Miscarriage and dealing with other things
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
Miscarriage and dealing with other things
After being unemployed for one year, my husband had gotten a job and started his job at the end of June working as a paralegal. Originally when he was unemployed, he was living with his parents, going to a recovery program, active with AA in Sequim. As well, he was also active on www.soberrecovery.com as well. But when he got his job, he moved back to Seattle to his own apartment, he did not really get involved with AA. We were spending a lot of time together this summer. I was little concerned that he was not really involved with AA in Seattle or www.soberrecovery.com, but at least he was going to a counselor. I asked him if he had been sober in the last 90 days, and he would not give me a straight answer.
Then I got pregnant--WOW, that is probably one of the most amazing feelings a woman can ever feel in her life--I really did not think I had the ability to make a pregnancy test stay pregnant. It was a really happy time for both of us--that feeling of maybe we can make this work out.
And then, a week and a half later, I started to bleed--that was probably one of the most painful feelings ---a feeling of helplessness. The doctor said my levels were slowly rising, but when they did an ultrasound at 6 weeks there was not a heartbeat. The OBGYN called recently and said that there was something abnormal about my Pap Smear, but it was negative for Cervical Cancer--they wanted to make sure that I got another Pap Smear in a year. I go in for another OBGYN appointment on Thursday--they are going to help me finish the miscarriage if not everything was out.
With dealing with this, I have also been dealing with my husband actively relapsing--it is the craziest feeling to know that my husband is still drinking, and that if he gets another DUI, they could put him in jail--he would lose his job. I thought the Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde guy had gone away, but he was there last night.
I am just trying to pray to God at this point and make good decisions in my own life.
Then I got pregnant--WOW, that is probably one of the most amazing feelings a woman can ever feel in her life--I really did not think I had the ability to make a pregnancy test stay pregnant. It was a really happy time for both of us--that feeling of maybe we can make this work out.
And then, a week and a half later, I started to bleed--that was probably one of the most painful feelings ---a feeling of helplessness. The doctor said my levels were slowly rising, but when they did an ultrasound at 6 weeks there was not a heartbeat. The OBGYN called recently and said that there was something abnormal about my Pap Smear, but it was negative for Cervical Cancer--they wanted to make sure that I got another Pap Smear in a year. I go in for another OBGYN appointment on Thursday--they are going to help me finish the miscarriage if not everything was out.
With dealing with this, I have also been dealing with my husband actively relapsing--it is the craziest feeling to know that my husband is still drinking, and that if he gets another DUI, they could put him in jail--he would lose his job. I thought the Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde guy had gone away, but he was there last night.
I am just trying to pray to God at this point and make good decisions in my own life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
I'm hurting with you. It's so devastating and I have felt the pain of miscarriage a few times, but not YOUR pain, and I'm praying for you right this minute as I write this. Please make sure you are leaning on those who love you and keep you centered and that you don't spend your time trying to deal with the insanity of addiction. Just focus on you right now. He will still be there when you are ready to deal with that situation.
take care!
take care!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
You have my condolences on your loss, PrettyViolets. You have my prayers for healing.
Let go you concerns about your AH and let God take care of him. Its time to concentrate on your own needs and healing.
Let go you concerns about your AH and let God take care of him. Its time to concentrate on your own needs and healing.
Day, by Day, by Day.....
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: nunya
Posts: 76
Pretty Violtes - Oh, I feel your pain. I too have suffered from a miscarriage and it is emotionally devistating - especially not to have support when you go through this.
My hurt aches for you - and for your situation. Have you tried detaching from your husband and letting him dealing with his messes? I know that this is extremely, extremely hard - - but you need to focus on you, and not spend all of your energy on worrying about him.
Take care of yourself -
My hurt aches for you - and for your situation. Have you tried detaching from your husband and letting him dealing with his messes? I know that this is extremely, extremely hard - - but you need to focus on you, and not spend all of your energy on worrying about him.
Take care of yourself -
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
Thank you for your support.
The last couple of weeks have been very difficult. My Obgyn finally gave me some tablets to finish the miscarriage, and I am starting to feel better.
The last couple of weeks my husband has been sober, and other times he has been relapsing. He even wanted to quit his job and go back to Sequim to live with his parents so that he could get back in the recovery program.
I told him that I would only stay with him if he stayed sober. I encouraged him to stay with his job for another month, and if he was still having problems with alcohol to give 2 weeks notice and go back Sequim. His lease is up at the end of October, and I did not want his parents getting stuck with their son's rent again. I even went to some AA meetings with him. I have to admit at one AA meeting I was trying to be friendly and funny and said "I am here in support of Mike, and I like Chocolate Soymilk and Jamba Juice."
I will always love my husband---that is why I married him. And I love my inlaws. They took me out to dinner for my birthday early and gave me a beautiful birthday over Labor Day weekend. I spent the last couple of days with my parents in Oklahoma. I wanted to spend my birthday with my parents. I rarely get to see them, and I felt it was time to be with the my own parents who have always loved me.
While I was at my parents, he was drinking. He was supposed to pick me up at the airport today. He called when my flight landed, but then he was an hour late (kept saying there was traffic--I just know that is his excuse when he is drinking). When I saw him at the airport, I asked him if he had drinking. Then I told him that I was going to take the bus home. I was so angry at him that I told him that I was going to find another guy who had his act together. Then he just walked off.
