The tale of two therapists....
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
The tale of two therapists....
Well, everyone...I have had a really difficult conversation with my AH. As some of you may recall from my last post, on Saturday night my AH stayed out all night with his "drinking buddy," which he still won't pony up too. After living in frosty silence on Sunday, on Monday, I took back the mailbox key on his key chain. If he leaves, I don't want to be stuck without the mail. Monday, he throws a tantrum over the phone and tells me he is packing his stuff and leaving, yelling and carrying on. So I get home, expecting to find him packing and/or gone, and he is there on the couch...like nothing happened. When I asked whether he was leaving, he said he wasn't...he would leave tomorrow...he said that he ran out of his pain meds and he was sick. Another night of frosty silence, but this time, I came to the conclusion I can't take this anymore...
The next morning, he was very meek and contrite. Telling me that he has no where to go, and so on...I told him that we couldn't do this anymore. I would give him until September 7th, and he would have to move out. I go away that weekend, so he would be able to move out without me there. I told him that we would part as friends as it is not the love that is lost, but rather we each couldn't be what the other one wanted. I told him that if he was proactive that I would help him with the transition, finding a place, etc, so he wasn't without a roof over his head. He agreed.
Of course, later in the day, I come home from work, he has cleaned the house (whoa!) and making dinner...saying things like, "can't friends do this for one another?" This morning, he was up before me and making coffee, feeding kitties...Not to mention, he tells me that he is afraid and doesn't think he can make it on his own. We sleep separately now, and I can hear him cry. I, of course, realize what is going on. I am sure he is sad, but he is also trying to get back into my good graces. Nothing has changed...no AA meetings...no therapy...stopped going to marriage counseling...etc.
The crux is...I have two therapists...one is the marriage counselor (seeing her about a month with him), and the other is my therapist (seeing her for 16 years). When discussing his new routine...both agree that it is time to split...however, my therapist says that I shouldn't accept things like dinner from him...I should not ingratiate my self to him. I can be kind, but I need to not partake in these actions...separate our lives. The marriage counselor, who has sat with him for session, said that there is no harm in this. There is no reason why I shouldn't. We can still part as friends and with love. That we are separating, not just throwing him out in the cold. It isn't lack of love, but just going in two different directions.
Both therapists are aware of my co-dependence...both are aware of the addiction issues...the only differences are my therapist has been seeing me a long time and has never counseled him, and the marriage counselor has seen us a short time, but has sat in session with him personally.
Who do you think is correct here? What are your thoughts on this situation?
The next morning, he was very meek and contrite. Telling me that he has no where to go, and so on...I told him that we couldn't do this anymore. I would give him until September 7th, and he would have to move out. I go away that weekend, so he would be able to move out without me there. I told him that we would part as friends as it is not the love that is lost, but rather we each couldn't be what the other one wanted. I told him that if he was proactive that I would help him with the transition, finding a place, etc, so he wasn't without a roof over his head. He agreed.
Of course, later in the day, I come home from work, he has cleaned the house (whoa!) and making dinner...saying things like, "can't friends do this for one another?" This morning, he was up before me and making coffee, feeding kitties...Not to mention, he tells me that he is afraid and doesn't think he can make it on his own. We sleep separately now, and I can hear him cry. I, of course, realize what is going on. I am sure he is sad, but he is also trying to get back into my good graces. Nothing has changed...no AA meetings...no therapy...stopped going to marriage counseling...etc.
The crux is...I have two therapists...one is the marriage counselor (seeing her about a month with him), and the other is my therapist (seeing her for 16 years). When discussing his new routine...both agree that it is time to split...however, my therapist says that I shouldn't accept things like dinner from him...I should not ingratiate my self to him. I can be kind, but I need to not partake in these actions...separate our lives. The marriage counselor, who has sat with him for session, said that there is no harm in this. There is no reason why I shouldn't. We can still part as friends and with love. That we are separating, not just throwing him out in the cold. It isn't lack of love, but just going in two different directions.
Both therapists are aware of my co-dependence...both are aware of the addiction issues...the only differences are my therapist has been seeing me a long time and has never counseled him, and the marriage counselor has seen us a short time, but has sat in session with him personally.
Who do you think is correct here? What are your thoughts on this situation?
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331 
Who do you think is correct here? What are your thoughts on this situation?
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331
Another night of frosty silence, but this time, I came to the conclusion I can't take this anymore...?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
My experience was that ANY friendliness on my part was misinterpreted by my ex ah to me that we were not splitting up or that it would be temporary (I now believe that he only moved out because he thought he would be coming back). 3 months after he moved out and we had signed a divorce agreement he asked me WHEN (not if) he was coming back!
