beingjenagain

What a great thread! I am the AW and have been sober for 4 months. Now I am left with a husband who may or may not be alcoholic. We did nothing together before except drink and little together now.Sometimes I am jealous of those miserable single newly sober women! How much nicer is would be to just start all over...but the grass always seems greener!
Being in recovery makes it hard for me to "yell' at him about drinking. Yeah I tell him I drank too but now I don't! Wish everyone luck and love and I know it will get better as long as we put our feelings and needs first!

McKrazy

I think that's probably something to ponder. It sounds like so many of us talk about should I leave and ending our marriages......
The decisions are often really just being the one to ADMIT it's over. An active alcoholic is the one that left the marriage and ended the relationship. They are having an affair (IN OUR FACES) with someone/thing they love better an choose before us.

That was what I finally decided in May and told my RAH that it looked like he needed to make a choice or that I would act on the choice he was passively making if he continued to drink. It's going well ( a couple of months), but I'm not fool enough to think that this is my happily ever after. If he starts again, I will have to face the sad truth that he is pursuing his first love and I will have to move on.

I'm sorry for your pain and lonliness. The understanding of that seems to be universal, yes? But having all of us share our pain doesn't erase yours and I hope you take some of the wise words others have shared and begin to at least pursue something you can be passionate about and find yourself surrounded by others who love and care for you DAILY, not just on special occasions!

Tazman53

Jen have you gone to alanon? I know more then one poerson in AA who is also in Alanon and they have really said it helps them.

Pajarito

I was often very lonely- and this was while STBXAH lived with me. We could be sitting on the couch together and I'd feel lonely. There was no connection. He had spent years sleeping on the couch, out in the garage, down in the basement-drinking. He didn't initiate going out either- that was up to me. I agree that couples spend varied time together- some need more than others, but I was STARVING. I have friends, a child, and am ok doing things on my own, but with this man I had never felt so lonely. It was one of the reasons I decided I couldn't go back to living with him. I finally realized we wanted very different things in our marriage. He didn't want to be bothered- not with talking to me, not with doing things in or out of the house. He wanted to be left alone to drink, watch tv and play online poker- but if he wanted sex, I better be available. Who needs it? I spent years living like that and am now working on WHY. I'm alone now, but I'm not lonely.

Only you can decide what you need. How are you going to get that? You can cultivate more friendships, go to al-anon, volunteer. . . but is that enough?

blessed4x

Thanks Barbara for pointing out that I can stop being a martyr....that's just what I'm doing, or at least working on. Old habits die hard. It has been a huge awakening for me to even realize that it was how I got my needs met. It was easy to hide in the flurry of activity and take no responsibility for looking at our relationship. Everyone was always saying "poor girl....she does EVERYTHING for those 4 kids". It's been pretty humbling to admit that on some level I liked that kind of attention. I feel sad about the harm it has done to my whole family, but am ready to move forward in healthier way. Thank you again for keeping me on track.

I'm really excited about being here at SR. I'm hopeful that one day I'll make it to a place where I can give wisdom and not do all the taking! I don't want to hijack a thread on my 2nd day here....still learning the etiquette.

FormerDoormat

Anyone who shares their story and offers others a window into life with an active addict is sharing their wisdom and helping others.

GiveLove

My first relationship with an alcoholic drug-taker was like yours. I've never known such crushing loneliness. I had four choices, really:

1) Do nothing, nothing would change, but I could feel terrible and complain and be a martyr
2) Let him attend to his first love in the garage (pot/alcohol), and build a life for myself that included friends, learning, exercise, family, being outdoors, etc., hoping that some day things would change
3) Set some boundaries with him, i.e. "this is NOT how I want to live; this is not my idea of a good marriage; we can do X, Y, and Z or for both of our sakes I'm going to have to leave"
4) Realize that the fact that he didn't want to hang out with me was a big fat sign that I was in the wrong relationship, and start making plans to build a new life, where perhaps I'd be able to meet someone I truly WAS compatible with.

You have those same four choices. There's no reason you should have to be lonely within your own marriage. That's a horrible way to live.

Good luck

sunflowerintx

Oh yes, know this feeling well! I specifically remember one night when we were getting along so well and I was really looking forward to seeing him. His buddy came by and they sat out in the driveway drinking all night. I wanted to be with him so I sat out with them for part of the time. I'd made a fabulous dinner and he didn't want to go in and have dinner. I ended up heating it up and serving it to him in the driveway. I finally went to bed and he passed out in a chair in the driveway.

I think of all the time his drinking took from our family. He would sit in his truck and listen to music, killing his battery, while the kids and I hung out.

I don't mean to sound vain, but he wasted so much precious time that he could have spent with his beautiful family. Oh well, it was his choice...

