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Question about wife 'acting' drunk (says she isnt)

Old 08-08-2008, 08:46 AM
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Question about wife 'acting' drunk (says she isnt)

Bear with me on this...a little back story then my question. Please help

My wife (prior to our marrige) used to drink quite heavily. It was on a nightly basis and would often result in her blacking out and not remembering anything. She sobered up when we became serious and I would like her to obviously remain sober. I pretty much have a zero tolerance towards the alcohol because I know how bad she was with it and how easy it would be for her to slip back into it. She remains sober and does not touch the stuff. Within the past 3 years she slipped up twice and got drunk (once at a wedding and once at home while trying to hide it from me).

She acts like a completely different person when she is drunk and it is quite obvious when she has had drinks. Lately she has started acting that way on occasion. The strange thing is I have noticed it is only after we have sex. At first I was positive she had been drinking but the more i think about it i dont see how it would be possible. We are together the whole time and she will be stone cold sober...we will have sex...then she will act like she is drunk. I've questioned her about it and she swears she isnt drinking. I have no idea what to think because like i said I dont see how she would get drunk while in my site and me not knowing it yet everytime we have sex she acts in a way that i have only seen from her after drinking.

Is it possible for someone who used to drink heavily to kind of slip back into that mindset (without alcohol) perhaps by engaging in physical activity? I know it is a very silly question but i am quite confused.....
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Old 08-08-2008, 08:50 AM
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There's no way to know for sure, but perhaps instead of alcohol, she's taking some kind of medication. That would be much easier for her to hide from you. I'm not at all saying that she IS doing that, but it could be one explanation for her behavior.
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Old 08-08-2008, 09:48 AM
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There are hormonal changes that happen in our bodies during sex...there are also blood flow changes and such - just a thought but maybe there is something going weird with her medically that is prompted by the changes in the body during sex?????

I know my X has migraines - barametric pressure, high activity....all change his system enough to do funky things with the blood vessles in his brain. A doctor described it to me one time but I don't remember exactly how he said it all works.

Just a thought.
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Old 08-08-2008, 09:57 AM
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This depends...I am not sure, but I can share my experiences. My AH claimed to be recovered for many years. I often would suspect he was drunk at times of the day or places where I thought that was an impossibility. Not slurring speech or falling over, but he looked it...just unable to completely maintain. Come to find out, he was drinking alcohol that doesn't leave an odor, and would sleep most of it off or sober up before I arrived or whatever.

Does your wife have any therapy or recovery she is in? I am not sure about others, but from my experience I have not seen anyone who maintained long term soberity without some kind of help.

Hope this helps. However, I seem to think that whatever your gut is telling you, might be the truth. It was in my case, even though I thought "impossible" and was told that I am being "crazy"...
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Old 08-08-2008, 10:06 AM
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thanks for all of the advice. i know a womens sexual experience is very much different than a mans...and i cant even begin to understand it...thats why I was unsure if anything emotionally or chemically could be kicking in.

i know very little about alcohol having never touched it myself but i've heard certain drugs can stay in your system and be re-activated through working out or losing weight or vigorous activity. not sure if the same is true for alcohol or not.

thanks for sharing your experience as well. i have a strong gut feeling that she is drinking but i just cant see how it is possible. i have even torn the house apart trying to find alcohol she may have hidden and have found nothing. i dont know if im just being paranoid or not. im just afraid because she quit on her own (no treatments or programs). i dont want her to slip back...and if she is i want to catch it before its too late.
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Old 08-08-2008, 12:09 PM
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After 25 years of living with an alcoholic, I became an expert in recognizing drunken behaviors. I, too, used to think my boyfriend was drinking on occassion during his 8-month period of sobriety, but I didn't trust my own judgement. Alcoholics are masters at playing mind tricks on their partners to make them believe they're the crazy ones.

Now that I have a bit of recovery under my belt and I trust my intuition and observation skills (and myself!), I realize that he WAS drunk. He had booze hidden all over the house. In the basement, in the garage, in MY clothes closet, in shoes, in his coat pockets, in socks, in the toilet tank, under the mattress, under his favorite chair, in suitcases, you get the idea.

If she's acting drunk and she's an alcoholic, she's probably drunk. The question is, is this acceptable to you? It's no longer acceptable to me. That's why I ended my relationship.
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Old 08-08-2008, 12:23 PM
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I agree. My b/f was hiding his drinking at the end of our relationship (once I'd told him that I would leave if he didn't get it under control). He would throw out his anti-alcoholic meds (campral, I think they were called) in the morning instead of taking them (why??? They were supposed to cut his cravings way down. They did when he took 'em.)

Then, on the way home from work, he would drink hard in the car all the home. He'd get to my house and have "just one." I coudn't figure out why, right after work, after just one beer, he was so messed up. It turns out, he was drinking that "just one" as soon as he got in my door so he could account for the alcohol odor on his breath. I figured it out when he would still smell alcoholic the next morning. No way that you would still stink for 12 hours after "just one."

