How Do I find the Strenght to Walk Away?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
How Do I find the Strenght to Walk Away?
I have been with AB for the last 3 years. He has been sober for 2 years but financially is still not responsible. I'm the breadwinner, I own my own home, pay the bills, etc. I hold down 3 jobs and yesterday I lost one of them.
I was sad, crying, worried about money, and I asked my AB to come to dinner with me. He refused because he was "busy" reading a magazine on the couch. When I asked him why, he just laid into me, telling me to shut, not be a cry baby, he's sick of my crap, f off, blah, blah.
I want to end the relationship, I know I don't deserve this, and when I get the nerve to end it...4 days later we patch it up. He always tells me I'm the problem, I'm crazy, etc. He doesn't go to meetings, he barely works, but he stays sober. I go to meetings, I work three jobs, and I hate myself for being allowed to stay in this crazy relationship.
How do you walk away? What's the last straw? Why is someone whose sober for two years so verbally abusive. I don't get it. I expected him to get better but he is still mean as hell.
Any advice is appreciated.
I was sad, crying, worried about money, and I asked my AB to come to dinner with me. He refused because he was "busy" reading a magazine on the couch. When I asked him why, he just laid into me, telling me to shut, not be a cry baby, he's sick of my crap, f off, blah, blah.
I want to end the relationship, I know I don't deserve this, and when I get the nerve to end it...4 days later we patch it up. He always tells me I'm the problem, I'm crazy, etc. He doesn't go to meetings, he barely works, but he stays sober. I go to meetings, I work three jobs, and I hate myself for being allowed to stay in this crazy relationship.
How do you walk away? What's the last straw? Why is someone whose sober for two years so verbally abusive. I don't get it. I expected him to get better but he is still mean as hell.
Any advice is appreciated.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
Are you afraid of being alone? Do you have children? That's the only reason I can think of that a person might be willing to stay with someone so toxic. What reason does he have to change? You provide the home and all the financial means, so it sounds like he has it pretty much made. You say you go to meetings...have you ever brought this up for discussion?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
What kind of background do you have, venus? Have you always been willing to take this kind of abuse -- were you taught to take it when you were younger?
I know that I didn't have any role models in terms of relationships, so I stayed in situations that were pretty awful -- fearful, abusive, me paying the bills, etc.
What do you think keeps you there? Do you "love" someone who's shiftless, irresponsible, abusive, mean, and isn't there for you at all? Are you afraid of his reaction if you were to want out? Do you have low self-esteem? Are you scared you won't find somebody else? What keeps you going back to something that just gives you 10% of what you need as a person? Why are you willing to settle for so little?
When you figure out why you stay, only then can you figure out where your heart wants to go from here.
What would you say if this were a beloved friend who was in the same situation you describe to us? If were a daughter, or a young woman you loved more than anything........what would you advise her to do? What would you tell her?
I know that I didn't have any role models in terms of relationships, so I stayed in situations that were pretty awful -- fearful, abusive, me paying the bills, etc.
What do you think keeps you there? Do you "love" someone who's shiftless, irresponsible, abusive, mean, and isn't there for you at all? Are you afraid of his reaction if you were to want out? Do you have low self-esteem? Are you scared you won't find somebody else? What keeps you going back to something that just gives you 10% of what you need as a person? Why are you willing to settle for so little?
When you figure out why you stay, only then can you figure out where your heart wants to go from here.
What would you say if this were a beloved friend who was in the same situation you describe to us? If were a daughter, or a young woman you loved more than anything........what would you advise her to do? What would you tell her?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
My sponsor said it took her two years to leave her AH. She said finally she had enough. It's weird I have never been in a dysfunctional relationship this. I'm strong and capable at work, at home I'm weak and submissive. I think it stems from my upbringing with alcoholic mother. His personality reminds me of her.
I hate myself for putting up with it. I feel almost stuck, or stuffed in a drawer, and I'm not really sure what I'm afraid of. The reality that he used me, didn't love me, etc. I guess maybe it's insecurity.
