Need help or suggestions please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Yardley, PA
Posts: 1
Need help or suggestions please
I am a newcomer. I am ashamed to share this, but after
one week of marriage, my new husband tells me he has
been an alcoholic. However, he says he stopped. Well, I did suspect something about him, but I thought it was me since he blamed me when things were not peaceful. He was moody, paranoid at times but he is also very charming and smart and has a good professional job. After this one week of marriage, he started to get
moody again and say mean spirited things. The fact that it happened right after we were married, hurt me so much more or maybe it was the realization now since what he said was a betrayal of trust with something I shared with him. He apologized and recognized what he said while under the use of alcohol. He is also planning to go for counseling and attend meetings. My question is what do I do with the pain that he has caused me? I know I am giving it power, and sometimes I can refuse to let it overwhelm me, but other times it creeps back inside my brain and I don't know what to do with it.
Sometimes, I will ask him to help me with it, but still feel my trust to him was betrayed. How do you ever trust these people again since they may just hit you over the head again with more verbal insults and pain? I have attended an alanon meeting and will continue to go each week. And read the literature.
My question is 1) what do I do with the pain from what he has said to me? 2) Do I stop telling him what he did that hurts me so much. It does seem terribly unfair that as an alcoholic, they have an excuse to get away with saying these horrible things to you and then I am left with it. I appreciate your advice-thanks!
one week of marriage, my new husband tells me he has
been an alcoholic. However, he says he stopped. Well, I did suspect something about him, but I thought it was me since he blamed me when things were not peaceful. He was moody, paranoid at times but he is also very charming and smart and has a good professional job. After this one week of marriage, he started to get
moody again and say mean spirited things. The fact that it happened right after we were married, hurt me so much more or maybe it was the realization now since what he said was a betrayal of trust with something I shared with him. He apologized and recognized what he said while under the use of alcohol. He is also planning to go for counseling and attend meetings. My question is what do I do with the pain that he has caused me? I know I am giving it power, and sometimes I can refuse to let it overwhelm me, but other times it creeps back inside my brain and I don't know what to do with it.
Sometimes, I will ask him to help me with it, but still feel my trust to him was betrayed. How do you ever trust these people again since they may just hit you over the head again with more verbal insults and pain? I have attended an alanon meeting and will continue to go each week. And read the literature.
My question is 1) what do I do with the pain from what he has said to me? 2) Do I stop telling him what he did that hurts me so much. It does seem terribly unfair that as an alcoholic, they have an excuse to get away with saying these horrible things to you and then I am left with it. I appreciate your advice-thanks!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Pearl,
I moved this post from the other thread so that you'll get more responses.
Welcome to SR! Others will be along soon to offer their experience, strength and hope.
Hugs
Cats
I moved this post from the other thread so that you'll get more responses.
Welcome to SR! Others will be along soon to offer their experience, strength and hope.
Hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
First, Hi & welcome. 
To answer your question, all I can say is what has helped me and that has been educating myself about alcoholism. Read the stickies at the top of the forum. Reading the books like Co-Dependant No More and Boundaries. Looking into Al-Anon meetings and going.
If I were you, and I can only surmize and guess, I think that after only one week of marriage and then finding this bombshell, I would seperate. Notice seperate - not divorce, not anything hasty, but a big enough gesture to really take a step back and evaluate my priorities without living in the midst of the alcoholic drama. I would take some time to get my head on straight, look into my legal options (annulment?). All the while educating myself and helping myself with Al-anon, and finding a support system. How long did you know him before you married?
To answer your question, all I can say is what has helped me and that has been educating myself about alcoholism. Read the stickies at the top of the forum. Reading the books like Co-Dependant No More and Boundaries. Looking into Al-Anon meetings and going.
If I were you, and I can only surmize and guess, I think that after only one week of marriage and then finding this bombshell, I would seperate. Notice seperate - not divorce, not anything hasty, but a big enough gesture to really take a step back and evaluate my priorities without living in the midst of the alcoholic drama. I would take some time to get my head on straight, look into my legal options (annulment?). All the while educating myself and helping myself with Al-anon, and finding a support system. How long did you know him before you married?
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi Pearl,
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry to hear of this happening to you right at the start of what was to be a new adventure to you. I'm glad you have found this forum as there is so much es&h (experience, support and help/honesty) here!
[QUOTE=pearl7;1866054]...My question is 1) what do I do with the pain from what he has said to me? 2) Do I stop telling him what he did that hurts me so much. It does seem terribly unfair that as an alcoholic, they have an excuse to get away with saying these horrible things to you and then I am left with it.[QUOTE]
The one way I found that I could stop hurting from my A's actions was to really come to understand that they were of no reflection on me. I would take his words to my heart and think that they defind me, I allowed them to knock my self worth. I learnt that detaching was a must for me. Read our sticky threads at the top of this forum for different info on this terrible disease.
I also suggest reading some recovery books such as ''codependant no more'' and ''beyond codependancy'' by Melody Beattie.
