Ican't do this single Mom thing
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Kermit, I know how you feel, it is hard and incredibly frustrating at times! I have been raising my daughter pretty much alone since she was born, her dad did not want to know and left me at 4 months pregnant. Even the serious relationship with my exabf didn't provide a dad for my daughter.
As they get older it will get easier, and others are right that you get the good times too! He will miss everything.
It is difficult balancing authority and fun with the kids when you are on your own. I think in 2 parent families it is common for one parent to be the authoritarian and the other to be the fun one! It was like that in my family anyway.
I have found that with my daughter what worked was to set up a chart for each week, and as she behaved well i.e helped clear away after meals, kept her room tidy etc etc, she would earn a sticker. If she had collected an agreed number by the end of the week, we would plan to do something that she wanted to do, like go the cinema, museum, a day at the beach etc.
I found it taught her to be responsible, and allowed me to let go of always shouting at her for not doing things - i found she would do them without me telling her, because she wanted her day out.
As for the bath, try this link. This has been a big hit here in the UK they are now doing international deliveries...
Official UK Gelli Baff TV Website
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
As they get older it will get easier, and others are right that you get the good times too! He will miss everything.
It is difficult balancing authority and fun with the kids when you are on your own. I think in 2 parent families it is common for one parent to be the authoritarian and the other to be the fun one! It was like that in my family anyway.
I have found that with my daughter what worked was to set up a chart for each week, and as she behaved well i.e helped clear away after meals, kept her room tidy etc etc, she would earn a sticker. If she had collected an agreed number by the end of the week, we would plan to do something that she wanted to do, like go the cinema, museum, a day at the beach etc.
I found it taught her to be responsible, and allowed me to let go of always shouting at her for not doing things - i found she would do them without me telling her, because she wanted her day out.
As for the bath, try this link. This has been a big hit here in the UK they are now doing international deliveries...
Official UK Gelli Baff TV Website
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 84
I have two sons as well 4 & 2. Neither of them sleep and the 4 yr old argues me to death as if he were a trial lawyer most days. I get so angry and frustrated as well, but I've noticed that I am more angry and frustrated when they are acting up and I can hear the AH snoring away in the bedroom than I do when they are acting the same and he's out. Let's face it, we with kids (well, most at least) are single parents whether the A partners are around or not, I vote for single--at least I'd get the remote to myself when the kids finally do go to sleep! 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
To all you single moms who've been deserted by the addict:
I've been through it. It started for me with 3 boys under age 5. My 3 sons are now young adults. 1 got tripped by addiction, but the other 2 finished college, have good jobs, and are assets to society and to their family. I fully expect the son tripped by addiction to find his way back to God/sanity/life.
My cousin gave me great advice (great because it worked, at least as far as settled me down with the passage of time). She said that whenever i have thoughts of anger, bitterness, negativity toward my addict deserter/husband, that i should just stop and ask God to bless him. "God, i can't stand that man, but i'm asking you to bless him right now. He does not deserve to be blessed, in my opinion, but please bless him." or "God, please bless him with whatever type of blessing he deserves."
Dear single moms, that advice worked. It worked in the sense that i was able to work to the end of the anger and bitterness in spite of the fact that the deserter/husband did not change a whit - in fact, he got worse. I care about you single moms out there who have to have it together as much as possible for the sake of your children who need you so much, and I'm praying for you all today.
Dear God, who is the supply of all that we need. Please consider all the single moms who are on this site today and are struggling emotionally. Send them something or someone today so they can focus back on you and the care you have for them that is waiting for them to claim - when the student is willing, the teacher appears. May the negativity be removed from their hearts just long enough so they can see the help you have for them that is right there right now. And may that event strengthen their faith just a little bit more than it was yesterday. I know that this request is something you are just eagerly waiting to grant to each single parent today, and I thank You for loving us all so much.
I've been through it. It started for me with 3 boys under age 5. My 3 sons are now young adults. 1 got tripped by addiction, but the other 2 finished college, have good jobs, and are assets to society and to their family. I fully expect the son tripped by addiction to find his way back to God/sanity/life.
My cousin gave me great advice (great because it worked, at least as far as settled me down with the passage of time). She said that whenever i have thoughts of anger, bitterness, negativity toward my addict deserter/husband, that i should just stop and ask God to bless him. "God, i can't stand that man, but i'm asking you to bless him right now. He does not deserve to be blessed, in my opinion, but please bless him." or "God, please bless him with whatever type of blessing he deserves."
Dear single moms, that advice worked. It worked in the sense that i was able to work to the end of the anger and bitterness in spite of the fact that the deserter/husband did not change a whit - in fact, he got worse. I care about you single moms out there who have to have it together as much as possible for the sake of your children who need you so much, and I'm praying for you all today.
