tryingtofly

My husband has been sober since Dec 26 (so almost 8 months) and I'm proud of him for it. However the hard part for me is that three days a week he goes to meetings. I understand that and fully support it. The hard part for me is three nights a week he leaves the house around 7pm to chat with his friends at AA before the meeting, has his meeting from 8-9, then goes for coffee till 11pm or so afterwards.

On Monday, he has to drive some stuff to his mom so he invited me to come along for the (2 hr) drive. I said let me see what's going on that day and I'll let you know. 2 hours later he calls me from work and tells me he invited his friend from AA instead (Who he hangs out with outside of AA as well) Knowing that it's my only day off. So there's 4 days out of 7 that we can't do anything.
The other three days are often taken up with him doing "Things for him" ie: Fishing, camping, hanging out with friends.
This leaves me with no time with him, and him no time to do house work. So I work full time (As does he), do all the cooking, cleaning, painting, yard work, grocery shopping etc.
I've asked him if maybe he and I could go for coffee or grocery shopping together one night after his meeting, but he said he enjoys going with the people from AA. So I suggested before a meeting, but he likes talking to them before too.

I'd say it's like living with a roommate, but at least a roommate would do more around the house! I thought once he was sober it would be easier, not harder.

I tried talking to him about this before and nothing changed. He's noticed that somethings up with me, but other than saying "What's wrong with you" He hasn't really cared.
I'd love to do stuff for me and focus on just me, but unfortunately with a house come responsibility! I tried leaving it and doing things for me, but the house got so messy and disorganized it drove me nuts!
I’d rather be alone by myself, then lonely with him. I feel nothing for him right now other than contempt. Must be nice to live his life, do what you want when you want. No responsibilities, no worries, no problems. The little wife at home will make sure things are running smoothly.
I was listening to my music and a line from a Faith Hill song jumped out at me so much I almost started to cry " I was stealing kisses from a boy, now I'm begging affection from a man in my housedress, don't you know who I am, don't you know who I am, standing in your kitchen..." "So you're standing outside your high school door, the ones you walked through twenty years before and you whisper to all the girls, run, run, run"

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Chrysalis123

((((((TTF)))))))))))... I'm so sorry you are going through this suffering. It sounds isolating and terribly lonely. What can you do today for yourself? What can you do that will bring a smile and joy to you? I'm praying for you. :ghug3

Spiritual Seeker

It is said that addicts are selfish...your husband may be sober but sounds like he is still selfish.
8 MONTHS sober and ea. of your roles remain with yours as the hyper-responsible one continues.

Even if an AA friend is going on the drive to mom's house, why can't you go too and make a fun day out of it by getting to know his new AA friend ?

My husband has a very playful athletic side with many activities. He is not good with taking initiative with household chores either. But when I stop nagging or complaining and just give him a list he gets everything on the list done. Then needs another list later.
I've learned to accept this is how to get him to do things and it works.

I am also the responsible one. But I am learning to want some of the playful carefree character that he has.

It does sound like you are very frustrated. Would a counselor be a possibility for the two of you to be able to communicate your needs to one another? So that you can support his recovery while he supports your needs as well?

prodigal

I got to the point that I just stopped cooking or cleaning. I cooked something for myself when I felt like it. If there was enough leftover for him, fine. However, after SIX MONTHS of not cleaning my house, I realized I was living in filth.

My AH is a VERY active A in his addiction. He'd probably live comfortably in a stall full of horse dung and not care. So I finally cleaned the house for ME. Not for him. In fact, he lives on the other side of the house in the master suite. I don't clean it. Period. His area. His dirt.

I started feeling better about doing what I chose to do once I quit feeling put-out and put-upon. I keep my living areas of the house clean for me.

I am only telling you this to share my own ES&H. You have to make your own choices as to what you will do if your RAH does not wish to pitch in and help you out around the house.

I'm sorry to hear that he's working a program, but ignoring you in the process. A friend of mine in Al-Anon is still with her husband, although the first year of his sobriety really stunk for her. He now has four years sober and their marriage has vastly improved. However, for the first year of his sobriety, she honestly did not know if she was going to stick it out.

Live

That just stinks all the way round! Does he have a sponsor? Does he work the steps with a sponsor?
Do you attend al-anon?

First off, if he can afford all those hobbies, then I believe since he cannot help with the housework himself then he can afford a cleaning lady to come in. And cleaning ladies would prefer you are not there and get out of their way so they can get their work done, focused and quickly...you'll probably be at work, but if not....go get your nails done, buy a new book....something YOU like...we all have things like that we find comforting and pampering for ourselves. Buy a bouquet of fresh flowers for yourself!

I don't like cooking much anyway, but I have found that if I am going to be cooking, it is just as easy to prepare about 3 meals at once....then put them in individual servings and pop them in the freezer. Or take yourself out for dinner, I was single for 13 years and really learned to enjoy eating out alone.

