Trigger is coming
 

DH will have 30 days on Wednesday. He's working his program very well. We've had a really great month.

His controlling family members (who live 4 hours away) have been huge bones of contention for us. They constantly refuse to leave their small town on holidays and AH has insisted for years that we travel to see them. Bad behavior abounds during these times always. Everyone there is so wrapped up in themselves, their issues, showing off, acting out, disrespecting me, proving something, trying to manipulate someone, etc. that it just is never peaceful.

Just a week ago, my AH was agreeing that our home has been so peaceful this past month. He told his mother on his last visit that whether or not I come with him is up to him. That answer will never be good enough for her. And I suspect either she has started in on him about the holidays, or will soon.

This morning we chatted about Christmas and he said, "We'll go wherever you want at Christmas. Christmas is yours this year and Thanksgiving is mine."

Historically, we've switched holidays with our families. But because his family has never budged over the holidays, that has always meant us going there. I assumed we would invite them here this year, since they are sooo much better behaved here than in their own town and since any obvious haters will stay home. But I get the feeling, the old AH thinking is coming back to life. And so the war will ensue. Or so, if I allow it.

The recovering codie in me says that words have gotten me nowhere and only actions will change anything. But his argument will be that in essence, I am proposing that if we (4 of us) don't go there, I will be denying all of his extended family from seeing our two children. That's just not so, they are welcome here anytime and we have always visited there a couple of times a year. They have never spent a holiday at our house.

And no, him taking our kids there because they refuse to leave their little town is not an option. When he is sober, he agrees there is too much drama there. When he is using his drinking cap, he is busy appeasing his mother. He's welcome to go there, but just because he changes his mind doesn't mean I'm not with my kids.

Wow! Congrats to him on 30 days! And congrats to you for a great month!

I’ve been gone a bit, and feel like I’ve missed so much.

With love, my friend, you are worrying about things that haven’t happened yet, are months away, and none of this will change by worrying about it anyway.

I think traveling there twice a year is more than a reasonable effort on your part to stay connected with the family, esp. if there‘s so much drama involved. What effort have they made to stay connected with you? Why does it always have to be on their terms? And how is it fair that you guys do all the legwork?

As far as the triggers go, share your feelings with him. You may find he’s just as concerned as you are, and maybe you two can work together to come up with a plan.

“Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten...”

(((hugs)))

juju

I don't have a whole lot of advice, but I do know that in-law stuff can be very sticky. I had my own share of in-law issues, but my sister's in-laws are toxic. She has it worked out that her husband can take kids to his parents and be responsible for kids, but she does not have to do see them and vice versa (although our parents are far less toxic).