Silverberry1331

Well, things are going from bad to worse. Last night I went out with some friends and intended to stay the night. Instead, I went home because we got home earlier than expected. When I arrived, I found that my husband was not home. Originally, before I left to go out, I was being given a major guilt trip about how lonely he was going to be by himself. Probably part of the reason I came home...

Anyway, I figured he was with his "drinking buddy" because when I checked the redial button, he called her last. So I drove to the bar where she works (yeah I know...completely bad)...wasn't there. Then to a few other places that I though he could be...I know...bad again... Then I drove back home, and like a juvenile, texted him: "Hope you are enjoying your girlfriend," and promptly went to sleep. He didn't arrive home until 9am this morning. Funny thing was he wasn't intoxicated or hung over...he was rearing to go like he had a good night sleep. Of course, an argument ensued between us...I got told more lies about where he was. Said he was out fishing all night and slept in his car (yeah...sure)...Despite all the yelling, I just feel numb. Like there is nothing...I don't have the energy or capacity to get any emotions about it...except fleeting guilt.

How many more times do I have to go through this crap before I grow a backbone and tell him to go? Why do I FEEL like the one that is guilty? He makes it seem like he is the victim here... I know that he is handing me lies...I know that this is not the way you treat someone you love....I know that I deserve more than this...still I stay! What is wrong with me? :wtf2

FormerDoormat

I guess you're just not ready to leave yet. Once you figure out why, you'll be ready to move on. One of my biggest fears that kept me stuck in an unhealthy relationship was fear of change. Fear of failure was another factor. I was able to overcome both of these challenges, but it wasn't easy. SR and Alanon helped me immensely. Others found therapy to be helpful, too.

Have you given Alanon a try yet?

prodigal

I'd venture to guess you are codependent. Pick up a copy of Melodie Beattie's book, Codependent No More. Fear of the unknown, even if it leads to better things in our lives, frequently holds us back. Better to face the known evil than the unknown one.

I think you feel like the victim because you are allowing this man to victimize you. He was out all night. It appears he is seeing another woman. He's lying to you.

When you are totally disgusted and sick of his treatment of you and his behavior ... and believe deep-down inside that you deserve a good man in your life ... then you will leave.

Please keep posting. I hope we can support you through this process.

Startingover2

I agree with the fear of the unknown and fear of change holding us back. I literally felt like a prisoner in my own home held hostage by a selfish and very dysfunctional man. Between the drinking and promising me that his 'friendship' was over with OW I must have caught him 10 times in the past 6 months staying in contact. Finally last weekend I had enough and kicked him out...now he is doing his usual depressed thing but I am not biting.

I was petrified of what would happen to me and our daughter. I still am, but not as bad. I feel so much better that I said I had enough rather than him making the choice for me.

I guess we all get to where we let go and go on. It's not easy but one day you will get there.

LaTeeDa

When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of changing, then we change.

There a two ways to reach that tipping point. You can wait for the pain to become unbearable, or you can work on the fear. Therapy helped me to work on the fear.

L

FormerDoormat

I agree with LTD. I was one of those who waited until the pain became unbearable and then chose to leave. I endured nearly 25 years of pain or half my life. I wish I had found this forum years ago so I could have seen the wisdom in choosing to work on the fear. Once I overcame my fear, my life changed for the better.

mizztake33

Sounds like you need to be gentle with yourself. Sometimes it's really hard to bite my tongue. I've only been in Al-Anon about six months, but this has been really hard - Think before I speak. Will what I say make things better or worse??

I think you are normal - just remember to Live and Let Live.

I've tried doing the texting and frantically trying to find my AH - until I let go and detached with love - I couldn't sleep at night . . . .

Try it - at first I thought everyone was crazy. But, the more frustrated I become I keep taking out the Courage to Change book and read a little. It helped.

Hope it works out - I know how you feel.

JoBloggs

Hi Silverberry – I am sorry you are having such a tough time. I have been through so many situations like the one you have described over the last 12 years with my AH.

I have started trying to work on understanding myself and my patterns of behaviour by reading books on codependency and seeing a therapist. One of the descriptions that struck me in Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood is of women who, like me, grew up with one or both parents being emotionally unavailable which caused them to feel low self-esteem, anger, resentment and a whole rollercoaster of emotions. These women then often recreate that situation by unconsciously choosing an emotionally unavailable spouse (often due to alcoholism – he’s in a bar so he’s not emotionally available to you!) so that they can experience the same rollercoaster of emotions again.

I am just starting on this journey myself so I am no expert, but I would advise you to read some of the codependency books recommended by people on this forum and maybe find a therapist or go to Al Anon.

