Little taste of freedom

Old 08-13-2008, 03:25 AM
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Little taste of freedom

AH left the house on Sat evening and moved in with his mum who arrived to take him away. He was very drunk, very teary and feeling very sorry for himself. I got a bit emotional too - he used to be my best friend after all and we have been together 18 years!

Sunday, I knew I had the house to myself. I indulged in things I wouldn't normally have done if he was here. I relaxed, felt all the tension go in my shoulders. I chilled out and it was wonderful! I didn't just laze around, I got a few odds n ends done around the house too - stripped his bed, tidied, cleaned away a lot of his stuff etc. The peace was wonderful.

Anyway, you all know this is just too good to last, don't you? He's been gone 4 days and has communicated with me more than he did when he was staying here!! Each time, he leaves me angry and upset and I let myself stew on it for the rest of the day.

I just can't seem to stop feeling all this stuff! I don't react to him when I talk on the phone/reply to his emails. We do need to communicate because we still have to sell the house (he'd like me to buy him out and I'm giving it serious thought) and divide up the contents. When we do talk though, he seems to be in some sort of delusional land... He uses the phrase ' I expect we'll be grown ups about this' when he's about to make a totally unreasonable statement - for example, assuming I buy his share of the house, he will take some of his stuff when he rents a flat and then, in a year or two, once he has decided where he wants to stay (read - if things work out with his new lady love or not) he'll come back and pick out some more things!!! :wtf2

How I feel doesn't register with him. He seems to have no concept of the pain and grief he has caused me and was a bit suprised when I said that I would probably want at least a few months of no contact once everything was settled - this year has been hell and I need to recover.

Am I supposed to hang about and wait for him to try out his new life so that if he doesn't like it he can just come back???

I don't think so. I'm done.

I just need to try and work on my detachment. I need to let go of the anger and anxiety I feel every time I hear from him so that I don't ruin my day! Help!
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Old 08-13-2008, 05:01 AM
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(((((Bookwyrm)))))

Firstly, congratulations on getting free!!!

I remember when I first split up from the abf, he called me every day and every time I got off the phone I felt drained and upset. After a week or so, he stopped calling every day, it went down to maybe once a week, and now I don't speak to him very often at all, its only on a need to talk basis to sort out joint debts.

You are fresh from the battle so to speak at the moment, and so the wounds are still open. As time goes on you will feel stronger. The peace at home begins to be expected and the anxiety and panics of how it was disperse. This was how it was for me. When we first split I was still a bunch of nerves, the slightest noise would make me jump out of my skin, but after a few weeks my nerves got stronger.

Try to keep converstaions strictly business in nature, avoid being pulled into any thing that makes you uncomfortable. You are alright to say that you are not prepared to talk about this and that, or even to end the call if you feel it is getting off track - take care of you!

It is a slow process, I am still healing now 6 months later, and I cannot say when I will be healed fully, if I ever can be. However time does help, keep working your recovery, keep focused on what you need to do for you.

When you are ready to deal with things you will know. In the meantime, just keep being gentle with yourself, posting and reading.

Love and serenity to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 08-13-2008, 05:16 AM
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Its good that you have the beginnings of the peaceful feelings that can be yours.

When I was in the midst of the mess of divorce and selling the house, I kept all contact to a minimum and insisted it deal only with the issues at hand. I cut off conversations that did not fall under the category of business. I actually kept it to emails only after the initial face to face discussion on selling the house. Our real estate agent was the one to relay the necessary information.

Set your boundaries and keep to them. He will come to respect them (mostly) if you are firm in your response. Tell him how you want things to go. Write up lists of what you want from the house, what you propose he gets. Set time limits for responses or actions. You can get thru all this.
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Old 08-13-2008, 06:53 AM
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You don't HAVE to talk to him or text him back every time. There is no point in trying to make sense of anything they say or do. If you continue to have regular contact with him he will think that he can come back. My ex moved out the furniture we agreed on but then tried to leave all his clothes and personal items (I threw them in bags and made him take them). I wish I could do no contact but we have a 14 year old son. My ESH is to just discuss just what is necessary and nothing else.
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Old 08-13-2008, 07:03 AM
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It's also kinda pointless to be conversing about what might happen two years down the line...just think of it as quacking and give the "uhuh" response and get off the phone as quickly as possible. Don't be surprised when he tells you what he thinks/wants, inside the alcoholic mind anything is possible and something that sounds completely out of order to you may seem perfectly logical to him.

You liked the peace, do what you have to to preserve it.

Nat x
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Old 08-13-2008, 07:37 AM
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Hi

My suggestion would be: write down what he is taking and what you are keeping. What ever is on his list goes with him at that time, there should be no coming back to get more.

If your places were reversed, he wouldn't allow you to come back and sort thru things to get more, so I don't think he should be allowed to do that either.

If there aren't any kids involved once this is over there shouldn't be any reason to talk to him and if kids are involved the only contact should be about them and nothing else. I know, easier said than done, as my thread last night proves but it is a nice thought.LOL
:ghug3
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Old 08-13-2008, 08:06 AM
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I am sorry you are going through this, ending are never easy but there are some things we can do for ourselves to lesson that hurt and pain.

I think you have a good idea about detaching because once you do your anxiety will begin to lesson.

You said you are seriously thinking about buying him out. I’d give myself time to think that through and end contact with him until you have reached a decision. You don’t have to answer your phone or even open his e-mails. Keep it simple and tell him not to contact you and in 30 days or 60 days (what ever you decide) you will have an answer for him about what YOU want to do with the home.

It’s hard truly thinking about what we want when they are in communication buzz. As you said he’s communicating more now then he ever did when you were together. You may need all that communication to stop so you can give yourself some time to decide what you want.

He doesn’t seem to be making much sense anyway.

I know for me when I divorced I wanted to keep my house and keep things as normal as I could for my kids. I changed things in my home so it was my home instead of our home if you know what I mean. In the long run too many bad memories even with all my changes and I no longer wanted to be there. I kind of stayed unhappy and miserable for 18 months until I sold that house and moved into MY own home.

I think if I had listened harder to what my friends were telling me I would have sold the house right away which would have broken that chain of communication with my ex and moved on to my new life right away.

Give yourself time and give yourself peace until you are ready to move on to a new life or resolve this one.
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Old 08-13-2008, 08:38 AM
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Bookwyrm

(((((hugs))))) and prayers for your continued strength on this journey! I am so glad you got a taste of the peacefulness that you have made possible for yourself...it will still be a bumpy road ahead but keep that serene feeling safe inside you!!
Peace,
B.
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Old 08-13-2008, 02:09 PM
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Thanks everyone!

He really doesn't make a load of sense any more - so I think I will tell him I don't want any contact for a few weeks, just till I get my head sorted and work on my detachment. Its difficult right now because I'm aware that this is still his house too!
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