LucyA

most of you know my story, A brother, his wife died last year, their son lives with me.

Well, my sister in law has a sister, and she hates my brother. I'm not too impressed with him myself at the moment but don't waste my energy hating anymore.

This sister was named in my sister in laws will as a guardian to Joe, my nephew, should his parents die before he was 18 she would be the one to look after him and bring him up. She thinks this takes effect from her sister dying, but legally it doesnt.

My bro neglected his son, pretty badly and abused him physically which led Joe asking to stay with me (I should add that this was after at least 40 calls to social sevices from me about the neglect and abuse) Joes been here ever since (4 and a half months now) and everyone said they were happy he was with me they could sleep at night etc (dunno where they were when I was making the calls!) Anyway, sister in law was happy too, so she said.

Fast forward a little, I've bent over backwards to make sure Joe has contact with his mums family, they live 50+ miles away from me (easy when you have a car, I don't) His gran and aunts family live all together, and they've had Joe to stay over for a few days whenever they've asked for him. I also phoned Joes mums best friend when he came to stay here, to let her know what was happening and to let her know she was welcome here and welcome to see Joe.

Twelve months on, this 11 year old still has nowhere to take flowers to remember his mum, his other aunt wont agree with his dad about what should happen to his mums ashes. My mum and I decided we'd get a plot with a plaque at the cemetary so Joe has somewhere he can go. I spoke to the other aunt on the phone to tell her what my mum had planned for Joe. Suddenly everyone decides they want the ashes buried there (a little unfair, my brother wanted that from the start, his sis in law wanted them in her home town) So, sis in law arrives at my house today to take joe back to hers for a few days, she tells me her mum will pay for the plot if I'll sort it. I almost exploded, she's had a whole year to sort this out, and done nothing!
No way is she taking this from my mum, it's something she wants to do for her grandson, and she's going to do it. We decided to go ahead and do it (me and mum) and if the 'other lot' want to pay half its ok, but my mum didn't want to ask them for money. Their guilt isn't our problem.

Also, the other Aunt has announced today she is going for custody, other wise, as she says, 'I'll never see Joe' I can't believe I'm hearing stuff like this.
All I can say is good luck to her, I have a copy of a solicitors letter in which my brother agrees with me having a residence order for his son.

sorry for going on so long, I feel better when I get it out on here. Thanks for reading.

Bernadette

Oh la la.
Wow Lucy-- I've come to believe that smooth sailing really only lasts a few days at a time in this life!!

I hope cool heads will prevail. You are very right in seeing that their guilt is not your problem. When I read that I was like, wow, you are spot on- I might never have realized that was what was going on... so keep trusting your instincts on this. Maybe she feels she should file for custody because she feels guilty too and not because she is looking out for Joe's best interests...
:praying
B.

gns

I am so sorry you are caught in the middle of this. I think it is wonderful that Joe has someone (you) who loves him so much.

LucyA

It's going to be smooth from now on Bernadette, I'm going to make sure it is.
Joe needs a family and stability and everything that goes with that, she'll get reasonable access but she won't be telling me when, she'll be asking me.
I think she's just ne of those people who can't live without drama, and if there isn't any she'll create some. We don't do drama here

LucyA

This gets worse, I now find that yesterday evening, after leaving my house with Joe (she was taking him back to her house for a week) his other Aunt went to my brothers house, with Joe and had a confrontation with a guy who is staying with my brother (she has 'spies' as she calls them watching my brother, and I've no doubt me too, so she knew this guy would probably be around) not only did she go round with Joe but aparently ranted and raved at this guy about Joes inheritance (half the house is Joes in trust) my bro not being entitled to live there now his wife is dead, the amount my brother drinks, how he doesnt care about his son. Now my brother wasn't even there, and I'm not getting into if what she said is correct or not.

My problem with this is that she took Joe with her. I've spent months helping this child understand that there are grown up problems and there are childrens problems, I've spent months building bridges between this family so that Joe keeps in regular contact with people important to him. She has most probably blown all that away in ten minutes and done who knows what other damage.

I haven't spoken to her about it yet, so I don't know her story or why she even thought of taking Joe, she could have easily gone before she came here, it's only a minutes walk after all.

I just don't understand and I don't know how best to deal with this right now.

Bernadette

Hi Lucy-

My problem with this is that she took Joe with her. I've spent months helping this child understand that there are grown up problems and there are childrens problems, I've spent months building bridges between this family so that Joe keeps in regular contact with people important to him.

...she could have easily gone before she came here, it's only a minutes walk after all.


Maybe you can start by sharing what you said here (as calmly as you can).

And I guess checking in with Joe...reminding him about all that wise "adult problems" perspective that you mentioned...and maybe help him alleviate any anxiety he's feeling due to this scene...

I am constantly amazed at how unconscious people can be regarding children. The things I see people say and do while their kids, or ANY kids, are within earshot just boggles my mind... could it be she really didn't know how upsetting it would be for him? Could she have been using him as a "prop" to get the desired response or effect she imagined without any thought to how it would affect him?