Having gone through this I have to say I agree with your therapist.
Having gone through this I have to say I agree with your therapist.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
My goodness Silver....I could have written your post!! I just went throught he same thing with my XABF. I gave him a date to be moved out, made plans for myself for that weekend so I wouldn't be in his way (or have to witness it) and when I got home, he was still there! Most of his things were out of the house but he was lying on the couch watching TV. There was also cold stone silence and I tried to keep myself busy elsewhere and not be around him. Finally that Tuesday, I had to ask for his housekey back and he's been gone since then.
Before that, he also cleaned the entire house, did laundry, cooked, and took a "sudden interest" in many things I had been complaining about. Funny how A's minds work. He also thought this move was only temporary and that once he got back on his feet I would welcome him with open arms. NOT! We remain friends, have spoken on the phone, took the dog to the park for a picnic together, etc.....but the relationship part is over. Since we have joint custody of our dog, I will have to deal with him until he loses interest in the responsibility of caring for a dog.....which will eventually happen.
I will admit it is very hard to remain friends and carry on a different kind of relationship than we had when we lived together, but I am thankful things haven't ended on a nasty note......although it DID get kind of nasty for a few days. In all honesty, I think that my XABF is under the impression that he still has a chance if he "cuts back" on the drinking and only drinks socially. This comment just reassured me that he is still in denial and doesn't believe he has a problem.
IMO, I would have a VERY HARD time accepting the fact that my partner was running around with a "drinking buddy" of the opposite sex. that throws up red flags all over the place for ME.
Keep your chin up and do what YOU feel works best for you. I agree that letting the therapists share information might be a good idea but that is up to you. Although I have never been to a therapist I know that they have helped an awful lots of folks here.
Keep you chin up..
Before that, he also cleaned the entire house, did laundry, cooked, and took a "sudden interest" in many things I had been complaining about. Funny how A's minds work. He also thought this move was only temporary and that once he got back on his feet I would welcome him with open arms. NOT! We remain friends, have spoken on the phone, took the dog to the park for a picnic together, etc.....but the relationship part is over. Since we have joint custody of our dog, I will have to deal with him until he loses interest in the responsibility of caring for a dog.....which will eventually happen.
I will admit it is very hard to remain friends and carry on a different kind of relationship than we had when we lived together, but I am thankful things haven't ended on a nasty note......although it DID get kind of nasty for a few days. In all honesty, I think that my XABF is under the impression that he still has a chance if he "cuts back" on the drinking and only drinks socially. This comment just reassured me that he is still in denial and doesn't believe he has a problem.
IMO, I would have a VERY HARD time accepting the fact that my partner was running around with a "drinking buddy" of the opposite sex. that throws up red flags all over the place for ME.
Keep your chin up and do what YOU feel works best for you. I agree that letting the therapists share information might be a good idea but that is up to you. Although I have never been to a therapist I know that they have helped an awful lots of folks here.
Keep you chin up..
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
NeedHappiness,
That is what I like about this site...you think no one in the world knows how you feel, then you come here...such a good feeling.
On an interesting side note, today he is out doing who knows what, and with his "drinking buddy". I guess the trying is over with. I won't argue with him about this. I am trying to just detach. The physical relationship has been way over for a while anyway. If he goes out and does whatever, I can't let it affect me. I just pray that each day, I get stronger in my resolve so I follow through with this when the date come. I need more than this.
That is what I like about this site...you think no one in the world knows how you feel, then you come here...such a good feeling.
On an interesting side note, today he is out doing who knows what, and with his "drinking buddy". I guess the trying is over with. I won't argue with him about this. I am trying to just detach. The physical relationship has been way over for a while anyway. If he goes out and does whatever, I can't let it affect me. I just pray that each day, I get stronger in my resolve so I follow through with this when the date come. I need more than this.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Yes, I feel very lucky too, to have found this website. I was shocked and amazed that some of the folks here have gone through EXACTLY what I was going through and they had such good advice. We all work this healing/recovery at our own pace and it is so nice to hear others' stories and how they handled it.
You know, we just have to remind ourselves that this is OUR life and we ARE important! Don't let another human being deflate your happiness. I had a hard time with detachment at first but it really gave me the strength I needed in the end. ONce I detached myself from HIS problems, then my own problems came into clear view so I could work on them. I may have to work on my own codie issues for the rest of my life, but that's ok. At least now I KNOW what I need to do. You can do this too Silver!