Do your own laundry.

I may sound harsh...but I spend 17 years being the domesticated dutiful wife...it ended in quite an ugly manner.
I spent 13 years single. At first it was hard, then I started to really love it. When I had enough money, I took my clothes to the laundry and picked them up done, had a cleaning lady. I did what I wanted when and how and with whom I wanted.
I dated and I figured that any man who was single had to take care of all these responsibilities for themselves and I WOULD NOT be taking them over for them.
At 13 years I met my now husband. He was also just as set in his ways as I was.
Over time we found out that mostly our single choices were much the same and we were very compatible, and good friends. And, ya know what, I am still the same person I was single and I love being accepted for me and I cook if and when I feel like it. He cooks if and when he feels like it. Or we pull something out of the freezer, eat a bowl of cereal or go out. I clean when I want to. Otherwise if he says something needs to be done then I tell him the person who has an issue with it is the one to take care of it. We do not tell each other what to do or what not to do. WE are courteous enough to leave a note if we go somewhere alone or with friends.

Parents NEED to take care of children, they do not need to take care of equally capable partners. If it were required, I'd prefer single.

mizztake33

Thanks for this -

I too have detached from my husband's drinking. He also knows that something is definitely different with me; he thinks I am indifferent. I told him it's not that I am indifferent - just taking care of me and letting things go.

tryingtofly

Thank you I'm actually watching Big Brother and enjoying a (slightly) expensive wine with my doggie. A nice way to relax after work! I also made the decision to go out to a shag while RAH is out of town in September instead of sitting around the house

tryingtofly

You're right, it is selfish behaviour! I wasn't sure if I could call it that because it's part of his recovery, but you're right it is selfish.

Only one of us can go cause he's taking the truck (with no AC so it would be soooo hot!)

I think it's hard cause I used to be the playful, carefree fun-loving one too, but as a result of of RAH's drinking I was forced to become the "mom"/responsible one. I miss laughing and having fun and not stressing out 24/7
I think counselling would be a good idea, the hard part is between my classes and work schedule and his schedule I doubt we'd ever find the time. We did find one counsellor that would work with our schedule however it turned out that he grew up with RAH's mom and was slightly biased :S
Life always seems to get in the way of living!

tryingtofly

After reading this, then your location I started to laugh!!
If our house was big enough I would soooo do that! Unfortunately we have a tiny house so his space = my space!
I can completely understand why AA suggests not having a relationship in the first year or so of sobriety - it's hard enough when you're already in one, never mind starting out in a new one!

tryingtofly

He does have a sponser and is working the steps with him. I don't attend alanon because there's only 6 meetings a week and I work during 5 of them and I've been to the 6th and it wasn't a good fit for me.

Fortunately for us, his hobbies don't really cost anything - he goes fishing with other people (so no cost for gas), my family has a camp so that's free and my mom supplies him with gift cards for coffee so he can go before and after his meetings, so although I wish we could afford a cleaning lady, it's just not possible I even told him that if he was willing to pick up another job, I would quit mine and just go to school and do all the cooking/cleaning

I think it's hard because I grew up with my parents helping each other and always trying to make life easier for each other (so it was!) Whereas he grew up with his (single) mom doing everything for him. Although he did say when he lived with his ex he was the cleaner (Which I believe cause when we first started living together he did more cleaning thad I did.

You're right with your comment about parents. I feel like a mom most of the time!

tryingtofly

It's funny how when they think of just themselves, it's fine, but once we do it - something's wrong. :ghug

Live

Actually, hubs and I are kind, considerate and helpful to each other...I probably gave the wrong impression. But it is still true that I do not do the traditional marriage roles.
Why would I do that? I don't get it. Better to date than burden myself with the responsibilities that are not mine.

There has to be a way to introduce change into this situation!

whynotme

I don't know if this is right or not, but I feel recovery needs to be very selfish. They HAVE to put recovery before everything else. I've allowed it in the past since I would rather live with a sober husband. It can get lonely but if he's going to the meetings because he needs to, I'd let him do it. Since alcoholism has no cure, they have to be in continual treatment for the rest of their lives.

A lot of AA meetings have Al-Anon meetings coincide with them, if that's the case with yours, why don't you got to Al-Anon while he goes to AA after and hang out with him and AA friends after?

