ToughChoices

Difficult? Nay, impossible.

My AH has also been diagnosed with BPD. He sees a counselor weekly, a psychiatrist monthly, and takes two daily prescription medications.
He does this because he got tired of feeling crappy - took some action and helped himself.

No amount of calm, acceptance, and validation on my part could have provided the relief from his illness that his actually doing something about it has provided.

Give yourself a break, Redd. You are not responsible for her.

-TC

Reddmax

I don't really feel responsible to her. I feel like the prey of an ambush predator. I don't know when a blow up is going to happen, or how its going to happen.

I realize that this is very co-dependent to a certain extent. I also know that this woman is dangerous.

My therapist gave me a good look at at what she called the incident chain. In other words, know matter what you do, you're going to have pain. One pain is known, the other is unknown. You need to decide which path you're going to take. I guess what I'm doing is building emotional calluses for when the hammer falls.

Redd

LaTeeDa

I agree with Anvil. It is your choice. Even if you decide to stay for now, admitting that it is a choice is empowering. Say things like "I have to....." makes you a victim. You are not a victim. The minute you admit to yourself you have power over yourself and your situation, then you have it!

L

Reddmax

You know something everyone, you're right. I'm responding because of fear. I do have choices, and I have been exercising some of them.

I just wish the credit report would get here faster. I also wish my attorney wasn't in boston this week. I'm going to continue to take steps to protect myself.

Redd

Pajarito

Ok- so back to my post above- I knew if I decided to live another minute with STBXAH I would be living in fear- caused by HIM. I chose to get out. I still have fear- we all do if we think about it. Yes- it's scary leaving and forging a new life- but it's also in YOUR own hands- not hers if you do. You don't have to wait for the hammer to fall. You can create the life you want. And it doesn't mean necessarily leaving her- you can start by doing what YOU want. Maybe leave when she rants. Go out with a friend. Go for a walk. Take in a movie. You seem to be resolved to the idea that no matter what there's pain- so why do anything. Yes- we've all heard it/experienced it. . . Life is hard. But do you want to continue to live in an unacceptable situation when you can choose not to?

LaTeeDa

But you do know WHO and several WHERE'S, right? So all you have to do is get out of the way. Don't put yourself in the line of fire and then you can stop worrying about when or how.

L

Pajarito

Just figured out what BPD is. . . borderline personality disorder. I've wondered if my STBXAH has that- maybe he's narcissistic, maybe he has ADHD. Maybe he's depressed, maybe anxiety??? I put a lot of time and energy in trying to figure him out- how to be around him so that things would go well, so he wouldn't drink. All a huge waste of time. He's an adult. I could only express my concern for his health. If he chooses not to do anything, then I can't do anything to get him help. believe me- I tried. My behavior didn't change him either. It only made ME crazy. And he doesn't get a pass- whatever his problems are. I no longer accept bad behavior- whatever the reason. It's just not ok to treat me like crap, and my life is too precious to me to continue living in a fearful, chaotic situation- especially when I can see that I'm also an adult and can choose to get out and live a peaceful life.

McKrazy

Redd,
I'm SO sorry for what you are going through.
I think it sounds like most of us have "been there" in some form or fashion and on some kind of spectrum, but that doesn't really help, does it?

I guess what others have said, would be worth supporting from my experience as well.

I know that the moment I engaged, all sanity left my situation. I would do really well at detaching and letting him have his feelings and behavior, but not supporting by entering into the dance and then one day, poof, I would "cave" and we would be right back at it as if I'd never left it alone. But it actually got worse, because I was training him to be persistant and he knew that if he baited me long and hard enough, I would eventually bite.

It's the biting that is the rough part. She owns you and you enter her game. She can now feel completely validated for her behavior because you have validated it by engaging.
Maybe the first small step could be in changing that one behavior and solely focusing on what you can do INSTEAD.
Others have suggested leaving, which is what I would suggest. But leave with a purpose and plan and leave to do something that brings you peace, passion or pleasure.

You haven't probably spent very much time pursuing your own stuff, so maybe that might be something worth doing?
I'm no expert, and we're all different, but I KNOW that no one deserves that treatment from an enemy, much less from someone you love, you presumably loves you?

So now you need to train her how to love you by first loving yourself and showing her what that looks like and setting some very clear boundaries.

I've been a student of boundaries through counseling for the past few months and would be happy to share some of the stuff I've learned.

I hurt for and with you and hope that you get some tools and support from all the responses from others that obviously care for you as well!!!!!

