Recovering AH - what do I do?
Freed from the anguish
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
Recovering AH - what do I do?
My AH hasn't had a drink in almost 5 weeks. He started attending AA a week ago, and has attended everyday since.
We're both working through so many things in our own lives and hearts, and I know it's causing tension between us as we try to live together "normally". I'm trying to get through the "Codependent No More" but just am not finding time, since we both work, and I'm trying to get to AlAnon meetings, and still trying to get meals on the table and breakfasts/lunches packed for work.
On top of everything else, I feel like we're hindering each other from progress to some degree. We're both walking on eggshells around each other, and when we aren't, we're arguing. I know I don't have the power to keep him sober, but I *feel like* he has the power to keep me codependent. I'm trying to not be a doormat anymore and stand up for myself when he's not being nice or understanding. But that just blows up in my face because then he goes off on his shpeel about how he can't change everything at once and he's working on what he can.
I REALIZE that - it's a one-step-at-a-time program. But that doesn't mean I have to continue being a doormat, does it?
I honestly feel that the only way he and I will be able to get through this without ruining our marriage is for some healthy separation. Last week, when he first started AA, he told me he wants to make our marriage work and last and he'd do whatever it takes - even if it meant him moving out for a while. Do you think I'd be making a bad choice if I took him up on that offer? I think I could spend SO much more time on me and working through what I need if he weren't around. I'm not good at detachment yet and I'm trying to learn this new way of living - but I'm so distracted when he's around...
Has anyone else saved their marriage through temporary separation? Did it really help?
We're both working through so many things in our own lives and hearts, and I know it's causing tension between us as we try to live together "normally". I'm trying to get through the "Codependent No More" but just am not finding time, since we both work, and I'm trying to get to AlAnon meetings, and still trying to get meals on the table and breakfasts/lunches packed for work.
On top of everything else, I feel like we're hindering each other from progress to some degree. We're both walking on eggshells around each other, and when we aren't, we're arguing. I know I don't have the power to keep him sober, but I *feel like* he has the power to keep me codependent. I'm trying to not be a doormat anymore and stand up for myself when he's not being nice or understanding. But that just blows up in my face because then he goes off on his shpeel about how he can't change everything at once and he's working on what he can.
I REALIZE that - it's a one-step-at-a-time program. But that doesn't mean I have to continue being a doormat, does it?
I honestly feel that the only way he and I will be able to get through this without ruining our marriage is for some healthy separation. Last week, when he first started AA, he told me he wants to make our marriage work and last and he'd do whatever it takes - even if it meant him moving out for a while. Do you think I'd be making a bad choice if I took him up on that offer? I think I could spend SO much more time on me and working through what I need if he weren't around. I'm not good at detachment yet and I'm trying to learn this new way of living - but I'm so distracted when he's around...
Has anyone else saved their marriage through temporary separation? Did it really help?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by JustMeInWI 
Has anyone else saved their marriage through temporary separation? Did it really help?
L
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
I believe that all things are possible if both are given space and stick to giving each other just that space...
In my situation the space was never given and it ended up destroying us-however as LaTee I gained a great deal of my sanity back which meant getting my life back, peace and serenity. I did what I needed to do for me, no longer for him!
In my situation the space was never given and it ended up destroying us-however as LaTee I gained a great deal of my sanity back which meant getting my life back, peace and serenity. I did what I needed to do for me, no longer for him!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
One of the biggest surprises I experienced during my AH's decades long struggle with alcoholism, was that once my AH had finally stopped drinking and actually admitted for the first time he was an alcoholic after so many years of problems and daily drinking and was at last truly committed becoming sober.... was the surprise that he remained very difficult to be around during his early sobriety. He could be moody, mean spirited and self absorbed ... despite the fact he was going to AA at least once a day and seemed very committed to changing his life and restoring our family.
I did some research and realized when he first stopped drinking, he was going through what is sometimes referred to as a 'dry drunk' and found out that it can take up to 6 months for the recovering alcoholic to physically and mentally heal from the effects of alcohol. Recovering alcoholics are going through a lot .... and when added to the mix is a spouse that is understandably guarded and angry from years of broken promises and unacceptable behaviors ... it is a recipe for further disappointment and confusion.
