At what point do you stop
 

My son is 15 years old and he is going to be a sophmore in highschool.

At what point do you stop, lecturing and getting on their case about things that they are suppose to do.

IMO, he is old enough to do what he is suppose to do, homework, practices and just basic things he knows that he is responsible for.

I am constantly on his case during the school year, (do you have homework, are you missing any assignments) this is daily thing, every single day.

They have this program at school where you can log in and check daily if he is missing any assignments, you know what his grade is, and you also know the percentage of what the class recieved. (so he cant say the whole class did bad)

any assignments that are in red, he didnt turn in.

I am dreading when school starts, his grades last year were all passing but he could have done alot better if he would have turned everything in. It drives me crazy knowing his potential and seeing what his grades are.

He was on a team sport last year, and he knows that he had practice 5 days a week after school and cut a couple of practices and pretended he was there to me. I found out at one of the games from another parent that they were going to pitch him, but since he cut practice they benched him. I would have never have known he cut practice if one of the kids didnt tell there parents that he isnt pitching because he was not at practice. He was over to his bf house, who was on the same team but was out on injury for most of the season.

I have 3 teens too and I have found the natural consequences are enough. I used to ride my kids as well, but stopped when the natural consequences were happening.

So now he knows if he doesn't go to practice he won't pitch....his consequence. If he doesn't keep up his grades he has to go to summer school to make it up. His choices.

I know its hard and I fight my codie behavior all the time.

I stopped with my daughter (15yo, junior in hs this year) when I realized all my lecturing was doing no good. We were both in counseling for about a year after her father and I split up, and during that time I learned that I take on other's responsibilities, not just the A. It's even more difficult to stop being codependent with my own kids, but I am getting there.

My daughter is a talented art student who has dreams of studying art in Italy, or somewhere in Europe. I admire her courage, but her ambition is sometimes less than stellar. She sometimes skips school, doesn't turn in homework in other classes (besides art :)), and generally just does the "bare minimum" to get by. I sat her down last year and told her that I enthusiastically support her dream of going to college abroad. I also showed her bank statements and the college savings plan balance which I set up a couple years ago. I explained to her that I cannot finance a four-year education in Europe (or the US for that matter, lol). If she wants to realize her dream, she is going to have to work hard at it. Apply for scholarships, aid, possibly even work while in school. I also explained to her that many students apply for these things and only the top few get them. She understood how her attitude of mediocrity could be hurting her chances of realizing her dream.

Last time she skipped school, she came to me and told me how sorry she was. I told her "no skin off my nose, it's your future." Her attitude is slowly changing. I helped her connect the dots from her performance right now to what she wants in life. She is starting to see the big picture. And I am no longer the one she feels beholden to. She is becoming accountable to herself.

L

If he doesnt keep up on his grades and he has to go to school summer school, it costs me $240.00 per class that he needs to take.

That is alot of money per class and the parents end up paying for it in the end, or you wont go to summer school and not graduate with his class do to his poor choices.

Sometimes consequences are tough. And sometimes, that's the only way we learn...............

L

My son so far has not skipped school that I know of, but he just turned 15 and he is going to be a sophmore and I so see this happening. I get a phone call between 6:00 and 8:30 in the evening and it goes to my cell phone to let me know if he misses class or not.

I recieved two last year, but I talked to the teachers and it was their error. One of them I really question if it was the teachers error or not. The teacher gave him the benefit of the doubt since he has never missed her class before.

I made my daughter pay for the summer school class herself. There is only so much you can do. That was 2 years ago and she hasn't done it since.

Cassey ...we could be writing each others life story...I have a 16 year old with the same mo...bright kid, alot friends, great potential...but no initiative. Doesn't even do the bare minimum lately. Summer school would of cost me $300.00. I decided not to enroll him after talking with counselor (enough credits for junior standing due to his attending summer school prior to freshman year and again last summer). I have to let him learn that there are consequences for his actions. I even took away driver's ed sophomore year...not enough incentive???!! Has his friends drive him around. We have been talking daily and I have told him that he will graduate if it takes him until he is 30. I too have the ability to check grades and assigments daily. My sister, who teaches at the same high school says I should let him "fall on his face". Being the codie I am, DUH?...I can't let that happen. I'm hoping and praying that at some point, maturity will start to set in or he will get that "aha" moment and buckle down. In the meantime, as much as I hate to admit it, I will contiue to restrict privledges and keep on him.

I am certainly realizing that it takes a whole lot of a stronger person to let go and let god, than it takes to hang on to the same ole crap.

I am very weak, giving in, helping, making excuses. But letting go takes so much strenght I am exhausted just thinking about it.

