justsomegirl

So as it is most evenings Im sitting in the house by myself and he is in the garage drinking with his buddy that sold him his pot for the week. Why do I feel so lonely and so angry still.
Im wondering if I am wrong in thinking that married couples spend time together. He always says we have the rest of our lives to hang out with eachother. But I would like to hang out now, not later. He is starting the ball rolling in getting help but I still can't help feeling angry that I am alone so often. I spemd alot of time with my girlfriends but they are all married and spend time with their husbands. How do you decide to end it? How do you decide if it isnt really that bad? Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs but I know he will still not hear me.

Barbara52

All I can say is that I would not find it acceptable for my husband to spend time drinking and getting high in the garage or anywhere else. In fact I didn't find it accpetable and since now xAH wouldn't even admit to being an alcoholic, I left and divorced him.

Some married couples spend lots of time together, some do not. But your question is not so much not spending time together is it? Its that you don't find his activities when away from you to be unacceptable. Only you can decide what you want to do about that.

Chic

Yeah, I'm lonely. But at least I have my sanity (I think) since I left. Still have bad times, but at least I know I made it. Hang in there & I will keep you in my thoughts.

Barbara52

I also find that being on my own is much less lonely than when I was in a dead marriage. The loneliness I felt most of my marriage was much more deadly to my well being than anything I feel now.

Redheadsusie

I am alone every single night and I am married to an AH who also smokes weed! Either he is on the boat every night or goes to bed by 7 as he is tired (Actually just doesn't want to be awake if he is not smoking or drinking ) ! We do nothing together. I take that back- he rode bikes with me tonight and told me I should be grateful. Saturday night while my AH was at beach getting drunk with other family members (they were couples though and all drink together) - I went to Putt Putt and Friendlys with my sons (19 and 16). They met me after work at Water Country where they are lifeguards. I can honestly tell you that date was by far the best date I have had in years. My sons are spectacular- they love me to death as I do them- and we laughed and talked and hung out and just were together. We talked about their wonderful girlfriends and the old times when I raised them alone and how much fun we always have. They hug me all the time and make me smile as I am so proud of them. I raised them ..pat..pat pat...on my back! As I sit here alone- as they are at work again- I remember the times with them - that make this life right now liveable. Spend time with friends and ones that make you happy. My dogs give me more love than my AH. One day when I have the strength and my ducks in a row - I will go..until then .. I work...play with my greyhound.....hang out with my kids.....ride my bike.....dream and know that this too one day will pass. Much peace to you and do something special for yourself. You deserve it. Now I made myself cry damnit!
:ghug

CarolD

How about starting night classes in something you find interesting?
Even better...
improve your working skills with the goal of being independent.

If he is drinking and drugging ...exactly what kind of recovery
is he telling you he's doing?

Blessings

LaTeeDa

So what you want is to spend time together. What he wants is to drink and smoke in the garage.


How I decided was when I realized that what I wanted in a marriage and what he wanted in a marriage were two entirely different things. See above.

L

atalose

Not to sound mean but how exactly is he starting the ball rolling in getting help if he’s out in the garage drinking and buying pot for the week?

You ask, “how do you decide if it isn’t really that bad?” your alone in your marriage, you feel sad because you are alone. You want what you see other COUPLES having and don’t want to wait until someday, you want that today. You are the only one who can decide if it’s really that bad and can continue to deny and stuff down your own feelings while he is out in the garage drinking and smoking pot.

You can continue to hold onto your angry which will only grow. You can continue to feel envy of those other COUPLES or you can help yourself become strong enough to stick to what you want out of life and deserve. Have you tried ala-non meeting for yourself?

FormerDoormat

When I found myself lonely most nights even with my partner at my side, when I found the majority of my days were miserable and I cried more often than I smiled, when I joined a forum like SR in search of relief from my pain was when I decided it was time to end my relationship.

Eventually I realized that my relationship with my boyfriend ended the moment he began to love alcohol more than he loved me. That means it was over long before I joined this forum.

SugarLily

I spent many many many nights feeling lonely when I was with my ex. Let me tell you - it was unbelievably damaging to my self esteem that he would rather sit in a pub with a load of old men than be home with me.

My confidence shattered, I started thinking there must be something wrong with me. I would still go out with girlfriends but mostly spend each night crying and complaining about how low I felt.

As another poster said - some couples spend a lot of time together - others don't. It sounds like he's happy with his situation at the moment. You sound like you aren't. You really need to be able to make a compromise somehow.