My son is in college and away. He wants me to leave. I guess I hold on to the hope he can and will change. I have a hard time accepting that he really is that big of a jerk.
I hate myself for putting up with it. I feel almost stuck, or stuffed in a drawer, and I'm not really sure what I'm afraid of. The reality that he used me, didn't love me, etc. I guess maybe it's insecurity.
My son is in college and away. He wants me to leave. I guess I hold on to the hope he can and will change. I have a hard time accepting that he really is that big of a jerk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
In response to GiveLove, I would give my friend a big hug and tell her she deserves someone who really loves her. My AB is very narcisstic like my mom, it's all about him, and the world revolves around him. The truth of the matter is I'm financially independent, successful in my career, and very very weak in this relationship emotionally.
I feel sad, beaten down, and I wish I could fast forward 3 months from now after he's gone. I would feel okay and accept I'm on my own. I guess I don't have much of a support system and I'm embarrassed to let my family and friends know how really bad and ridiculous it is.
I feel sad, beaten down, and I wish I could fast forward 3 months from now after he's gone. I would feel okay and accept I'm on my own. I guess I don't have much of a support system and I'm embarrassed to let my family and friends know how really bad and ridiculous it is.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I've posted this before. When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of change, you will change.
There are two ways to get to that point. Wait for the pain to become unbearable, or identify and work on your fears.
L
There are two ways to get to that point. Wait for the pain to become unbearable, or identify and work on your fears.
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
B52 has a very good point. There's no stigma any more in going to a counselor (therapist, etc.) and taking a few sessions just to get an impartial perspective on things. I was really astonished at how much it helped me, and how much the things I learned STILL help me when I find myself in dire straits.
Mostly, they ask questions that you might not think to ask yourself. And like La Tee Da says, finding those answers really can set you free, no matter what you do with them.
You don't have to be alone, venus. The people who love you....well.....LOVE you. Most people are honored to be asked for help and support when you're going through tough times.
I was/am an adult child of alcoholics too --- there's a whole board here on SR for people like me, and Mike, and Ginger, and all the others who have exactly the same programming you do but we're trying to learn healthy ways to get stronger. Still having kneejerk reactions to the narcissistic behavior, the demands, the abuse....sigh....so many common traits! We're all working on it together.....Maybe stop in some time and say hi
Mostly, they ask questions that you might not think to ask yourself. And like La Tee Da says, finding those answers really can set you free, no matter what you do with them.
You don't have to be alone, venus. The people who love you....well.....LOVE you. Most people are honored to be asked for help and support when you're going through tough times.
I was/am an adult child of alcoholics too --- there's a whole board here on SR for people like me, and Mike, and Ginger, and all the others who have exactly the same programming you do but we're trying to learn healthy ways to get stronger. Still having kneejerk reactions to the narcissistic behavior, the demands, the abuse....sigh....so many common traits! We're all working on it together.....Maybe stop in some time and say hi
Always Hopeful
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: californication
Posts: 50
Find your strength
You have tried and he hasn't gotten better. You hold that to be the truth and you walk away because you can look back and know that you gave 110% and it didnt pan out. Go to therapy because somewhere along the lines, you lost your priorities in life. You are your priority. Get your self esteem back and realize that no one deserves the hell that you are going through. Good luck
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
I also gave till it was almost all gone... when you realize that no matter what you do it in all likelihood won't make one bit of difference... After he got his 3rd dui, then Him leaving for another sugar lady, was really a relief & an eye opener, also.
In the over 3 yrs since, I still deal with getting my life back together... But I have so much to be Grateful for. Single, on my own & Loving It. I know what it's like to be alone while with someone... Now I can celebrate, lots of days
when he left 
I got a gift bow w/ the tag having balloons on it & marked the day he called to say he was leaving on the back. I still have that displayed in my place. 
8
I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days.
