luli2979

Hi there!

I've been doing stupid things, so I guess that why I feel this way.

On Friday, when I was coming home, my AH called me and ask me to have beer and I made the mistake to say yes.
He ends up drank, as usual and start talking and dreaming...
After that, when we came home, I was so upset with him and with me. I feal very bad.

And yesterday, after the futball match he starts acting nervous, because he wants to go out and keep drinking of course and he doesn't know how to tell me.
But at the end he went out and now here is 7am, he is not back. I called him a few minutes ago and he says: Grrr I'm coming!?#&*@#$

He always says: why are you so angry? I didn't do anything. I didn't cheat on you, I swear. What did I do to you? I did nothing.
Everytime I hear these words, it make me crazy! What kind of marriage is this? Is like nothing is enough for him to see what others see. He crushed the car once, and wasn't enough to make him see that the alcohol is killing him. He lost our wedding ring and is not enough to make him see that he has to stop drinking. He've been robbed and punched when he was drank at the streets and still not enough. He was escort twice to our home by the guards of our village and that wasn't enough either.
It hurts me deeply.

wraybear

I understand how you feel as I have been there done that.

I understand the feeling stupid and the hurting.

Don't take it personally... this is what drunks do. They know no other way until the decide they have had enough.

I had to get to a point, and it took me 13 years, to STOP ACCEPTING THE UNACCEPTABLE!

I wish I had done this a lot sooner as I have kicked myself for allowing myself to have lived that way for 13 years.

We do the best we can don't we!

I wish you peace and contentment.

Barbara52

Bottom line is you don't find he behavior and continued drinking acceptable to you.

Since you cannot change him, his behaviors or choices, what are you willing to change that is within your control? What are you willing to do to set boundaries and what are you willing to do if those boundaries are violated?

luli2979

Thanks for your answers, it make me feel that I am not alone.

I'm just very bad setting boundaries I think and sometimes I can't control my feelings and get out of control. That feeling is awful!

I don't like when he drinks, because as you know he can't drink as a normal person. But sometimes I like go out and have a drink with my friends and when I go with him, I really don't enjoy it. I feel stressed, like have to watch after him like a baby. And when friends are present, sometimes I feel embarassed because his behavior.

I really don't know what to do...

mamaplus2kids

Dear Luli,

Your husband sounds just like mine did. It got worse and worse. I threw him out of the house once I realized that his presence was bad for the children and when I suspected child abuse. I have never regretted that decision.

Good luck! Perhaps you could try imagining how you would feel if someone you loved was in your shoes. Would you tell them to leave? If you want to have children some day, having them with your husband would not be a good idea knowing what you know now.

Take care of yourself. That's all you can do. If this means living away from him (at least temporarily until he SHOWS change), then do it.

Barbara52

You can learn to control your feelings and set boundaries. These are skills you can learn. Perhaps start by setting small boundaries and proceed to the bigger ones?

Startingover2

I agree with everyone.

Something you said made me remember some things in my own situation. My AH would always try and get me to have 'a beer' with him. I refused...most of the time. I felt at first like I was saying yes to him drinking but then he pestered me enough to where I did have one and I hated it. It always ended up with him falling down drunk. Its almost like you having 'one beer' is giving them a license to drink. Uck.

mizztake33

Hi Luli - I also have been there, and still doing that.

I started Al-Anon, at the insistence of my therapist, and I have to tell you this really, really helped me. I honestly thought I was going nuts!!!

I learned from reading and going to meetings to detach with love. I was detaching well (I thought) before going to Al-Anon. but out of anger.

Hang in there - if you haven't checked out Al-Anon - check it out.

Hugs to you - hope things get better.

luli2979

Thanks everybody for your support.

Sometimes, I just can't think. I don't know where's my mind and what is my brain doing up there. I feel busy all day at work and when I get home, just wanna rest but when my AH send me signs that maybe is not gonna be a good day, I start being nervous and can't focus in anything at all.

By the moment, I'm trying to not lose my temper and patience.

Thanks again!

mamaplus2kids

That's exactly the problem! The moment you feel like taking care of yourself, ie give yourself some rest, you start to worry and feel nervous, making it impossible for you to take care of yourself. I feel the same way. I can't concentrate on my writing, even though I know this is what I have to do. I wish I could get myself to concentrate... Coffee has always helped me focus, but in this situation, it makes it worse because it makes me so nervous.

When you get home from work, take a nice hot bath, call some girlfriends, do something that is relaxing for yourself.

blessed4x

Luli,
Just wanted to offer support, and to let know you are NOT alone. I feel the same way much of the time. I can get distracted at work, but as I get closer to home I start to feel more anxious. I turn the corner and hope to see his truck is gone, but almost every day it is there. I think it would be so much easier if all of this would magically go away and I didn't have to do the work, but it doesn't look like that will ever happen.