bookwyrm

My AH is talking about filing for bankruptcy once we split. Living on his own wage means he doesn't have enough money for all the things he wants to do and has gotten into debt on his credit card. (I had no idea just how much my wages counted!)

Once we sell the house, he has no intention of buying a flat or renting privately. He's 'assured' me that he'll kill himself before being homeless.

He's in love with someone else but explodes in rage when I talk about things that need done for us to split. He can't talk to me without flying off into as rage, shouting about being victimised and how I don't support him.:chatter

I don't know what to do except keep my head down and just get on with it.

He's breaking my heart. I want to 'help' him by 'making' him go to AA as well as his counselling, sorting out his finances and getting accommodation for him sorted. I want to give him a big hug and tell him he'll pull through this. I feel I'm fighting myself as well as him and that I'm being a complete bitch. How daft is that?

How did I get myself into this mess?! Detaching is so hard right now. Tough love is REALLY tough!

onthewagon

Dont blame yourself, I know separtion can be a hard thing, but you are not to blame.
The first step he has to make is accepting what he has to do.
Good luck in all your endeavours.

Silverberry1331

You and I are in the same boat. After all the quacking about him leaving me, I decided that we should split. He has until Sept 7th to go. I too am also trying to 'help' him with his accommodations. I also have heard threats of suicide. I am getting tears, fears, and sweetness...I find a clean house and dinner made. But, I do not see him going to counseling, AA, or anything substantial that will save our marriage. Just a bunch of smoothing over and emotions in an attempt to guilt me. My heart breaks too, and I wonder if I can endure. My only solace is remembering that nothing is going to change.

I am a movie person, so the other night I was watching "Castaway." There is on part towards the end when Tom Hanks is on the raft, and Wilson floats away. Tom Hanks leaves his life raft in an attempt to save Wilson. What struck me is that Tom Hanks hears a dialogue in his head...perhaps cries for help...shouts of fear...desperation..from Wilson. In reality, Wilson says nothing. It is Tom Hank's perception. He almost dies to save him. In reality, it is a similar situation for me....I hear my AH crying for help, fearful, and desperate...I hear that he can't live without me, and that he needs me to rescue him. But these are thoughts in my head...his actions are different. In reality, he, like Wilson, is drifting off into another direction. I only THINK I can rescue him. Ultimately, I can't leave my life raft. He has to do some swimming of his own.

My heart is with you. Keep us posted. Hang in there. You can do this. Give yourself a hug!

bookwyrm

Thanks silverberry and onthewagon. I know I'm doing the right thing in the long term but sometimes it just gets a bit much and I feel the need to let everyone at SR hear how sorry I'm feeling for myself!

My mantra right now is 'nothing changes if nothing changes'. It helps to keep me moving on and ignore the quacking. Its just a bit overwhelming sometimes!

Bernadette

Hiya Bookwyrm--
I want to give him a big hug and tell him he'll pull through this.

Give that hug to someone who really needs/deserves it: YOU!

Seriously, we are so hard on ourselves! Wrap your arms around yourself and say "All is well, I'm going to get through this!"

It sounds like your whole world is upside down right now-- easy does it - you don't soundlike a bit*h you sound like you're making big changes and it is so hard!

Peace--
B