Can't concentrate, can't motivate
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Can't concentrate, can't motivate
I'm trying to detach from my BF. We're giving each other space. I'm making plans without him. I've let go of the expectation that he will spend weekends with me.
Luckily, we never moved in with each other, so doing this "healing separation" thing isn't so drastic. The problem is that I can't concentrate on my writing. I write for a weekly magazine, and I dread each deadline. I procrastinate until the last moment, which is costing me lack of sleep and stress. It's making me question whether I want to keep this job. I don't really need it for the money. But one day my kids will grow up and I will want to fall back on something.
What's preoccupying me? I keep wondering why he doesn't want to spend quality time with my family, friends, and with me. I keep wondering why he has never been interested in treating me like a lady… like taking me out to dinner for instance. I told him I couldn’t just wait around each weekend, hoping that he might feel like being with me. I said I would make plans without him and not count on him to join me. Now, I'm afraid of making the plans, for fear that this will grow us further apart.
I feel needy and yearn for him. Then, I start imagining that he has taken on a new lover. Then, I start to panic and obsess, which adds to my feelings of distraction. I vacillate between feeling strong and feeling so sad. I am scared the relationship will end, and that I will never feel passion for another man again.
Luckily, we never moved in with each other, so doing this "healing separation" thing isn't so drastic. The problem is that I can't concentrate on my writing. I write for a weekly magazine, and I dread each deadline. I procrastinate until the last moment, which is costing me lack of sleep and stress. It's making me question whether I want to keep this job. I don't really need it for the money. But one day my kids will grow up and I will want to fall back on something.
What's preoccupying me? I keep wondering why he doesn't want to spend quality time with my family, friends, and with me. I keep wondering why he has never been interested in treating me like a lady… like taking me out to dinner for instance. I told him I couldn’t just wait around each weekend, hoping that he might feel like being with me. I said I would make plans without him and not count on him to join me. Now, I'm afraid of making the plans, for fear that this will grow us further apart.
I feel needy and yearn for him. Then, I start imagining that he has taken on a new lover. Then, I start to panic and obsess, which adds to my feelings of distraction. I vacillate between feeling strong and feeling so sad. I am scared the relationship will end, and that I will never feel passion for another man again.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Bend OR
Posts: 197
All I have to say is I know how you feel with the yearning and needing - I'm still going through that as well. I don't know when it gets easier, but I hope soon. The bad thoughts really do turn into obsession and panic and it's a crappy feeling.
My XABF has detached from me now - blames me. I feel a little better (its been 3 weeks) but not good enough....
I wish you luck in your journey......
My XABF has detached from me now - blames me. I feel a little better (its been 3 weeks) but not good enough....
I wish you luck in your journey......
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I tried to post earlier, but guess it's in cyberspace.
I've had 3 relationships in my life...all 3 with A's. I was totally clingy and needy in them all. I didn't even know who I was, except in relation with them. When we are codies, we get as addicted to THEM as the addicts get addicted to their DOC. I'm a recovering addict AND a recovering codie, so I've been on both sides.
It's really hard, going through this, and I remember thinking I would absolutely DIE if I wasn't with them. I didn't die, and, in fact, I'm not even IN a relationship. I'm finding out what I want and being totally obsessed with someone else is not what I want.
It took a long time for me to get to this point. One thing that helped, a little, in the beginning was when I would think of him, I would say "STOP" out loud. At first, I think that's ALL I said, but it made me stop for a minute and try to redirect my thoughts.
I hope you can find a way to focus on yourself more and less on him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I've had 3 relationships in my life...all 3 with A's. I was totally clingy and needy in them all. I didn't even know who I was, except in relation with them. When we are codies, we get as addicted to THEM as the addicts get addicted to their DOC. I'm a recovering addict AND a recovering codie, so I've been on both sides.
It's really hard, going through this, and I remember thinking I would absolutely DIE if I wasn't with them. I didn't die, and, in fact, I'm not even IN a relationship. I'm finding out what I want and being totally obsessed with someone else is not what I want.
It took a long time for me to get to this point. One thing that helped, a little, in the beginning was when I would think of him, I would say "STOP" out loud. At first, I think that's ALL I said, but it made me stop for a minute and try to redirect my thoughts.
I hope you can find a way to focus on yourself more and less on him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
We talked on the phone this afternoon, and I told him that we needed quality time together; away from home, responsibilities, work, and kids. He said that paying for babysitters was too expensive; he said that the amount I pay a babysitter for one evening out was comparable to how much he could earn in one day. He said he didn't think it was worth it. I got angry and told him that if one night out with me wasn't worth one day's work, then the relationship wasn't worth it.
Plus, he's never had to pay for my babysitters, so I asked him why he was making it such an issue. I told him that if he felt so guilty for my having to pay for babysitters, why didn't he offer to take me out for dinner once in while. He said he would think about it.
He said that he loved me, and that I was valuable to him. He agreed we hadn’t spent so much quality time recently because of his work.
I said that both of us had to make an effort to make the relationship work. He agreed. Then, he said he had mentioned getting together tonight. I said I remembered his saying that, but there had been no follow through, no plan, no action. I said that action means more than words.
I told him I needed more planning in our lives… I can’t just keep waiting around for him to find it convenient to be with me.
Plus, he's never had to pay for my babysitters, so I asked him why he was making it such an issue. I told him that if he felt so guilty for my having to pay for babysitters, why didn't he offer to take me out for dinner once in while. He said he would think about it.
He said that he loved me, and that I was valuable to him. He agreed we hadn’t spent so much quality time recently because of his work.
I said that both of us had to make an effort to make the relationship work. He agreed. Then, he said he had mentioned getting together tonight. I said I remembered his saying that, but there had been no follow through, no plan, no action. I said that action means more than words.
I told him I needed more planning in our lives… I can’t just keep waiting around for him to find it convenient to be with me.
Last edited by mamaplus2kids; 08-18-2008 at 11:28 AM. Reason: I added: I said that action means more than words.
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Originally Posted by mamaplus2kids 
I told him I needed more planning in our lives… I can’t just keep waiting around for him to find it convenient to be with me.
L
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