Weird relationship with his kids....just need to understand...
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Weird relationship with his kids....just need to understand...
Okay, as many of you know, he's gone and I need to focus on myself.....which believe me I AM doing 
But I'm the type of person who needs to understand things in order to come to terms with them (I know.....alcoholism has NO answers....lol.....but just need to ask, for MY own understanding). And I'm not quite sure that I won't take him back at some future time........yikes, I can hear ya all screaming already......lol. But HONESTLY.....I need to do what is RIGHT for me, and currently I am just waiting for God to work whatever out. I ask that all of you respect that, and let ME grow in the way that I see fit. I NEED this group, but also need to come to my own understanding & frankly, sometimes the replies here are pretty harsh.....perhaps in love, but nonetheless, we are all unique in own personalities and ways of "healing".
OKAY......My question.....My ABF has a very dysfuntional relationship with his 2 teenage daughters. He was way too attached to them, kinda idolizes them. He would phone them daily, get overly protective of them. Like for instance, when it was snowing out, he would insist that his daughter talk to him on the phone the entire way home from work (1/2 hour). He would get extremely anxious (I mean anxiety attack anxious) until she got home. He was like ready to jump in the car to go "rescue" her if she was the least bit scared. It was a "weird" dysfuntional kind of "loving".
And their phone calls kinda made me jealous (stupid, I know....but codies act in mysterious ways).....he was like telling them 100 times in a 5 minute phone call how much he loved them, calling them Baby, etc......the things I wanted him so badly to say to ME.....ugh. And if i ever suggested to him that perhaps he was spoiling them too much, he would get verbally VICIOUS.
He gives them money even when he is barely making ends meet himself. At Xmastime, he would give them each HUNDREDS of dollars, even if it meant he couldn't pay his OWN rent. One time, he had fianlly gotten a good job. He was driving his illegal van, a death trap which was ready to fall apart any second......so he saved a couple thousand dollars to buy a truck (he's a contractor). Instead, his daughter said she needed a car, and he gave HER the money, instead of buying himself the truck he DESPERATELY needed for his livelihood.
And he would make up stories about them doing so good.....like going to college to be a lawyer (perhaps jeolousy because MY daughter IS going to Law school?), achieving awards, etc......total lies but he would tell everyone, even his own mother, these things. He would add that he was even pAYING for their college.
Honestly, the kids are totally spoiled brats. Their grandmother (who hasn't heard from them in years) recently sent them $100 each for graduation, and never even got a thank you card or phone call. But to him they can do no wrong, and if anyone would contridict that, he would spazz.
Just wondering if anyone has any insight to why he would be like this? Like any pschycology to this weird obsession with his kids, and is this typical A behavior? From what I read on here, most A's neglect their kids.....and I know my XH who was an Adult Child of A neglected his kids. So this is confusing to me. Does he maybe think that no matter what, his kids will never abandon him, or something?
Again, sorry to ask these crazy questions.......but I NEED to understand in order to come to TERMS.
But I'm the type of person who needs to understand things in order to come to terms with them (I know.....alcoholism has NO answers....lol.....but just need to ask, for MY own understanding). And I'm not quite sure that I won't take him back at some future time........yikes, I can hear ya all screaming already......lol. But HONESTLY.....I need to do what is RIGHT for me, and currently I am just waiting for God to work whatever out. I ask that all of you respect that, and let ME grow in the way that I see fit. I NEED this group, but also need to come to my own understanding & frankly, sometimes the replies here are pretty harsh.....perhaps in love, but nonetheless, we are all unique in own personalities and ways of "healing".
OKAY......My question.....My ABF has a very dysfuntional relationship with his 2 teenage daughters. He was way too attached to them, kinda idolizes them. He would phone them daily, get overly protective of them. Like for instance, when it was snowing out, he would insist that his daughter talk to him on the phone the entire way home from work (1/2 hour). He would get extremely anxious (I mean anxiety attack anxious) until she got home. He was like ready to jump in the car to go "rescue" her if she was the least bit scared. It was a "weird" dysfuntional kind of "loving".
And their phone calls kinda made me jealous (stupid, I know....but codies act in mysterious ways).....he was like telling them 100 times in a 5 minute phone call how much he loved them, calling them Baby, etc......the things I wanted him so badly to say to ME.....ugh. And if i ever suggested to him that perhaps he was spoiling them too much, he would get verbally VICIOUS.