Dear God, who is the supply of all that we need. Please consider all the single moms who are on this site today and are struggling emotionally. Send them something or someone today so they can focus back on you and the care you have for them that is waiting for them to claim - when the student is willing, the teacher appears. May the negativity be removed from their hearts just long enough so they can see the help you have for them that is right there right now. And may that event strengthen their faith just a little bit more than it was yesterday. I know that this request is something you are just eagerly waiting to grant to each single parent today, and I thank You for loving us all so much.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
I feel the same way Kermie. I have 1 dd who is 10, and actually pretty easy, but because she is an only, she is on me like hair on a gorilla. It's been harder this summer with her friends in and out of town, but I try to make the effort to do things with her instead of plopping her in front of the tube. I've done pretty well, but there are nights- especially when I am tired- when I can't take a long, drawn out bedtime- which she is the master of. She's also a yakker- so I feel overloaded by the end of the day- but when I go to sleep I think of the good things I did with her. I also think about how wonderful she is and how lucky I am. I liked what someone posted about him walking away from the hard stuff- but also the good stuff. My STBXAH is missing out on so much. It helps me to remember that instead of spinning on the things I feel badly about. We're trying- it's hard when we're alone, but the rewards are worth it. I know even on "bad" days I am a good mom and that dd is so much better off with me- responsible, constant, stable, etc.
I am resentful at times too- my STBXAH also left me with a house that we need to sell, and he has done zero to maintain it or get it ready to go on the market. So, I surround myself with friends and family who've helped me out, and I've also tried to increase my pool of babysitters. Now, the tricky part is asking for help. That's a hard one for me, but more and more in my recovery I am finding that when I ask for help people come forward, and life is so much easier.
Take care, and don't be hard on yourself!
I am resentful at times too- my STBXAH also left me with a house that we need to sell, and he has done zero to maintain it or get it ready to go on the market. So, I surround myself with friends and family who've helped me out, and I've also tried to increase my pool of babysitters. Now, the tricky part is asking for help. That's a hard one for me, but more and more in my recovery I am finding that when I ask for help people come forward, and life is so much easier.
Take care, and don't be hard on yourself!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
I take comfort in knowing that my kids know they can count on me. They don't know that about him. They trust in me to do the right thing, even when it's hard. And that is a lesson that will serve them well in life...............I know how tough it can be to get through the day, Kermie. I comfort myself in knowing that it is only a day and "this too shall pass."
I left my son's dad and he kept partying and doing his "thing". Never paid me a cent in child support and never really took part in his son's life. Even to this day, he wonders why he doesn't have a relationship with his only son. Duh!
Anyways, I wanted to share this. My son texted it to me after I visit I had with him in San Diego, where he goes to college. He wanted me to stay longer, but I couldn't........I'm saving this one forever:
"I love you. I found it funny how likely my favorite song of all time happened to be on the radio at that moment of our parting ways. I'm sorry for getting mad.. I just feel like we don't go out and enjoy those incredible moments together as a mother and son.....because of those much more 'important' things that control our lives. But its ok....I understand........Wish the person I love most in the universe could be here to enjoy this amazing night. Next time :-)"
Being there for your children is something they will never forget. Good for you that you can be there for them --even though it is challenging at times. Mom hugs to you---
PS That's him in my avatar
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wow it'satruth-- got a huge lump in my throat now!! Life is so hard and so beautiful!
Kermit! Just another single mom here - been raising 2 boys solo for 10 years now and I can totally recall those nights when I thought I was just gonna go out of my tree with stress and frustration.
I found this little plaque at a flea market and I keep it on my closet wall, behind the clothes - but I know it's there:
"Having kids is like being pecked to death by a duck."
Can't tell you how many times that silly image has saved my sanity and made me laugh and remember that this too shall pass.
Also sometimes getting REAL with the kids and calling a "Family Meeting." I started doing this when they were like 7 and 11 and driving me INSANE!!!!!
I make it really official like I leave them notes: Family Meeting/ Kitchen Table/Wednesday night at 8pm, snacks WILL be served! And then I'd sit there with my legal pad and say whatever--"I'm having a hard time understanding why the beds are not made in the morning even though I've asked many many times for this one thing to be done before you leave for school. Can you guys come up with some ways we could all make that happen?" Then whatever we say I write it down. I don't argue with anything they say, I just make a list. Then we have a rational discussion. My older son wrote himself a big note MAKE BED and taped it by his light switch. His bed has been made - no lie - 90% of the time since then. And those very rare times he forgets I either let it go - or I just say "Your bed." And he gets it.
We have used the Family Meeting format now for all kinds of things-- planning trips, having budget discussions over major purchases, planning Christmas. I keep waiting for them to scoff at the Family Meeting thing - but they haven't! In fact they wanted a new kitten recently and kept bringing it up and pushing for it etc. And I kept putting it off. Then one day my younger son (13) sent this txt message simultaneously to me, his brother, and my boyfriend "Family Meeting Tonight: KITTEN!!!" Oh man, I laughed so hard.
