eccentricmuse

I get confused sometimes about whether it is the codie or alkie in my head talking...I'm not sure which problem started first. Sometimes I think that if I could fix my co-dependent issues, I wouldn't have to drink...but I don't think that's completely true either. I vacillate from a codie-induced mindset of drinking and simply just drinking, depending on the situation. For those of you who have a drinking problem and are also co-dependent, how do you deal with this?

A month before I met the man I fell in love with, I started liking alcohol a little too much. When we first started dating, I didn't think I had a problem (he was a recovering alcoholic at the time). He even invited me to an AA meeting, and at the time I had no idea what it was about...but I declined. I would hang out at his place in the evenings while he would go to meetings. I started feeling a little left out and asked why he had invited me the first time but not again, and he said that it was just to be polite (I guess he wanted me to feel included in what he was doing? We didn't know each other that well at the time). As I started drinking more, I found myself deliberately getting buzzed right before he would pick me up. As he started being more elusive, I'd drink and then call him (the alcohol giving me the "liquid confidence" to try to connect with him...obviously there was something wrong though, if I felt so uptight in terms of communicating with him when I was sober). And then one night I told him to disregard a message that I had left him while I was drunk. And he said, "Did you just admit to me that you were drunk?" and something about how I had called him drunk about thirteen times (he usually knows when I've been drinking) and the first step was coming out of denial. I see that part of me uses my drinking problem to get attention from him...sometimes I don't even know if it's about the drinking...it's like I just want to have a "problem" so that he will notice and help me. However, somewhere down the line he relapsed and his problems were way worse than mine, so I pretty much took the backseat to everything. The thing is, when I drink I want to connect. When he drinks, he wants to isolate. So that was a disaster. :-(

HopeandPrayer

Sound to me like maybe you should try to go to AA like he first asked you to and them invite him to go too. Then you can try AL-ANON and/or counseling because it sounds like you need to figure out what came first the chicken or the egg. LOL.

Seriously tho it doesn't matter what came first, if you feel you have a problem with alcohol and want to stop seek help in that arena, if you feel it is a codie problem them go that way or go both. the ball is in your court. If you care for this person maybe you could encourage each other.

Barb

mle-sober

Hi EccentricMuse,

I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for 6 months. I don't know much about codependence. So, there are my credentials.

But my gut reaction to your introspection about whether your actions are motivated by the alcoholic in you or the codependent in you is to try to make the distinction that alcoholism is a disease and codependence is a manner of learned behavior. At least that's how I think of it - I could be way off. But if it is a manner of learned behavior, it can be un-learned. I always get a little uncomfortable when people blithely say, "I'm a codie" as if it's a permanent state of being. Isn't it something that you can educate yourself about and improve and change?

Alcoholism, whether or not it is a disease (I know it's debatable) is a permanent thing. I know the Big Book says you are "recovered" when you are not drinking. And that may be. But the second you take that first drink, you are not recovered. It's not like it can ever really go away. Wish it were so.

So I guess what I'm saying is that maybe if you can improve your codependent tendencies, whether with the help of a therapist or with books or whatever, you would find your answer. I don't know why but it sounds like you think that you can't ever learn to not be codependant. Why is that?

I know that we can't ever change the past and how we experienced the world as children. And that a lot of times, those things were the things that led us down a co-dependant life. But we can change how we currently react to things. We can stop reacting co-dependantly. We just have to learn how and make that committment.

Anyway, I hope this doesn't **** anyone off. Like I said, my experience is limited. And I'm really just doing some musing of my own here too.

lizw

I'm an alcoholic and a codependent/AlAnon/SLAA (same diff) and I have been sober 10 years. It has been my expereince and from what I have seen in other sober alcoholics is that soberity must come first. And I was 4 years sober before I started going (regulary) to Al Anon.... Without physical soberity we have nothing.

prodigal

You may be entirely correct that his problems are far worse than your's, but his problems are not on your side of the street. So, you are codependent. You want to people-please. You are uncomfortable being yourself and really letting someone with whom you are involved knowing how you really feel.

I still feel uncomfortable at times telling people how I really feel because I'm nervous that they will be offended or reject me or whatever ....

Calling him when you are drinking may seem like a form of "connection" but in reality your natural inhibitions are broken down by a depressant; namely, alcohol. I've been married to two alkies and I can tell you that a lot of the stuff they told me when they were drunk was just plain nonsense.

Perhaps you should consider going to some A.A. meetings on your own. Al-Anon and CoDA meetings may be something to consider too.

I grew up in a home where I was punished if I showed too much emotion - ANY emotion. I was bound to end up a codie to some degree. You are dancing a no-win tango with this man. You approach and he moves away.

I danced this dance most of my life. Please consider addressing your own issues. Leave him to deal with his own for now.

miss communicat

I'm an alcoholic, sober in AA, I'm also a Codependant, in Alanon. I entered recovery 20 years ago through the doors of Alanon. I realized I needed to be in AA soon after starting. The message I heard in AA was "Get a Higher Power or die". "Get sober, or die" "Get honest, open minded and willing to go to any length to recover, or die". The message I heard in Alanon is "take care of YOURSELF, turn the alcoholic over to his/her Higher Power, focus on accepting those things you CAN change and letting go of those That you can't."

My point:
For an A sobriety is a matter of life vs death. For a codie, getting emotionally sober is a matter of insanity vs sanity. An alcoholic must place/keep First Things First.

miss communicat

Take 2:

So, how I deal with this question is simple. I address my life-or-death issues first. If I am alcoholic, this means I commit 100% to a program of recovery and don't drink. I keep that as my priority and focus.

The other stuff is secondary.