He gives them money even when he is barely making ends meet himself. At Xmastime, he would give them each HUNDREDS of dollars, even if it meant he couldn't pay his OWN rent. One time, he had fianlly gotten a good job. He was driving his illegal van, a death trap which was ready to fall apart any second......so he saved a couple thousand dollars to buy a truck (he's a contractor). Instead, his daughter said she needed a car, and he gave HER the money, instead of buying himself the truck he DESPERATELY needed for his livelihood.
And he would make up stories about them doing so good.....like going to college to be a lawyer (perhaps jeolousy because MY daughter IS going to Law school?), achieving awards, etc......total lies but he would tell everyone, even his own mother, these things. He would add that he was even pAYING for their college.
Honestly, the kids are totally spoiled brats. Their grandmother (who hasn't heard from them in years) recently sent them $100 each for graduation, and never even got a thank you card or phone call. But to him they can do no wrong, and if anyone would contridict that, he would spazz.
Just wondering if anyone has any insight to why he would be like this? Like any pschycology to this weird obsession with his kids, and is this typical A behavior? From what I read on here, most A's neglect their kids.....and I know my XH who was an Adult Child of A neglected his kids. So this is confusing to me. Does he maybe think that no matter what, his kids will never abandon him, or something?
Again, sorry to ask these crazy questions.......but I NEED to understand in order to come to TERMS.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Originally Posted by anubus 
Just wondering if anyone has any insight to why he would be like this? Like any pschycology to this weird obsession with his kids, and is this typical A behavior? From what I read on here, most A's neglect their kids.....and I know my XH who was an Adult Child of A neglected his kids. So this is confusing to me. Does he maybe think that no matter what, his kids will never abandon him, or something?
Again, sorry to ask these crazy questions.......but I NEED to understand in order to come to TERMS.
Again, sorry to ask these crazy questions.......but I NEED to understand in order to come to TERMS.
What you're describing comes from Control Patterns (I believe), this is from the literature we read in CoDA meetings:
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Recovery has, or maybe I should say "is", giving me the tools and ability to have healthy relationships with my children, friends, family, and of course the relationship I have with my GF. It's a lifetime of work that I'm committed to.
I understand your need to come to terms with this situation, all I can share is that the longer I'm in recovery, the longer I understand my own behavior, and the less I focus on what someone else is doing that's causing me frustration.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
It's funny, I am often accused of being cold, uninterested and uncaring by my ex (no one else, just him) and for a long time I believed it until I figured out that my exah is extremely clingy and codependent. He flips out if he calls our son's cell and he does not answer (even if he knows he is safe with me or family). He once called the police in the city I work in and had them check on me when I did not answer my phone on the first call! He frequently will offer up expensive personal belongings to relatives with little regard to how they will get replaced because he is such a "caring" (needy, desperate, codependent, passive agressive and controlling) person.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
Hmm, Hadenoughnow, I can relate to that. My ABF also gives away his stuff to his kids. Last time we split, he gave his daughter his TV.....the only one he had. She lives with her mom & step dad, therefore HAS a TV, he just gave her his tv so she would have one for her bedroom. Weird.
And he also used to get really freaked out if I didn't answer my cell phone on the first try too.
And he also used to get really freaked out if I didn't answer my cell phone on the first try too.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It's also not uncommon for a parent to overcompensate because of what they didn't get in their childhood.
God knows I made that first mistake with my oldest, and then when she got into her addictions, the guilt I had for thinking I caused her addictions made me overcompensate with my youngest.
Thank god for the tools that taught me to work through those issues and stop the unhealthy behaviors in my parenting.
God knows I made that first mistake with my oldest, and then when she got into her addictions, the guilt I had for thinking I caused her addictions made me overcompensate with my youngest.
Thank god for the tools that taught me to work through those issues and stop the unhealthy behaviors in my parenting.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I do not understand xAH's relationships with his daughters, his mother, or anyone else. Nor do I care to try. None of it was ever within my control. I don't need to understand anything more than they are his relationships, not mine.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
I have been there exactly. I have 3 now grown stepdaughters in their 20's. What you and I deal with is a rotton combo. Alcoholism and step-parenting. My AH wanted his daughter's approval. He wanted that OVER their needs from him in terms of parenting, lessons, teaching, discipline, fathering. He gave them the answers they wanted to hear, and often that came at my expense. Lo and behold, they don't like me much. Anytime he did say no, which was really rare, they assumed I pressured him into it. And most of the time they were right.
