Silverberry1331

As my AH and I are now in the process of separating, I am running through a range of emotions. We finally made the decision on Tuesday morning, or rather, I made the decision that it was time to separate. He has until 9/7/08 to move out. I am tired of the roller coaster of his erratic behavior and threats to leave followed by tears and remorse.

Until he leaves, I told him that I would no longer question his goingons. Where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing was no longer my business. We are merely roommates until the separation.

Last night, he left a message to say he wasn't coming home. I didn't hear from him all night. I didn't call either. This morning, he touches base with me and tells me he drank too much and couldn't drive last night.

Now home and hung over (I'm sure), he calls me crying. Telling me that he is afraid and how he doesn't think he can make it on his own. I have been taking care of everything for eight years, and he doesn't think he can make it financially or otherwise on his own. He sounds desparate to hold on.

I realize that this may be manipulation at least on some level. However, I am also facing the consequences of my enabling. I feel terribly guilty because through my words and actions over the years I conveyed that I didn't think he was capable of handling himself. I realize that we are dealing with his addiction, but didn't my behavior already contribute to his low self esteem?

I know that we can't go back now...we have to follow thru on this separation, otherwise neither of us are going to find any peace...still, these feelings are horrible, and it is all I can do to not rescue him yet again.

What are your thoughts?

Astro

I remember feeling exactly that way my first week of sobriety. I cried to my ex, tried to get her to understand that we couldn't survive without each other, that she needed me, I needed her, and our children wouldn't be alright unless we were together.

She held her ground until I moved out a month later.

That was over three years ago. I'm still sober, still doing fine, doing very well financially, have plenty of friends in recovery for support, dating an Al-Anon, and my children and I love our time together. I'm not always happy about the way it all went down, but if my ex hadn't put her foot down, I doubt I would've stayed clean and sober.

I also realize that nobody is to blame for the consequences of my actions. I didn't lose a thing, I gave everything away each time I made the conscious decision to take another drink.

Silverberry1331

I just want to say thank you both for the posts...it means so much. Astro, your insight has given me perspective. Anvil, I love your post because they are so starkfully true. I am glad you commented one right after another, it is like two sides of the same coin. Thanks for keeping my spirits boosted!

lizw

While on the surface it may appear he is in this postion because of you, instead of building a life of his own while in this relationship he's gone off drinking instead, and I didn't read anything about you forcing him to do this.

As adults we all make our own choices, and well before you he was probably making bad choices, it's just he and you too probably won't be able to see that. And that is called denial.

The horrible/funny thing about being an Al Anon, is they blame us and we blame us as well.

I'm not saying you have been a saint, but I can say that with 99% conviction the things you have been responsible for in the relationship are not the things you think they are.

My relationship with my A ended round the same time as I was diagnosed with MS. So while I was living through the shock of that I was also having arguments with him on the phone when he kept calling.

Eventually my sponsor said to me, so does he know what MS actually is and the stress he is causing you? I said no probably not and she said, you'd think he'd look it up on the internet or something like you or I would do...

It was like something in my head went click and it occured to me that I saw and treated him as a child and that he also acted like one, but what came first was irrelavant.

LaTeeDa

So, to put it another way, you are feeling so guilty about your behavior that you want to repeat it?

Owning your part in the dance is productive and a big step in healing. Beating yourself up over it is self-destructive and keeps you stuck in it.

You cannot change the past. To quote one of my favorite movies, The Lion King: "You can either run from it, or learn from it."

L

cagefree

Good for you for standing strong and sticking to your decision. I went through something similar when I gave XABF 2 weeks to find another place to live. He tried everything from writing me 9 page (front and back) novels of why he did what he did and how he will make it better if he can stay to 3 marriage proposals and about 50 we belong together speeches. I stayed away from the house a lot those 2 weeks and kept busy with friends and family. It still sucked...but I'm ever so glad I did it now. Hang in there Silver!

The results of my enabling mainly wound up being that I didn't take care of myself and got hurt as a result.

My enabling had nothing to do with XABF. I chose to be with XABF because I could easily rise above him, I could "help" him and because of that, thought that he would never leave me. The need to be with someone like that was what I needed to change and figure out why I sought it out.

