At what point do you stop

Old 08-13-2008, 12:02 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by theotherone View Post
I agree...when they get to a certain age and 15 or 16 just doesn't seem to be the age in my opinion.

Say they decided to drop out of school...what now??? They still live in my house and I cannot ask them to leave because by law I am still responsible for them. What are the "natural consequences" that they will suffer and not affect anyone else in the the family?
I've not had to deal with that particular situation, have you? I try to deal with real life, and not the what-ifs. So, my opinion is that my 15yo decides to skip school, the natural consequences are she will have to serve detention, and it may effect her adult life insofar as getting a scholarship, etc.

Not my job to make sure she doesn't suffer the consequences. My job is to help her see how her actions can hurt her future. Then, if she still chooses to keep on hurting her future, I will allow the consequences.

L
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Old 08-13-2008, 12:11 PM
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When I ended my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend a number of years ago, my income dropped by 50%. At that point, I sat my teenaged daughter down and told her that I could take care of our daily living expenses, but she would have to foot the bill for college when the time came.

Knowing that she only had herself to rely on, she took it upon herself to teach herself programming and web design and used those skills to start her own online gaming company at the age of 15 with the goal of raising enough money for college. Well, that small business grew and grew and the money started pouring in. Newspapers and magazines began featuring her online game and she became known in the computer gaming world long before she ever entered college. So when it came time to apply for colleges, she had her pick to choose from.

That game put her through college where she just completed her bachelor's degree in programming. And since she was paying for her own classes, she had great incentive to get good grades. She didn't want to have to pay for any classes twice. She accepted a job with a software development firm a few months before she earned her degree. At 22 years old, she's making nearly the same salary as I am, and will exceed that in no time at all.

I was one of seven children and my parents couldn't afford to send all of us to college. The only fair thing to do was to send none of us. We each had to put ourselves through school, and we did.

The moral of my story is that when parents take on responsibilities that belong to their children, they may grow into dependent adults. When parents back away and allow their children to sink or swim on their own merit, they're more likely to become self-reliant, independent adults.

Your son knows what his responsibilities are in regards to his school work and athletic activities. Let him sink or swim on his own merit. He may just surprise you.
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Old 08-13-2008, 12:12 PM
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I've not had to deal with that particular situation, have you?
Nope...that's not an option. Detentions, not handing in homework, tardiness...those are easily handed down for consequences...my thoughts referred to the more "life changing" decisions.
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Old 08-13-2008, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker View Post
Your riding him and you taking respons. for finding out what is due and reminding him over and over hasn't worked and it sets up a very dependent dynamic that builds great resentments on both sides.
This is exactly what my 15 yr olds mother does. And beyond that she would send emails to the teachers apologizing for his poor performance and promise improvements. We would go into meetings with the teachers and she would walk out with an action item list of "catch up assignments". For the last two years this approach has not worked at all. Loosing "currency" is the only thing that has worked, and even that's with marginal success.

I doubt one can micro manage/project manage an unmotivated 15 year old all the way through high school, college and adulthood. The sooner you let them suffer the natural consequences the sooner they will grow up. It's not easy, but it's necessary.
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Old 08-13-2008, 12:27 PM
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Originally Posted by theotherone View Post
Nope...that's not an option. Detentions, not handing in homework, tardiness...those are easily handed down for consequences...my thoughts referred to the more "life changing" decisions.
I find it's most helpful to post my experiences from real life. Then others can hear what worked for me in a similar situation, and decide if it might work for them.

Posting "what-if's" doesn't seem very helpful since none of us really know what we will do in a particular situtation until we are actually in that situation.

JMO,
L
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Old 08-13-2008, 01:27 PM
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Letting kids learn to take responsibility does not extend IMO to allowing them to make life changing bad choices. When my younger son did start making really bad choices that could have indeed led to jail amongst other things, his father and I stepped in and put him in a wilderness rehab school for a year. That took care of that.

But since most kids do not go that route. For my other son the right thing to was to give them as much responsibility as possible.

Making small bad choices with small negative consequences allows them to understand how their choices affect their lives and prepares them to be better prepared to make the major decisions. Kids don't learn personal responsibility when deprived of being personally responsible IMO. Way too many troubled adults never learned that particular lesson.
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Old 08-13-2008, 01:31 PM
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Great topic.

If I didn't go to Al Anon, I believe my (13 year old) daughter would no longer be living with me.

I have been told, one parents how they were parented, and my parents way of dealing with me once I hit 13 was to ship me off to live in welfare homes because they did not have the skills to parent me as a teenager.

I believe I have learnt these skills in Al Anon, these include but are not limited to

- not over reacting.
I.e. her school contacted me last week and said she's skipped a class. While my imediate reaction was one of anger, that past and I decided it would be wise to 'pick my battles'. She has never skipped school before so why do I need to freak out. I haven't mentioned it to her but stored it in my memory so if it turns into a habit, I can address it calmly.

- listening to her.
No matter how silly/bizzare her opinion is as everyone is entitled to one.
Just because I listen to her though doesn't mean I have to believe her or agree with what she's saying.

- making her feel bad for days on end for misbehaving.
If she behaves in a way I think is harmful to me or to herself I deal with it then and there. I.e. take her cellphone for a week. I don't harp on about the incident, for days on end to make her feel bad. Or bring it up again and again.

I could go on forever but Al Anon has really saved my relationship with my daughter 150%. Long may it last.

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Old 08-13-2008, 07:36 PM
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My older son (21) was also a kid that could have done well at school. He set his goal as doing the least amt needed to get a pass. When I was in school I thought a passing grade was a C. And that is what I told both boys but someone at the high school let them know that a D was enough to get credit. I was very lucky that summer school does not cost extra here. That kid went every summer. He want to communtiy college after high school, he was not able to complete a program that would have gotten him an AA and a job a Cat as a mechanic. He did get far enough that he is working as a mechanic. There is a God ,I am sure ,because my son now has a union job and the union takes care of most of the things I worried about, (insurance etc) don't think he actually sees a dentist or doctor but at least he can. Parked behind him at a family gathering, the registration tag on his pickup says 2007. Same kid, not doing the home work. Some nice police officer will remind him at some point. I don't have to any more. It does get a little easier once they are 18
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