At the time, I didn't realize how much alcohol was a factor. My AH is a binger, so he's very often not drunk. I just could not figure out how he could be such a great decision maker/manager/boss at work, and then turn into a pile of mush in front of his kids, accepting all sorts of behavior from them with not as much as even a mention of it to them. And often times, he'd completely deny it or play it down to me, especially if it was AIMED at me. Way to teach children how to treat adults. Anything was game, as long as he was the good dad at the end of the day.
I've been a part of a step-mother board for over 10 years. If there's a single piece of advice that is given there, it is to "disengage" from the stepchildren and issues related to them. That's very similar to the advice offered here when we obsess with our A's.
I think A's are needy. They probably don't get their needs met when they are hearing us complain about their drinking or when we're detaching from their drinking/behavior. So, the kids can be relied on to love them regardless, right? Sorta sad to use kids in this fashion. So much for their childhood. My middle stepdaughter is 24. At Christmas, she threw a tantrum and opened the presents from AH and I and threw each one on the floor without even acknowledging they were from us. When she'd open gifts from others, she'd acknowledge who they were from, say thank you, she loved the gifts, etc. Before she left, she collected her gifts (including the ones she pitched on the floor) and left. One of the gifts was a photo album I had made for her. AH had a box of old childhood pics of her and her sisters. Took me 2 days to scan them all in, upload them, organize them online and order the book. She tossed it on the floor. Why is she so mad at me? Because I pressured AH to stop paying for her college. She wanted to live on her own away from her family. Her HS grades stunk so bad that no college would accept her. She moved to a different town and attended a community college. So we dropped $15k over 2 years on her education and living expenses, for a community college. She hardly went to class and failed classes every semester. After the first year, I told AH we should know her grades. She was insulted that we'd even ask and knew it was coming from me. But she promised to do better. Another semester went by, more F's. AH had told me we'd take a break from paying her until she was serious. But he went for it, told me to stick it and funded her attempt another semester. Again, more F's. She had a 1.67 at that time.
When AH finally cut her off, she got serious and finished her AA with a theatre scholarship. She proved my point exactly. When it was handed to her, she could care less. When she was paying for it, her education had value. But I'll forever be the wicked stepmother.
Her behavior was atrocious. I'm just over being a stepmother so much. As long as they aren't draining our bank accounts, I'm done. It's been horrible watching and being a part of the total dysfunction involving being married to an A and being a stepmother. I could never imagine accepting such horrible behavior from my own kids. What a terrible lesson to teach my own children.
His kids are master manipulators. Wonder where they learned that from?
I hope I gave you some perspective. I can see exactly why your A treated his kids like he did. And I doubt he'll ever see it unless he sobers up and then it will still be too late to reverse the damage anyway.
At the time, I didn't realize how much alcohol was a factor. My AH is a binger, so he's very often not drunk. I just could not figure out how he could be such a great decision maker/manager/boss at work, and then turn into a pile of mush in front of his kids, accepting all sorts of behavior from them with not as much as even a mention of it to them. And often times, he'd completely deny it or play it down to me, especially if it was AIMED at me. Way to teach children how to treat adults. Anything was game, as long as he was the good dad at the end of the day.
I've been a part of a step-mother board for over 10 years. If there's a single piece of advice that is given there, it is to "disengage" from the stepchildren and issues related to them. That's very similar to the advice offered here when we obsess with our A's.
I think A's are needy. They probably don't get their needs met when they are hearing us complain about their drinking or when we're detaching from their drinking/behavior. So, the kids can be relied on to love them regardless, right? Sorta sad to use kids in this fashion. So much for their childhood. My middle stepdaughter is 24. At Christmas, she threw a tantrum and opened the presents from AH and I and threw each one on the floor without even acknowledging they were from us. When she'd open gifts from others, she'd acknowledge who they were from, say thank you, she loved the gifts, etc. Before she left, she collected her gifts (including the ones she pitched on the floor) and left. One of the gifts was a photo album I had made for her. AH had a box of old childhood pics of her and her sisters. Took me 2 days to scan them all in, upload them, organize them online and order the book. She tossed it on the floor. Why is she so mad at me? Because I pressured AH to stop paying for her college. She wanted to live on her own away from her family. Her HS grades stunk so bad that no college would accept her. She moved to a different town and attended a community college. So we dropped $15k over 2 years on her education and living expenses, for a community college. She hardly went to class and failed classes every semester. After the first year, I told AH we should know her grades. She was insulted that we'd even ask and knew it was coming from me. But she promised to do better. Another semester went by, more F's. AH had told me we'd take a break from paying her until she was serious. But he went for it, told me to stick it and funded her attempt another semester. Again, more F's. She had a 1.67 at that time.