I see my self esteem as something I own - and no longer willingly allow others to control where it is at any particular moment.

respektingme

I watched a documentary about the Osbournes a few days ago. Talked about having cameras in their house 24/7, what it was like, etc. Then Sharon Osbourne got diagnosed with colon cancer. She said she had to stay alive for Ozzy. All Ozzy could say were "I" sentences. "What will I do without Sharon?", "How am I going to make it?", "I could lose my wife." His daughter said after her diagnosis, her father disappeared into his room and drank and used drugs for a year. WTF????? The woman was fighting for HER life. But somehow it ended up all being about Ozzy.

Similar thing happened when I had cancer. My AH was sooooo traumatized that he drank overtime!! My mother came to stay with the kids while I was in the hospital. Good damn thing. If AH wasn't at the hospital with me, or at work, he was soaking himself at the house.

Your AH's actions just prove you're doing the right thing. If he has a low self-esteem, that is his deal. I think it comes with the bottle. If he wants to boost his self-esteem, more booze won't fix that. He knows the answer. He's still doing what HE wants to do. That means he's still putting himself first. Not very good.

bookwyrm

Silverberry, I understand where you are coming from and I can't really add much to the excellent posts here. I do want to say though, that the situation is a bit of a chicken and egg one - which came first, the alcoholic or the codie?! I believe that everyone who lives for a length of time with an alcoholic becomes co-dependant as the A manipulates the situation to ensure a steady stream of booze. (I wonder if the reverse is true though, would someone who lives with a codie become and alcoholic? ) Instead of producing an alcoholic, your behaviour may well be the product of living with one!

I second what LTD said. Owning your behaviour and taking responsibility for it is good, but don't take it that codie step further and own your AH's behaviour! He's a grown up too!

I understand the temptation to get your AH sorted - I'm resisting my temptation but it is hard!!

Try and stay focussed on you:ghug2

Silverberry1331

LTD...thanks for keeping me accountable.

I have to discipline myself not to repeat the behavior. When he calls or cries or throws a pity party, then I try to practice detachment. All these years, I have immediately come to the rescue by trying to tell him things will be okay, followed by advice, and then lavishing him with kindness and affection. I realize that my not doing this now is important...however, the screw that is loose in my head says, "You are so mean!" "You are being hurtful!" "How would you feel at such rejection?" This is immediately followed by anxiety and that skin crawling feeling...I have urges to call back and soothe MY anxiety and MY angst by caretaking. That is when I put a post up or call family and friends or read others' posts....

It is really hard, but I guess changing every habit is. Thanks again to all for posting!

Pajarito

My wise counselor explained something very important to me once, and I've never forgotten it. It's the difference between being vulnerable and being fragile. Your AH is behaving like a fragile child- I can't do it alone, take care of me, how can I live without you??? Fragility is somethign we expect in children- not in healthy adults. Vulnerable- on the other hand- is something we codies seem to be too good at- we come forward and admit to and own everything- including what the alcoholic should own. Vulnerability- true respnsibility for his behavior would be behaving like an adult and owning what he's done and how it affects your marriage. He is incapable of doing that. You are only half of your marriage. You can only be responsible for your half of your dynamic with him.

When I realized that, a lightbulb went off in my head. My STBXAH is an adult. He behaves like a child, and I no longer take on his blaming, his whining or bad behavior. It's his to own, but if he chooses not to he's not going to give it to me anymore, because I refuse to take it. I do, however own what my role was in our marriage, but that by no means puts me in the position of being responsible for him and his bad choices. It means I take on the responsibility of working on myself to be the strong, independent woman I know I can be.

LaTeeDa

I hope you realize just how big this realization is!

L

McKrazy

.....aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh.....

I HATE that feeling. That feeling started me running several years ago. I run every time I even remember that feeling. My poor running shoes and my dog take the brunt of my new coping skill. LOL

Silverberry1331

Thanks! I realize it now...each step I climb I find another one. Does anyone ever reach the top of the stairs, I wonder?

Astro

I hope not! I'm having too much fun climbing them one day at a time, and learning as I go. Recovery is an amazing journey, for now I'll just enjoy the ride.