Detaching from his hurtful words, learning not to allow them to hurt me, helped, but for some pain I learnt that I sometimes had to let myself feel it. It was important for me to feel greef. I think the recovery slogan is along the lines of 'the way out is through'. This was true for me in many circumstances and I still try to use this.
Rather than trying to ignore or push my feelings away I feel them, allow myself to cry be upset or angry. Our emotions are very important in telling us if we have been used badly, they are like a compass for us to guide us to healthy nuturing relationships, and help us to identify were problems lie, so we can make the changes we need. When I would ignore them, I found that they would not heal and instead would jump out at times when I did not want them to!
By all means tell your A he has hurt you, he needs to know that certain behaviour is unacceptable to you. To help prevent your A from hurting you over and over the same way, try setting up some boundaries within yourself. Things like, if you talk to me in a abusive way, I will not carry on the conversation with you until you are calmer. If he carries on, the next step could be... I will leave the room, then... I will go out for the night etc etc.
Boundaries are essential tools that keep us out of situations that we find uncomfortable and keep us from being hurt, we are showing others that we will no longer allow ourselves to be exposed to hurtful speech or actions and will protect ourselves.
Keep reading and posting, and welcome again!
Peace and serenity to you :ghug
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry to hear of this happening to you right at the start of what was to be a new adventure to you. I'm glad you have found this forum as there is so much es&h (experience, support and help/honesty) here!
[QUOTE=pearl7;1866054]...My question is 1) what do I do with the pain from what he has said to me? 2) Do I stop telling him what he did that hurts me so much. It does seem terribly unfair that as an alcoholic, they have an excuse to get away with saying these horrible things to you and then I am left with it.[QUOTE]
The one way I found that I could stop hurting from my A's actions was to really come to understand that they were of no reflection on me. I would take his words to my heart and think that they defind me, I allowed them to knock my self worth. I learnt that detaching was a must for me. Read our sticky threads at the top of this forum for different info on this terrible disease.
I also suggest reading some recovery books such as ''codependant no more'' and ''beyond codependancy'' by Melody Beattie.
Detaching from his hurtful words, learning not to allow them to hurt me, helped, but for some pain I learnt that I sometimes had to let myself feel it. It was important for me to feel greef. I think the recovery slogan is along the lines of 'the way out is through'. This was true for me in many circumstances and I still try to use this.
Rather than trying to ignore or push my feelings away I feel them, allow myself to cry be upset or angry. Our emotions are very important in telling us if we have been used badly, they are like a compass for us to guide us to healthy nuturing relationships, and help us to identify were problems lie, so we can make the changes we need. When I would ignore them, I found that they would not heal and instead would jump out at times when I did not want them to!
By all means tell your A he has hurt you, he needs to know that certain behaviour is unacceptable to you. To help prevent your A from hurting you over and over the same way, try setting up some boundaries within yourself. Things like, if you talk to me in a abusive way, I will not carry on the conversation with you until you are calmer. If he carries on, the next step could be... I will leave the room, then... I will go out for the night etc etc.
Boundaries are essential tools that keep us out of situations that we find uncomfortable and keep us from being hurt, we are showing others that we will no longer allow ourselves to be exposed to hurtful speech or actions and will protect ourselves.
Keep reading and posting, and welcome again!
Peace and serenity to you :ghug
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Annulment is interesting - he has basically lied to you and led you into marriage with-holding vital information about himself. Good grounds I think.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by pearl7 
I am a newcomer. I am ashamed to share this, but after one week of marriage, my new husband tells me he has
been an alcoholic.
How do you ever trust these people again since they may just hit you over the head again with more verbal insults and pain? !
been an alcoholic.
How do you ever trust these people again since they may just hit you over the head again with more verbal insults and pain? !
WELCOME!!!
First off, there is no such thing as a has been alcoholic. He is either a practicing alcoholic-still drinking-or not. He may be abusive, may or may not have anything to do with his current status as a non-drinker-assuming he's not currently drinking. Good to see that you're going to Alanon. You might also consider attending an open meeting of AA, where you can get to meet more of these people.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi pearl,
I'm so glad to hear that you are going to Al-Anon meetings. By listening and learning about what worked for others I was able to decide for myself what was right for me to do. That is what I hope for you as well.
about the emotional pain:
I try to learn from my pain and use it to my advantage. I try to be kind and forgiving of myself and to surround myself with positive people who respect me.
about the words & attitudes:
What others say and do has NO reflection on who I am, but I have every right to defend and express myself to them. I also have the choice to ignore and/or remove myself from their presence.
You started off your post by saying you feel ashamed and I'm very sorry that you feel that way. Most people who post here about their alcoholic will attest to how they have been fooled or conned in one way or another. Now that you are becoming aware you will have more tools to work with when it comes to what your H says or does. When I learn better, I do better.
I'm so glad to hear that you are going to Al-Anon meetings. By listening and learning about what worked for others I was able to decide for myself what was right for me to do. That is what I hope for you as well.
