isitme

Well I guess this is a bunch of feelings mixed into one and probably just the codie in me trying to “fit in somewhere”. I was on the phone with my Mom the other day; she had taken the day off of work. I called back a little later to ask a question I had forgotten about and she had clearly fell off the wagon. Now I haven’t lived at home in 10 years and not even in the same state for 6, so I don’t see what goes on, on a day to day basis, but that familiar slur and overzealousness was certainly there. I know she’s been trying really hard to quit so when I got off the phone I felt all conflicted. Like had she really been drinking? What were my Dad and Sister going to do? I decided not to think about it.

I talked to her again today and she apologized for it and told me that my sister (16 yrs old) had gotten really upset and put post-it’s all over the house saying “please stop!” In all the bathrooms, on her car, on her medicine bottle, perfume bottles everywhere.

I felt so bad for both of them!! I don’t really know what my sister is going though, and I can pretty much say the same for my Mom. I know it’s not my job to do anything about it but it just hurts. I guess I worry about their relationship and what types of effects it will have on my sister. And of course I worry about the reasons my Mom is choosing to drink. (Yes, I know it’s not my place) But it also has me questioning how it shaped me.

I’ve tried to look into ACOA, but I never really feel like I fit in. I never saw my childhood as overly dysfunctional or bad. I wasn’t abused, neglected or unloved. My Mom was never an angry drunk, just a closet drinker and occasional partier. I remember a few occasions of me being embarrassed but never hurt or scared. I guess that’s why I find it hard to relate to the 13 traits, yet I have some of them.

To this day my Mom and I have an excellent relationship. She was always just a goofy kind of drunk and I never saw it as a problem until it started to affect her health. Now I wonder just how much of that has shaped me into the codie that I am. And was it really worse than I remember it? Have I just blocked it out?

I guess I can’t really articulate the feeling very well right now. I’m just starting to piece it all together so I can take the steps to correct it.

TTOSBT

Hi isitme,
I am not sure how much I can offer but as a recovering alcoholic and ACOA I can certainly relate to both you and your sister. I could say the exact same about my upbringing. My Mom was a very functional closet alcoholic. My siblings are older and after they left the house my teenage years were much different than theirs had been. My heart aches for your sister. I remember being 16 and that feel of powerlessness. She is so brave though, I would never have confronted my Mom. I did water down her vodka though. I just wanted to offer one thing. Maybe you could help your sister look into Alateen? It was so helpful for me back then to know I wasn't alone and to have a place to go, to vent, to be heard, to feel that I wasn't crazy. Thanks for listening.

lizw

So have you discussed this with her?

I know as an ACOA what is real and what is unreal (denial) becomes mixed up in my head....

And if you have discussed it with her, and she says everything is fine, why are you upset?

My idea of what makes a relationship 'excellent' has changed a ton since I sought recovery.

isitme

I guess it's worse than I thought. My sister had called last night and I missed her call. She doesn't call much so I knew something was wrong. I called her today and she said she had called because she wanted me to talk to Mom. I guess she's been drinking since Sunday and actaully took Tuesday and Wednesday off of work. My sister knew she was drinking and didn't even want to come home. I guess she hid her keys or something. Mom said she was going to a meeting, but between the time my Dad went to work and my sister got up Mom was already in the bag. (I never knew she drank in the morning.)
Then apparently she got dressed to go somewhere and passed out in the hallway. OMG. I can't believe my poor sister has to be a part of all this. :o(

We talked for a while today and I did suggest Ala-teen and told her that although I do not go to meetings myself that I am apart of an online support group. She sounded open to it. She tried to ask me how I handled it growing up but I couldn't really say. Like above.. I guess I blocked it out or something. I remember her going to New Start and me having to go to a children's support group. But I don't remember it well.

I'm glad I'm going home next week and can spend some time with her. She also asked me to talk to Mom, which I'll do.

As for my Dad.. My biological father and my mom split up when she was pregnant with me. My step dad moved in when I was 9 months old. He's always been my father. He drank, but never seemed drunk. More socially, I never thought it was too much. I remember there being some discord between him and my mom.. and we didn't always get along but all in all the relationship was good. I did however have bad anxiety as a child that I was in counsling for. I also had and have an emotional eating problem and low-self esteem that I've battled for a long time. I too went boy crazy pretty early as well as having my own early experiments with sex, drugs, and alcohol. I'm not sure what all that amounts too, but I started all of it at about 15 or so.

It's probably a good point that I need to evaluate what my "great" relationship is with my Mom. I guess it's just that we talk a lot and I feel like I can share anything with her. My codie response to that is always that I share to much and in some what foster her depression and drinking by telling her the problems in my life causing her to worry. My openess has also gotten my in trouble with my own relationship but I chalked some of that up to being with an A.

I do see that's I've picked several A's for relationships making those relationships not very stable. I could probably say that I myself am an alcoholic and drug user, so when I pick those people I'm not really shooting straight.

I'm coming to terms with my own, I just feel bad for my family now. I want to help my sister. She doesn't even want to be at home anymore. And I wish I could help my Mom too. I don't really know where my Dad stands on it all, but my sister says he just gets frustrated. Should be an interesting trip home.

Thanks everyone for being here.. this is a whole new path for me. I thought I was just coming here to deal with ABF. I guess it's all rooted much deeper than that!!

TTOSBT

So how long has your Mom been trying to get sober? Was she sober at one point? I assume she worked a program at one point if she went in rehab?
Yes, should make for an interesting trip home. Sounds like you all have a lot to talk about. I have not read the rest of the story re your boyfriend but is he going home with you?
You can't fix anybody but you can help your sister find resources to help herself. My prayers are with you all :ghug3