Babyo622

I have one question, why does my exALBF think that he is a good person after all the heartache that he caused me?

He called me drunk over the weekend, telling me he loves me etc. It has been a month of no contact and I replied with a email telling him how dare you call me after all you have done, we are over and have been over for months etc. I know it was wrong to reply but he has not right to enter my world again…..Who does he think he is?

I know you all read my previous threads on his behavior. He also wrote me an email back telling me he misses me and how he does not want to hear it anymore, hear about all his bad behaviors from the past and that he is a good person.

OMG!!! I mean am I crazy, is he really a good person and I just do not see it? I mean he was helpful sometimes and he does not kill people or steal but does that make someone a good person? I thought virtue, honesty and having integrity made you a good person.......

Do all alcoholics think that they are good people but just do bad things? To me he is selfish…….

Startingover2

I think I am married to the same man!

He doesn't want to hear it either. His famous phrase is 'the past is the past'...my response is 'yes it is, but you keep bringing the past mistakes into the present over and over again'.

Babyo622

I could not agree more. It is as if they want to make the mistakes repeatedly but take no responsibility from them besides saying the famous words of “I’m Sorry” It makes me so mad and it is very hurtful. To me I feel sometimes like they use the alcoholism as a way to do what they please. My ex says that he is sick so stop yelling at him, it is not his fault etc…… What your life’s choices are not your fault, then who’s are they?

I just want to know can this disease really make them the lying, cheating, selfish person that they present. How can this disease cause this much drama. No other disease hurts people….

LucyA

Maybe they are mostly good people, just caught too deep in their addiction to show their good sides often enough for us to believe it, I dunno, just a thought.

Barbara52

Being wrapped up and stuck in alcoholic behaviors does not mean someone is not a good person. Its means their alcoholism has a strong hold on them.

I konw that beneath the bad choices, the refusal to take responsibility, the denial of his alcoholism, my xAH is a good man. Unfortunately, that good man is lost at this point in time and perhaps struggling to get out.

I have found that trying to put labels such as good and bad on people is not terrribly productive for my well being. I found that when I was trying to put those labels on others it was part of my wanting to feel superior to them for my choices and a means of avoiding looking at my own flaws. I am not superior to those folks. I live by different standards and actions. But I think we are all pretty much equal underneath. (With the exception of those who murder or harm children and other similar things.)

Let his comment go. What he says and thinks aren't important to who you are, are they?

dolphingal1971

I so agree. They think what they do is not wrong at all, but WE are the ones with so many problems that make us the sorriest, humans on earth. [sarcastic smile].

Barbara52

I'll only note that we often do have problems as serious and problem causing as the A in our lives. I know when I realized that and began understanding how and why I was contributing to my bad situation I began to find my way out. My own choices led to most of my unhappiness and misery.

Babyo622

It is just hard for me to understand how such a disease can effect someone in such a horrible way. I mean other diseases mainly effect the person who has it. (cancer etc) Other outside people are effected but are not hurt or emotionally r*pped by a sick loved on. My ex seems to do and say whatever he wants to and then blames the bottle for all the mistakes. How do we not know that these alcoholics only use thier disease as a way to live a life free of consequences............ like the ultimate manipulation tool (being drunk)

LaTeeDa

That is why I base my boundaries on behavior. I don't care if someone treats me badly because they are an alcoholic, because they had a tough childhood, because they have cancer, because their shoes are too tight, or what. I no longer accept the unacceptable from others--period.

L

lizw

I have found that I can ask why is he like that or does he do that, till the cows come home, but there is no logical excuse/reason because alcoholism/addiction is not a logical disease.

For example, in the AA rooms they say: "Alcoholism is the only disease that I know of that tells you, you don't have a disease."

I think for myself, the 'why question' I need to ask and focus on is: "Why did I get into or stay in a relationship with someone who abused/abuses me?"

When I'm honest with myself, I had a ton of 'problems' before meeting my A's, which include the harmful behaviour I learnt in my crazy munster type family.

:bounce

Babyo622

I do not answer the phone and it was my mistake to send him an email. However, I was do upset that he thinks he still has the right to contact me still and drunk as well. I guess this whole ordeal really affected me on such a deep level. As for looking at my own issues and my past. I can see now that I try excessively hard to please the men that I am with. I please them so much that it takes away from my own identity and from what I want and need. Lesson learned now, I just wish my heart would catch up to my mind. My heart still cries for what never could be.

PS I am also scared that one day down the road he may get sober and call me again, then what?

ToughChoices

You can make that decision when, and if that happens.
Focusing on what is going on NOW, instead of what might, perhaps, happen someday in the future helps me to make choices that are in my best interest.

If he finds recovery (as evidenced by more than just him claiming to be sober), you can decide whether communicating with him would benefit you.

Take care.
-TC

rivka

hi Babyo62,

UGH. This guy is the same A we all have in our lives.
We have rationalized our codependence as " well, he is a good guy and i'm just trying to be supportive".

