sarahs_smile

Well, I haven't visited since March & had to come back and read some of my old posts to get some inspiration and am really disgusted with myself. I of course, went back to my boyfriend, even though things have not really changed. But it seems I have gotten myself in more of a jam then I was before. I sold my house & moved about an hour away to "his old stomping ground". It was done under the intentions that, "my kids are there and I will be so much happier and things will really change for us once I am by my kids because that is the reason I am so depressed and do what I do". So of course I do it and now things are just as bad. Since moving here he drinks more than I have ever seen him and he is back to smoking weed again(after 3months of quitting). We fight about this almost daily and this is now the second night in a month that he has not come home, probably at his buddy's house slumped over in a chair and won't wake up until he pees on himself and drives home to clean up. He has gotten so drunk he has peed on himself and my bed, couch and floor about 2 times a week just in the past month that we have lived here. He is always does this crap where he will start off in the morning saying he is going to stop drinking & smoking cigarettes and will go all day without smoking a cigarrette and when he gets home from work he will either have a 6 pack or if he makes it home without one his buddy will call for a ride and then he comes home drinking again. His excuses are that he is not an addict, because he watches Intervention and is "not like those people on there" And I am wrong for saying anything to him about smoking weed because since he started back smoking he will "only take 8 puffs or smoke a clip on the weekend and he works a strenuous job and only weighs 135lbs so he will sweat it out before they ever drug test him & even if they do test him his boss needs him enough that he can just go tell him before the test that he smoked a clip on the weekend". And God forbid I should try to say anything about his drinking/smoking because then it is this whole fight about how he has to be there for me to work through my addictions(to food) since I am very overweight and "how can I judge him when I let myself get like this and he has to sit by and wait for me to loose weight" He is always comparing my weght problem to his drinking/drug problem(oh wait, he doesn't have a drug problem because he only smokes a clip here and there on the weekend). Anyway, I guess the real reason I am here is because I am just wondering when I am going to hit my rock bottom and be able to say I am done with this once and for all. I wish to God I could find that strength that so many of you have found. I want to be happy again, I want my daughter to have someone in her life that she can look to as a father(she is not his daughter) so why is this so hard fo me to do? I keep saying I am leaving but I keep digging myself into a bigger hole. When I had my house I had lower bills a low mortgage and it was in my name. Now I am paying double that just for rent, signed a 1 yr lease and commute and hour and a half to work. And let's not mention the hole I am still in after paying EVERYTHING to move us into this house because he only started working the week we moved. But, he isn't even responsible for that because since we moved I have not been able to get caught back up enough to even keep groceries in the house but he had enough money left out of his check to buy his daughter a $100 phone today and his son a $100 bike last payday, when my daughter hasn't even gotten school clothes yet. And when I said something about it he said it wasn't his problem that I can't manage my bills because he gives me over half his paycheck anyway and I only have 1 child and 1 household to support and he has 2. So basically nowI feel stuck until this lease is up because i can't even afford to keep my head above water with him here, let alone by myself, because he is paying half the water, cable, rent, phone. And to top it all off I am having his baby in December. The baby that I apparently tricked him into because last night he said I was ok with him drinking/smoking weed before I got pregnant because as long as he was messed up we were having unprotected sex. So somehow I am even to blame for getting pregnant even though he is fully aware that I have struggled with infertility for 11 years, lost 4 babies(3 with him just this past year) and had been on fertility medicine/treatments since last January. Well, I am sorry for this long message but I guess I just had to do some more venting. I hope that one day I will read my messages and something will sink in and I will be strong enough to make this stand that i so desperately need to make. Thanks for listening....Kris

Barbara52

Until you are willing to make changes, it will continue as it is. Only you can decide to do something about your life.