Silverberry1331

Hi everyone,

I need some support. The weeks keep dragging until my AH moves out. I have given him until September 5th to get out. He hasn't done one thing to look for a place, and hasn't packed. His ex-wife is now pressing for back child support and has started enforcement proceedings. I actually used to pay a "good faith" payment for him when he stopped working. I stopped this as I came further along in my codie recovery. Everything is falling down around his ears.

I told him originally in the beginning of August, I would help him out financially until December so he could get on his feet. The man doesn't work and is applying for SSI. He has no income, but does absolutely nothing to try to work under the table. Now I am sorry that I offered to help because that is about $1200 that I will be out.

He constantly sulks around the house, and everytime I go home, I pray that he is not there. He usually is...I maintain a distance from him, but I constantly feel like I am being cruel. I know that this is codie behavior, but I feel like I am losing my strength here. I know he has got to go and this relationship can't go on, but I feel so damn guilty about it. I wonder if I am making the wrong decision about how I am going about this. I don't sleep well. I don't eat well and am putting on weight. I have nightmares. I am just exhausted....

I could use comments and support during this time...Thanks

venusinlibra

Wow, you and I are going through the same thing. You have to make him go. Do they have local sober houses in your area? They can either pay weekly or monthly. If someone is broke they will usually let you stay a couple of weeks to get on your feet.

He definitely has to leave your house but maybe you can help him find a soft place to land. There are church organizations, etc. that can help out with temporary shelters.

You're not being cruel, you're not his mom, and you have to take of yourself. You did the best you could and it's time to let go. Allow yourself to be sad and say goodbye to him with love.

I wish you the best, big hug.

Barbara52

If your needs have changed (and it sounds like they have) it is OK to change your mind about what you had agreed to do. He is an adult capable of taking care of himself. Don't ever forget that! You are not responsibile for his choices, his actions or his inaction. It is OK and necessary to put yourself first!

Your physical reactions are your body sending you a message. Perhaps you need to rethink the path you are on? I have often found that when I start feeling the physical effects its because I am not on the path I need to be on and that I am not listening to what God wants me to do.

Try examining why you are feeling guilt. What is it you have done wrong? What responsibilities of his are you taking on as your own? What can you do different? Have you consulted with an attorney about what your options are and what route you can take to get him out of your home?

hadenoughnow

My ex swore up and down that he would never leave. When I filed for divorce I also filed for a order of protection hearing and told him that if I did not see a signed lease in two weeks I would hold the hearing (I had 21 days) and he would get to explain his behaviour to a judge. I made it clear that I was willing to do whatever was necessary to get him out of the house. That motivated him to find a place but he still hung around for a month and made things difficult.

There were many times I doubted myself and he did his best laying on the guilt and manipulation but I was done, I was determined that he was leaving.

WishIWasNormal

Silverberry1331,
You're not going to believe this, but in all probability you are going to have to go through the legal eviction process just as if he was a tenant, even though it is your house. You can call the non-emergency police number to find out.

It's easy to get married but hard to get divorced. It's also easy to let someone move in but hard to get them to move out. Also, if his name is on the title or the morgage loan, you can't force him to leave even if you have been the one making all the payments. Good Luck and keep posting.

Chrysalis123

Do you think he feels guilt for his behavior toward you? Is his behavior cruel or kind? Is his behavior supportive or harmful to you? Is your behavior cruel or kind to you? Is your behavior supportive of yourself or harmful to yourself? What is it you want....really want?

I too struggle with the guilt and everytime it pops up I am starting to look for the connection to my disease of co-dependence and my addiction to the XH. I'm realizing for the first time that I deserve to surround myself with people that enhance my life. My XH doesn't agree with this and has tried every manipulation in the book. Now I repeat to myself, "He is not doing this to me, he is just doing it"

You are doing the right thing by taking care of you, healing yourself, and doing all that it implies. I know you can do this!

Silverberry1331

Thanks for the support..

Venus, I have tried to help him find a place to live. I have offered and told him that I would help him on Roommates.com. I stressed to him several times that he should not wait until the last minute. I do not believe he has any interest in getting sober at this point. I have mentioned to him that there is a whole community of recovery out there who will help him get on his feet if he really means it.

B52, I understand what you mean about putting myself first. I need to do that more. However, I can be a pretty extreme person, and I don't want to go from over giving to complete selfishness. If I promised someone something, in this case helping him out, am I not obligated to keep my word? Especially when it regards him having no other source of income. What you say makes sense, but I am confused about where being good to myself crosses the line. I need some guidance on that.

Also, regarding the physical manifestations, perhaps I need to listen to the higher power, but I feel that God has been silent on the issue lately. I know that this is direction I need to go in, but am not sure what it is exactly I am doing wrong.

Wish--I think (almost certainly) that he is not going to refuse to leave, but merely draw it out to the last minute. He is pretty passive, and he doesn't want a confrontation with my father...it is his place that we are renting. I hope I don't have to go there...

lizw

I hate to say it BUT if you give him money or loan him money he doesn't have to do anything like get a job because you are 'taking care of him'. He is not some special needs child, he's a grown man with a serious drinking problem that he's never had to address.

When the last relationship I had with an alcoholic ended, we were living together but both of us were working however I had/have a child to think of as well.

I told him he could move out, since I had the child and I swear he whined when he said "so where the f**k am I suppose to go?"
Which was closely followed by me saying, "well, where am I suppose to go with a child!?"

It was one of my 'I am getting better' Al Anon moments as I was more interested in attending to my own needs rather than taking care of his.

At a geuss I'd say you feel cruel because putting yourself first is not familar behaviour for you. I don't think you feel cruel, cause your being cruel. It's just that it is different behaviour.

Take it easy

:ghug3

mizztake33

Hi Silverberry - you have to take care of yourself first. Too many times did I take care of my AH; this just led me crazy.

Eventully, he should be out of your house - hopefully. But I agree with others - loaning money, etc. is just going to keep him hanging on to you and that is enabling him to keep going, going, etc.

I am so sorry for you - no one should hurt like this! I hope everything works out well for you - keep us posted: )

Just know you are not alone . . .