Yes, you do deserve more, but I guess you have to understand why you have accepted this kind of behaviour in the past so that you can stand up for yourself in the future.

Good luck XX

Silverberry1331

Thanks to each and every one of you for the post. I will continue posting. I have gone to Al-Anon. I found it very helpful for me, and interestingly, I found that alot of the turmoil in the house kicked up when I started going.

I came back from my trip and stopped going. The more I read my own posts, the more I realize that I am into self-sabatage. Maybe I am afraid of change and am afraid of the unknown. My rational mind tells me that I have more out there for myself. Still, I continuously let the man lie to me and hurt me. I will pick up the co-dependency books...I need to go back to Al-Anon.

We move around our house in complete silence. I sometimes feel as if he is waiting for me to drop the other shoe and tell him to get out. I guess I am afraid to do that. I wonder why he just doesn't go...obviously he is having an affair. He wants to drink, and he apparently no longer wants this relationship. Maybe I was hoping he would leave first and spare me the pain of doing it. I know...that is the easy way out, and if I couldn't depend on him to make easy things for me before, then why would I expect it now?

Pajarito

I don't think he's leaving because he doesn't have to. He has it pretty good- a house, a wife, another woman, drinks when he wants- why would he leave?

I forget where, but I saw something this weekend about a woman who was divorcing because she could no longer live in fear- the man she was married to scared her. That really made me think. . . My STBXAH didn't hit me, but I was afraid of him. He was verbally abusive, I was afraid of setting him off, of what might happen when he drank- like burning down the house because he left a pizza in the oven to fry, leaving the dog outside in the middle of winter while he was passed out on the couch. I was living in fear. HOWEVER- fear at his hands.

I am now afraid sometimes, because I don't know what the future holds- I thought I'd be married to him forever, but I am now building my life on my own. My fears are my own to solve. I no longer have to depend on him getting himself together. I know I can resolve what I'm afraid of- a lot of it unknowns, but things I can take care of by talking to people: financial advisor, counselor, bankers, friends, family, people here on SR, al-anon- all are great resources for getting the knowledge you need to get control of your life and get healthy. It's been working for me. I'm not going to say it's easy, but so much easier when I know I can do it and am no longer waiting for a self-absorbed alcoholic to take care of my needs.

You will be ready when you're ready.

Reddmax

Silverberry,

Since I'm in the exact same boat you're in (except reversed genders), I can empathize. My suggestion is to do something to empower yourself. Alanon is great, but they are not professional therapists. You might want to seek one of those out, if your benefits will cover them. The other thing you can do is to realistically appraise your financial situation, so if you do have to do something, you know what you're getting into. I don't know what your situation is with family, but if you have little ones, they come first. So find out the extent of your situation. When you have that, you have a better idea of what to do.

Redd

respektingme

Silverberry,

Being afraid of the unknown is understandable. But how much of the unknown can you turn into known? Once you know what the options are, perhaps they will be easier to consider. I like Reddmax's suggestion. I've seen an attorney before myself. The attorney I saw cost $150. I asked for 30 mins. I went in with a list of question written on paper. Got all the answers I needed and left. Was a very well spent $75.

So, before you even decide that you are reading to make a decision, perhaps if you founds out some answers, you'd be better equipped.

Silverberry1331

Hi again to all...

Thanks to everyone again for posting. Redd...I especially watch your postings because I felt the same way regarding the similarity in our situations. I feel like you have been one step ahead of me, so it is inspiring to read your posts.

Thankfully, we have no children (aside from our pets). We have no marital assets together, including bank accounts. We don't file taxes together. I don't even share his last name. Funny, how I had kept everything so separate like I subconsciously new this could be coming. I am emotionally stuck is all. Since I have carried the house so long, I don't need him financially to survive.

I feel like a person who refuses treatment for an infection. It is gangrene, but I don't want to be without the limb, so to speak. Pajarito is right about living in fear for me. I do live in fear...it is the fear of wondering what is he going or not going to do next.

After I read your posts, Redd, Respekt, & Para, I decided to do something for me. I know I need more information, and I now realize that I need to unfreeze my mind to allow it to enter. So, I decided not to play into the drama...he called a bit ago, and left a message, really pissed about something I did this morning. Normally, I would call back, justifying my actions or trying to make things right. This time, I let it go. I am not going to accept the invitation into the argument. Perhaps this is a step for me..

Blessings to all!

Pajarito

Big step. Good for you. It's hard, but the less I see/talk to STBXAH, the better off I am. I need time to think and deal with my own issues. Getting caught up in his drama was draining. Good luck!