2 dysfunctional, crazy-making parents- IMHO.

As far as showing emotion- my counselor asked me once what my Achilles heel was in our marriage. I was puzzled, but we talked about it and figured out it was my guardedness. I was slowly shutting down over the past few years with him. Nothing was working the way I'd wanted it to. When I think about how I was living- how unhappy I was, I feel very sad that I continued trying. How much of my life was I going to sacrifice for a man who did not give a crap about my needs or feelings? Without even realizing it, I was reacting-self preservation, and now here I am. I'm sad, but my sadness is for the loss of that dream. He made his choices and I have to move on- I have to live MY life.

I hope you take to heart what we are saying- counseling is a great start. It can help you clear up some of your confusion, concerns, and it's a great place to vent- and get out all the emotions you may be afraid to let out. Take care.

McKrazy

wow! that could be something I wrote and something that is becoming clearer and clearer through my own counseling, AS WELL AS the tools I need to change that reality. We are all kindred spirits!:ghug2

juju

Thank you so much everybody. Your posts really help keep me strong and put things in perspective. There is so much wisdom here on this board.

I slipped a bit last night, heck, the last couple days, and fell into the smart-alec, snitty routine a bit. I was angry. I did apologize for being angry and for my behavior. I’ve also stood my ground that I do not deserve to be treated with the anger he has when he's drinking, blamed for everything, disrespected, or having to accept this merry-go-round that he chooses to live.

He asked me what I want, and I said peace. We’ll see where it goes from here. Right now, if I had a job that I could support myself with, I’d be gone. I really, honestly believe that. So, I guess that’s my next step. But, realistically, that might take a while in this economy, so I’ll keep going to my meetings, keep coming here, keep standing up for myself and my rights as a human being.

He still wants me to reassure him that he won’t lose his family over his drinking. I calmly tell him I can’t.

juju

dolphingal1971

I can so relate to your feelings. I feel numb...dead inside even when I see his face. I just thank my HP that we are not married and do not have children together. its like i have no feeling anymore...like I'm the rabbit in alice in wonderland and if I could just STAY down in that rabbit hole and not face the world, the A world.