Pajarito

Hi JustMeinWI- In my opinion- an alcoholic is responsible for his/her behavior. Being an alcoholic does not give a person a pass to act violently or irresponsibly. He chooses to do and say what he does. My STBXAH blames me for every problem in our marriage. That's fine- I know better, but I spent precious time thinking I really was to blame. The difference in an alcoholic who "gets it" and one who doesn't is remarkable. Those who do are self reflective- something it doesn't sound like your H is willing to be.

I found that I was taking way too much responsibility for everything my H did not want to take on. I've spent months in therapy trying to understand why I do that. I'm slowly getting better at identifying the manipulations and bs that are so easy to get sucked into. I recommend counseling- It has helped me immensely. Posting here has helped, friends and family and al-anon have also helped. You cannot control what your H does- you can only control yourself. It has taken me a very long time to realize that. (((Take care)))

Rainbowsend

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

It's all about his actions. not yours and action speaks louder than anything. It's up to him to seek help not you to try and push him into it.

Nothing you do or say will make much difference to his choices about recovery. Words are cheap and in my experience they will often tell you anything you want to hear just to shut you up or manipulate you for a little longer.

Take care and keep reading and posting

respektingme

When I used to hear this, and other quackery, I took it so personally. I believed his words. After all, don't people usually mean what they say? Then I started learning about alcoholics and lo and behold, I was astonished to find out that so many others (many here as well) have spouses who quack the same exact thing!!!

Let's see. I've been married for almost 16 years. I have heard several times that if I left him, he'd kill himself. A few months ago, he said something different for once. He said he probably wouldn't kill himself, but he'd drink much faster and go straight downhill until he lost his job, quack quack quack.

If you read enough here, I'll bet there's not too much original script that your AH has been feeding you. They say what they say for a reason, because they are great manipulators. They have a priority and that is feeding their addiction. They will do whatever, absolutely whatever they have to do feed the addiction. That includes being super sweet, or sheepishly ashamed, or pleading for forgiveness, or criticizing you to death, or blaming you, or blaming others, or threatening himself or you, and above all else LYING.

When I put trust and value in his words, I was riding a rollar coaster that he was driving. His desire to drink could make or break my day and me. It was exhausting.

I don't really have advice for you because there are others here who have far more experience at detaching from the insanity than myself. But I do know that once I started categorizing his words into sane and quackery, it made my life much easier.

RosieM

Hey, Me- I sure know what you are going through. My xah and I are divorced now - have been apart for 8 months. It is amazing how different everything looks from this side of all the drama. One thing I know for sure now - I am not going to accept unacceptable behavior, no matter where it comes from.

Please nurture and respect yourself above all. Many, many good wishes to you. R.

PS - Just for a laugh, let me tell you this - this first time my h and I talked about his drinking, he blamed me for it because he said I snored and put his sox in the wrong drawer! I was shattered by this! It was just the first in a long line of excuses that ended up with the last one - "What can I say? I'm an a**hole!" Everyone here is right - it's all up to them and there's nothing we can do to make it any better except take care of ourselves.