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Old 08-15-2008, 12:23 PM
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Opinions on this?

A brief recap - my kids live with me, on Social Services' insistence, as XAGF is not safe to look after them full-time. She's attending an alcohol counselling service once or twice a week, as well as AA sporadically. She's been claiming to have been sober for five months but, while she gets breath-tested before contact with the kids twice a week and has always passed, I'm not convinced that she's entirely sober at other times.

Anyway, to the point. Today there was a regular meeting with me, XAGF, the child protection social worker who's running the whole show, and XAGF's alcohol service case-worker. The meeting was to talk about having a trial overnight for the kids at XAGF's house.

During the meeting I started getting the feeling that XAGF wasn't sober, but I didn't know what to do about it. On the one hand, I've grown to loath the whole "elephant in the room" thing and felt that I should've brought this out into the open. On the other, XAGF is gonna do what she's gonna do. That she may have been drinking at a time when she didn't have the children with her isn't, really, my problem. Plus I didn't want to get into a "You've been drinking", "No I haven't!" thing :chatter

Once I started considering that XAGF wasn't sober though, I started feeling very uncomfortable being there, sat next to her in this meeting and playing the "Let's all pretend XAGF is fine" game. The whole situation made my skin crawl, a real visceral reaction, a need to just get the hell away from her. Ugh.

In the end I didn't say anything in the meeting but had a quick word with the social worker afterwards, raising my concerns. Interestingly, the social worker also suspected that XAGF wasn't sober, but seemed less concerned. It took me a good couple of hours to calm down though.

So, what would you have done? Stood up in the meeting and called her out, or ignored it as Somebody Else's Problem? How about the almost overpowering urge to just get away in a situation where I can't? Any ideas on how I can deal with this better next time would be great!

Thanks, Mr B.
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Old 08-15-2008, 12:36 PM
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Yeow! So you were trying to have a meeting about your kids while she was self-medicated. I don't think the point of announcing she was drunk would have gone over well if your intention would have been to convince the social worker or your exAGF. However, you could have requested that the meeting be rescheduled and given your reasons why, and then left.

I think you did a good job having restraint. The SW probably has her own ideas but may not share them all with you.
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Old 08-15-2008, 01:02 PM
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You did a good job. Nice that social worker saw it as well. I am in the beginning stages of a custody issue with AH. Not to the point of having a social worker, but to me you do what you have to do to protect your kids.
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Old 08-15-2008, 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by respektingme View Post
Yeow! So you were trying to have a meeting about your kids while she was self-medicated. I don't think the point of announcing she was drunk would have gone over well if your intention would have been to convince the social worker or your exAGF. However, you could have requested that the meeting be rescheduled and given your reasons why, and then left.
Hey, I like that approach. It keeps my personal boundaries intact while allowing me the opportunity to get the heck out of Dodge at the earliest opportunity. Thanks!

I absolutely agree that the SW has her own ideas that aren't being shared. While I can understand that given her role in this mess, it does make it hard for me to work out the best way forward. I'm no expert in all this... SW also has a tendency to give out some very mixed messages which doesn't help either.

Thanks again for the tip!
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Old 08-15-2008, 03:30 PM
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Since the meeting was to discuss a possible overnight, I think I would have said something about my suspicions simply because it could have impact on that possible overnight. But I also like the sugestion to reschedule the meeting and leave.
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Old 08-15-2008, 05:43 PM
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It seems that they just can't NOT drink, even with so much a risk. My exaw showed up with me to a meeting w/sw so drunk she could barely fill out the forms we were there to do. I knew she was drunk when I got home from work. I said "you know we have a meeting in 1 hour?"

I guess she thought she could pull it off. The sw interviewed us seperately and then asked to have a word with me after. EXaw had left on foot when I came out. Walked about 2 miles home. The sw DEFINATELY noticed. You could smell beer coming out of her pores, WTF?

She just repeatedly shot herself in the foot over and over. Maybe she wanted me to raise our daughter to free up more drinking time. I don't waste brain cells on it any more.

My opinion... the SW's know plenty, they see this crap on a daily basis. They ARE concerned about the welfare of our kids. It ended being a God send for me, of course I was trying to do the right thing for dd.

The state actually seperated our custody issues from our divorce proceedings so they would retain jurisdiction over my daughters placement with me. With out the DA, and CPS, and my daughters lawyer I don't believe I would have stood a chance at custody. Fifty-five yo man and 6 yo daughter. Devine intervention I believe, I've been blessed.

All this for a guy who didn't even believe in God till he was fifty-four. You can bet I do now.

Thanks and God bless us all
Coyote

P.S. I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am of you Mr B.
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Old 08-18-2008, 09:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
Since the meeting was to discuss a possible overnight, I think I would have said something about my suspicions simply because it could have impact on that possible overnight. But I also like the sugestion to reschedule the meeting and leave.
Barbara, that was pretty much my thoughts, too, but... I think, at heart, I slipped back into a state of willing denial. I couldn't quite believe that she wouldn't be sober for that meeting. Neither could I understand the way it seemed, in the meeting at least, that I was the only one to suspect XAGF wasn't sober. I also think that my indecision was partly fuelled by fear - what if I was wrong? What if I was over-reacting? And, I think, a fear also of what would happen if I was right...

Bah. Once again I fell into a state of indecision bred by fear of the consequences of confronting XAGF's alcoholism. It's not helped by the fact that I feel compelled to play this according to the social worker's opinions, but they're so vague it makes it really hard for me to find a level that feels 'right'.

Thanks for all the support.
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Old 08-19-2008, 10:34 AM
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Spoke to social worker

It seems that, after the meeting on Friday, our social worker spoke to the alcohol support case worker about XAGF. It seems the case worker said that she thought XAGF was sober(!) It's a complicated situation but I get the feeling that SW isn't putting much weight by the case worker's opinion any more.

Now I've had some more time for the emotional reaction to subside enough for me to be a bit more rational, I've decided that unless SW can come up with a very convincing reason otherwise, I'm treating this as a relapse on XAGF's part which means her contact with the children will be reduced. There is an agreement between XAGF, SW and myself for how contact should ramp up over time provided XAGF remains ok and for it to reset back to a few hours a week if she's not. What constitutes 'OK' is rather vague so, if nothing else, this episode will serve to make that more definite.

It will mean that overnight stays will be out of the question for another 6 months which is sad for the kids, but it's better that when they do get to have an overnight, their mother will be sober enough for it to be good.

Thanks for all the support,
Mr B.
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