eccentricmuse

I'm confused as to go about seeking help, because I don't know if "codependent" is the most accurate term to describe me...I would say that I am a "love addict" - to be differentiated from codependency in the sense that I fell in love with an alcoholic, and whereas our friendship was more than platonic, he did not acknowledge us to be in a relationship. He did not want to be in a relationship with anyone. I don't feel quite right walking into an Al-Anon meeting because, well...I am not a family member, nor am I his girlfriend. In fact, I'm not even sure that I'm his friend anymore because he never calls me anymore. We dated for a couple of weeks a year ago (when he was sober), and then over time he became more and more distant, more and more elusive...stopped picking up my calls. I could not stop calling him; I could not stop leaving him messages. My therapist said that most people in my situation would just walk away. The thing is, I'm not even physically there with him. We've been physically distant for a long time now...but I'm very much there with him in my mind, going through all these neurotic behaviors and thoughts. He occupies a huge part of my consciousness...I bet he barely thinks about me. Occasionally he would pick up the phone and act like nothing was wrong; it was all very, very confusing for me. I'd go into more detail but so much has happened I can probably only talk about it a little at a time. When I knew he was actively drinking I felt compelled to drink as well (with or without him)...Given his condition, if I truly loved him I should've been helping him, but the love addict in me wanted to relate to him...to understand what he was going through...which meant attempting to turn myself into an alcoholic (though he wasn't my drinking buddy!). It was all very obsessive. He says that he loves me, but I know he doesn't mean it in that way. A few weeks ago I told him that he doesn't understand how much I need him. He said that he wouldn't mind if I crashed at his place for a couple of weeks, or days. The thing is, he knows that I don't have a car so I can't get there. So it's like, it wasn't a rejection but he isn't actively trying to bond with me either. Argh. I am so confused.

NYC_Chick

Not trying to be harsh, but 99.9% of you post screams co-dependent. Read it again. He rejects, you pursue. You NEED him to live. He doesn't need you.

My co-dependence stems from my childhood with my father. My father wasn't kind or loving, I chased after him to be. I needed my father, oddly he didn't need his kids.

I would read "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beatie. You will likely see a lot of yourself in it.

Spiritual Seeker

STOP !
DON'T call him any more.
We have pain when we argue with reality. Accept that he is not available.

mizztake33

Hey there - I have to agree with other posts. The hardest thing that I heard my therapist tell me was that I was codependent. Most people don't want to hear this - I didn't want to. But yes - I don't want to judge you or label you, because I know how hard it is to be so involved with someone, calling, calling, etc.

The only thing that I would say is you may want to check out a book (if you haven't already) called CoDependent No More. Great book.

Your post does scream codependent though - and hopefully you can learn to spin this around and focus all that great attention on you and not the other person. Get serious with you - take care of you.

I'm sure you will be OK - this will work itself out.