My question is 1) what do I do with the pain from what he has said to me? 2) Do I stop telling him what he did that hurts me so much. It does seem terribly unfair that as an alcoholic, they have an excuse to get away with saying these horrible things to you and then I am left with it.
I try to learn from my pain and use it to my advantage. I try to be kind and forgiving of myself and to surround myself with positive people who respect me.
about the words & attitudes:
What others say and do has NO reflection on who I am, but I have every right to defend and express myself to them. I also have the choice to ignore and/or remove myself from their presence.
You started off your post by saying you feel ashamed and I'm very sorry that you feel that way. Most people who post here about their alcoholic will attest to how they have been fooled or conned in one way or another. Now that you are becoming aware you will have more tools to work with when it comes to what your H says or does. When I learn better, I do better.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 110
Journal your feelings. Find an Al-Anon meeting close by. The pain will lessen when you can learn to detach. When you can finally say this person is SICK. Detachment is a hard lesson to learn and practice. It sometimes takes years for us to properly use it. We are constantly using it in our everyday life.
Welcome.
Welcome.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Welcome Pearl!!! I can guarentee you that everyone here has done their fair share of things we wish we could take back. What courage you have to post!
In the past, I was the grand master of handing over my heart to people who exhibited unacceptable behaviour towards me on a regular basis - alcoholic or not.
Is this behaviour acceptable if it doesn't come with a label like Alcoholism?
(((Hugs Pearl)))
Originally Posted by pearl7
Well, I did suspect something about him, but I thought it was me since he blamed me when things were not peaceful.
Is this behaviour acceptable if it doesn't come with a label like Alcoholism?
(((Hugs Pearl)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 79
Pearl, so sorry to hear of your situation. Let me just tell you, as others have said, get out before this becomes your life, kids, mortgage, etc. etc. After being and still married to an alcoholic of 23 years, it is no picnic. I only wish I had known more about the disease back then but now with 2 kids, I have an obligation to them. I am married to a functional alcoholic-that is he holds a job and functions for the most part but after years of drinking on and off, it is starting to take its tool on his body. How sad. It may be the most difficult thing you do but you should re think all this, after all we all can't tell you what to do...it has to come from you. Good luck to you in what you decide.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I don't think being an alcoholic is an excuse to verbally abuse anyone, lie, or betray a trust. We're not talking about a little white lie, either. We're talking about someone withholding the fact that they suffer from an incurable, progressive disease that affects everyone in the family one week after entering into a marriage contract. It's been my experience that as the disease of alcoholism progresses, so does the lying. He's already handed you a doosey and this is only the beginning. It gets worse from there.
Alanon, SR, and therapy have helped many folks on this forum clear their heads and make healthier choices. I'm glad to see you've already given Alanon a try.
Alanon, SR, and therapy have helped many folks on this forum clear their heads and make healthier choices. I'm glad to see you've already given Alanon a try.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
How long have you known him for before you got married?
Your post reminded me of a similar situation I had last year.
I was in a relationship with a guy, who turned out to be addicted to porn.
His response to my questioning this and suggesting he may want to seek help was to tell me it was none of my business and that we should never ever been discussing it, in the first place, as it would be something a couple would discuss after approx 2 years of marriage....
The relationship ended not long after that, and I learned a whole lot more about myself because of the way it ended, however this conversation I had with him has always stuck in my mind. I can still remember feeling dumb struck, like I could hardly believe he thought it was normal to marry someone and hide your problems from them.
I dunno about anyone else but last time I checked, it is best to know who one is marrying before the marriage takes place but in saying that I feel this way after 10 years of recovery.
Your post reminded me of a similar situation I had last year.
I was in a relationship with a guy, who turned out to be addicted to porn.
His response to my questioning this and suggesting he may want to seek help was to tell me it was none of my business and that we should never ever been discussing it, in the first place, as it would be something a couple would discuss after approx 2 years of marriage....
The relationship ended not long after that, and I learned a whole lot more about myself because of the way it ended, however this conversation I had with him has always stuck in my mind. I can still remember feeling dumb struck, like I could hardly believe he thought it was normal to marry someone and hide your problems from them.
I dunno about anyone else but last time I checked, it is best to know who one is marrying before the marriage takes place but in saying that I feel this way after 10 years of recovery.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by lizw
I was in a relationship with a guy, who turned out to be addicted to porn.
His response...was to tell me...it would be something a couple would discuss after approx 2 years of marriage....
His response...was to tell me...it would be something a couple would discuss after approx 2 years of marriage....
If he thought you had to wait 2 years to discuss a porn addiction, I wonder what he would have revealed 5 years into the marriage!
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Originally Posted by cagefree
Nice :wtf2
If he thought you had to wait 2 years to discuss a porn addiction, I wonder what he would have revealed 5 years into the marriage!
If he thought you had to wait 2 years to discuss a porn addiction, I wonder what he would have revealed 5 years into the marriage!
Sometimes my god/hp saves me from things that are really and truely not good for me, and it is only in hindsight that I see this.
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