Alcoholism is a sneaky disease. I bet she's boozing somehow.
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Old 08-08-2008, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by OldPaint View Post
thanks for all of the advice. i know a womens sexual experience is very much different than a mans...and i cant even begin to understand it...thats why I was unsure if anything emotionally or chemically could be kicking in.

i know very little about alcohol having never touched it myself but i've heard certain drugs can stay in your system and be re-activated through working out or losing weight or vigorous activity. not sure if the same is true for alcohol or not.

thanks for sharing your experience as well. i have a strong gut feeling that she is drinking but i just cant see how it is possible. i have even torn the house apart trying to find alcohol she may have hidden and have found nothing. i dont know if im just being paranoid or not. im just afraid because she quit on her own (no treatments or programs). i dont want her to slip back...and if she is i want to catch it before its too late.
I know that can happen with drugs that get trapped in your fat cells. When I got sober off of meth 14 years ago, they warned us about it because ther drug can get released into your bloodstream and it can make you feel high and trigger you to use. It did happen to me a couple of times that first year. BUT I have never heard of that with alcohol and it sure hasn't happened to me.

But I know that my husband had a zero tolerance policy for it to. Wish that could have stopped me. Ugh, I cringe when I think of all the times I lied straight to his face.

I have know people (my mother is one) that have stayed sober for 20+ years with no program but I certainly would not want to do it and truly, IMO, my mother would have a lot more peace in her mind and life if she did go to some sort of program but it is her life and she has to choose how she wants to live it. I do think it might be something your wife might want to at least check out, especially seeing as you can not relate at all.

Sorry to be so personal but does she seem drunk while still in bed or does she go to the bathroom or?? I wish you the very best and I commend you for seeking out SR to understand. Welcome!!!!
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Old 08-08-2008, 01:17 PM
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Going underground with drinking was my M.O. But I wasn't fooling the Mrs. ever. She could smell it a mile away.

FYI - there is absolutely no way whatsoever to get alcohol into your system with it being detectable on your breath. Fact - It's not possible - even if you did something weird like inject it. That being said, not everyone's nose is fine tuned enough to catch it.
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Old 08-08-2008, 03:08 PM
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but maybe it's just a powerful (and well done i might add) sexual experience.....and you simply knocked her socks off???
God, I need one of those...but I digress....
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Old 08-08-2008, 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat View Post
God, I need one of those...but I digress....
Here here.
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Old 08-08-2008, 04:11 PM
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Maybe a blood test for diabetes wouldn't go amiss, if you're giving her the benefit of the doubt. If she's tired and her blood sugar is low it can sometimes give the impresion of being drunk. And it can be a serious health risk if it's untreated.
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Old 08-12-2008, 11:06 AM
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Well the truth finally came out last night. I thought for sure I smelled her on it. I questioned and she denied it and said she was now starting to get mad at me for accusing her repeatedly. She went to sleep mad at me and this morning I was taking out the trash and found empty beer bottles in the garbage bags.

I didnt say anything to her about me finding those and I really dont know how to. She has already lied about it so I know its going to be a difficult thing to confront her with. As I said before it is something I have zero tolerance for. Not only am I worried about her (as i said she was a heavy drinker at one time) but i honestly dont like the person she is when she drinks. Her personality changes greatly. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation? We love each other very much and I know this is something that is probably hard for her. She is a strong willed person and does not easily admit her weaknesses and I'm sure if I suggest getting help the idea will be laughed at. I've told her in the past that if she drinks I will not stay with her. That got her to stop for several years...now she has slipped back. Do I use the same approach? Is there anything I could do to make the "quitting" actually stick?
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Old 08-12-2008, 11:09 AM
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Nope...that's the sad part...you can't fix them...they have to fix them.
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Old 08-12-2008, 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted by OldPaint View Post
I've told her in the past that if she drinks I will not stay with her. That got her to stop for several years...now she has slipped back. Do I use the same approach? Is there anything I could do to make the "quitting" actually stick?
She is an adult and it is her choice whether to drink or not.

Do not say anything unless you mean it. Be prepared for her to choose the alcohol over you. Mine did more than once.

There is nothing you can do to make her quit. You can only protect yourself from her choices.

L
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Old 08-12-2008, 11:42 AM
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Originally Posted by OldPaint View Post
I questioned and she denied it and said she was now starting to get mad at me for accusing her repeatedly. She went to sleep mad at me and this morning I was taking out the trash and found empty beer bottles in the garbage bags.
I've never once been mad at my SO when she asked if I had been drinking when I had not. I would only get mad when she asked and I was drinking.
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Old 08-12-2008, 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by OldPaint View Post
I've told her in the past that if she drinks I will not stay with her. That got her to stop for several years...now she has slipped back. Do I use the same approach? Is there anything I could do to make the "quitting" actually stick?
Don't say it unless you mean it and don't say it with the intent of changing her. You cannot control or change her. Only she can do that. Only you can keep your focus on you and what you want in your life.
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