I had a recent post, and got some fantastic feedback, and also vented a bit....so I'll give you the link....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...he-s-mean.html

and another one I posted about being treated badly....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1828669

Sharing the feedback from others, and sharing the angst....to help you move forward.

It's actually getting a bit better (won't say "easier", but able to manage the obsession, hurt, pain, etc a bit more, and can see it coming on...)

The support of this SR family is like the "force field of positive energy" we need to prepare us for those eventual calls, so we can be open and honest, but know our boundaries, and accept being treated as we deserve, and nothing less.

((hugs))

rivka

justsomegirl

"I just wish my heart would catch up to my mind".

I can't believe I just read that. I have said that over and over. and yet here I am by myself again while he's out drinking and getting stoned. I feel empowered here ( i hope thats the word) I feel like my thoughts and feelings are justified. Im not wrong in feeling the way I feel. I realize I can only control myself and my actions but it still doesnt make the situation any easier. I too often feel ripped off. My husband says were so in love so we can't break up but I don't have the companionship I want and need. I wish i was tougher.

bookwyrm

(((justsomegirl)))
You are strong - you have to be living with an A! I realised that I'm stronger than I thought - my AH has been relying on my strength for years and I have spent myself supporting him. Once you decide to put the focus firmly on you, you will be amazed at how strong you really are!! :ghug3

bookwyrm

Baby, I know what you mean. (just re-read that and it seems like a corny pick up line!!)

My AH wants the world to think he's a good guy. He won't take responsibility for anything. He blames me for his drinking, the break up etc etc. He has a victim mentality and a strong sense of entitlement - everyone owes him! According to him, he has done nothing wrong!! The verbal abuse is me overreacting, his 'other woman' is probably my fault too. He isn't an alcoholic, he's just a bit depressed and I can't handle it when he is ill, he got no support from me. He is a poor hard done to innocent. He truly believes this and it trying to get me to believe it too!

Blondie

My AH always says very sarcastically--"why am I always the bad guy?" In his mind the world is like an old western: The good guys (him and his drinking "friends") and the bad guys (everyone else, including me).

I think all alcoholics feel this way because then they are always right and good in what they do, at least in their own mind. It protects them from taking responsibility for anything--including past mistakes in relationships. Maybe he's calling you again to prove that he was the good guy (at least in his mind) and you are the bad guy (the one responsible for all the mistakes), at least in his own mind. You can write a book the size of War and Peace to explain what went wrong in the relationship, but he will still deny it so he doesn't have to take responsibility. It's like talking to a brick--the words will just bounce back at you and it is just a waste of your time and energy.

respektingme

Been there, done that. Got the t-shirt to prove it, lol. My AH also is very much concerned with how others view him. He's often asked me for reassurance that he is a good person or has a good heart. And I think he really does, he just is an alcoholic. I'm sort of the opposite. I only really care about the opinions of my closest friends and they know me so I don't have much to prove.

So, the crux of the problem in my mind is.......

The alcoholic thinks about himSELF.

The codependent thinks about the alcoholic.

When was the last time you sought validation from your exALBF that you are a good person? When was the last time you blamed him for your bad behavior?

We're too wrapped up in helping the wounded A's in our lives feel better about themselves to think about how we feel about ourselves.

I could lose 40 lbs. I need to lose 40 lbs. I would like to lose 40 lbs. But I get so wrapped up in my AH's addiction to pay much attention to my eating habits. He gets drunk, I get depressed and I eat. I'm fuming that he's drunk and stuffed to the gills on french fries.

And about the definition of a "good person". That is probably a debate that could last for all eternity. I think a good person doesn't set out to harm others or take from others. Has to do with intentions.

respektingme

I think my AH seeks validation that he's a good person because he has a low self-image, not because he feels justified in his drinking. I think very often he hates himself when he's active. And I think that is why he needs approval from everyone around him, to convince himself that he's not as horrible as he believes.

Babyo622

You are all right, he has asked me more then once if he a good person, then before I can answer him he yells out I am a good person always have been. But to me a good person does NOT DO BAD THINGS! Plus they know that the alcohol makes them do these bad things so you would think they would stop and get help. How many times does someone in their life have to tell you that you hurt people before you do something about it? But when my ex was sober for the few short weeks he called me and said I hate being sober all of the bad things and memories of what I did to everyone comes back and I can't handle it. So you see they are very weak people, they can't handle life. It must be in their genes to be a weak sole. He also said that he has been drinking for so long that it comforts him, he was like drinking takes away all the pain and blocks out what I can't handle. He was like I love to drink but I know I can't. So to me he is so not ready to live a sober life. WOW!! since the age of 14 and now 36, half of a lifetime wasted........Maybe he does call me to prove that he is good and I was wrong to leave. But he tells me calls me because he thinks about me everyday, loves me and misses me. I tell go harrase all his other women and leave me alone. I don't get it, he had other women when we were together so why doesn't he just go with them and get out of my life........