prodigal

And I'm not looking for sympathy or throwing a pity-party here, but I have known loneliness down into the core of my being. It passes. It won't last forever. We all have to walk through the pit. But I believe the pit is a learning experience. I had to make a choice to keep blaming him, keep moaning, "What should I do now?" or realize that life if difficult and I'd rather go through the pain of facing my own issues. I have no need any longer to focus on his mess. He owns it; I don't.

I could moan and groan about what AH did or did not do. I could focus on some of the down-and-dirty stuff he's pulled. Why bother? He'll have to answer for his own choices.

Maybe I sound down-in-the-dumps, but the opposite is true. I find joy in the smallest things now; things I honestly took for granted. And that is, for me personally, what recovery has taught me.

sad#3

Because I'd hoped it would change because I love her for the good qualities in her and not the bad.... I've always been a sensitive, empathetic, sympathetic, compassionate person.... I would never intentionally choose a messed up person because I never have before... so why would I suddenly change? Had I known what was in store, I would have never taken the plunge in the first place, but I'm it now at least for one more try after the psychiatric help.... I just don't agree that every person that is involved with an alcoholic has a codependent need.... It's like labeling everyone bipolar... The term seems overused to me.

prodigal

I assume you have read a lot of posts on this board. If it's not a codependent need, then what would you consider it to be?

sad#3

Okay then maybe I've been a codependent my entire life and just didn't realize it until becoming involved with an alcoholic since a normal person would run like hell... I've always taken too much crap off of people. Maybe overly sensitive.

sad#3

Falling in love with a person that has an illness. Not a physical one, but a mental one. You can bet your bottom dollar, I won't let it happen again.

prodigal

Just curious ... are there any addicts in your family of origin? By that, I mean, parents, first-cousins, grandparents, sibilings. It doesn't have to be alcohol or drugs. Both of my parents had food addictions big-time. I didn't realize it until I got into recovery.

I'm not here to label you. You don't have to label you. Perhaps just examining why you have put up with so much crap in your life will suffice.

Barbara52

Yet here you are, how many years later, still accepting unacceptable behavior and treatment from her, still hurting and still wishing she would become what you think she could be. You are not dealing in reality it seems to me. You are living in a world where you hope she will change and are putting your own needs second even though this causes you pain.

I know when I left my xAH, I decided to take a look at why I was willing to accept unacceptable behavior from my AH for so long. I knew there were reasons why I allowed myself to stay married to a man who used me and didn't give me what I wanted and needed in a marriage. I took a look at what it meant to be an ACOA and learned a whole lot. I am coming to understand the many reasons why I thought I had to stay even though I was miserable, why I thought it was my place to rescue him, why I thought half a marriage was better than no marriage, why I thought my needs were not as important as his. Now in my case a lot of it does have to do with growing up in an alcoholic household. But growing up there led me to oh so many codependent traits and behaviors. When I first started coming in here, I learned a great deal from other people but resisted the codependent label because, well, I just wasn't like everyone else you know.

Now I have no idea what your childhood was like, what your previous relationships were like. But, choosing to stay in a relatoinship with an alcoholic, knowingly get into and then stay in a relationship with an alcoholic right from the start, to me that says codependent. I could be wrong but your words often describe codependent behaviors and choices. I of course could be wrong on that. Have you read Codependent No More? You might want to give it a try or read it again if you have read it before. It may give you some insight into yourself.

LaTeeDa

There doesn't have to be a label. Or you can pick a different label like "oversensitive" if you like. The key is to look at yourself and where you are in life. What got you here? You can claim circumstances, or fate, or falling in love, but the truth is the choices you have made along the way got you where you are now. What gives you hope that things will change? Have they changed yet? Or have they continued to get worse, all the while you were hoping they would get better? All the things you said above apply to me. I am codependent. It doesn't scare me or make me ashamed. It gives me something to work with. Something I can look at and say "hey, I might want to change the way I have been operating."

You can swear on a stack of bibles you will never get involved with a dysfunctional person ever again, but until you look inside and find out what drew you to a dysfunctional person in the first place, you will find yourself repeating the pattern again and again. Sure, next time it may not be alcohol, but it will be drugs, or gambling, or eating disorder, or you name it. There is something in you that causes you to accept unacceptable treatment. It's not something wrong with you, just something that needs to be brought out into the light of day and examined.

