a sensitive issue

Old 07-15-2003, 04:14 PM
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a sensitive issue

hi all,
this is rather a sensitive issue. But I am trying to figure out if my husband and my problem comes from his addiction abuse. I just want to know if this might be a common affect with other couples. We have only been married for about 17 months. About six months into the marriage his sex drive started going down hill to a virtual stop. We have so many problems, but when this one happened...again he blamed me. I am very frustrated by this and just wanted to put it out there. Please disregard if this is inappropriate.
meme
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Old 07-15-2003, 04:25 PM
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Hey meme,

The only time my husband had no sex drive was when we were getting married and several months that followed. He was abusing alcohol at the time (we didn't admit it), but the reason for the lack in desire was anxiety. He began suffering panic attacks soon after we married and apparently the pressure of all the responsibility was what triggered the lack of desire........has has worked that out.

We have had other trouble in that area, but it was my lack of desire because he not desirable due to his behavior.

Have you talked with him? I guess you have if he blames you....is this a lack of desire or ability? Now I am getting really personal....sorry. If it is ability, I would think that definately could be from abusing, but desire......I don't know?

Someone else may have insight to this.......Constant
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Old 07-15-2003, 05:23 PM
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It's probably not you.

If he has a drinking problem I could almost guarantee it's him.
When things were getting pretty craxy around my house (my husband's drinking was starting to get out of control) a friend of his (this friend of his has been in recovery for over 14 years) asked me if my husband's sex drive had decreased. Evidentally, it commonly happens.

I didn't notice if his drive had gone down because, to tell you the truth, I had no interest in sleeping with a smelly, yucky drunk.

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Old 07-15-2003, 05:38 PM
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Hi Meme - we're all big girls here and your question is as valid as any other. We all know that alcohol can have a physiologic effect (i.e. inability to get an erection), but it's important to keep in mind that alcohol is also a depressant. Even when they are not under the influence of alcohol, its effects can still linger and supress the libido. It's real convenient for your husband to blame you. It's obviously taking it's toll on both of you, so maybe he would be open to a suggestion to have a visit with his doctor - male libido problems are very common and his doctor may be able to help.

Good luck!
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Old 07-15-2003, 07:02 PM
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your question is valid

Meme:

My A would drink to the point of passing out (what he liked to refer to as "taking a nap"). All physical activities, including sex, came to a stop. Wanting to be around people came to a stop. They just seem to become so self-absorbed that they can't function.

What bothered me most was the lack of lovingness (which is not necessarily the same as sex) even when he seemed sober and clearheaded. Kind of like showing emotion or being close with me either scared the heck out of him or was some strange thing he forgot how to do.

Then, if I'd speak up about these issues, he'd say that I was the problem......

It sure can eat away at your self-esteem if you're not aware of what's really going on.
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Old 07-17-2003, 01:56 AM
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Meme,
Thanks for sharing. This was a very serious problem in our marriage - no sex. Separate bedrooms for years. When we first met, it was great! Then, things changed and he couldn't do it and blamed me and expected me to be the one to help him try to do it. Well, enough of that nonsense pushed me away and us apart. I still wonder why I didn't get out of the marriage - stayed with it -codependence in full bloom! And, I did love him and still do even though he has been dead 6 years!

Fast forward to 2003: Met another one - this time a DD who has problems for sure! I think he knows that I know he has problems sexually - he's a BIG TALKER - chases women, lines them up, has them calling him for advice, etc. I definitely am NOT his woman! I did tell him I FELT married to him - NO SEX! He didn't know what to say.

Speaking of speaking to him. I'm tired of talking with him. He takes everything I say to the counselor and picks it apart. (We're working with a very good counselor - sort of a referee). I told DD and the counselor that I feel like I'm "under the microscrope" and in the "line-up" (with all his other women). I think DD picks people apart to pick up what he can to cloak himself in self-importance! Because he doesn't have any self-respect or real self-esteem, he steals whatever he can from others and makes himself up. :p
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Old 07-17-2003, 08:50 PM
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Yes, we have the same problem.......


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