HopeandPrayer

I know where you are coming from.

The thing to think about is: What happens if you quit chasing her? What happens if you quit supporting her?


So what will happen if all those things are removed from the equation?

That is a big question, in my experience when I removed all those things my ex-AH knew about me and my habits, he didn't want to be married any longer. By that time I was ready to let go also for the sake of my kids. I realized that the example that I was setting for them was that no matter what someone did to me I was going to let it happen just so I could stay married and not feel like a failure at my marriage. Once I got past that part and realized that was the only reason I was still there, I was able to move on. Don't get me wrong it wasn't easy since my kids were 2 and 5, but I knew it was healthier for me and them in the long run and still proves to be true 20 yrs later, since he is still the same person he was then.

This is my experience, maybe if you remove all those support pieces for your wife it wil turn out different for you, but at least you will know if that is why she is there.

You deserve better, I really hope it all works out for you.
I will be praying for you and yours,
Barb

Reddmax

Update. I don't care anymore.

She went to her first counseling session, and her counselor told her that most of her problems were addiction based.

She came home and started drinking, and became verbally and mentally abusive. I told her this morning about the goings on last night. She didn't remember. I then got up to let the dogs out, and her purse was ringing. Guess who, the ex. I ask her what was going on, she had no idea. We talked about it more, she got mad, and blamed me.

I don't care.

Pajarito

Redd, You sound depressed. I told myself many times that I didn't care- but I did. It's hard not to. But one person can't be the only one who cares in a marriage. One person cannot do it alone. I hope you will begin to realize what a great guy you are. You deserve to be happy, to live without so much fear. (((Take care of Redd!)))

McKrazy

that's the time to quietly exit the scene to resume the conversation with a sober and sane person. Just grab your keys and take a drive. Go to a friend's house..... ANYWHERE! Talking to an alcoholic is pure insanity and opens both of you up to a world of pain and an endless discourse of things that should not be said.....

just a suggestion

Reddmax

McKrazy, that's the whole point. She was sober when we had the conversation this morning. She blames me because he called her. I simply asked why he is calling. Why can't she put a stop to it? I explained I don't like it, its inappropriate, and it shouldn't happen. She gets mad and basically says " I'm not in control of him, and you shouldn't get mad at me just because he calls", conveniently forgetting point 2 above.

I'm not really depressed. I just had something inside my head and my heart go click over the last 24 hours. I don't care what she does anymore, and she's not going to kick me around.

Redd

miss communicat

not possible.

to be sober means to be drug and alcohol-free for a longer period of time than simply overnight, it means to behave in a healthier and at least, somewhat sane manner, it includes having some spiritual fitness as well as having regard for the feelings of others.

she is not sober redd.

mckrazy is right. talking to a crazy drunk makes 2 people crazy, and 1 person tired.

Lilyflower

In my experience, this was not the best way to go. It has taken me 6 months of being single to begin to admit the violence in my relationship with my exabf.

After spending a long time getting brow beaten by my A and yelled into silent fear, I decided to come back at him stronger. It led to a violent attack of him grabbing me around the neck and pushing me backward across the room. Enraged that he would do this to me, I stood up to him again, convincing myself I would show him I was not afraid of standing up to him. It took me a while to learn and get myself out of that insanity, and many bruises and bumps too.

I seriously advise NOT going down that road with anyone, especially a person who uses intimidation as a way of control and initiating fear, they tend to escalate rather than back down.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lilyflower

Yes I agree with Miss Communicat,

It took me a long time to realise sobriety was so much more than just not having a drinkin the last 8-12 hours or however long they sleep for!

My exabf was always abusive. At anytime of the day or night. Always as soon as I said something he did not like.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Reddmax

Good points all, that's why I'm not going to engage. I'm not going play her game, and if I have to take off, then I'll take off.

I'm going to do the zen thing. When I'm hungry, I'll eat, when I'm tired, I'll sleep. If the situation demands retreat, I'll retreat. I'm not fighting, I'm going to plan my escape.

Redd

LaTeeDa

It sounds to me like you are done. I remember being in my therapist's office and saying "I can't do this anymore" in regards to trying to make my marriage work. She said to me, it sounds like you are done. The overwhelming feeling I remember from that day is relief.

L

Lilyflower

Seeing as you are going Zen..

be like water, it is tough and strong, can tear down rocks over time by its gentle ways. It is also very adaptable, fits into any container and will always stear it own course irrespective of what is happening around it.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Reddmax

Thanks lily and LTD...

I'm hurting, but I'll be okay.

Redd