JMHO,
L

chrisea

it's been over 3 yrs for me. I couldn't ask for anything more... Living life in Peace it's getting better everyday

I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days.

Lilyflower

I was stuck for choice between options #4 and #5. I am much happier without my A!!! Very happy in fact, I don't miss him at all anymore like I did the first few weeks after he left.

I ended up picking option #5 as I am happier, but I still am learning to cope with my codependancy which I am finding has permeated into all aspects of my life, so even without him around I find the charactertraits still rear their head!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

baileyboop

While, I am no longer with my A, I am still struggling with some issues of codependency. The divorce will be final in 10 days...I am ready for that part to be over.

McKrazy

I'm married 22 years, 15 of them with someone tripping more and more down alchohol lane, but recently rehabbed and sober 60 days. I have hope, but I'm way more a realist these days and have my "plan B" in order as I don't plan to spend one more night with someone who chooses alcohol over sobriety.

I'm very much at peace with where I'm at, but know that I have much to learn and far to go...

Mair

I chose 5, im really am happy with my life, i am now also aware that i have my own issues codependancy has run my life for a very long time totally undetected. At last i am at peace with myself.

Mair xx

Jazzman

I didn't vote. I really had to think about this one. I've been divorced since the fall of 2005 and I'm very happy to be free from the mayhem and drama. I'm glad that I made a change before my own children were exposed to much more ugliness. Am I happy? No, I don't think this is happy, but I'm not sad or depressed either. I don't really know what I am. I'm once again able to focus on my own priorities and goals with no distractions......
What would that be?

Lilyflower

Free, and for me freedom brings happiness!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx:ghug3

sunflowerintx

That would be what I am...

HappIER.

coyote21

Hi Jazz

I've followed your posts for 2+ years now and always find them insightful. Not alot of us guys married to A wives on here, so I kind of identified with you.

I think for me when I entered recovery, reading here and attending Alanon and AA over 2 years ago, the numbing of ALL my emotions caused me not to FEEL happy unless I was really on that roller coaster HIGH, kind of manic and extreme.

Now a year and a half after not being under the same roof with active alcoholism, my brain has settled down, I can actually experience ALL my emotions (not just fear and anger) and I have an inner peace and calm and power. Must be that serenity thing! It makes me v-e-r-y happy.

kj3880

When I started my own recovery 4 months ago, I was with an alcoholic b/f. I didn't even know how bad he was until I came off my pain-killers completely and could see clearly. It was scary. At a NA meeting, I had picked up my 60-day tag, then came home and he was staying with me that night. He threw a fit about my going to another meeting. I saw that he was terrified that I was growing away from him in recovery.

And how right he was. When I woke up the next morning, I could still smell the sickly alcohol coming off of his skin from his constant drinking. I couldn't believe I was in this place with this person, who wasn't even trying to get better.

I was someone who had only had a problem with prescription pain pills for a few months after a surgery. I didn't have any experience with drinking. And I'd found my own short-term addiction horrifying, let alone his life-long alcoholism.

So I had to break it off. I was and am lonely at times, but I'm much happier without all that crazy stress. I never have to worry he's going to get a DUI or kill someone out there. I was going to every social function alone anyway because by the time the end of the relationship came, he was never sober enough in the evening to go anywhere without embarrassing me. I never have to feel guilty again about exposing my son to his drunken behavior.

I'm taking a year (at least) off of relationships with men. I'm going to work my steps, focus on my recovery and my son, and work. What a relief. For any of you contemplating leaving, I highly recommend it if you can.
KJ

SugarLily

I'm not with mine any longer no - and I've never been happier.

We split for the last time 4 months ago now, I've also started dating. That may been quick to some but if I am completely honest with myself, I had known for almost two years that things were not as they should be with the ex. I think I detached myself a long time ago.

Being with this new man makes me wonder how on earth I put up with so much from the ex. They couldn't be any more different.

sunflowerintx

I think that many people emotionally leave a relationship long before they physically leave it. It seems that those people are healthier when they do get out and can proceed with moving on much quicker.

I'm not sure where I am yet.