When AH finally cut her off, she got serious and finished her AA with a theatre scholarship. She proved my point exactly. When it was handed to her, she could care less. When she was paying for it, her education had value. But I'll forever be the wicked stepmother.
Her behavior was atrocious. I'm just over being a stepmother so much. As long as they aren't draining our bank accounts, I'm done. It's been horrible watching and being a part of the total dysfunction involving being married to an A and being a stepmother. I could never imagine accepting such horrible behavior from my own kids. What a terrible lesson to teach my own children.
His kids are master manipulators. Wonder where they learned that from?
I hope I gave you some perspective. I can see exactly why your A treated his kids like he did. And I doubt he'll ever see it unless he sobers up and then it will still be too late to reverse the damage anyway.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
Boy can I relate
My X had a daughter the same age as my youngest that we allowed to move in with us when she was 16 because she couldn't get along with her mother.
MY X is a sober alcoholic with the same tendencies that A have just isn't drinking. He wanted to be the GOOD parent, believed every word the conniving little B****** said about the rest of us, long story short, neither parent would pay for things she needed like bras, shoes and clothes, etc., so I did. Consequences were I got myself into financial trouble with CC and was told by my X to quit buying her things. When that happened she turned on me like a scorned child, started attacking both my sons and myself (mentally and physically). She waged a battle that I couldn't fight. She lied to her dad and he believed her to the point that I ended up so depressed I almost lost my job because of stressed induced migraines, my youngest started having debiltating panic attacks that made me think he was having heart attacks.
She caused our divorce. When we moved out she threw a party to celebrate the fact that she won and has her dad to herself now. She is also an A and is headed down a path that if not careful she will not return from. It just about killed me, but I have learned to stand up for myself, to distance myself from the insanity.
I am glad that your H stood up to her and hope things are going great for you. Step-kids can be a real challenge especially when you throw in an A on top of it.
Hugs and prayers,
Barb
MY X is a sober alcoholic with the same tendencies that A have just isn't drinking. He wanted to be the GOOD parent, believed every word the conniving little B****** said about the rest of us, long story short, neither parent would pay for things she needed like bras, shoes and clothes, etc., so I did. Consequences were I got myself into financial trouble with CC and was told by my X to quit buying her things. When that happened she turned on me like a scorned child, started attacking both my sons and myself (mentally and physically). She waged a battle that I couldn't fight. She lied to her dad and he believed her to the point that I ended up so depressed I almost lost my job because of stressed induced migraines, my youngest started having debiltating panic attacks that made me think he was having heart attacks.
She caused our divorce. When we moved out she threw a party to celebrate the fact that she won and has her dad to herself now. She is also an A and is headed down a path that if not careful she will not return from. It just about killed me, but I have learned to stand up for myself, to distance myself from the insanity.
I am glad that your H stood up to her and hope things are going great for you. Step-kids can be a real challenge especially when you throw in an A on top of it.
Hugs and prayers,
Barb
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You're probably going to take this as one of those "harsh" posts, but here goes anyway.
Only when I stopped focusing on everyone else's problems and took a good, honest look at my own, did my life start to get better. There are all kinds of people in this world with all kinds of problems. And I was letting their problems run my life. It was an excuse and a convenient distraction to avoid facing myself.
L
Only when I stopped focusing on everyone else's problems and took a good, honest look at my own, did my life start to get better. There are all kinds of people in this world with all kinds of problems. And I was letting their problems run my life. It was an excuse and a convenient distraction to avoid facing myself.
L
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
the blended family - such a tough place for everyone -
I have either been a step-child and/or step-parent since the early age of 9. You definitely need your "Big Girl Panties" on for either situation.