I had a codie mother who ranted, raved, screamed and yelled 24/7 at us 5 kids. Despite my vows to myself that I would never be like her - I was becoming the same person (EGADS!!) Therapy really helped me and so did the books "Between Parent and Child" by Haim Ginott and "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish It's taken me a lot of work and changing myself and things are manageable most days - never perfect - but manageable.
There's no magic trick - no matter how smooth you get things going there will be bumps, aggravations, pain, regrets, yelling, and apologies. As my wise MIL said once "They're children! If they just sat there with their hands folded it would horrible!"
You can DO this Kermie-- hang in there - and remember LOVE SAVES THE DAY!!!
Peace,
B.
Kermit! Just another single mom here - been raising 2 boys solo for 10 years now and I can totally recall those nights when I thought I was just gonna go out of my tree with stress and frustration.
I found this little plaque at a flea market and I keep it on my closet wall, behind the clothes - but I know it's there:
"Having kids is like being pecked to death by a duck."
Can't tell you how many times that silly image has saved my sanity and made me laugh and remember that this too shall pass.
Also sometimes getting REAL with the kids and calling a "Family Meeting." I started doing this when they were like 7 and 11 and driving me INSANE!!!!!
I make it really official like I leave them notes: Family Meeting/ Kitchen Table/Wednesday night at 8pm, snacks WILL be served! And then I'd sit there with my legal pad and say whatever--"I'm having a hard time understanding why the beds are not made in the morning even though I've asked many many times for this one thing to be done before you leave for school. Can you guys come up with some ways we could all make that happen?" Then whatever we say I write it down. I don't argue with anything they say, I just make a list. Then we have a rational discussion. My older son wrote himself a big note MAKE BED and taped it by his light switch. His bed has been made - no lie - 90% of the time since then. And those very rare times he forgets I either let it go - or I just say "Your bed." And he gets it.
We have used the Family Meeting format now for all kinds of things-- planning trips, having budget discussions over major purchases, planning Christmas. I keep waiting for them to scoff at the Family Meeting thing - but they haven't! In fact they wanted a new kitten recently and kept bringing it up and pushing for it etc. And I kept putting it off. Then one day my younger son (13) sent this txt message simultaneously to me, his brother, and my boyfriend "Family Meeting Tonight: KITTEN!!!" Oh man, I laughed so hard.
I had a codie mother who ranted, raved, screamed and yelled 24/7 at us 5 kids. Despite my vows to myself that I would never be like her - I was becoming the same person (EGADS!!) Therapy really helped me and so did the books "Between Parent and Child" by Haim Ginott and "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish It's taken me a lot of work and changing myself and things are manageable most days - never perfect - but manageable.
There's no magic trick - no matter how smooth you get things going there will be bumps, aggravations, pain, regrets, yelling, and apologies. As my wise MIL said once "They're children! If they just sat there with their hands folded it would horrible!"
You can DO this Kermie-- hang in there - and remember LOVE SAVES THE DAY!!!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Bernadette, we do the family metings too, they're so much a part of life now I didn't mention them. we only started them when Joe came because I felt he was holding back on so many things, thinking he didn't belong here. The rules of ours are,
only one person at a time can speak
no interrupting
whatever is agreed is 'house law' and we all abide by it
everyone's opinion is valid and is listened to
nothing is too trivial to be discussed
no alterations after the meeting, whatever is agreed stands
we've sorted things like Joe texting his mates in the middle of the night (he shares Dan's room) to more important stuff like who does what jobs around the house and resolving major squabbles, and we also take the opportunity to show gratitiude for things we've done for each other or things other people have done for all of us, although the kids just call it 'official thanks time'
I started them as a kind of novelty thing, but they've stuck and its the kids really who wanted them to stick, it gives them some say and they're learning important life skills too.
only one person at a time can speak
no interrupting
whatever is agreed is 'house law' and we all abide by it
everyone's opinion is valid and is listened to
nothing is too trivial to be discussed
no alterations after the meeting, whatever is agreed stands
we've sorted things like Joe texting his mates in the middle of the night (he shares Dan's room) to more important stuff like who does what jobs around the house and resolving major squabbles, and we also take the opportunity to show gratitiude for things we've done for each other or things other people have done for all of us, although the kids just call it 'official thanks time'
I started them as a kind of novelty thing, but they've stuck and its the kids really who wanted them to stick, it gives them some say and they're learning important life skills too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
I'm a single parent, kids are here to test us but you know what, the love that your children and mine will give us is something no other person can give. My eldest daughter is 17 now, never knew her father, she is my best friend. There were times when she was an infant that i thought i had given birth to the devil child from hell!!!!! things get better.
Another thing, when im peed off or angry bout something, my kids react the same way.
big hugs to you
Mair
Another thing, when im peed off or angry bout something, my kids react the same way.
big hugs to you
Mair
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