I'd rather be lonely ALONE than lonely with someone else.

isitme

OH I know this feeling so well. I'm doing the same exact thing right now. He used to just stay in the garage with his brother, but now he's gone all the time. He blames that one me too. Saying "When I was here you just went to bed early and didn't hang out anyways, so why should I be here." Up until a few days ago I took this really personally. Thinking.. gee I did do that. But NO, actually I didn't. He doesn't want me looking at or talking to any of his male friends.. so if they are all out in the garage. What am I supposed to so, bring a 2 year old out there to "hang out" when they are all smoking cigs, pot and drinking? I think not!

Now I'm doing the same thing as you OP. Wondering how bad will it have to get before I finally have the guts to let myself leave. I stuggle all the time wondering if I should just find solace in friends and my kids and build my own life and stop worring about what he's doing. But somehow that just seems like a lie. I don't want just my own life. Sure I need to do that anyway but I want my own life and a relationship life. Not just one lie built inside of another. I think once I truely stop believing his lies about what other people think of me and how it will only be the same with the next person is when I'll actually go.
Right now I still have to many "reasons" why I need to wait a little longer. Although I feel like no reason should be greater than that of my own personal happiness and life statisfaction. I'm just not that far yet.. but I'm coming!

justsomegirl

I am still learning too. But you did not hijack the thread. Every word written helps. I still can't believe how many people are in the exact same boat as I am. So many wise words and sad truths to think about.

Blondie

When I married my AH, the precher told us that we had three people in our marriage: Me, him, and God. But over the years I've come to realize that that my AH's love for the bottle squeezed out God and me. Now it is like he is married to the bottle (and his drinking buddies)--and that leaves me out.

Every marriage is different. Some couples spend time together, some do not. It comes down to what each person needs. I'm with LTD, it sounds like you both want something different at this time. It is all up to you to decide how important the need for companionship is to you and how to fill that need.

justsomegirl

So here I am sitting here lonely again tonight. I am looking so hard for answers that I decided to re-read my old posts and I found this. I started the thread in 2008 and here it is well into 2010 and I am sitting here alone with the exact same thing happening in my life. The only change is that my husband is out with a newer and younger crowd. His previous younger crowd has grown up and found partners, bought houses and grew up. He has gone younger yet again. I honeslty feel like a loser. Here I am at home alone smoking heavily becaus it makes my body feel as awful as my mind feels switching off between here and Facebook to occupy my time. Everyone else is with their husbands and I am still alone and he is still away. So for those wondering if it does get better...I guess I would have to say no...it doesn't. sigh......

Ingwer

I am asking myself the same questions.

tigger11

Justsomegirl - you still have the same choices, Sweetie. Just because things haven't changed in a while, that doesn't mean that they can't change going forward. You'll know when it's time. Meanwhile, don't beat yourself up about it. Each of us is ready in our own time.

DMC

I could have written your post. (Well, except for the pot part, but the alcohol was pretty bad)

Let me clarify. I could have written your post 7 years ago. I drug him into counseling. Didn't work. New counselor. New job (for me). New state. New home. Same thing.

As someone else put it, the loneliness was absolutely crushing.

He moved out (not of his own volition) 6 months ago. I haven't felt nearly as lonely since. And, oh yeah, since I'm not holding out hope that he might want to go do something, I don't worry about making my own plans. Even if that means sitting on the couch watching movies, it's my choice.

GiveLove summarized 4 choices. I actually did at least 3 of those, if not all 4, slowly progressing to the last. Wish I had just jumped there to begin with, but I needed to prove to myself that I'd done all I could. Now I've proven that, I've filed for divorce and my life is SO much better.

coffeedrinker

justsomegirl,

i, too, was sitting home last night feeling lonely. i thought about the things i could be doing, to fight the loneliness, and i came up with two answers:

1. i didn't really want to not be lonely. not badly enough to change something.
sometimes we (me anyway) sit with our sad feelings, because they are so big, and we are feeling powerless, and we are also feeling sorry for ourself.

2. my loneliness is perhaps more about what i wish another person would be doing.
i am wishing that my abf would wake up and deal with life in a healthier way, and see this beautiful and wonderful woman right in front of him. i think this is what the lonliness is really about.

loneliness always comes from somewhere inside. you are not receiving fulfillment in your marriage. and if nothing changes (significantly) you never will.
since it is over a year later, and things haven't changed, what are you gonna do about that?

Jadmack25

God bless

TakingCharge999

Hi!
I feel the same way remembering I've allowed an EXABF bug me at work for more than a year now. I still feel as angry as I did then, or more, because he doesn't give a damn, hasn't ever, and I still got anger and resentment against him and myself.

"Nothing changes if nothing changes"...... for them.......and for us....

TakingCharge999

Rick Warren writes in his bestseller “A Purpose Driven Life”, that rather than living like it’s the “first day of the rest of our life,” we should live like it’s the “last day of our life”.

stella27

Wow. I could have written the post at any time in the last 2-3 years. I am separated now and do get lonely, but it is not like the pain of rejection. Time after time I would beg him to talk to me or just watch what I was watching or go for a walk and I was rejected every single time. It became humiliating.