You do not deserve to be left hanging and wondering what is going on while he is with his "drinking buddy". It's not fair and you deserve better than that. He needs a wakeup call that YOU deserve to have a happy life.
My prayers go out to you that you gain strength and peace of mind to handle this situation in the way that's best fits YOU.
I might also mention that my physical relationship with my XABF ended a LONG time ago. Well over a year ago. I am only 43 yrs old and am shocked that I could care less about THAT aspect of a relationship right now. It always ended up being "all about HIM" and his needs and I wasn't taken into consideration. HIS needs became a pain in the butt and mostly a useless cause, if you know what I mean, so I stopped trying. I hope to recover from that too. ha ha
Anyway, stay strong, don't let yourself get walked on. You sound like a really intelligent lady, so keep posting and pulling strength from those here who have walked this path. Read and get as much knowledge as you can.
Hugs and prayers
You know, we just have to remind ourselves that this is OUR life and we ARE important! Don't let another human being deflate your happiness. I had a hard time with detachment at first but it really gave me the strength I needed in the end. ONce I detached myself from HIS problems, then my own problems came into clear view so I could work on them. I may have to work on my own codie issues for the rest of my life, but that's ok. At least now I KNOW what I need to do. You can do this too Silver!
You do not deserve to be left hanging and wondering what is going on while he is with his "drinking buddy". It's not fair and you deserve better than that. He needs a wakeup call that YOU deserve to have a happy life.
My prayers go out to you that you gain strength and peace of mind to handle this situation in the way that's best fits YOU.
I might also mention that my physical relationship with my XABF ended a LONG time ago. Well over a year ago. I am only 43 yrs old and am shocked that I could care less about THAT aspect of a relationship right now. It always ended up being "all about HIM" and his needs and I wasn't taken into consideration. HIS needs became a pain in the butt and mostly a useless cause, if you know what I mean, so I stopped trying. I hope to recover from that too. ha ha
Anyway, stay strong, don't let yourself get walked on. You sound like a really intelligent lady, so keep posting and pulling strength from those here who have walked this path. Read and get as much knowledge as you can.
Hugs and prayers
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Al Anon talk about detachment with love.
I know before Al Anon I could do detachment with hate.
I.e. get out of the house, I'm never talking to you again
Then I'd sulk
But these days, it would be more like
I.e. it's best you leave on this date
Then I'd be polite but not overly friendly
I really hate other people feeling uncomfortable around me so I can have a tendency to act in away I think is best for them, rather than acting in away that is best for me.
So maybe you can try walking the middle line?
Be polite but at the same time don't act like all is forgiven as chances are it will come to the due date and the first words out of his mouth (if you carry on being friendly with him) will be 'look at all I've done for you these past few weeks'....
Us alkies are king/queen manipulators....
I know before Al Anon I could do detachment with hate.
I.e. get out of the house, I'm never talking to you again
Then I'd sulk
But these days, it would be more like
I.e. it's best you leave on this date
Then I'd be polite but not overly friendly
I really hate other people feeling uncomfortable around me so I can have a tendency to act in away I think is best for them, rather than acting in away that is best for me.
So maybe you can try walking the middle line?
Be polite but at the same time don't act like all is forgiven as chances are it will come to the due date and the first words out of his mouth (if you carry on being friendly with him) will be 'look at all I've done for you these past few weeks'....
Us alkies are king/queen manipulators....
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Hi Lizw,
Yes, the manipulation is unbelievable. However, I guess the kind, caring, considerate tactic was short lived....received a voicemail at 5pm stating he wasn't coming home for the night. Although it was a little hard sleeping in the house alone (a bit spooky), I actually woke up refreshed and hopeful this morning. I am so glad that I have started detachment. I would have been a mess if I feel into the same routine again. Each behavior and action makes it more clear for me. I actually think that I can start really working on MY recovery.
Thanks to everyone for the posts! They mean the world to me! Love! :ghug3
Yes, the manipulation is unbelievable. However, I guess the kind, caring, considerate tactic was short lived....received a voicemail at 5pm stating he wasn't coming home for the night. Although it was a little hard sleeping in the house alone (a bit spooky), I actually woke up refreshed and hopeful this morning. I am so glad that I have started detachment. I would have been a mess if I feel into the same routine again. Each behavior and action makes it more clear for me. I actually think that I can start really working on MY recovery.
Thanks to everyone for the posts! They mean the world to me! Love! :ghug3
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