As far as cleaning...I do it for myself and though I sometimes become irritated because of it, when you have order in your house, it makes everything else a little easier to handle.

respektingme

I agree recovery can be selfish. However, living with an active A is soooo much worse. That being said, you said you were forced to assume a mothering role because of him. Nobody forces you to do anything. He just picked what was right for him..... as in submerging himself in AA. You just need to pick out what is right for you. Get paper plates and plastic utensils from Costco or Sam's so you'll have less to clean. Pick one day a week to do laundry and don't do it all the other days. Pick the day when he is home so he can help you, even if it's 7am on a Saturday morning. Then be proactive in doing what makes you happy. No, he might not be available to go have coffee with you. But is one of your friends available? How about calling a neighbor to go walking? Do something different in your routine, because as I am learning regularly these days, nothing changes unless you change it.

tryingtofly

You're right that recovery has to be selfish, but IMHO there has to be a line somewhere. Going to meetings whenever necessary = fine; not bringing your coffee cup in the kitchen when you're done with it = not fine;
Although where I live there's at least 6 or 7 AA meetings a day, there's only a total of 6 meetings a week for alanon and they don't work with my work schedule so it's not an option for me until my schedule changes. I've offered to meet him and his AA friends for coffee afterwards, but he said it would be boring for me. I even asked about open meetings (we went to one together before I enjoyed it) but he's never followed up with it.

I wouldn't mind the cleaning as much if it was just cleaning, not picking up after him. Not to mention I hate doing it! Put me in a kitchen and let me cook, I'm happy as a pig in poop, having to clean up afterwards - not so much

tryingtofly

You're right - no one forced me into the mothering role, it was just the only role open for me at the time and I grabbed it.

I think part of the struggle for me is when he was an active A it was once every couple months he would get big-time loaded for a night and it was over with. It's like I saw him more, and got more help from him before AA. I'm not saying AA is a bad thing, it's been a lot better since he's been going (no more "is tonite the night" thinking)
I like the idea of plastic utensils and paper plates, it may not be eco-friendly, but it might just save part of my sanity! Now that I'm caught up on the laundry I'll try to stick to one day a week, or I might go back to going to the laundromat (get it all done in one shot and sit and read while it's going!)

I get what you mean about going out with other people (it's just a matter of finding other people - half our friends don't hang out with us anymore cause RAH doesn't drink and the other half kind of drifted away in years prior) it's just had having an absentee husband. I *want* to do things with him, I want to go out with him, I want to spend time with my husband - if I didn't this would probably be a lot easier.

LaTeeDa

Recovery may be selfish, but marriage doesn't have to be. I learned after my husband got sober that I didn't want to be married to someone who never thought about anyone but himself. I wish him well in his recovery, but I have a life, too. I sacrificed 20 years of my life to his drinking, I wasn't about to sacrifice whatever I have left to his sobriety.

L

tryingtofly

Well, I sat down with RAH yesterday and explained to him that I'm done arguing with him about the house stuff. I picked up some paper plates and plastic utensils and they're his to use. I said I'm done fighting about dishes, so he can just throw those ones out when he's done with them. I explained that if he continues to leave his coffee cups in the living room, I'm going to take all the cups but two and put them away and it'll be up to him if he washes his cup or continues to use a dirty one.
I told him I understand that he is encouraged to be selfish in his recovery. And he said "Yup. they tell us to only think of about ourselves in recovery." I said that was fine, and I support him being selfish in recovery however, if he wanted to be selfish in marriage then he could find somewhere else to live because you can be selfish in marriage. I told him I was in recovery as well and if we were both selfish in recovery and marriage then this wouldn't last.
He said he never really seperated marriage and recovery and that I was right, he couldn't be selfish in both and expect to keep me. He then asked if I was ok with him going for coffee after one meeting a week, unless I was at work and the housework was done.
So it looks like we made some progress (we'll see if it lasts!) but I wouldn't have had the strength to do it without you all, so thank you!!!!:ghug

GiveLove

Trying,

Recovery is hard, and it requires that we be somewhat selfish, but it doesn't absolve us of the responsibility to pull our own weight.

If you're open to this -- here's a suggestion from my own marriage that has worked wonders, and brought us closer together. My husband also came from a home where everything has been done for him, and it's very different from the life I'm willing to tolerate.

We sat down, after many disagreements over how to get things done around the house, and made a list of all of the "chores" that kept our house going. Washing clothes, cooking food, shovelling snow, vacuuming, etc. And we took turns choosing - him, me, him, me - what we wanted to take on, working our way down the list until it was all divvied up. If there's something you two decide doesn't need to be done, or can be done less often, then talk about it. Open it all up.

It is your husband's job to take care of his "list", regardless of his other social choices. It's not YOUR job to find time, or manage time. It's his.

We also set aside one night a week that's just for us. No housework, no homework, no internet, just us, for rebuilding and reconnecting.

I'm someone who would prefer to be single than to be in a marriage where I'm doing all the heavy lifting, literally and figuratively.

But I do think those things might help work through the kinks in your current situation, along with developing a life you love independent of your marriage.

Good luck

justaboutus

I would advise you reading "His Needs, Her Needs" with him. It addresses with some of the marital issues you're complaining about. I'm not sure how it would work with recovery, but it would at least give you some ideas on how to make your marriage better.