Seems to me it should be simple enough to understand that you really wouldn't want any unnecessary heavy scenes around a child who recently lost his mum and has transitioned to a new family situation....I mean, could she maybe not know that??? Seems unlikely...but maybe?

Looks like once you have legal behind you you're gonna need some pretty firm boundaries with these family members...such a shame that you should be expending this kind of energy on them!

Good Luck Lucy--- if I can feel your steady strength through cyberspace know that Joe must feel it too!!
Peace,
B

LucyA

Thanks Bernadette, she phoned me again today, and I tried that, seems to go in one ear and right out the other though, she only listens when she's hearing what she wants to hear.

She told me today she wants her 'fair share' of contact with Joe in future. I told her that would be great, and that when I've worked out how much she should get between everyone else, my mum and dad, Joes Dad, my kids etc I'll let her know. It'll be a sight less than she gets now I know that for sure. The kids have been on summer holiday for 4 weeks, she's had him for almost 3 in total, but I can see what she means about it not being fair. I did thank her for raising the subject

justjo

I agree, he is so blessed to have you and you seem very reasonable with them. Is your nephew happy to have all this time with them as he should be the top priority here.
I have been through the same experience with my nephew and neice. Harmony and love was the goal. As you say, the adult stuff that went on was explained in a way to them, so that they didnt think it was their fault. I just told them (their mum) was sick right now and everyone was trying to sort out the best for her and sometimes people disagree. In the meantime they were safe and loved by us.
You sound like you have things pretty much under control and you sound like an amazing aunty.

LucyA

I didn't want to respond to this straight away, I wanted to think about it for a while and ask myself if what I'm doing really is "the right thing".

Well, now I've had a think about it, with less emotion than the other evening and basically a calm head.

I don't know why Joes other aunt has suddenly started to show quite a lot of bitterness towards me, it could be any number of reasons, grief, guilt, jealousy I dunno, maybe it's always been there and she just hid it, but I decided the best thing to do is just let that go. I don't need to know why, what I need to do is to not react to it but to think it through instead. Everytime she makes one of her demands or ultimatums I'm going to tell her I'll have to think about it and get back to her, and I'll do that instead of being rushed into decisions I haven't thought about.

I've been more than fair with her, at the expense of Joe spending time with other family members. My own kids miss him at the moment, they all had plans together for the summer holidays and they're almost over now, my mum and dad havent been able to see him for more than a couple of days in the last few weeks, and Joe hasn't been able to see his dad. Add to that the fact that Joe lives with me and my kids and we're still sort of bonding, although we do have a good relationship. Things are definately going to change and the other aunt will still see him regularly, just like everyone else will.

I'm also a bit fed up with her constant phoning and whining at me, so today I sorted caller ID and voicemail on my landline, that should help.

respektingme

You are a saint for filling in for this kid who has no parents. You have faced some tough challenges, and will face many more no doubt. I think you are doing a wonderful job. I think you're in a tough position, to which I can relate a tad. I'm a stepmother. Everybody knows stepmothers are evil. It's the position I'm in that is most often hated, not the individual. So, I'd try not to take the SIL's rants too personal. No doubt the deceased mother's family struggled with her being married to an alcoholic when she was alive. They never wanted that for her, and now that she's passed on, no doubt they hate the fact that your brother still has control over his son and still chooses to drink. I can see how they'd want to snatch him up and tell your brother to jump off a cliff. Not saying it's right, because I have 3 stepdaughters who would also like to tell me to jump off a cliff (actually, they sort of already have).

Be strong. You're doing a great job and he's so lucky to have you. They all are really. Just a tough spot.

Lilyflower

I love this wisdom Lucy!!! I am one of those people who rushes to make a discion because I feel everyone is pushing me to decide something. I definately need to take on this attitude into my life too.

Thankyou for sharing this!

As to your SIL, I think you are handling things excellently, Joe needs stability and she sounds as if she is acting out of her needs, satisfying her wants and not considering Joe's.

Thank goodness you have such a level head throughout this! You are a star!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bernadette

heya Lucy & Lily--
Yeah Lucy that is good advice-- it is really hard to make the best decision if we are stressed, rushed, or backed into a corner. Any kind of stall tactic is a good idea when we feel the "heat" of the moment. I struggle with this but I've gotten better because I started asking people I admire how they always seem cool when the make decisions and they usually point out that they don't make "public" decisions - they ask for time to think it over.

Just saying "HHHHmmmmm. I'd like to think that over and get back to you." (So simple!! why so hard to remember to do!!!!??)

Or if the situation is getting too ramped-up I say "Can you say another sentence about that?" or "Could you say that again in a different way - I'm not sure I'm understanding correctly." To try to take the heat down a notch...

I have found that if I take the time I am able to say "No." more easily. When I'm rushed or emotional I end up agreeing to things I will regret or have to back out of in a complicated way later...

Agree in haste, repent at leisure right!!!

Good luck Lucy---
Peace,
B.

Reality

All I can say is how lucky Joe is to have YOU as his aunt and advocate. His Mother is resting peacefully knowing that.....God bless you.