In the over 3 yrs since, I still deal with getting my life back together... But I have so much to be Grateful for. Single, on my own & Loving It. I know what it's like to be alone while with someone... Now I can celebrate, lots of days
when he left I got a gift bow w/ the tag having balloons on it & marked the day he called to say he was leaving on the back. I still have that displayed in my place. 8I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Only you will know when the last straw breaks. You sound like a very capable, hardworking & intelligent woman. You damn well deserve the best dont you? Why put up with an ungrateful, disrespectful person in your home. Love is one thing, but trust and respect are another. If you are giving and he is receiving most times ditch him! He needs to get real and responsible. Just my opinion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
I think what drives me the most crazy. Is how they conveniently "forget" all the horrible nasty things they say to you. They accuse you of "making it up" or being a drama queen. He thinks it's ok to tell me to shut up, f off, etc. I don't like verbal abuse and I never have. I guess the lack of compassion just really upsets me and I had the same thing growing up with my mom. Never there for me, if I expressed any kind of sorrow or weakness, I was a drama queen.
Uggh, it's yucky to think I'm in a relationship with someone like my mother.
Uggh, it's yucky to think I'm in a relationship with someone like my mother.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by venusinlibra 
Uggh, it's yucky to think I'm in a relationship with someone like my mother.
It's a choice you've made -- and it's a choice you can CHANGE any time. If that's not the kind of person you feel is right for you (that yucky, abusive person he's become) then there are many ways to take baby steps toward finding a life you love instead.
And unless you're really into the martyr thing (don't laugh - lots of people get their energy from that), that will happen whenever you get to the point where you feel that little girl inside you deserves better than what you've been tossing her. You'll reach the point where you're willing to do something a little hard in order to have a better life.....until then, maybe you could continue to figure out why you're okay with living a life that you would never wish on someone you loved.
Take care of yourself, whatever you decide
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I relate to what you've said.
My last A was sober but still had a temper and would do things to intimidate me when he couldn't have his way. And he was a AA member and had a sponsor, went to meetings etc... Soberity means nothing and (my own sponsor said this just yesterday to me) going to meetings means nothing either. Recovery is about changing and if one aint changing they stay the same.
In my relationships I've always be the 'bread winner' too. My mother is also. My dad stayed home and tried to raise us kids. Rather than bring us up, he dragged us up though. Neither of my parents drank but it would've been good if they did! It was all pretty crazy.
However one thing I have identified since I began attending SLAA (I've been in AA 10 years as well as Al Anon for 5 of these) is that the person I took care of in my family was my older sister. She had an eating disorder and a lot of woman with eating disorders their personality is such that they are like 'lost children'.
I taught her how to use the toaster (serious), the TV and all other household appliances. I also use to excercise with her and join the odd diet - I never last though, not enough will power. I think I also become emotionally dependent on her because neither of my parents were avail - they were too busy fighting each other.
I'm not saying you need to attend SLAA but echoing what other people have posted - once one identifies 'care taking behavior', then gets an idea of where it comes from and why, one can change it.
Change is really hard though. My relationship with my older sister has changed drastically and during this process it has at times been so painful, it has felt like I am trying to cut off a part of myself or something.
My last A was sober but still had a temper and would do things to intimidate me when he couldn't have his way. And he was a AA member and had a sponsor, went to meetings etc... Soberity means nothing and (my own sponsor said this just yesterday to me) going to meetings means nothing either. Recovery is about changing and if one aint changing they stay the same.
In my relationships I've always be the 'bread winner' too. My mother is also. My dad stayed home and tried to raise us kids. Rather than bring us up, he dragged us up though. Neither of my parents drank but it would've been good if they did! It was all pretty crazy.
However one thing I have identified since I began attending SLAA (I've been in AA 10 years as well as Al Anon for 5 of these) is that the person I took care of in my family was my older sister. She had an eating disorder and a lot of woman with eating disorders their personality is such that they are like 'lost children'.
I taught her how to use the toaster (serious), the TV and all other household appliances. I also use to excercise with her and join the odd diet - I never last though, not enough will power. I think I also become emotionally dependent on her because neither of my parents were avail - they were too busy fighting each other.
I'm not saying you need to attend SLAA but echoing what other people have posted - once one identifies 'care taking behavior', then gets an idea of where it comes from and why, one can change it.