Just like these interventions, what does the whole family have to do??? Let go and let the person take responsibility for themselves.

I need lots of duck tape, and maybe some blind folds inplace, so I cant shut my mouth, and stay on my side of the street.

He certainly would be capable of earning the money to pay for those classes wouldn't he?

I came to think that high school was a better place for my boys to start feeling the real world consequences of their choices and actions than college or whatever else came after college. Less damage to their adult life in high school than elsewhere.

How does that happen when you are sending the message that mom will always be there to take care of things?

Exactly. My brother is 39 years old and has never had that "aha" or had maturity set in. Why? My mom's always there to bail him out.

L

Cass...it's a tough one when it comes to your kids...nobody has all the right answers.

My older son John is now 23. John has cut all contact with his father because his father still refuses to understand that John is an adult and not under his father's control. Heck his father is ticked off at me because I told him that I see my role in John's life as loving mother and resource if John wants my advice, and to pay tuition. His father just cannot let go and recognize its time to let John live his life as he sees fit.

My AH and I have funded some less than stellar attempts at college, which you may face soon with your child.

One of my friends told me a plan that one of her friends used and her friend's daughter graduated from nursing school with honors.

The parents told the kid she had to pay for her own education, and then they would reimburse her at the end of each semester for C's and above. So, she knew around the age of 15 that she'd have to come up with enough money to at least pay for her first semester. She babysat and worked summers to come up with the money.

I don't believe parents should feel obligated to fund poor performance. My husband has done it, and we wasted thousands. If a kid doesn't want to go to class, doesn't want to do homework and doesn't want to study for tests, than it's time to go get a job and be an adult.

My AH kept listening to promises for better performance, and kept paying each semester. I talked to him about cutting one of them off and letting her get a taste of working fulltime, so she could go back after a semester or two off and give it a better try. But he refused and insisted on doing it his way. She works at a bookstore now. He kept paying until her performance had been bad so long that she had wasted thousands and we were both fed up at that point.

If kids at my son's middle school don't turn their work in, they are required to stay after school an extra hour on Tuesdays and/or Thursdays, and an extra two hours on Fridays. That's a pretty good motivator.

I wish as a child, my parents had talked to me about careers and given me more information about the requirements for different jobs. I had no idea. We never talked about it. My kids and I talk all the time about what different jobs pay, what is required for the positions, and the different type of lifestyles that can be afforded with different career fields.

computer, ipod, cell phone, tv, time away from house with friends, ability to get a driver's permit/license, etc. are all teens currency.

Set very clear boundaries + expectations for GPA, homework, chores, etc. and what will be taken away if he fails to meet them
If expectations not met, no arguments just things + opportunities taken away.

Your riding him and you taking respons. for finding out what is due and reminding him over and over hasn't worked and it sets up a very dependent dynamic that builds great resentments on both sides.

If you have health insur. many cover counseling. Perhaps family counseling would be
beneficial.

Today it’s you checking his homework and making sure he’s going to sports practice.

Is both your futures filled with you making sure he gets up and goes to work or makes his car payment on time?

Where does your codependency end and his life as a responsible young man begin?

Let him pay for summer school is he fails this year in school, let him not play in his sport because practice was not that important to him so he skipped it. Allow him the dignity to suffer his own consequences for his own actions and learn how to be a responsible young adult.

His behavior in missing homework assignments and skipping practice or school is not about how good or bad of a parent you are, it’s about a young 15 year old learning life lessons, if you’ll allow him.

My best friend’s son has attended summer for the 4th time this past summer. She has paid for it every year and this year she has rewarded him with a car of his own to drive himself to summer school and lesson that burdon for herself.

Nothing changes if we don’t change…………………..

As a parent, I feel it is my responsibility to guide them until they are considered adults by law (18). I can then become their "resource" person. I do know that teaching them responsibility is a big part of it. As for their education, by law I am responsible for them to attend school or be charged in court for their truancy. Allowing them to decide that they are going to drop out or make decisions that will negatively affect their adult lives is not an option. In my opinion, I don't think allowing a 15 or16 year old to make those decisions is sound.

Problem is, they still make those decisions whether you "allow" it or not. My opinion is "allowing" the natural consequences of their actions is more beneficial than preventing them.

L

I agree...when they get to a certain age and 15 or 16 just doesn't seem to be the age in my opinion.

Say they decided to drop out of school...what now??? They still live in my house and I cannot ask them to leave because by law I am still responsible for them. What are the "natural consequences" that they will suffer and not affect anyone else in the the family? I'm not trying to be challenging...I just want to know for future reference maybe...how this will be beneficial for all involved.