In the beginning yrs as a step-parent, I did have one daughter that was dead set against our relationship. And an AH that was no help at all - he actually contributed to so much of the problems. I was then grateful for being a step-child. I could relate to some of her feelings. She was a scared little girl - scared of losing her dad and mad because these new people get to live with HER dad 24/7 and she doesn't.
It took and lot of time and work - but we eventually became friends.
As my step-daughters got older and the disease took it's downward spiral in my AH - the lies he told to them and to I were rampant. Thanks to recovery I eventually learned to NOT listen to what HE said and to have my own conversations with my daughters (step). I treated them as my daughters and gave them the respect they deserve.
Sometimes are relationship can still be a little rocky - I work hard to try to give them their space and especially their time with their Dad. Most of all - I keep reminding myself what goes on between them is NOT ABOUT ME and has nothing to do with our Husband/wife relationship. It's more to do with my AH's issues with his past.
I occasionally burn up the phone venting with my sponsor - but she says vent with me, but let them deal with their issues and take yourself out of their drama. They are really not fighting over you - they are still fighting about a little girl angry about her dad not being there when she needed him and a dad's guilt about his disease keeping him from being the father he wanted to be.
Just my e, s, & h,
Rita
I have either been a step-child and/or step-parent since the early age of 9. You definitely need your "Big Girl Panties" on for either situation.
In the beginning yrs as a step-parent, I did have one daughter that was dead set against our relationship. And an AH that was no help at all - he actually contributed to so much of the problems. I was then grateful for being a step-child. I could relate to some of her feelings. She was a scared little girl - scared of losing her dad and mad because these new people get to live with HER dad 24/7 and she doesn't.
It took and lot of time and work - but we eventually became friends.
As my step-daughters got older and the disease took it's downward spiral in my AH - the lies he told to them and to I were rampant. Thanks to recovery I eventually learned to NOT listen to what HE said and to have my own conversations with my daughters (step). I treated them as my daughters and gave them the respect they deserve.
Sometimes are relationship can still be a little rocky - I work hard to try to give them their space and especially their time with their Dad. Most of all - I keep reminding myself what goes on between them is NOT ABOUT ME and has nothing to do with our Husband/wife relationship. It's more to do with my AH's issues with his past.
I occasionally burn up the phone venting with my sponsor - but she says vent with me, but let them deal with their issues and take yourself out of their drama. They are really not fighting over you - they are still fighting about a little girl angry about her dad not being there when she needed him and a dad's guilt about his disease keeping him from being the father he wanted to be.
Just my e, s, & h,
Rita
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
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From my own experience dating an active dysfunctional dad of a princess,, what I got from my own roles in it were this:
1. I chose unavailable men.
Either physically, legally, emotionally or a rotation of all 3. The man I refer to, XAB, was still legally married but separated, and had sole custody of princess. I could write volumes on unhealthy psychology between fathers and daughters and alcoholics and their wives, because thats how much I riveted my attention onto HIM and HIS relationships with the 2 females in his world bedsides me. But I won't. I will get to the point. I chose unavailable men. .
Why? Because I was afraid of intimacy.
2. I needed to control or change another person in order to be happy. To do so, I needed to study them intensely so I could be in power.
Why? Because I was afraid of rejection.
3. I stayed too long in unhealthy or destructive relationships
Why? Because I didn't want anyone else to have him, I feared I'd never find a better mate, I thought this was good enough, I believed I could love him into becoming better.....
Just a few thoughts from my e,s, + h.
1. I chose unavailable men.
Either physically, legally, emotionally or a rotation of all 3. The man I refer to, XAB, was still legally married but separated, and had sole custody of princess. I could write volumes on unhealthy psychology between fathers and daughters and alcoholics and their wives, because thats how much I riveted my attention onto HIM and HIS relationships with the 2 females in his world bedsides me. But I won't. I will get to the point. I chose unavailable men. .
Why? Because I was afraid of intimacy.
2. I needed to control or change another person in order to be happy. To do so, I needed to study them intensely so I could be in power.
Why? Because I was afraid of rejection.
3. I stayed too long in unhealthy or destructive relationships
Why? Because I didn't want anyone else to have him, I feared I'd never find a better mate, I thought this was good enough, I believed I could love him into becoming better.....
Just a few thoughts from my e,s, + h.
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