Change is really hard though. My relationship with my older sister has changed drastically and during this process it has at times been so painful, it has felt like I am trying to cut off a part of myself or something.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by venusinlibra
Uggh, it's yucky to think I'm in a relationship with someone like my mother.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I can only speak from my own personal experience as to how I found the strength to walk away from my exAH. How you find your strength is up to you. We are each individuals, and we find our way into and out of our messes in a unique manner and by a unique set of motives.
I left my exAH when I got angry enough not to care anymore. I had nowhere to go and no idea what would happen to me, but I was A-N-G-R-Y. So I grabbed all of my clothes, my files, and my cat and dumped it all into my car in less than one hour. Then I drove off into the night and that was the end of it.
That is the abridged version of my story, but I have told the longer version a number of times here. I guess for each one of us it boils down to when we get sick and tired of being sick and tired - at that point we just summon up our inner strength and take a leap of faith that life without any partner is better than life with an abusive one.
I left my exAH when I got angry enough not to care anymore. I had nowhere to go and no idea what would happen to me, but I was A-N-G-R-Y. So I grabbed all of my clothes, my files, and my cat and dumped it all into my car in less than one hour. Then I drove off into the night and that was the end of it.
That is the abridged version of my story, but I have told the longer version a number of times here. I guess for each one of us it boils down to when we get sick and tired of being sick and tired - at that point we just summon up our inner strength and take a leap of faith that life without any partner is better than life with an abusive one.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I agree with LTD. My AH would tell me I was crazy and that I was the problem. I used to question myself and forget, until I started journaling what he did and said. Then when I felt like I was going crazy or maybe I was wrong about a situation I would check my journal and low and behold I would remember EXACTLY the way a situation went and the feeling I felt. I would never show him my journal or argue that I had proof he was wrong--that didn't do any good and was a waste of time and energy. The journal was for my eyes only and made me know that I wasn't insane or forgetful.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
I can only speak from my own personal experience as to how I found the strength to walk away from my exAH. How you find your strength is up to you. We are each individuals, and we find our way into and out of our messes in a unique manner and by a unique set of motives.
guess for each one of us it boils down to when we get sick and tired of being sick and tired - at that point we just summon up our inner strength and take a leap of faith that life without any partner is better than life with an abusive one.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((venusinlibra))) It breaks my heart to read some of these stories. Therapy has worked wonders for me. I also looked around at friends and what I could see going on in their relationships and realized I was getting shafted. What would you do if someone you cared about lost a job and wanted to go out to dinner to talk about it? You'd be a caring friend and go. Your AB sounds like a dry drunk- abusive even when he isn't drinking. My STBXAH was also like that. He went to treatment, but got meaner probably because he wasn't drinking and wasn't "working a program." The truly grateful recovering alcoholics I know work very hard on it- to understand why they became alcoholics. They are spiritual in some way and that leaves no room for nasty behavior.
It sounds to me like you have some childhood issues to work through. I too grew up in an abusive home, and think I married someone a lot like my dad. What I've had to do is figure out why I accepted bad behavior. Now it's apparent to me, and my goal is to surround myself with people who treat me with respect- starting with myself. I picture that little girl I once was and tell her that I am an adult now. I don't have to accept abuse. I protect her. It's something I should have had with my dad, but didn't get. Now that I'm older I have a choice. If I think about that little girl and what I would want for her it makes it easier for me to keep pushing forward. Leaving someone you love is never easy. For me it had to come down to loving myself first.
It sounds to me like you have some childhood issues to work through. I too grew up in an abusive home, and think I married someone a lot like my dad. What I've had to do is figure out why I accepted bad behavior. Now it's apparent to me, and my goal is to surround myself with people who treat me with respect- starting with myself. I picture that little girl I once was and tell her that I am an adult now. I don't have to accept abuse. I protect her. It's something I should have had with my dad, but didn't get. Now that I'm older I have a choice. If I think about that little girl and what I would want for her it makes it easier for me to keep pushing forward. Leaving someone you love is never easy. For me it had to come down to loving myself first.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
