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Question about detachment

Old 08-13-2008, 08:55 AM
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Question about detachment

I have read a lot about detaching and have tried to put it into practice, but I seem to have trouble with not going to an angry place. I think that getting myself to an alanon meeting will help. For an example of my struggles....last night AH called and said he could not take our son to practice because he'd "had a beer or two". He said it in a "so there you will have to take him" tone. I said I would be happy to take him, left work a little early and thought that was the end of it. Son got in the car and proceeded to tell me that his dad is worthless and irresponsible (words he came up with on his own because I do not talk bad about AH in front of the kids), and that his dad tried to get his brother to go to the store with him but brother refused to get in the car with anyone who has been drinking. I get angry and do not speak to AH for the rest of the evening......not exactly the kind of detaching I planned. Does it just take practice? How much damage is all of this doing to my children? When does a person get to the place where they feel like they can actually make a decision? Sorry for all the questions. I'm feeling more and more sad/angry/frustrated all the time. I guess that could be good because 2 months ago I was feeling nothing at all.
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Old 08-13-2008, 10:22 AM
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((((((((((((((blessed4x))))))))))))))
Hopefully you can get to a place of clarity about what to do.
Many have walked in your shoes here and have come out on the other side.

If you want your life to be different, the changes will need to begin with you.
We say. "Nothing changes if Nothing changes"

Even though you don't talk bad about Dad in front of the kids, talking about the situation instead of a home of secrets could be extremely beneficial for them.

Make slow but steady changes to improve the emotional health and environment for yourself and the kids.
Talking your situation through at Al-anon and finding an alanon sponsor to work the program would be a good step.
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Old 08-13-2008, 10:26 AM
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I can say it is doing damage to your children, what kind and how badly is unknown. But it is impossible to grow up in an alcholic household without their being damage. If you cannot find ways to make changes for your own sake, perhaps you can find the motivation in trying to do what is best for the kids?
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Old 08-13-2008, 10:32 AM
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I agree, damage is being done to your children and both of you are responsible for that not just the alcoholic but the enabling partner who remains in the unhealthy situation.

What about alateen for your kids, they need an outlet for their own anger/sadness/frustration they must have towards the both of you.
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Old 08-13-2008, 10:33 AM
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Feelings of anger are our psyche's signal to us that something is not right. Something needs to change. If I ignore the signal and make no changes, the anger becomes resentment. Living with resentment made me into someone I didn't like.

Anger can be like fuel for the engine--getting me started and moving in a different direction. But, it can also be toxic if I just "learn to live with it" and don't do anything about it.

L
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Old 08-13-2008, 11:32 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
If I ignore the signal and make no changes, the anger becomes resentment.
Thank you for giving me words for this. It is resentment that I'm feeling and it is becoming toxic. It is important for me to hear what my part is in all of this. I want my kids to see a strong woman who is able to make decisions and not a victim.

At this point in time I don't see that I will ever be the person that can live with AH and detach in love, the end of our relationship seems eminent, but I still can't see how to get from here to there. I guess maybe it's wanting to get from here to there without going through the pain, which also sounds crazy because it's been nothing but pain for a long time now.
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Old 08-13-2008, 11:43 AM
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Blessed, you sound as though you are going through the motions of acceptance and grief. anger is an important part of that, it needs to be felt and processed, it doesn't go away if ignored, as I am learning and I did not even think I was deliberately ignoring it!

Detaching does get easier with practice. however detaching does not mean accepting unacceptable behaviour. Nothing changes if nothing changes as they say, and it is very true.

Your AH will not change his ways until he is ready to. So for the unforseeable future this is what your life and your children's life will be like. Only you can decide if that is ok with you. You can practice detaching, you can get the kids to Ala-teen to help them learn how to cope, you can heal yourselves and build tools to help you through.

But... Do you want to have your kids learn how to cope with this? I decided that I wanted more for my daughter and myself. She learnt that my abf was unreliable, that she could not count on him for support, to be there when she needed him, he would not play with her, he was an endless teaser always irritating her. She did not like to be with him alone for too long, would usually come to se where I was and what i was doing.

You will be ready to make the changes you need when you are ready, as funny as that sounds, it just happens at a different time for all of us.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 08-13-2008, 11:53 AM
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At this point in time I don't see that I will ever be the person that can live with AH and detach in love, the end of our relationship seems eminent, but I still can't see how to get from here to there. I guess maybe it's wanting to get from here to there without going through the pain, which also sounds crazy because it's been nothing but pain for a long time now.
Wow...thanks for summing it up for me. I exist exactly the way you described it. Too much water under the bridge. Does make detaching easier for me though...with love would be much harder! I feel sorry for him now...sad about what once was.

I have set up boundries that seem to be working so far...and I will continue to move froward to my goal of a more peaceful and livable life for me and mine.

Lily's right....
You will be ready to make the changes you need when you are ready, as funny as that sounds, it just happens at a different time for all of us.
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