Recovering alcoholics are struggling trying to find themselves again, to physically cope with withdrawal and cravings and deal with many issues they kept buried in a alcoholic haze for years ... and their spouses need time to heal and trust once more. Neither one is in a good position to be at their best for rebuilding their relationship at this point ... so living apart is sometimes be the best solution.
My AH had been living apart from our family before seeking sobriety .... and I soon realized that he needed to continue living elsewhere during his early recovery. The last thing we needed was to be distracted by ongoing anger and confusion to add to all the other past issues we had to recover from. It took my husband almost a year of sober recovery to get back to the man that I married years ago ... and we finally had a very good year after that our family shared together, that my children finally got to see their father as the man he truly was ... and experienced a good life for the first time in years unaffected by alcohol. Unfortunately, our story did not have a happy ending - hopefully your story will end differently.
I did some research and realized when he first stopped drinking, he was going through what is sometimes referred to as a 'dry drunk' and found out that it can take up to 6 months for the recovering alcoholic to physically and mentally heal from the effects of alcohol. Recovering alcoholics are going through a lot .... and when added to the mix is a spouse that is understandably guarded and angry from years of broken promises and unacceptable behaviors ... it is a recipe for further disappointment and confusion.
Recovering alcoholics are struggling trying to find themselves again, to physically cope with withdrawal and cravings and deal with many issues they kept buried in a alcoholic haze for years ... and their spouses need time to heal and trust once more. Neither one is in a good position to be at their best for rebuilding their relationship at this point ... so living apart is sometimes be the best solution.
My AH had been living apart from our family before seeking sobriety .... and I soon realized that he needed to continue living elsewhere during his early recovery. The last thing we needed was to be distracted by ongoing anger and confusion to add to all the other past issues we had to recover from. It took my husband almost a year of sober recovery to get back to the man that I married years ago ... and we finally had a very good year after that our family shared together, that my children finally got to see their father as the man he truly was ... and experienced a good life for the first time in years unaffected by alcohol. Unfortunately, our story did not have a happy ending - hopefully your story will end differently.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I would say that my exah's refusal to separate is one of the reasons our marriage ended. I asked him to go to rehab and to not move back until he had 6 months recovery under his belt and he refused to do either, eventually I kicked him out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
My abf has been sober now for 6 months and I can say personally, for me, the key was detaching. When he stopped drinking I found myself walking on eggshells, scared to say the wrong thing in case it "made" him want to drink, was really unsure of how to act around him etc...but then after a week or so of driving myself mad I realised that just because he'd stopped drinking didn't mean I had to stop detaching or try and be someone I'm not.
You say when you're not walking on eggshells you're arguing...you don't have to argue with him, you can still do your own thing and not be a doormat without shouting about it or even explaining it...less talk, more action. If he's trying to argue with you do what you would have done if he was trying to argue with you whilst drunk....i.e. leave the room, do something for yourself, ignore him etc..
There will come a time to have "the talk" but shouting about it is doing neither of you any good, so why bother...
Just because he's sobered up and is working on his recovery doesn't mean that everything will be perfect over night...I made the mistake of thinking it would be and then when he quit I was like "Is this it?"...It does get better but it takes longer than 5 weeks....we're at 6 months and we've still a long way to go but I'm alot happier now than I was when he was 5 weeks sober...let him do his thing and you do yours and you'll come together eventually. x
You say when you're not walking on eggshells you're arguing...you don't have to argue with him, you can still do your own thing and not be a doormat without shouting about it or even explaining it...less talk, more action. If he's trying to argue with you do what you would have done if he was trying to argue with you whilst drunk....i.e. leave the room, do something for yourself, ignore him etc..
There will come a time to have "the talk" but shouting about it is doing neither of you any good, so why bother...
Just because he's sobered up and is working on his recovery doesn't mean that everything will be perfect over night...I made the mistake of thinking it would be and then when he quit I was like "Is this it?"...It does get better but it takes longer than 5 weeks....we're at 6 months and we've still a long way to go but I'm alot happier now than I was when he was 5 weeks sober...let him do his thing and you do yours and you'll come together eventually. x
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