I feel for you I really do. I left my ex because he became aggressive. Those first couple of weeks completely alone were upsetting, but then I realised I didn't really have him here when he was here.

I wish you the best. Take some time out and treat yourself to something that makes you feel good.

Best Wishes x x

AWEDA

My husband spent years in the garage drinking.
I filled my life with my friends and children.
when he became violent,I knew we had to escape the madness.

All I ever wanted was a family,a loving husband who wanted to spend
time with me and our kids..

After his 3rd stint in rehab he came home and drank the same night.
I was devastated,all the love I had for him left that night.
It took me another year to truly break free.

Looking back,and with the help of these wonderful people on here
the real question was why did I allow someone to treat me and our children like this.

Alot of soul searching helped me see I really had a problem with the way I saw myself.Thinking It was okay for someone to treat me this way,was huge in me finding help.

Hugs to you,you deserve so much better for your life.

And him looking into getting help is just to pacify you for the moment.
Believe me I heard it more times than I can count.

SugarLily

I ask myself that each day.

cagefree

And in asking myself that exact question, (through the help of my therapist, al-anon and this forum) I was able to find the answers and began to change myself to prevent it from happening again

Tazman53

My exact question, drinking in the garage is what I spent years doing, my wife finally told me her and the kids were leavinig, she told me she loved the kids to much to let them watch thier father drink himself to death!!!!

My wife was serious, she had left her first husband due to his drinking, so when she told me her and the kids had a place all set to move into at the end of that month..... well I had a moment of clarity and I hit my bottom!

Once I knew that everything and everyone that enabled me drink was going to be gone I made a choice, continue to drink and die, or sober up. I sobered up, not all of us do, some of us continue to drink until death or we find our bottom.

CatsPajamas

I remember that awful feeling of being lonely when I was surrounded by people... and it took me awhile to have that "aha" moment. I started talking to a few people at work, a few people at church, and reaching out to some people in Al Anon. I really worked hard to cultivate some healthy friendships.

He was going to do what he was going to do REGARDLESS of what I did. I did what recovery suggested I do - keep the focus on me and not on the A. My life become fuller and richer as a result. Many years later, I am still close friends with some of those people.

Just for today, you could make a decision to do something fun for yourself, and not worry about what he's doing or not doing.

Hugs

Cats

cem001

I also find that being on my own is much less lonely than when I was in a dead marriage

Wow, B52 this hit me like a ton of bricks. I am in a "dead" marriage. More so from the accident he had 7 years ago & his depression than anything. Don't get me wrong when he was active I raised our 3 kids (now 17, 15 1/2 & 13) all by myself. I am sure to a good degree his behavior stems from his alcoholism.

Thanks for keeping us grounded.

I could sit and bitch about it, because I KNOW he's not going to change but why? I was just thinking this morning that when our kids get grown and out of the house that "something will change". Either we'll go our seperate ways or he'll get the lead out of his a** and start spending time with me.

It's a lonely life, and maybe being lonely is not what I want for the rest of my life.

Reddmax

I have the same problem. I sit in front of the TV every night, while the AW sits in front of her computer and drinks. I'm going to change my life. I'm 40, and this is no way to spend the next 40 years of my life.

Lilyflower

Amen!!!

I felt so empty within my relationship, it was as though I had been encouraged into a partnership and then abandoned in everyway I could possibly be abandoned.

I began to learn that I needed out when I began to realise that by staying in that place where I was so hollow, so alone, I was abandoning myself to the misery I felt inside.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

blessed4x

Thanks for this thread! I am new here and I thought my AH was the only one "out in the garage" drinking. I used to ask him what he was doing out there and it was always straightening the work bench, but from the looks of our garage he didn't get too far. He also uses the excuse that I won't let him smoke in the house. It is so lonely. I am surrounded by 4 active kids and have recently discovered that I hide my loneliness in all of their activities. I get to be the martyr that works all day and carts them around to sports all night. It's when I sit and hear the silence that I am the loneliest. Holidays make me feel lonely too, because I grew up with huge family gatherings, and every holiday AH is 3 sheets to the wind by mid-afternoon.....having family over would be lonely AND embarrassing.

Barbara52

blessed4x, you can choose to stop being a martyr. That doesn't mean you have to leave your marriage. But you can chance the way you are living your life so that you focus on your happiness and the well being of your children.