How's / Why's / and When's
Guest
Posts: n/a
How's / Why's / and When's
I am new here, and while i have not yet read each and every post, I have read many. I see the constant question... "how did this happen?" I do not see any answers.
I too wonder everyday, "how". If I can figure out the "how", maybe next the "why's" will come into light. How can any of us/them get "better" if noone knows how things got to be the way they are today?
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Tracy and welcome!
I think a lot of people go through life, doing things the way they've always seen them done or the way they've always done them, oblivious as to how and why. And then one day something happens to bring them out of the fog and into reality. It's hard to come out of denial and then examine our lives and realize we have no clue how things ended up being so screwed up!
It takes a lot of digging to figure out the hows and the whys, but it can be done. Keep coming back and tell us some more about yourself. We're always here.
Take care,
JG
I think a lot of people go through life, doing things the way they've always seen them done or the way they've always done them, oblivious as to how and why. And then one day something happens to bring them out of the fog and into reality. It's hard to come out of denial and then examine our lives and realize we have no clue how things ended up being so screwed up!
It takes a lot of digging to figure out the hows and the whys, but it can be done. Keep coming back and tell us some more about yourself. We're always here.
Take care,
JG
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Tracy, and welcome
I am not sure anyone can answer all the "hows and whys"... that is why we come back here, and to alanon meetings etc, because we learn that we cannot change what has happened, or who it has happened to... but we can learn to start healing and taking care of ourselves.
An alcoholic for example, is unable to determine exactly WHEN and WHY they became addicted... it is usually a number of factors that come into play.ie: heredity, insecurity, shame, depression, peer pressure, and so on.
Often, the loved ones of these A's (us darn codependants
) are not able to determine with accuracy when it was that OUR lives became unmanageable either. Sometimes it has to do with our childhood, past traumas, self-esteem issues, abandonment, control issues and so on.
The "why's" are often not discovered until they, or we, have reached a point of wanting / needing help... a point of complete surrender to the disfunction. Step 4 is a very important, and often difficult, and very healing step in AA and Alanon. It is with this step and the help of a sponser that we are able to uncover some of the "whys and hows" of the disease and the disfunction.
But, what I am learning now (slowly but surely) is that it does not so much matter why or how we ended up where we are. What matters most is today. What can I do to begin to heal NOW... we cannot ever go back, but we can begin again many many times - until we get it right . And this rings so true for an A as well. An alcoholic needs to explore the past, make ammends, "let go" and MOVE FORWARD... It works 
Hope you keep coming back Tracy
Take care
Meg
I am not sure anyone can answer all the "hows and whys"... that is why we come back here, and to alanon meetings etc, because we learn that we cannot change what has happened, or who it has happened to... but we can learn to start healing and taking care of ourselves.
An alcoholic for example, is unable to determine exactly WHEN and WHY they became addicted... it is usually a number of factors that come into play.ie: heredity, insecurity, shame, depression, peer pressure, and so on.
Often, the loved ones of these A's (us darn codependants
) are not able to determine with accuracy when it was that OUR lives became unmanageable either. Sometimes it has to do with our childhood, past traumas, self-esteem issues, abandonment, control issues and so on.The "why's" are often not discovered until they, or we, have reached a point of wanting / needing help... a point of complete surrender to the disfunction. Step 4 is a very important, and often difficult, and very healing step in AA and Alanon. It is with this step and the help of a sponser that we are able to uncover some of the "whys and hows" of the disease and the disfunction.
But, what I am learning now (slowly but surely) is that it does not so much matter why or how we ended up where we are. What matters most is today. What can I do to begin to heal NOW... we cannot ever go back, but we can begin again many many times - until we get it right
. And this rings so true for an A as well. An alcoholic needs to explore the past, make ammends, "let go" and MOVE FORWARD... It works Hope you keep coming back Tracy
Take care
Meg
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Welcome to a great place
where many of us have turned for answers. Meg put it very well!
I have learned through my recovery some of the answers to my how's and why's, but ya know what ......it doesn't make a difference. They are still there and for me to learn to react differently and let go of my controlling ways are the only ways that anything would be different. True the how's and why's are still the same, but I treat them differently and some of them I have learned to accept. WE CAN NOT CHANGE THE HOW'S and WHY'S, but we can change the way react to them.
Glad that you found us hear Tracy. Finding the "answers" seems like the logical solution, but the best one is to find healing for yourself. Don't know if you have read the power post, but those have some great info.
Constant
I have learned through my recovery some of the answers to my how's and why's, but ya know what ......it doesn't make a difference. They are still there and for me to learn to react differently and let go of my controlling ways are the only ways that anything would be different. True the how's and why's are still the same, but I treat them differently and some of them I have learned to accept. WE CAN NOT CHANGE THE HOW'S and WHY'S, but we can change the way react to them.
Glad that you found us hear Tracy. Finding the "answers" seems like the logical solution, but the best one is to find healing for yourself. Don't know if you have read the power post, but those have some great info.
Constant
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