I have tried so hard to love my husband. I wanted him to stay sober so that he would do good at his job and stay employed. I was concerned that his drinking would cause health problems for a future child and possibly cause future miscarriages (heavy drinking can cause semen to be defective). I really wanted my marriage and a family to work out for both of us, because we really are a good couple and we really love each other.
I need to take care of myself now. I really need to find someone who is responsible and sober, and someone who has the same dreams as me to have a healthy marriage and a healthy family.
I am okay. I am just sad to leave my best friend. I am just sad that he cannot get over this addiction. And I am sad that I may have to make changes in my life. But I have God and I have a great family. My inlaws said that to still keep in touch. And I have to love myself right now.
:praying
The last couple of weeks have been very difficult. My Obgyn finally gave me some tablets to finish the miscarriage, and I am starting to feel better.
The last couple of weeks my husband has been sober, and other times he has been relapsing. He even wanted to quit his job and go back to Sequim to live with his parents so that he could get back in the recovery program.
I told him that I would only stay with him if he stayed sober. I encouraged him to stay with his job for another month, and if he was still having problems with alcohol to give 2 weeks notice and go back Sequim. His lease is up at the end of October, and I did not want his parents getting stuck with their son's rent again. I even went to some AA meetings with him. I have to admit at one AA meeting I was trying to be friendly and funny and said "I am here in support of Mike, and I like Chocolate Soymilk and Jamba Juice."
I will always love my husband---that is why I married him. And I love my inlaws. They took me out to dinner for my birthday early and gave me a beautiful birthday over Labor Day weekend. I spent the last couple of days with my parents in Oklahoma. I wanted to spend my birthday with my parents. I rarely get to see them, and I felt it was time to be with the my own parents who have always loved me.
While I was at my parents, he was drinking. He was supposed to pick me up at the airport today. He called when my flight landed, but then he was an hour late (kept saying there was traffic--I just know that is his excuse when he is drinking). When I saw him at the airport, I asked him if he had drinking. Then I told him that I was going to take the bus home. I was so angry at him that I told him that I was going to find another guy who had his act together. Then he just walked off.
I have tried so hard to love my husband. I wanted him to stay sober so that he would do good at his job and stay employed. I was concerned that his drinking would cause health problems for a future child and possibly cause future miscarriages (heavy drinking can cause semen to be defective). I really wanted my marriage and a family to work out for both of us, because we really are a good couple and we really love each other.
I need to take care of myself now. I really need to find someone who is responsible and sober, and someone who has the same dreams as me to have a healthy marriage and a healthy family.
I am okay. I am just sad to leave my best friend. I am just sad that he cannot get over this addiction. And I am sad that I may have to make changes in my life. But I have God and I have a great family. My inlaws said that to still keep in touch. And I have to love myself right now.
:praying
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: OKLAHOMA CITY OKLA
Posts: 43
It is such a painful loss. I have had two miscarriages. I feel so bad for you. There are no words for the loss you are feeling. So I will just say a prayer for you and it will take time and you will grieve it is natural. Please take care of yourself and my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.
Hugs to you.
Kelli....
Hugs to you.
Kelli....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm so sorry you're in pain, violets
I know how much it hurts....I've been there too. But in hindsight, I also have to be realistic and I've seen that, if those pregnancies had come to term, the baby would've been born into a life of chaos and pain. I may have thought that having a baby would make everything magically better, my A would've magically become clean and sober, etc etc, but that kind of thinking would not have made it so. Fifteen and twenty years later now, I can definitely say that my HP was protecting my unborn child by taking her away from me, at that point in time. I shudder when I think of the life she would've been born into, despite all my wishful thinking.
Other family members have had similar experiences. It's almost like their babies KNEW that they were about to be born into families with active alcoholics, addicts, pain & suffering, and they said, "Uh, NO thanks. I'll wait and be born some other time when you're more stable." It's unnerving and a little miraculous. My niece just gave birth to a fine son, after three miscarriages with addicts, the young man can now grow up with a never-addicted, strong, loving father. It's almost like they know. It's almost like your baby has chosen to wait for a safer point in your life to come.
But it was still miserable at the time. Hugs to you in this hard, hard time
GL
I know how much it hurts....I've been there too. But in hindsight, I also have to be realistic and I've seen that, if those pregnancies had come to term, the baby would've been born into a life of chaos and pain. I may have thought that having a baby would make everything magically better, my A would've magically become clean and sober, etc etc, but that kind of thinking would not have made it so. Fifteen and twenty years later now, I can definitely say that my HP was protecting my unborn child by taking her away from me, at that point in time. I shudder when I think of the life she would've been born into, despite all my wishful thinking.
Other family members have had similar experiences. It's almost like their babies KNEW that they were about to be born into families with active alcoholics, addicts, pain & suffering, and they said, "Uh, NO thanks. I'll wait and be born some other time when you're more stable." It's unnerving and a little miraculous. My niece just gave birth to a fine son, after three miscarriages with addicts, the young man can now grow up with a never-addicted, strong, loving father. It's almost like they know. It's almost like your baby has chosen to wait for a safer point in your life to come.
But it was still miserable at the time. Hugs to you in this hard, hard time
GL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 65
Thinking of you. Miscarriages are so hard. Friends and family should be leaned on at this time - you should have all the support you need. Take time to recover slowly and think about your future and what you want it to look like for you and any children. Be good to yourself - rest up and recover well. My thoughts are with you. So sorry to hear your story. Big hugs.
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